Dithering about having a second child ( and I dont have the luxury of time to dither!)

[Fortunatepiggy]

Hi ladies

So I am 39 next week, have a gorgeous ds aged 3, who is a delight but has never been a good sleeper which has caused DH and I lots of stress over the last 3 years. Now things are starting to get a bit better and I have started to think about whether we should have another ( most of my friends had their seconds when first was 2) so I am conscious I have left it a bit late and one of the main reasons people have another child is to provide a companion/playmate for their child and I worry that even if I got pregnant tomorrow ( unlikely given age) that DS1 will be 4 before DC2 is born so will they play together anyway?

I am also starting to get my life back a bit. We have no family locally so its been a struggle with lack of sleep and when he is ill ( I work part time in a fairly demanding job) and I can see that if I went back full time when ds1 starts school next year my career could get back on track quite easily.

I am an only child and never felt lonely so don't feel that as an issue although i recognised it was much harder for my parents and they tried hard to ensure I had lots of friends. DH has an older brother who is not close with so doesnt feel strongly about that issue.

I have chatted with DH who isnt too keen on the idea of another as to be honest we have struggled massively so far with our relationship and the constant tiredness and who is more tired/ whose job is more important/ who has had the hardest day crap.

But he says that if I really want another he will agree.

That conversation didnt really help as now I feel that all the pressure is on me to make the decision and I worry:-

that if we are lucky enough to conceive ( and i recognise this decision may already have been made for me and may be academic) that I will not love another child as much as DS
that given my age there might be health issues with the baby
that DS will resent me / new baby and our relationship will change
that we wont have enough money ( we earn ok on paper but never have enough money at the end of the month)
that DH and I wont be able to cope and will end up divorcing ( something we have seriously got close to in the last 3 years)
So everything is leading to a no but i am also worried that I will get to 40 something and regret not having another and it may be too late. Also when I said to DH that it probably should be a no given all of the above and he agreed I felt desperately sad and since then cant stop thinking about it and looking at mums with toddlers and babies and wondering whether that really is the right decision for us.

Anyone else felt like this? I wish I had the luxury of time to see how i felt in a year but Im worried that will be too late

thanks

Hi lndnmummy

Really appreciate your honesty. I know what you mean about being confused ...someone said to me if having one was the norm would you want another and I think maybe not but then I look at the joy that ds brings and I think I could have double that joy..

Someone down thread said having a second filled a gap they didn't even know was there so I'm sure when the baby comes you will feel like this and won't be able to imagine life without them

It is scary though .. all change is! That's one of the major reasons that I haven't done anything about it because I am scared of the unknown but I wonder if I don't whether I will spend my life wondering what if..

I think some counselling might help me and they offer it free through work so I might try that

Don't worry about being spread too thin. Your ds will be 6 won't he be the time baby comes so will be able to help and do a lot more for himself

How far along are you?

Sending virtual hugs

Xxx

How you getting on lndnmummy? Happy new year!

Any updates from the ladies on this thread who were undecided?

Hey, I’m ok. 15 weeks now which feels surreal. How are you all? Fortune how are you doing?

Hi lndnmummy

I'm ok thanks. Glad all is going well

Got my username back!

I am still struggling. I was with a tough talking friend this week and she said we've been talking about this for years .. if you had wanted another you would have done it by now and now the ship has sailed move on..

Which made me almost burst into tears!

I think I just can't accept it but I'm not sure if trying for another at 40 is right either. DH is also patiently letting me make and unmake my mind.. probably until it's too late..

fortune - I had my "last chance saloon baby" at 41 - having gotten pregnant at 40, following a couple of miscarriages.

I felt that giving up was harder than trying & that was how I judged it. But I had made the decision it would be my last pregnancy & if it didn't work out then that would be the end.

I had a 4.5 year age gap & there were lots of advantages: less nursery costs, more independent older child. They are now 9 & nearly-5 & play nicely together mostly. It has elongated the soft play years, but I am so glad I had DD.

Thanks prosecco

I do worry that I will spend the rest of my life beating myself up about it but ds is v happy at the moment as are we... apart from my constant thinking about this obviously!

I read the book by Lauren Sandler in praise of only children but that didn't help much

I also read about Tina fey's struggles with a decision and she went on to have another one at 40 because she was worried she would regret it

So had a chat with dh and said I think we should try as at 41 I am nearly out of time ( might be already who knows)

He said I'm driving him crazy changing my mind all the tine

He worries that i will change my mind back. He worries about having two children.. he said he became the least important person to me when we had ds and with another he will fall further down the pile inevitably

He said he will do whatever I want to do but these are his genuine concerns .. he said he doesn't want me to resent him for having reservations and not saying go for it

I think reservations are healthy. Listen to him and make sure that he feels heard (and hears you too). Talk through it. We had as you know these thoughts and feelings coming up after I conceived and I was really worried that I had made a mistake. Now at 17 weeks we are (slowly) getting our heads around this and even starting to feel a little excited. If it helps neither of us were jumping for joy at the prospect of sleepless nights or refluxy days again. But we remind ourselves that this time is so short and it will pass.

How you getting on lndnmummy?

Hi fortunate, I have been thinking about you. I’m ok, 22 weeks now. We are slowly starting to get excited and getting our heads around this change. I realise how fortunate I am to be pregnant again when so many people around me are struggling. I’m trying to enjoy and make the most of the one on one time with my son and I’m still worried about the change but cbt is helping me a lot with that. My son is the super excited one in the family and it is heart warming to see.

How are you?

Good to hear that your ds is excited! Glad all is going well.. 22 weeks that's gone so quickly!

I'm ok still not made up my mind and feeling increasingly anxious that it's too late and annoyed with myself that I can't make a huge life changing decision when under significant time pressure! I've started to arrange more play dates for ds as I was worried about him being lonely ( although even having a sibling now wouldn't be a playmate due to 6 yr gap) he seems fine and sociable and will be fine either way

I just wonder whether I can live with the what ifs for the rest of my life if I don't at least try. I am still waking up every night thinking about it but I think that's the pressure of having to make a decision now. I tried counselling but they just said don't make a decision yet as putting pressure on yourself is not helping which isn't helpful as I can't really wait any longer..

No i understand. Does it help to talk about your reasons for staying with 1 vs trying it? Perhaps that would be helpful to do on a forum such as this one?
Perhaps the fact that you find it so hard is because deep down you are happy as you are (I was). Perhaps that’s your answer?

I am happy as I am but I worry that I won't be next year.. it's the fear factor I think that I will look back in years to come and think why didn't I? My parents couldn't have any more but choosing not to have any more is different isn't it?

What made you change your mind if you were happy at one?

I am not sure I actually changed my mind you know fortune, hence the shock and despair when I discovered I was pregnant. This is what happend. I panicked at my age, was fearful that I was past my fertility and thought what if I regret it at 45. I thought I owed it to my dh and son to “try”. But with trying I assumed it would already be too late. I realise how all this sounds, I really do. But I want to be honest

Thanks lndnmummy .. well it's all turned out great for you so that's good news!

Hi fortunate, how are you doing?

Hi lndnmummy

I'm fine .. still no closer to a decision though! It was driving me mad so I have parked it for a few weeks! How are you?

Hello Lndnmummy and fortunate

How are you? Hope well. Just wanted to say lndnmummy hope you are getting on okay. I’m really sorry I haven’t been back much.

So we decided to try. Not yet having any luck. To be fair we don’t feel pressured if you see what I mean.

Fortunate, have you had any more thoughts about it? Sorry to bring it up if you’d rather not talk about it.

Hi Grace, all ok here, approaching 32 weeks and am getting excited. I feel older for sure (turned 40 today) and have had some health related issues in this pregnancy. Gestational diabetes, blood pressure stuff. Nothing too bad this time around so far but enough to make me realise that looking after myself is gong to be key and I can no longer take my health for granted.

Hang in there, the trying can be soul destroying at times. It so quickly turns into an obsession with opk sticks and charts.

Ooh good luck lndnmummy .. not long now!

Hi again grace! Good luck

We are halfheartedly trying as I do think it's what I want .. only taken me 3 years to decide!! But I think it's too late now.. I fear nature has decided for me!

So let this be a lesson to anyone dithering .. you may run out of time. With hindsight I should have just gone for it but ds is happy, dh is happy and if it doesn't happen for us I will keep this thread and remind myself in years to come when I am sad about it that I had good enough reasons at the time and count my blessings for what I've got..

How are you feeling fortunate? Still an emotional rollercoaster? Was thinking about you today.

I'm ok thanks lndnmummy. Trying to be a bit more philosophical about things .. Que sera sera and all that'

How are you? When is due date?!!!

How you getting on lndnmummy? Must be nearly due?!!

‘I truly believe the hard stuff starts when they're older, and the worrying doesn't stop when they're adults.’

Oh Jesus 15 months of sleep deprivation and a baby/toddler that has screamed most days of his life with colic, reflux and teething (there’s always something) I’ve found it incredibly tough and long for a lazy teenager who lays in bed so I can get some sleep. Not to mention my back from constantly carrying ds and being bit, pinched, grabbed all day and night. I’m jealous of people with easy babies and toddlers and those with older children too!