Dithering about having a second child ( and I dont have the luxury of time to dither!)

[Fortunatepiggy]

Hi ladies

So I am 39 next week, have a gorgeous ds aged 3, who is a delight but has never been a good sleeper which has caused DH and I lots of stress over the last 3 years. Now things are starting to get a bit better and I have started to think about whether we should have another ( most of my friends had their seconds when first was 2) so I am conscious I have left it a bit late and one of the main reasons people have another child is to provide a companion/playmate for their child and I worry that even if I got pregnant tomorrow ( unlikely given age) that DS1 will be 4 before DC2 is born so will they play together anyway?

I am also starting to get my life back a bit. We have no family locally so its been a struggle with lack of sleep and when he is ill ( I work part time in a fairly demanding job) and I can see that if I went back full time when ds1 starts school next year my career could get back on track quite easily.

I am an only child and never felt lonely so don't feel that as an issue although i recognised it was much harder for my parents and they tried hard to ensure I had lots of friends. DH has an older brother who is not close with so doesnt feel strongly about that issue.

I have chatted with DH who isnt too keen on the idea of another as to be honest we have struggled massively so far with our relationship and the constant tiredness and who is more tired/ whose job is more important/ who has had the hardest day crap.

But he says that if I really want another he will agree.

That conversation didnt really help as now I feel that all the pressure is on me to make the decision and I worry:-

that if we are lucky enough to conceive ( and i recognise this decision may already have been made for me and may be academic) that I will not love another child as much as DS
that given my age there might be health issues with the baby
that DS will resent me / new baby and our relationship will change
that we wont have enough money ( we earn ok on paper but never have enough money at the end of the month)
that DH and I wont be able to cope and will end up divorcing ( something we have seriously got close to in the last 3 years)
So everything is leading to a no but i am also worried that I will get to 40 something and regret not having another and it may be too late. Also when I said to DH that it probably should be a no given all of the above and he agreed I felt desperately sad and since then cant stop thinking about it and looking at mums with toddlers and babies and wondering whether that really is the right decision for us.

Anyone else felt like this? I wish I had the luxury of time to see how i felt in a year but Im worried that will be too late

thanks

Just wanted to give you hugs really. It sounds like a hard dilemma!
I dont know if this is a comfort or not but i was 39 when we decided to try for DC2 and I got pregnant immediately with hardly any effort, and had an easy pregnancy. I'm now sitting snuggling my healthy 3 week old daughter.

I KNOW age is an issue with fertility and I KNOW people get very hot under the collar about 'older' women getting pregnant but don't automatically assume you've missed your chance or that it'll be tricky. I also know several people over 40 who are pregnant or who have recently had children.

As an aside, whilst I'm thrilled to have two children now, I was unprepared for the feelings of being overwhelmed and miserable that hit me after her birth. I'm sure it'll get better but I'm finding it tough at the moment! Mind you there is only 20 months between the two children.

I just want to throw out that you should think about how prepared you are in case you have another child and they have additional needs? I have two DC and the second one has nearly broken us as a family as my eldest as SN and we have no external support. I am not able to work because of his care needs meaning OH works very long hours so I am on my own 12hrs a day 6 days a week with them. dc2 was a poorly baby who cried constantly for months and didn't nap for more than 20 mins at a time until he was 1.

This sounds like I'm trying to put you off but I'm honestly just letting you know how tough I have found two. So much of what you hear is about how wonderful it is to have a playmate etc but it can be so
much more complicated.

Thanks Ruth and congratulations!

Yes I do worry that even if we are lucky enough to conceive another child it might have health issues. We are so lucky with ds that the thought of rolling the dice again might mean we are not so lucky so that worries me too!

Thanks for your honesty I hope it gets easier for you

Hi OP, I am pretty much exactly in your shoes and read your thread last year. I have just turned 39 and have a sa who is 5. I have finally decided to go for it and give it a try. My du and I had a tough time when da was little and it has taken us 5 years to be willing to do it again. I feel that what will be will be. I will give it my best shot. I am still debating on my head but I also know that we will be happy as we are if we can't have another. I love being a family of 3 and so what will be will be. How are you feeling about it now?

Hi lndmummy

I am still dithering. I wonder if subconsciously I am dithering until a decision is made for me by my age! I have decided to see how I feel when ds starts school in September as this is a new chapter in our life. I love my ds so much I am not sure that I could love another child and I worry about the impact on my ds, my marriage and my career which is going very well now after a few years in the wilderness after having ds! A few of my friends of my age have been trying for second dc for years and have been unsuccessful suffering heartache and miscarriages along the way. If I try again I no doubt will be opening myself to this too and potential health issues given my age. As I have said I'm an only child and had a great childhood. Reading this back now I sound like I don't really want another but I am scared of making the wrong choice and regretting it in later years. If only I was 30 and not 40!

But then I keep seeing babies and thinking aww. I am driving myself nuts!

Ds starts school in September. I am going to see how I feel then

Hi Fortunatepiggy

I have read your posts with interest, as I could have written it. I'm very sorry to bring this up again if you are not thinking about it now.
I just wondered if there are any pointers that have helped you to reach a decision. Thank you.

Hi Grace

I still think about this everyday! See other threads below..can't stop thinking about this and think I've made the right decision but feel a bit sad

Ds has started school and is happy. Dh and I have not tried for another. We had a chat and agreed that it was the right decision but we both admitted feeling sad about it. I think it's the finality. Part of me thinks I might be protecting us from trying and failing but another part of me thinks that if I did try and fail I would feel better than choosing not to try as the decision would be made for me. I'm very confused but I think if I had really wanted another I would have done something about it by now. I just can't stop thinking about it though! I am now 40.5! Prob too late anyway!

Any other ladies on this thread made up their mind?

I'm back to dithering! We decided to try in the summer then got cold feet in august and now back to trying again

Fortunatepiggy, Great to hear from you. Yes, I'm 39, 40 next year, and one time I feel, yes I'll go for it; other times, I feel that it's such a huge leap. And the thought of starting all over again... My ds is 7, and the age gap is also a source of concern iyswim.

Oh lndnmummy

I pray and hope it goes well for you. How old is your older dc please? Would like to know people's experiences with huge age gaps like 7-8 years? Thank you.

Hi Grace, I'm 40 next year and my ds is 5 1/2. X

If we do go for another we will have at least 5.5 years between them and this worries me too. But tbh is quite far down the list of other worries!!!

I would be def having another for me rather than as a companion for ds. Ds has said he doesn't want a brother or sister and would rather have a dog!

Saw lots of mums at school today with babies .. reminded me how hard it was .. but I can see our family with another child ...

Wish someone would give me a crystal ball so I could see what I should do!

Well we can't decide for you but my sister is 14 years younger than me and we are the best of friends. We wouldn't be without one another even though my role was more motherly when she was growing up.
My sister has had two children at 40 and is coping really well.
It just depends if you and DH can pull together to make it work.

And also my son is an only child at now at 35 does not regret not having a sibling as he has plenty of family and friends. I certainly could not cope with more than one.

I wasn't going to have another then someone said to imagine how you would feel if you REALLY couldn't have another (I have a Chronic illness so leaving it longer, this would have been the case) and I knew then I wanted one. It is the best thing we have done and as cheesy as it sounds, our family feels complete. My DS has also become less spoiled and bratty (something I didn't realise he was!) and it is great to see him accept he has to wait for things. Just shag and see what happens, you might not get pregnant anyway.

Oh and the baby has been much easier this time, no time for PFB bullshit!!

I've never seen this thread before but wanted to share my experience.

DP and I were adamant that DD would be an only child until one night of recklessness and I was pregnant! I was 37 when DS was born, DD was 4.

They adore each other, she's marvellous with him and has acquired a patience and tolerance that siblings who are closer in age don't necessarily have.

When I look at DS now, the idea that I only wanted one and that he'd never have been born fills me with horror. He's filled a gap we didn't even know existed. He's made our happy family even more happy. I wouldn't have believed it possible.

Go for it.

Thanks for all the comments.

Grace and l and d.. are you any further forward in your decision making

I thought this morning ( when replying to another thread in only children) that:-

1. Affect on ds

Ds will be fine either way.

He will know no different if he doesn't have a sibling and he will benefit from more time and opportunities

If he has a sibling they might be the best of friends later in life or they might hate each other ( either way they won't be playmates as he is nearly 5 already so age gap too big)

1. Career/ finances

This shouldn't really be that important in the grand scheme of things as we would manage and yes it would affect my career again if we were lucky enough to conceive but I'm sure I won't lie on my deathbed regretting never becoming a top dog in my profession. I saw an article in the local news where someone I really respected and admired in my profession was killed in a car crash. Puts things into perspective

1. Affect on our relationship

Dh and might struggle. We will need to both be totally on board with the decision if we go for it so we don't get back to the dark days of how it was in the first couple of years with ds. Hopefully we would be better prepared

1. Worry about twins/ miscarriage/ disabilities

Worrying about this isn't going to change anything. Yes I'm 40 but lots of women have healthy babies at this age and older. If we roll the dice again we take this chance.

There...feel better having written all that down. Still not sure what I'm going to do but feel a bit clearer

Thanks for (virtually!) listening to me!

The more I think about it the more I think that because I can't stop thinking about it then I can't be "done"

Otherwise i would be able to just move on wouldn't I?

Grace and l and d? Any further thoughts?

Thinking about this all the time at the moment ( can you tell!?!)

Hi Fortunatepiggy,

Hope you are well. I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to read/reply.

Thank you so much for your honesty and posts. It does contribute to clarity in the midst of the haziness!

Thank you Irritateduser, Sandysmam and Fiamarrow! Your kind contributions have been useful in putting things into perspective!

Yes, I have seen a few mums with newborns, and also remembered how hard it was! I think not having any family or relations to help a little does make it feel a bit harder and perhaps more lonely.

I think I am with Sandymam, who has put it so eloquently - " just shag (oh my! can't believe I just said that, its so not me!) and see what happens!" lols