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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Who should I fume at? the nursery or the mother?

88 replies

Chandra · 17/08/2005 18:22

OK, I recognise I'm a bit childish for feeling like this but today I went to pick up DS from the nursery and all the children from his room were walking out with a party/candy bag in one hand, all of them but DS!

I feel bad about his because it doesn't help with his shyness. I suppose a mother sent the bags and forgot to include DS, or maybe it was from a party to which he had not been invited, or whatever (which makes me sad, I have to say). But surely, the nursery could have been a bit more discrete when handing them out, could they?

OK, rant over...

.... though I still feel like asking whose birthday it was just to erase that child from DS birthday party list! am I childish or what?

(walks out fuming)

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FairyMum · 17/08/2005 21:11

I actually get very upset when I read that parents let their children invite everyone in class except for one little boy. I think that is cruel and it's bullying IMO. I understand you cannot invite everyone in your class at school, but then you should be allowed to pick just a few and I realy think it's the parents fault that not a few children are left out and never invited to any parties. My DD has to ovite all the girls in her class. I check this against the class lists. It's not difficult! And I would be furious if I was in Chandras situation in nursery. Why should the children have to look at other children receiving party bags?
I want to teach my children to include everyone. I don't believe in this "survival of the fittest"-thing.What a cruel society that would be. We have to look after eachother!

nooka · 17/08/2005 21:33

But Fairymum, I don't have space for everyone! Nor do I think I should have to invite everyone. I wouldn't invite someone I didn't like from say work, so why should I force dd to do so (even if her reason was very silly). In fact if we had had the party at home she would have had to choose far fewer children , so there would have been three of four children "left out". I agree if you have 29 out of 30 children from a class that's mean, but we'd never have more than eight children at the most. I know there are parties that dd won't get invited to - and I accept that, and expect her to as well .To be honest it's not a big deal in our household - we are lucky if dh remembers anyone's birthday, so parties are very rare.

FairyMum · 17/08/2005 21:52

Yes of course it's a space issue. I am talking about only a few children being left out. Let's face it, it's often the same children who are never invited to parties. I think as adults parents should be more aware of who these children are and make sure they get a few invites too. I think the cruellest thing must be to be a child who is never invited to parties and never included. I make it my mission that my children parties include these children. Anyway, this is perhaps a bit off from what this thread was about, but it reminded me about all the politics surrounding children and their friends.

handlemecarefully · 17/08/2005 22:04

Haven't read all the posts - but did read Hattie's and 'yes' you are the only one thinking like that!

You're not being oversensitive Chandra - if you are then so are the vast majority of us who agree with you. I'm with Aimsmum more or less word for word. Be sure to raise it with the Nursery!

Hattie05 · 17/08/2005 22:23

Perhaps you should read all the posts before you say that hmc!

And off the subject, no i do not think you have to invite every single child from a class or a nursery, this is where the competition sets in who can have the biggest and the best party. Its ridiculous and to me far more important the my dd enjoys a very special day with a few of her closest friends.

handlemecarefully · 17/08/2005 22:28

Okay so there's two of you Hattie!

handlemecarefully · 17/08/2005 22:28

jasper · 17/08/2005 23:42

Hattie you are not the only one.I concurr with every word of your original post .Particularly the bit about using it as an opportunity to teach your child they are not always the lucky one. I don't think thay are ever too young to learn that. I have found my kids handle this very well when really young, not so well after about age 5!

Chandra I hate when things like this happen.It really presses on that sensitive mother bit in the brain!
My ds is not very forceful and has twice left parties as the only one without a party bag . I assume it is because he just does not get in line to collect one!Maybe this is what happened with your little one.

It is entirely understandable to feel a bit aggreived but I don't think it is something you should spend another moment worrying about and would not mention it to the nursery.

jampots · 17/08/2005 23:49

chandra - i would be pissed at the nursery. i have never invited entire classes to my kids' birthdays and to be honest it doesnt seem the done thing here. They invite who they like/play with but would never leave just one person out. As for the bags, i agree that outside of the party setting seems odd. I can understand handing cake or sweets out but not the party bag

handlemecarefully · 17/08/2005 23:56

Ah passive aggressive again

suzywong · 18/08/2005 00:14

can I just take this opportunityto be totally flippant and insensitive and point out that the title for this thread could have been "At whom should I fume" which would make a fantastic bumper sticker too.

Chandra, hope you know me well enough to know I couldn't resist it and I know it probably is something even more eloquent and fabulous in Spanish

jasper · 18/08/2005 00:23

suzywong are you my dad? he goes through the newspaper with a red pen!

suzywong · 18/08/2005 00:29

nope
product of two English teachers, one of whom is an uber-pedant

I just did it for the sound of it, not the pedantry

nightowl · 18/08/2005 01:39

i had a birthday party for ds once, quite a few years ago and he tried very hard to remember his friend's names although im sure we would have missed someone out.

i could only afford to invite so many and not all of those turned up anyway.

going completely off the point, some parents did really annoy me. rather than sending back the invte saying the children could not attend. they sent back saying yes and then just didnt bother to turn up. i dont know if they realised, but i still had to pay for those childrens meals. basically for them to be thrown in the bin.

and so i learnt a valuable lesson...in future, only invite those friends i KNOW to be his closest, otherwise i may be wasting money.

Original poster

Chandra · 18/08/2005 13:10

Thank you to all those people that understoodd I could feel annoyed, Ahem, may I say something in my defense?, I just asked who should I fume at, or following Suzywong's suggestion, at whom should I fume? . Yeah I was a bit annoyed but, not annoyed enough as to get into severe action about it. It would be imposible to have all the children invited but that was not the issue here. I agree life is not fair, if you are familiar with my posts here in mumsnet you would have noticed that I'm the one always pointing out that life is not perfect. Childish? yes I know I was childish but I did assume that my comments will be taken as tongue in cheek as I intended and it's shown at the last paragraph of the original post. But, still I believe is normal to feel sad about seeing my gentle DS walking out empty handed so, as I have already said, it would have been nice of the nursery to hand out the bags in a more discrete way rather than seeing the children already eating sweets in front of DS. But hey, is not the end of the world, is it? now if it happens again I may say something to the nursery, I was just ranting here because I had just came back and was still annoyed. It really suprises me the turn this thread has taken.

P.S. Suzywong, you have given an answer to a long held question. Since I moved to this country I have been laughed at every time I used the word "whom" out of the University environment. I have been told that many English words I use when wrting don't exist even when I have never had a problem in finding them even in the most basic Webster Dictionary. So, it's great to hear that, after all, I was not that wrong and as I suspected once, I may not speak English as well as they do, but it seems to me that I speak/know my first language far better than they know their own . (yeah, another one here who has a pedantic father in terms of language, Spanish language).

OP posts:

wordsmith · 18/08/2005 14:10

Ahem... Chandra... if we're being gramatically pedantic, it's discreet.

[goes and hides under a rock]

wordsmith · 18/08/2005 14:10

Although, thinking about it, it could be discrete too. I take it all back.

wordsmith · 18/08/2005 14:11

...and yes I know there's a whole thread about it.

hunkermunker · 18/08/2005 14:13

Original poster

Chandra · 18/08/2005 14:23

Oh, no, Wordsmith.. if you are going to be pedantic you have to do it correctly. Although I accept I should have used "discreet" instead of "discrete", the meaning of those words is definitively not the same. Doh!

OP posts:

Original poster

Chandra · 18/08/2005 14:24

And I don't call myself Wordsmith!

OP posts:

dillydally · 18/08/2005 14:26

How old is DS?
As it was DDs birthday rceently and I have lots of spare party bags he could have as several evil parents said they would come and didnt.
I would be happy to post one and cheer the little one up?

dillydally · 18/08/2005 14:27

DD was 2 by the way, though party bags slightly good up to 3 i suppose?

wordsmith · 18/08/2005 14:34

Chandra, far be it from me to contradict myself! But I did suddenly think that if the staff had handed out the bags in a discrete way, ie individually, separate from, no-one would have known about it! Hence my interjection.

(How said is this? I have work to do! )

Original poster

Chandra · 18/08/2005 14:34

Thanks Dillydally, that's really really kind. I feel a bit bad about getting you into the trouble of sending a bag, I think he will be fine, he has not mentioned the incident this morning so I guess he is OK. But thanks

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