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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Who should I fume at? the nursery or the mother?

88 replies

Chandra · 17/08/2005 18:22

OK, I recognise I'm a bit childish for feeling like this but today I went to pick up DS from the nursery and all the children from his room were walking out with a party/candy bag in one hand, all of them but DS!

I feel bad about his because it doesn't help with his shyness. I suppose a mother sent the bags and forgot to include DS, or maybe it was from a party to which he had not been invited, or whatever (which makes me sad, I have to say). But surely, the nursery could have been a bit more discrete when handing them out, could they?

OK, rant over...

.... though I still feel like asking whose birthday it was just to erase that child from DS birthday party list! am I childish or what?

(walks out fuming)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

wordsmith · 18/08/2005 14:35

sad I mean. Blimey I should check before I post. My typing is appalling.

Original poster

Chandra · 18/08/2005 14:36

LOL .

OP posts:

bosscat · 18/08/2005 18:57

My god Nooka I can't believe your post.

" My dd on being asked who she wanted at her birthday party listed everyone except one little boy. As I said she could choose that meant he wouldn't have come". You then go on to say " I don't particularly think its my job to make sure that life's fair for everyone else".

don't you? Really? You think its acceptable behaviour to allow your whatever age child to deliberately leave out one poor child. You wouldn't point out to your child that that is a form of bullying and is just actually plain mean. I think it is my job to make sure that life is as fair as it can be for everyone else but then that's the sort of person I am. You sound like one of those cows in school who would offer everyone a crisp and leave out the one they weren't speaking to for that 'minute'.

bosscat · 18/08/2005 18:58

oh you then say in a later comment that of course inviting 29 out of 30 would be mean.

Make your bloody mind up.

handlemecarefully · 18/08/2005 19:55

Yes I know, defies belief doesn't it. Sheesh!

bosscat · 18/08/2005 20:03

I'm reeling over the "I don't think its my job to make sure that life's fair for everyone else" comment. What on earth does she think then? That its okay to make life as shitty as you can for other people? and we wonder why there are kids out there making their neighbours lives hell, beating the crap out of other kids at school, behaving like little thugs and being vile to their teachers. When they get this sort of message from Mum it isn't really that surprising. God forbid you could instil good manners and morals in your children, like its bloody mean to leave one kid out so don't be so horrible. Oh no, its dog eat dog. End of.

hercules · 18/08/2005 20:09

When dd was in year one we arranged a party for the whole class (36 [Shock] } as at the time it was the done thing. We had to cancel it as ds was too ill. We considered inviting only the boys but he was close to some girls and we considered doing a few of both but ds was close to lots of kids and it was difficult deciding who to exclude.

Since the non party as ds has got older and closer to a few children we have invited a handful instead. It is difficult as he gets invited to more parties than we have spaces for his own so some children who invited him dont get invited to his.

I agree about being annoyed Chandra. Yes, life isnt fair and they'll discover that one day but let them enjoy life and be fooled for as long as they can.

hercules · 18/08/2005 20:09

I agree about being annoyed Chandra. Yes, life isnt fair and they'll discover that one day but let them enjoy life and be fooled for as long as they can.

nooka · 18/08/2005 21:04

Good lord bosscat, I really got your goat there didn't I . I feel that your reaction is a little extreme. However I can explain that as dd has just left nursery she was in a class of about eight. So 29/30 doesn't really apply.

And no, I don't think that I should force her to invite someone she doesn't like or play with to her birthday party. It is after all her party. I don't expect her to be invited to everyone else's parties, nor do I encourage her to think she will be.

Why should this be equated to bullying? I didn't get invited to many parties as a kid, and I was also bullied - there is a big difference. Now if she was going up to children and saying "I'm not inviting you to my party because I don't like you" then that would be bullying, and if I caught her doing it she wouldn't be having a party at all.

We all have different opinions. I do believe that life isn't particularly fair, and you are quite at liberty to dislike my point of view, however I think that calling me a cow is uncalled for to say the least. I can't see what evidence you have to translate my post, which to be honest I don't think was particularly controversial (I've taken ds and dd to very few parties that included everyone in their nursery or school classes) and certainly didn't warrant a diatribe where you accuse me of being shitty, and imply that my children are making our neighbours lives hell, beating the crap out of other kids, behaving like little thugs and being vile.

handlemecarefully · 18/08/2005 22:14

I'm staying out of this one now!

morocco · 18/08/2005 22:52

if I may sob into my beer .....
when I was at preschool I was the only girl not invited to a birthday party, and she did go out of her way to point it out, as children of 4 can do, and I was gutted for years about it. Sad story, blah blah. Because I remember what it felt like I would never ever ever let my children do something like that. Just a thought.

hercules · 18/08/2005 22:54

Oh god, you've just reminded me of when I was about 8 and either the only or nearly the only girl not invited to a party. She eventually invited me out of pity on the last day. It really hurt

hercules · 18/08/2005 22:55

Still, I'm over it now!

handlemecarefully · 18/08/2005 22:56

That's good to hear hercules - lol!

Pruni · 18/08/2005 22:58

Message withdrawn

hercules · 18/08/2005 22:59

I think it's also important to teach kids that even if it is their party sometimes you have to have people there you dont like much because it would be rude or offensive otherwise.

puff · 18/08/2005 23:07

I banned the distribution of birthday treats when I was teaching. Got totally hacked off with a) parents not sending enough for every child b)problems with allergies for a fair number of children which meant they were excluded.

jasper · 18/08/2005 23:58

when I get to be queen all party bags will be banned

tigermoth · 19/08/2005 08:19

When my son wanted a birthday party, minus a 2 or 3 of his classmates, I said he could only invite up to fifteen guests. The party would be in our home, (with limited space) so the ten children not invited would not feel singled out. I think the problem is in inviting 23 say out of 26. The few who you reject are bound to take it more personally, especially if the party venue is big enough to hold them all.

Party bags have never been given out in class at our school to my knowledge. I don't like that idea at all, as it shows just who has been invited and who has not.

puff · 19/08/2005 10:18

You've got my vote jasper !

chloe55 · 19/08/2005 10:54

Gosh - just read through this thread, should really stay out of it coz it seems a little heated but I can't help myself.

I can understand why you are upset Chandra and I can also see your point Hattie and at the end of the day everybody has a different personality meaning that they see fairness in different ways.

I will use my wedding as an example: I invited a bloke to my wedding who has been a family 'friend' for years but to be honest I don't particularly like him but am very close to the rest of his family. I invited him none the less because I thought it was the right thing to do as he would have felt very left out if I invited the rest of his family and not him and bear in mind we are both in our 20's! However, my husband and some friends thought I was mad because I was paying £60 for somebody I didn't even like. The day went brilliant despite him being there and I would have just cut myself up with guilt if I hadn't invited him.

So, my point is that I don't think any less of my DH for his way of thinking but it isn't mine and things are no fifferent whether you are 2yrs old or 80 years old.

Sorry - think I have just rambled and don't even know if this post has any relevence!

bosscat · 19/08/2005 15:21

Nooka, I didn't call you cow I said your attitude reminded me of "the cows at school" who used to behave like that with their crisps. Unless you went to my school which I think is highly unlikely then that doesn't apply to you. Similarly, I was not meaning you personally when I referred to crime rates and bullying among the youth of today. I don't know you, I don't know your children, I have no idea if your children would behave in that way or not. I was speaking in the third person which I think was more than clear in my comments and if you choose to take it personally that's a matter for you. My comment was that I find your attitude quite staggering in its dismissiveness of other peoples feelings and that its no surprise that young people turn out the way they do if their parents don't show them how to be kind to others. I think you and I will have to agree to disagree, we are obviously completely different people with different views on what is acceptable and what is not.

Mytwopenceworth · 19/08/2005 15:58

Can I just add a little question. Sadly, not every child is a 'nice person'. (All of ours are, obviously! ). What if a child in the class is very nasty - a bully, someone who causes trouble, hits or bites or pushes? Maybe calls your child names? Wouldn't THAT be a good enough reason to exclude them from a party?

NOT SAYING THIS AS A SUGGESTION FOR CHANDRA's CHILD - I AM NOT SUGGESTING CHANDRAS CHILD IS NOT NICE - but in response to others on the thread who say you shouldn't leave any child out I am asking what if the child is horrible to your child - do they still deserve to come to the party?

pesha · 19/08/2005 16:33

Good point mtpw, there is a child at my dds playgroup who is always very rough, hitting, getting into trouble etc and i would not really want him at her party, especially as most parents tend to leave their children at a party so id have to try and deal with it as well as everything else - nightmare!!

However...quite often at this young age it could just be a phase or the child is unable to express themselves properly, has problems at home or any number of things and if the child is continually left out of parties then this could just make them worse.

When dd had her party last year i let her choose the children she wanted but we were limited to about 15 i think and theres at least twice that number at her playgroup and that seems to be what everyone has done so theres been no problem. Like other people have said i think inviting only a few or half is fine, leaving out just one or two is either very heartless or very careless.

And giving out party bags at school and nursery, who, why, where?! I thought party bags were for giving out at the end of the party, to do it any other time is just rubbing it in the faces of all children who didnt go, why would you do that???

bosscat · 19/08/2005 17:12

mytwopenceworth, I think in that situation I would only invite half of the class or maybe a limited number. i would not have the heart to invite all but one even if they were horrible to my child. How damaging must it be to think you are the only one not liked (even if you are a little horror). Children do go through phases. My best friend is someone I couldn't stand at infant school, yet we've been friends for 25 years now. I was brought up to believe that you should treat others how you would like to be treated yourself. Just as I would hate to see my own child be the only one not invited to a party (and I am saying only one, not one out of half the class) I couldn't do it to someone elses.

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