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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Who should I fume at? the nursery or the mother?

88 replies

Chandra · 17/08/2005 18:22

OK, I recognise I'm a bit childish for feeling like this but today I went to pick up DS from the nursery and all the children from his room were walking out with a party/candy bag in one hand, all of them but DS!

I feel bad about his because it doesn't help with his shyness. I suppose a mother sent the bags and forgot to include DS, or maybe it was from a party to which he had not been invited, or whatever (which makes me sad, I have to say). But surely, the nursery could have been a bit more discrete when handing them out, could they?

OK, rant over...

.... though I still feel like asking whose birthday it was just to erase that child from DS birthday party list! am I childish or what?

(walks out fuming)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Gillian76 · 17/08/2005 18:24

Chandra. I would ask who se birthday it was and see if the nursery make any comment. Whatever the reason, very insensitive of them to give out to all the children except yours.

fqueenzebra · 17/08/2005 18:30

Fume at the nursery, me thinks. Buy your DS a nice toy or treat instead, I would.

spidermama · 17/08/2005 18:32

It's tricky this. I've seen similar with kids coming out of class brandishing invites and my ds (in this case) was well aware he hadn't been invited. I was upset about it on his behalf too.

Sorry you're going through it and no you're not being childish.

Aimsmum · 17/08/2005 18:33

Message withdrawn

Hattie05 · 17/08/2005 18:42

Can you be 100% certain that every single child got one other than your son?

Can you be 100% certain that your son didn't get one and then drop it before coming out?

If so then yes its unfair. But it would be very unlikely to give to all but one child.

This has happened to dd before, with other children around her coming out holding things they have made or been given i take the opportunity to teach her that she can't always be the lucky one to get something and it may be her time next time.

I'm afraid i would say you are being a little over sensitive about it, and yes very childish if you choose not to invite that child to your sons birthday! Don't you want to teach your son good morals? we don't give to receive etc etc
Ask your son who he wants at his party regardless of who has given him what in the past.

Blu · 17/08/2005 18:46

I would calmly say to the nursery that in future if they are asked to hand out sweets etc to children in future, it might be best to do it v discretely to the parents so that the children who are left out, don't feel left out.
Parents shouldn't be handing out sweets direct to other poeple's children in nursery, anyway, due to the possibility of allergies, parental choice over sweets etc.

bosscat · 17/08/2005 18:50

Chandra, I would say there is no way the mother left your child out on purpose. Sounds to me like somethings cocked up. I would talk to the nursery about it and here is why. About 2 weeks ago I was stopped by a mother (I think you contributed to that thread) who told me my son was the only little one not invited to a party held that weekend. I talked to the nursery manager and she said that was utter rubbish. Only 20 out of 37 were invited and the mother invited all the 'leavers'. My son is a 'stayer' so wasn't invited. I am so glad I talked to her because I would have felt rotten about it and would have thought really badly of the other mother. You should talk to them because a. it will probably be a mistake b. if it isn't a mistake the nursery should have positively discouraged the mother from leaving out one child, but I just can't see them not having done that, it must be a mistake.

Hattie, yes in a perfect world we would all have no feelings about things like this, we would be able to rise above it and use the situation to teach a moral lesson to our children and all learn from it. But get real! What world are you living in? I understand your point, but if someone did leave a single child out of a party the only one needing a lesson in morality would be that mother not Chandra. Such pettiness is not to be excused under any circumstances and Chandra is quite right to be upset.

foxinsocks · 17/08/2005 18:58

is it possible that the 'sweet' was not suitable for ds (due to allergies) so was not given to him? Actually, there are loads of scenarios that could explain why ds didn't get any (does he go every day? maybe the mother didn't realise he went to nursery on some days and not others?)

but it is awful when you think your child has been left out deliberately! I would speak to the nursery to get the correct story before getting upset though.

foxinsocks · 17/08/2005 18:59

(but would probably fume at home anyway!)

Hattie05 · 17/08/2005 19:00

Get real??? thanks for the tip, but i am the one in the real world, and have been there and dealt with it the way i suggest.

If you read my post correctly, i was asking can she be sure every other child got one. As you yourself have found out, often it may look that way, but not be reality.

Of course i don't think for a minute that anyone would deliberately not invite just one child. But either way, personally though, the most important thing for me is to encourage my child not to stoop to their level and realise that you don't get everything in life!!

stitch · 17/08/2005 19:03

for ds1's 4th birthday, i took to an indoor playarea type place on a monday. all the kids in his class were invited, the nursery bus, and a big taxiwere the transport. that day, as the class above had only two kids, they had combined the classes, and the nursery brought the two along. i think it would have been unfair had they not. as a parent, i think it was up to me to cater for just this sort of emergency, ie unkown numbers attending party.
definitly fume at nursery imo

stitch · 17/08/2005 19:04

hattie, some people do deliberatly not nvite one child

Hattie05 · 17/08/2005 19:07

I mean, assuming he weren't the only one not invited, then i think it is an overly sensitive way to react.

Original poster

Chandra · 17/08/2005 19:50

Thanks for your kind posts, yes I was upset but ranting here has made me feel better, and no, I don't expect the mother deliberately "forgot" about my child, but probably she should have thought that there were other children in the nursery apart form her child's friends (it's a small group so is not as she needed to cater for England, and yes, DS is there every day of the week), but I believe that where the real problems lies is in the nursery... they should have been more discrete IMO

So believe me Hattie, I'm not cutting my wrists here so I am as real as you, so no need to asume so many things that were not in my post in the first place. Personally, I don't relish the oportunity of having my 2.7 yrs old excluded as the perfect oportunity to teach him "morals", and BTW...what does morality has to do with this? he was not stealing candy bags, was he? [Confused emoticon]

OP posts:

Hattie05 · 17/08/2005 20:12

The real world was replying to the person who told me to get real.

Morals are not giving to receiving.

When my dd's birthday comes round, i will be asking her for names of her friends to invite to a party, of course i would make sure that there is not just one lonely child uninvited, but i certainly wouldn't feel obliged to invite the entire nursery!

What my original post was trying to say is, do you know all the facts before you go getting upset about it.

And you asked if it was childish not to invite that child to your sons party, and i said yes it bloody well is!

FairyMum · 17/08/2005 20:19

Either all children get a bag or none! I'd talk to the nursery to find out what's happened.

Original poster

Chandra · 17/08/2005 20:22

HAttie, one thing is to say "I feel like" in the spur of the moment and another completely different is to not invite the child, did I say somewhere in my post I have not invited the child to DS's party???

Morals are not giving to receiving? are you in the right thread? I think that you have fallen completely out of the picture here HAttie, I will teach DS that when the time and ocassion is adequate for it but, I don't imagine for a second that DS was doing something in order to get a bag in return. So definitively not the right moment to teach him that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chandra · 17/08/2005 20:23

BTW, are you the mum who forgot to send a bag for DS, other wise I don't imagine why you are getting so annoyed

C'mon hattie, is not that important, is it?

OP posts:

Hattie05 · 17/08/2005 20:32

You asked whether it was childish!!!! i said yes!!! FGS

I would be wanting to teach my child to chin up and be a tough girl because thats a survival skill in this world we live in. Not someone who is going to winge at everything that doesn't go their way. Giving to receive is implying to your comment about not inviting the child to your party.

No it does not have to be every child to get a bag or not at all.

Good grief! am i the only person thinking like this!!

Original poster

Chandra · 17/08/2005 20:35

I'm afraid the answer to your question is ...yes!

OP posts:

Original poster

Chandra · 17/08/2005 20:37

nah, just kidding somebody will come to lash at me soon, it's an even world. BTW I didn't mentioned anything about not inviting another child and no, I'm not such a bad person to make pay an innocent child for her/his mother forgetfulness.

OP posts:

nooka · 17/08/2005 20:43

I think that the thing with giving party bags to children outside of a party setting is a bit odd. Seems to just be a nursery thing, as ds doesn't have it anymore, although occasionally he comes home with a small sweet when a child in his class (yr1) has a birthday.

To be honest I don't see why the nursery should be put in a position of handing out bags at all, or why it should be their job to make things fair.

My dd on being asked who she wanted at her birthday party listed everyone except one little boy from her class. As I said she could choose that meant he wouldn't have come (and we don't have room for very many). As it turns out she had a party at nursery instead, but I don't particularly think it's my job to make sure that life's fair for everyone else. On your birthday you should be able to chose who you have at your party. I am sure there are many parties which my two won't be invited to in the future. That's life really isn't it?

wordsmith · 17/08/2005 20:50

Crikey the children's party dilemma is starting early if it's affecting nursery kids. I've only just started to see it with DS1 in reception.

Chandra I was like you at first and thought "Why is my child being left out?" But to be honest he wasn't - sometimes children think they are great friends with another child, only for the other child not to think quite the same. Cliques and the like are a real bane at school and I can see where Hattie is coming from - you do have to find ways of explaining to your child that he or she won't be invited to every party. But nursery seems a bit early!

If I invited every child in the class to DS's next birthday party then I would need to shell out for 30-odd kids - that's not including family and non-school firends. I refuse to do it. Last year DS1 went bowling with 6 friends, it was at the weekend and I just didn't make a big thing about public handing out of invites and the like. No-one made a fuss and similarly I make a point of not fussing over other kids' birthdays. It can be a right nighmare and is a real can of worms - best to stay out of it as much as possible.

Chandra if you feel bad about it ask at the nursery if DS was the only one excluded. Do you know whose birthday it was and whether he/dhe even knows DS? I gues the staff could have been a bit more discreet and put the bags in the kids backpacks or whatever but they probably had more to think about.

Feeling aggrieved on your child's behalf is something you have to get used to once they start school!

nooka · 17/08/2005 20:58

Of course the other thing I struggle with is remembering everyone's names in dd's class, and which kids go in on which days. I'm sure (I hope, my brain may be turning into fuzz) I'm not alone in this.

Hattie05 · 17/08/2005 21:05

"though I still feel like asking whose birthday it was just to erase that child from DS birthday party list! am I childish or what?"

Chandra, this is what i was referring too!

I now appreciate you meant this tongue in cheek, but didn't initially hence my earlier comments!

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