Dithering about having a second child ( and I dont have the luxury of time to dither!)

[Fortunatepiggy]

Hi ladies

So I am 39 next week, have a gorgeous ds aged 3, who is a delight but has never been a good sleeper which has caused DH and I lots of stress over the last 3 years. Now things are starting to get a bit better and I have started to think about whether we should have another ( most of my friends had their seconds when first was 2) so I am conscious I have left it a bit late and one of the main reasons people have another child is to provide a companion/playmate for their child and I worry that even if I got pregnant tomorrow ( unlikely given age) that DS1 will be 4 before DC2 is born so will they play together anyway?

I am also starting to get my life back a bit. We have no family locally so its been a struggle with lack of sleep and when he is ill ( I work part time in a fairly demanding job) and I can see that if I went back full time when ds1 starts school next year my career could get back on track quite easily.

I am an only child and never felt lonely so don't feel that as an issue although i recognised it was much harder for my parents and they tried hard to ensure I had lots of friends. DH has an older brother who is not close with so doesnt feel strongly about that issue.

I have chatted with DH who isnt too keen on the idea of another as to be honest we have struggled massively so far with our relationship and the constant tiredness and who is more tired/ whose job is more important/ who has had the hardest day crap.

But he says that if I really want another he will agree.

That conversation didnt really help as now I feel that all the pressure is on me to make the decision and I worry:-

that if we are lucky enough to conceive ( and i recognise this decision may already have been made for me and may be academic) that I will not love another child as much as DS
that given my age there might be health issues with the baby
that DS will resent me / new baby and our relationship will change
that we wont have enough money ( we earn ok on paper but never have enough money at the end of the month)
that DH and I wont be able to cope and will end up divorcing ( something we have seriously got close to in the last 3 years)
So everything is leading to a no but i am also worried that I will get to 40 something and regret not having another and it may be too late. Also when I said to DH that it probably should be a no given all of the above and he agreed I felt desperately sad and since then cant stop thinking about it and looking at mums with toddlers and babies and wondering whether that really is the right decision for us.

Anyone else felt like this? I wish I had the luxury of time to see how i felt in a year but Im worried that will be too late

thanks

Hi fortunate, yes very very soon. I’m going into hospital on Tuesday and it is likely my c section will be then, if not it will be the following week. Jeez, time have flown.
Apart from GD this pregnancy has been a breeze compared to my last 6 years ago. Fingers crossed that continues. I worked up until Friday so hoping the little guy stays put so I can have some rest for a few days.

Hi lndnmummy

I hope the c section went well and you and baby boy are well

Thinking of you !

Still cooking! C section is on Wednesday which is bizarre. Crazy to almost have an appointment to deliver your baby.

Ooh good luck! Thinking of you x

And he is here!

Gorgeous lndnmummy! Congratulations xxx

How are you doing lndnmummy? Hope it's all going well

Oh my goodness, I'm glad I stumbled across this thread! The agonising and toing and froing are very familiar. I had my DD when I was 40 and she's 20 months now. Practically since the day she was born I've fretted over a second. I found the early days very tough and swore I'd never, never do it again, but of course I've now started wavering. We are so tired and feel so old, the thought of starting again is almost impossible. We utterly adore her, and I feel completely fulfilled, but as lots of other people have said it's the thought of somehow 'depriving' her of a sibling that upsets us. But then again, it is a fantasy sibling we're depriving her of - one that loves her and is loved by her, that is a support to us all forever, that is healthy and easy and sunny natured... Some sort of saviour sibling! I find it helps to look at another, older only child (I'm a teacher so I know several quite well) and ask the questions I have to myself about them. Once the raw emotion is out of the way I see things more clearly. Is that child lonely and isolated? No. Do I worry for their future, looking after failing parents? No - their parents may not need excessive care, they will probably have a wonderful family of their own, not to mention friends. And so on. It's only when I think about my own beloved DD that I picture this terrible, lonely existence with gaga parents, no support, adrift in a cruel world etc etc. The chances are she'll be happy and loved all her life and yes, there will be tough times, as there are for us all, but I'm not sure my sister has been the biggest comfort through them, as a sibling may well not be for her. Who can say?
I'm still dithering too, though, I know how all-consuming this can be. And the hormones don't help as once a month now I spend a few days convinced a second baby is the best idea ever!!
Good luck with all of it and thank you everyone on this thread for your honesty and points of view, I've read it avidly and am taking it all in.

Any news from lndnmummy who took the leap!! How's it going?

Hey, it’s hard. So damn hard. I quickly sank into pnd dispair again and am now getting help. It is hard. I miss my oldest so much. My heart aches for him and the bond that we had and I think he feels left out and it breaks me.
I am getting help and it will get better but it is so so hard with no family support around. I miss my gorgeous, fun and managable family of 3. It was perfect for us. I know it will be perfect again, I just don’t feel it.
I KNOW it will get better and that this is depression talking. But the thoughts are so real and it’s so hard. I feel so sad and can’t help but think what have I done.

Hey lndnmummy ** good to hear from you. I'm so sorry you are finding it tough and you've got PND but it's good that you are getting help . It's very early days ... just remember that. Have you got anyone helping you at the mo?

I'm sure your oldest will be fine it's just an adjustment at the moment. He has been your sole focus for so long it's bound to take him some time to come round

Here if you want to chat .. pm me

X

Have been lurking on this thread for a while I just wanted to say to lndnmummy that I think things WILL get better. You sound just like I felt after I had my dc2 after 9 year gap. I was very down and yes had this terrible feeling of missing my other DC. My second child is 2 and a half we have all adapted and wouldn't change a thing. Once they start sleeping through things get alot better. Thinking of you and hope as time passes you will feel better like I did.

Lndnmummy congratulations.

It will ease, this feeling. I know that you know this - you've said it yourself, but I'm just seconding it for you .

Laos and Arsenal, thank you so much. I’m clinging on for dear life to your words. I realise I sound dramatic but this thread has been an honest account of the thought process from dithering to shit I’m pregnant to the newborn stage. I wanted to keep it honest for all the other ditheres out there.

I am so grateful for the support, it made me cry.

HI Lndnmummy

Still here for you. Keep posting & keep being honest as often & as much/little as you need to.

It's tough, especially when the whole world makes you feel like you should be overcome with happiness & togetherness, and that everything should just slot into place.

Yes lndnmummy please keep posting. I'm sure it will get better. How did your eldest react to baby?

It’s a mixed bag, he is proud but it’s hard as number two is another refluxer so screams all the time. Not the kind of brother he expected and I can’t blame him! We have had a better week, it’s up and down. But every night he says “night night little brother,I’m so glad you finally came to our lives” and it melts my heart.
But it is hard and sharing me is hard for him. And me.

And yes Arsenal, I’m numb and she’ll shocked. Not really on cloud nine with happiness and there is most def NO ZERO togetherness. Nada

What a beautiful photo. Your DS1 sounds adorable!

Oh lndnmummy what an adorable picture and what a lovely thing for your ds to say every night. Made me well up!

It will of course take time for you all to adjust but the fact he is saying that at such early days is a good sign isn't it?*
*
I can't imagine ds sharing me but sometimes I do think our relationship is a bit too intense iyswim. He has the full focus of my attention which is sometimes not a good thing!

Thanks for being so honest

Sending hugs to you and your lovely family
X
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H fortunate. Yes so this a what I struggle with the most at the moment. My relationship with ds1 is so intense. Almost like a romantic relationship so intense are the feelings. Like heart wrenching out of breath love. I feel like I betray him now, cheat on him and that I let him down so very very badly. His huge dark brown eyes at times welling up with confusion and sadness at having to wait yet again for a hug or a look of bewilderment when his normal fun loving mum shushes him abit too harshly for no reason at all.

It kills me, and I’m full of remorse and regret for doing this to him. To us. To me and him.
Rather than giving him something ie a sibling I feel like I have bereft him of me.

But look, it’s early days and we ARE adjusting. I am getting help with cbt for managing these feelings but again I just wanted to be honest. A rosy clout nine and immediate happy ever after this is not. At least not yet.
But I will make it my life’s mission to get there.

Sounds like you are getting there lndnmummy
*
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It will get easier in time I'm sure x

Hello @lndnmummy and all. I just wanted to thank you for your honesty and offer a virtual hug. It sounds very tough and painful. But this period will be a distant memory before too long. Then you will have what I am not brave enough to go for. Unless I find some courage then I may well be the one with regrets. I wasn't anywhere near cloud nine when I had my LG, but when I fell in love I fell hard! I wish you all the very best xxx

Flight thank you. It doesn’t feel like bravery more so nativity and stupidtiy. If I could go back then I would

Lndnmummy
You are tired and going through a massive adjustment. As are your dh and ds. How are they doing? As everyone has said it will get better.. you really are in the thick of it at the moment .. just remember that. You have not made a mistake your new baby son is a wonderful thing and your ds and ds2 will bond in the future I'm sure and you will look back and think how quickly this phase passed. Do you anyone around to help?

Thinking of you x