Dithering about having a second child ( and I dont have the luxury of time to dither!)

[Fortunatepiggy]

Hi ladies

So I am 39 next week, have a gorgeous ds aged 3, who is a delight but has never been a good sleeper which has caused DH and I lots of stress over the last 3 years. Now things are starting to get a bit better and I have started to think about whether we should have another ( most of my friends had their seconds when first was 2) so I am conscious I have left it a bit late and one of the main reasons people have another child is to provide a companion/playmate for their child and I worry that even if I got pregnant tomorrow ( unlikely given age) that DS1 will be 4 before DC2 is born so will they play together anyway?

I am also starting to get my life back a bit. We have no family locally so its been a struggle with lack of sleep and when he is ill ( I work part time in a fairly demanding job) and I can see that if I went back full time when ds1 starts school next year my career could get back on track quite easily.

I am an only child and never felt lonely so don't feel that as an issue although i recognised it was much harder for my parents and they tried hard to ensure I had lots of friends. DH has an older brother who is not close with so doesnt feel strongly about that issue.

I have chatted with DH who isnt too keen on the idea of another as to be honest we have struggled massively so far with our relationship and the constant tiredness and who is more tired/ whose job is more important/ who has had the hardest day crap.

But he says that if I really want another he will agree.

That conversation didnt really help as now I feel that all the pressure is on me to make the decision and I worry:-

that if we are lucky enough to conceive ( and i recognise this decision may already have been made for me and may be academic) that I will not love another child as much as DS
that given my age there might be health issues with the baby
that DS will resent me / new baby and our relationship will change
that we wont have enough money ( we earn ok on paper but never have enough money at the end of the month)
that DH and I wont be able to cope and will end up divorcing ( something we have seriously got close to in the last 3 years)
So everything is leading to a no but i am also worried that I will get to 40 something and regret not having another and it may be too late. Also when I said to DH that it probably should be a no given all of the above and he agreed I felt desperately sad and since then cant stop thinking about it and looking at mums with toddlers and babies and wondering whether that really is the right decision for us.

Anyone else felt like this? I wish I had the luxury of time to see how i felt in a year but Im worried that will be too late

thanks

Just had conversation with hubby about selling highchair as ds too big now and prob will be only child .. He said well we don't know yet do we... Am feeling v positive that he may be changing his mind and may want another ...

I think I've made a desicion to stop at one. I have an 18 month old DS and had a very rough ride for about the first year. I love him to death now and enjoy spending time with him finally.

I have zero concerns about my marriage but otherwise a similar list to you. I'm the breadwinner and another maternity leave would be really hard financially.

If I think purely selfishly it's a really clear strong no to a second, my wobbles are all about wanting to make a sibling for DS.

Blimey what did Ameerah say? Was it to me :(

I feel like my message above reads very coldly, I don't mean to sound like an awful person I just can't face the way I was after the birth of my first. I was literally suicidal.

What did she say splendide? It's now deleted. I'm so sorry you've found it so hard... Your message didn't read coldly at all!

I read it before it was deleted and it was a lady asking to interview one child families .. Think it was deleted because she gave her email address... So don't worry splendid

Ok ill throw spanner in the works. Had my first child at 36, on his own for 4 years, quite happily I might add, then decided to have another and because of my age my baby had generic problems and I miscarried, I was 40 at this stage and decided that's it, wouldn't go through that again, then a friend said to me to fast forward two years and would I look back with regret and it could be too late so decided I would try again, had so many reservations but just decided what will be will be. Got pregnant again and although there's a 5 year gap I thank my lucky stars I went again and have never regretted it.

I am still in this position a year on! Anyone else made a decision?

Oh fortunatepiggy I don't know what to say. Your post could have been written by me give or take a few small differences.
I am now almost 41 with soon to be six year old who is only just 'getting' this sleep through the night every night thing (perhaps I was too soft when she was a baby).
Me and OH were together quite a while before DD and DD took a while to 'arrive', we were considering going to the doctors for tests.
I went back full time when DD was 1, doing long days so I could have two afternoons off but work was too demanding and I didn't enjoy it so found part time work in the same field but unfortunately not challenging. We said we would consider another when DD got the 15 hours but well it never happened and since DD went into year 1 I find myself thinking about picking up the career type job but find myself thinking I will miss DD and after school park trips etc.
Now almost 41 and seeing two girls that DD plays with having close relationships with their sisters (2 years age gap) I find myself keep saying to OH, why didn't we go for two instead of waiting until DD was 3/4 and it not happening! I find myself feeling sorry for DD because she doesn't have a sibling. DD's only asked for a sibling once.
We are seriously considering fostering and adoption but need to work out if this is something we really want before pursuing it further.

Good luck mrsems

Thanks and good luck to you whatever you decide upon.

Thanks

I've been thinking a lot over the past few days and I think I will try and see what happens .. Just need to tell dh now!

Would be interested to hear if anyone else on this thread made a decision or is still in the same boat. It's so hard to make a decision but I absolutely have to

Anyone? Really struggling with this decision!

Made my mind up and am now changing it again! I'm annoying myself!

Thanks

I wasn't on the original thread, but did decide to go for it. Had DS at 36 & decided not to have any more (after having PE & DS in NICU).

Then he got to that lovely stage about 18 months, procrastinated for a while, then decided to go for it at 38.

Got pregnant very easily, then had a m/c, followed by a MMC. By this point I was 40 & felt so cross with myself for not being able to let it go.

Had one last try & had DD at 41. So a 4.5 year age difference. I found the jump from 1 to 2 very difficult, and financially 2 sets of childcare has been tough. The 1st few years were very tough & they didn't play much together. But they do now, mostly nicely. I have no regrets, but would never have 3, in a million years.

Hi, I was lurking on your original thread. I'm sorry to hear of your dilemma Fortunatepiggy and of the other sad stories here. A lot of what your said chimes with me. We have a lovely DS aged 6. We'd half-heartedly talked about having a second, but I had a bit of a rough time of the birth/newborn/young baby period and never felt ready. My DH and I had sort of accepted we'd be a one child family. So I thought. But the last few months, I am really wishing we'd had another one. I'm 41 now and it could be too late. Plus I haven't really talked to my DH! We are a happy family now, I don't feel the lack of a second child in that way. But I keep worrying about what will happen when my DH and I are gone (sorry to be morbid) and my DS will be alone. Honestly, it's keeping me up at night. I've developed anxiety recent I'm sure this is at the root of it all - I feel so guilty and that we have sort of sleepwalked into this situation and now it's too late to change it.

Muchbenham sorry to hear you are suffering with anxiety. I don't really think about ds being on his own when we are gone because I hope he will have a lovely family of his own by then but I suppose if we pop clogs when he is still young then I can only hope my parents will still be around ( although they are 74!) or worse case scenario friends. I'm not sure him having a sibling would change this as then there would be 2 young kids to worry about instead of one! I'm an only child and I am really worried about anything happening to my parents and being responsible for caring for them but they seem to be in good health at 74 and I know my dh would be supportive if anything happened. I wouldn't worry about that as I know some people with siblings have had a mare when parents are ill because one sibling always feels they are doing more.

If your little one is 6 now and you are happy then that's great.. try not to worry about how they will be if you are not around. I hope I will feel like that in 2 years time .. I'm just worried I will regret it and it will be too late!

Ah thanks Fortunatepiggy, that was so reassuring to hear! I think those middle of the night panics make things seem worse than they are - everything seems doom and gloom at that time. How are you feeling about things? I looked through the thread again and saw you mentioned age gaps. Obviously everyone's experience is different but I wanted to mention there's a 4.5 year age gap between my sister and I - we had a real love-hate relationship as kids although we did play together a lot and had loads of fun, as well as the squabbling someone mentioned up thread! So I think that is a pretty nice age gap (is that about what you'd have if you had another?). Also we are very close now as adults. Good luck with everything, I am sure whatever you do it will the right decision for your family. You sound like you have weighed it all up really well, and that can only be a good thing.

Having a sibling doesn't necessarily mean that they will share the care of elderly parents.

My mum was one of three, and all of the care for both her parents fell to her because the other two lived abroad. Similarly, my aunt bore the burden of caring for my dad's mum - my dad and his brothers did nothing at all, as they were busy with work and lived too far away.

Now, it's me caring for my parents. My DSis lives too far away to do anything. She visits occasionally, but we rarely even speak in between. We get on reasonably well when we do see each other, but I don't regard her as a source of support in any way. If anything, I just feel a little resentful that all of the care falls to me!

If you want a second child because you feel that it would bring you joy and enrich your life, then go for it, but don't do it because of the perceived benefits for your first dc. It could work out amazingly well for them, but then again, it might not.

I agree brokenbiscuit siblings do not guarantee playmates or carers for elderly dh or I. Neither would I want that it's not a consideration for me. I just want ds to be happy and for me to stop thinking about having another dc. It's driving me mad!

I need to make a decision and stick with it! And then not regret it in the future ....

fortune I wonder if seeing a therapist might help you with your decision? I'm 42 and have a 6 year old. I'm very positive about having a one child family and I think the benefits to both the child and the patents can be wonderful however I still grappled with some guilt over this. I think this was purely due to very old, ingrained stereotypes and certainly my DS has never seemed to miss having a sibling. So I decided to see a therapist to discuss these issues and it was money well spent. I think I saw her monthly for about 6 months and spent an hour each session taking everything through. She really made me realise where my guilty feelings were coming from. It's good to talk with someone you aren't close to to give you objective advice.
Just a thought!

Thanks well hello there .. Yes I think that might help. The problem is I swing wildly from yes to no and that frightens me as it's such an important decision . For example today work is going well, I've done some challenging things for which I've received lots of praise from v senior people . I think there is real scope for significant promotion in the next year, I've had a lovely time bathing ds and having a nice chat about his day , dh and I have talked about how we will be 800 per month better off in sept when he goes to school and we finish a credit card repayment. We have had a great day! But ... I am still worrying that I'm 40 and have an ever decreasing supply of eggs and I worry that in 2 or 4 years time I will change my mind and it will be too late ..

I have given myself until June to make a decision and stick to it!

Hi OP, I have 2 DC and always intended to so not able to help, just wanted to say that I fully understand your comment about wild swinging between feeling ok about not having another and feeling desperately, soul searchingly broody as I felt this for 5 years after DC2 was born. He is now 6 and I recently turned 40 and the broody feelings have faded away in the last year. I now feel 100% certain that we stopped at the right number and at peace with the fact that we never had number 3. I wonder if it is an age thing, but I guess my point is that whatever you choose to do, you have a lovely family and you will come to terms with your choice either way.

Thanks thingvellir. Yes I need to stop the swinging wildly between decisions it worries me that it's such an important decision and I can feel so strongly both ways at any one point ...