Dithering about having a second child ( and I dont have the luxury of time to dither!)

[Fortunatepiggy]

Hi ladies

So I am 39 next week, have a gorgeous ds aged 3, who is a delight but has never been a good sleeper which has caused DH and I lots of stress over the last 3 years. Now things are starting to get a bit better and I have started to think about whether we should have another ( most of my friends had their seconds when first was 2) so I am conscious I have left it a bit late and one of the main reasons people have another child is to provide a companion/playmate for their child and I worry that even if I got pregnant tomorrow ( unlikely given age) that DS1 will be 4 before DC2 is born so will they play together anyway?

I am also starting to get my life back a bit. We have no family locally so its been a struggle with lack of sleep and when he is ill ( I work part time in a fairly demanding job) and I can see that if I went back full time when ds1 starts school next year my career could get back on track quite easily.

I am an only child and never felt lonely so don't feel that as an issue although i recognised it was much harder for my parents and they tried hard to ensure I had lots of friends. DH has an older brother who is not close with so doesnt feel strongly about that issue.

I have chatted with DH who isnt too keen on the idea of another as to be honest we have struggled massively so far with our relationship and the constant tiredness and who is more tired/ whose job is more important/ who has had the hardest day crap.

But he says that if I really want another he will agree.

That conversation didnt really help as now I feel that all the pressure is on me to make the decision and I worry:-

that if we are lucky enough to conceive ( and i recognise this decision may already have been made for me and may be academic) that I will not love another child as much as DS
that given my age there might be health issues with the baby
that DS will resent me / new baby and our relationship will change
that we wont have enough money ( we earn ok on paper but never have enough money at the end of the month)
that DH and I wont be able to cope and will end up divorcing ( something we have seriously got close to in the last 3 years)
So everything is leading to a no but i am also worried that I will get to 40 something and regret not having another and it may be too late. Also when I said to DH that it probably should be a no given all of the above and he agreed I felt desperately sad and since then cant stop thinking about it and looking at mums with toddlers and babies and wondering whether that really is the right decision for us.

Anyone else felt like this? I wish I had the luxury of time to see how i felt in a year but Im worried that will be too late

thanks

Sushi, what a sad story.

However, perhaps it doesn't serve anyone who has an only child to be thinking that way. Being orphaned from both parents at age 24 is awful in any circumstances & is also not that likely. I don't think it helps us, as parents of only children, to be obsessing about nightmare scenarios. Parents of many children also aren't served by focusing on nightmare scenarios--eg parents losing jobs and having to deal with so many children to dress & feed etc.

There are also many stories of people who grow up as only children and don't go through any nightmare.Of course we all lose our parents at some point in life, but I don't see it as a 'child' being the only one left of a particular family--first because this person won't be a child anymore and second because hopefully we will have equipped them to be happy and sociable people who have their own lives, support systems, families etc.

I am not denying by the way the negatives of having only one child (which I think of myself). I just think it's a different way of parenting, having that in mind and making sure they link up with as much as possible with cousins, friends etc. Having any number of children has its own worries & its own pluses.

Yes, you're both right. My friend's experience was very sad. She was the only child of a second marriage for both parents. Her mum was over 40 when she was born, her dad over 50. The odds were really stacked against her from the outset and I agree the chances of both parents dying, especially in such circumstances, are not high. I didn't mean to suggest that this outcome would be awaiting any only child; I was, like other posters, offering my experience.

You're right, too, that the outcome she experienced wasn't "normal". I have another, male friend who is an only child to slightly older parents than the norm for our generation. He has married a woman with four siblings herself (all married with kids) and has had three children himself. These three kids are the absolute world to their paternal grandparents who are able to lavish all their time on attention on them. I know these grandparents, and the advent of three grandchildren has brought them huge unexpected joy in their later years. In this scenario, it's been win-win-win.

I think, however, my first friend's situation was one I "went through" (only from the outside) very viscerally at a tender age and it really affected me. It was an unusual set of circumstances, yes, but it really affected me - affected me enough to have led to Ds's conception and birth.

I won't say anything about the dilemma over #3, influenced in no small part by three families I know who have suffered childhood fatalities.... (It does sound as though I have too many tragic cases amongst my friends - and sometimes I feel as though I do! Just quickly, though, we are stopping at two as I think my cumulative experiences really have been out of the ordinary, and to have a third child (way bigger change than having a second I think) for this reason really isn't fair to my DH, who only ever wanted one).

Hi

It's interesting to read people are worried about their only child dealing with their parents Ill health alone and not having anyone around when they are gone. This isn't really something that bothers me as an only myself and with parents in their 70s ( and who live far away) I recognise I will have to deal with this at some point but I have a husband who will support me and friends. I am also fortunate that my family were friends with another only child family when we were at school, we holidayed together and I used to go to his house to play after school as my mum worked late. He is the closest thing I have to a brother and he is now godfather to my son. I see him when I visit my parents ( as he lives in the same place 3 hours away) so I can continue to share my childhood memories with him.

I think that my parents worked hard to ensure I wasn't lonely and I can honestly not remember feeling lonely. I had friends over but also recall enjoying playing on my own. We lived close to the beach at home and every Sunday my dad would take me to beach all day where we would play and explore rock pools (whilst my mum cooked dinner and did housework I honestly think I had an idyllic childhood and am very close to my parents

Do you think it's bad to let fate decide and see what happens after coming off pill) obviously having discussed with hubby) or is that a complete cop out? I just think I could be agonising over a decision that's already been made for us by my ageing eggs!

Hi Fortunatepiggy. Thanks for this. I agree with you, I reallly think it depends how happy / fulfilled / sociable someone is (regardless of whether they're an only child or one of many). That then gives them skills to deal with any circumstances / events life throws at them. If someone is unhappy / lonely / not parented well, they will have potentially have more severe problems when losing their parents, regardless of number of siblings.

I do appreciate that in optimal circumstances, when siblings are close & can share the care of elderly parents, that's a positive. Of course it is.

I think it's a different type of parenting & different things to keep in mind and work on when it's an only child. It's not worse or better, but IME requires a different kind of focus.

Yes why not let fate decide?

Though actually reading between the lines I think you want fate to decide by giving you another child without you having to make the decision against all your rational arguments. :)

I think stillloving has it exactly right about the bigger or more enriching life.

I think that big life decisions cannot be made on the basis of reason or logic. If you feel in your gut that you want something you should go for it. Ignore the obstacles and arguments against. In any case you can't know whether your second child would be easier or more difficult, whether your DH and you would find it made life harder or easier, whether your children would get on, or whether your DS would be lonely as an only. There are so many variables at play.

It's a deeply personal choice. However, I often wonder why women choose to make problems for themselves.

Having more children with little support and in a failing relationship is inviting problems.

The relationship boards are littered with posters who are stuck in situations due to kids. It's never ok to say 'why did you have them?' but likewise whenever somebody writes a pro/con list for having another kid, the answers usually skew towards oh go on, kids are lovely.

I'm stopping at one because I found it hard. And I don't want to live a hard life.

I would def go with "fate" or going with the flow, as I call it.

My observation of the people I know is that those with one child have more of a life outside their child: this of course could be just the people I happen to know. I would guess there aren't as many strains both financially and time-wise with one child as there are with more.

I'm glad we had two even though they don't especially get on (DS 12, DD 9), so there are no benefits in that respect. In fact I've spent the Easter holidays keeping them apart. They have totally different interests so family days out are always a challenge (eg DS wants to do sport and be active , DD wants to look at stuff eg museums - and never the twain shall meet). But as a parent it gives me the "full experience" I suppose.

In terms of enough love to go round, of course there is. One of my children is more like me and I get them instantly, the other is an enigma and I sometimes feel less close to them, but should stress I love them both the same.

I didn't really want two, it was DH that did. I had DS at 36 and DD at 39 after a few miscarriages. I found the whole under 5 thing very very hard though and couldn't have done it without a strong relationship with DH.

All the best, whatever happens.

ErgonomicallyUnsound: I'm not sure what you mean you have 'the full experience'? I do find that kind of throwaway comment completely unhelpful. Why is your experience with 2 children 'the full experience'? As opposed to what? What about those with 4 children, do they have the super-full experience? Are we comparing our lives to a 'standard / full experience' here? Because I didn't think that's what we were doing.

I have one child & live a very full & fulfilled life. I find the idea of falling short of 'the ideal' ridiculous & that's exactly what we've been arguing against on this thread.

There are always losses involved, depending what one wanted. If someone wants 2 or 3 children and manages to have only 1 (that was my experience) that is sad. If someone wants 1 child only & has 2-3 by accident that also involves a different kind of loss.

It all has to do with how one lives their life, not with any comparisons to the 'ideal' life.

I do want to say though something about a failing / problematic relationship. I think having a child does put further strain on a bad relationship, it doesn't fix it, quite the opposite. I always think prioritising the relationship with husband / partner is important, rather than just having another child as a way out or escape or an idea that it'll solve the relationship problems. It won't. I've seen many people I know having a second child at the end of a bad marriage & it really was a disaster. So that's something to take into account. Of course one doesn't regret having the child, but that's not the point.

Hi OP. First off, your DD will not be deprived by being an only child. There are never any guarantees she would get on with a sibling and she can always draw on her friends and extended family for companionship as she grows up.

So, it's down to you and DH. FWIW, I had this dilemma last year - it kind of resolved itself when I had a passionate night with DH, but skipped the contraception . I am now panicking that I have done the right thing, especially regarding money, career and time with my DS. But I am working on the theory that the high - dependency part of child rearing will be over on a few years and that is a short period of time compared to the decades you have ahead to enjoy their company.

In some ways, it's a big benefit that your DD is older and therefore a bit more independent. It will make life easier for you to catch up on sleep/ spend time with the baby when she is at school, if that's what you decide. It also nicely staggers the nursery childcare and the university years, which are usually the most expensive bits.

This does need to be a joint decision with your DH, especially if it's going to put your marriage under pressure. Sit down and play out to two scenarios. If you did fall pregnant tomorrow, what would the finances look like? Now you have been through the baby/toddler stage, what would you do again (or differently) to preserve your sanity and marriage? Where do you both want to be in (say) 3 years time? Different house, holidays abroad, workplace progression? Are you happy to put these back by 18 months for another baby?

Good luck, whatever you decide. You sound like a great mum.

By the 'full experience' (and it's in quotes as I've had it said to me many times) I mean more a boy and a girl that have very different outlooks, tastes etc- the experience of parenting both. Not that I am saying having one child or one sex of children is less of an experience - it's different. Full experience is probably the wrong choice of words, didn't mean to offend or make out that I have in any way a better parenting experience than anyone else. I look at parents of one child and parents of children with one sex of child who do activities together with envy, often.

ErgonomicallyUnsound, great that you have 2 children, enjoy them. It's good to have what you wished for. Thanks for clarifying what you meant. That makes sense.

It's not what I wished for, at all. I was told at 18 I'd never have children, so I wished for nothing.

Sorry to hear you had been told that (clearly a mistake: who and why said such a thing?!) What I meant is, it's lovely to have children and even better to have the number one wishes.

No problem - hard to comment on stuff with words on a screen iykwim - I didn't mean to offend and feel very far from smug with my lot.

I can only tell you my own story of deliberations endlessly whether or not to have a second - for 7 years. The main reason being my own health & having to put that at risk to have a second child, in addition to every single reason you've given. In the end I decided that id rather not live with the regret of not having another. So, I went about working on my health (took another year!) and also went private for my delivery (only for risk mitigation), and while its hasn't been smooth sailing we now have an 18 month old who adores her 9 year old elder sister. We do have less money, more work, my career is a lost dream (though am working) and everything looks delicately balanced. But it's the best decision I ever made. But I have to say that I didn't have this baby because my first was lonely, it was because I wanted another child. If I hadn't then I wouldn't have gone through the grind only to provide a sibling.
However, the sibling dynamic is pure magic and am loving it!

If you want help to decide id say - think selfishly. Only about yourself. Do you want your career & peace, or do you want another baby? If you don't consider your older child/ sibling, husband/ marriage - what would your answer be? That's the one you should pursue.

Another issue is later in life, an only child will have to bear the burden of aging, sick and dying parents on their own. At least with a sibling they can hopefully share the responsibility and support. Worth thinking about, life changing when it happens to anyone but to an only child I can imagine very hard and painful.

I don't think anyone has a second child to help look after them in their old age. Agree with artistic - think selfish!

I could have written your post except we had an easier time after having our first child who we idolised (and still do obv). We decided to have a second child despite all the worries you listed and for the reasons you listed. We had a strong willed second child who brought huge chaos into our lives. I admit I don't 'enjoy' being a mum of two and honestly if I could go back, I wouldn't have had a second child. I feel far more trapped in our relationship both practically and financially. My two children are very different and we don't enjoy wonderful family days out. It is all bloody hard work.

Cocochoco - when you've been in the position of caring for one dying parent and another with dementia please do feel free to come back and share more of your wisdom about how selfish it is to think of whether one can ease the burden responsibility that every child will ultimately have to take on when their parents age.

I didn't say it was to help look after the parent, I actually said it was to help take the pressure off an only child.

It's a very valid concern when considering what life in the future will be like for your existing DC in the event you have no more children, which is exactly what the OP is trying to do.

I think that as a child it doesn''t matter so much being an only child. You will always make friends your own age at school etc. It's more when you are heading into middle age that it woulld be nice, as people say, to take away the worry of elderly care. But still, that isn't a good reason to have another child. The second child might be a wrong 'un and not help the family out in any way!

Seriously, I'm not sure if many of you who are writing all this are aware that for many of us having a second child was never an option! Your comments are quite insensitive. Second, there are many people with one child who manage to carefully think through & prepare their children for this situation so that they won't become burdens to their child in their old age. Additionallyas many in this thread have already writtenonly children may not be so 'only' in their middle age. They usually have partners, children of their own, close friends, cousins etc to help them with caring for an elderly parent. The bottom line, even if it can be tough, most things in life (except death and terminal illness) can be worked with & worked through. They may not be ideal but nothing is!

I have two under five and, though the second is adorable, there have been many moments when I've wished we'd left it at one. Hopefully things will improve as they get older but, oh, the constant squabbling! I honestly don't know if it was the right thing to do for our eldest - their personalities conflict most of the time and our eldest doesn't seem to like his brother much. He's four, though, so that may explain that!

I'm sure things will get better. I'm an only child and found it just fine, by the way.

CorkyBark I'm sure it'll get better, your kids are still very very young....I know it's a hard stage.

Thanks for all the honest comments. Hmm yes hadn't even thought about the constant squabbling .,, but seeing that little boy burst into tears as he was so proud of his brother winning the grand national on Saturday made me think about the love they might have for one another...