Help, am I being out of order?

[Marygirl90]

Hey Guys,

I'm new here and just looking for some opinions/advice on a particular topic. I will give some background and information now and any weigh ins would be greatly appreciated.

I'm 34 and recently found I am expecting my first child with my boyfriend 42, he currently has a son 4 from a previous relationship, we live in a lovely 3.5 bed house, 3 bedrooms and an office room.

Our current set up is master bedroom being our bedroom, second size bedroom being son/his mothers room (decorated equally for both), followed by a dressing room for me and then an office. He has a room set up for his mum as she lives in Spain so stays with us when she is in UK, he is one of three brothers and he is the only one with a room for her.

Now finding out I am pregnant comes the space talk, where will things go, nursery etc. Being a first time mum a nursery is very important to me and something I have always planned and envisioned etc. I have said from get go I would sacrifice my dressing room for a nursery but I do have a lot of things so my partner questions where will it all go? I have came up with the solution that my dressing room becomes a nursery, the office gets used maybe 4/5 times a year so I have suggested that become part playroom for his son/part office and i reduce my belongings so some wardrobes and draws for me can fit in his sons room (his son spends one night a week with us). The only issue with this is there is a double bed in that room (for his mum when she visits) so it would mean getting rid of that to some sort of child's cabin bed to keep it as a room for his son/my wardrobes etc.

My partner was not keen on this idea as he is reluctant to lose a bed for his Mother, he has suggested keeping everything as it is and just putting a cot in our room, which I'm pretty upset about as having a room for our baby, a place to nurse etc is important.

His mum has a lump sum of money invested in the house so he uses this as she deserves a bed based on that. We are looking to purchase a bigger property in a couple years so I have said there will be a spare room back then for her but for now could she maybe lean on his siblings for space as we are also a growing family, he isn't convinced and reverts back to just creating a nursery in the corner of our room.

I have said my only priority is having space and comfort for our family and a bed, toy space for his son when he stays, but it seems his differs.

Am I being out of order for wanting to switch things around to accommodate a nursery over a bed for his Mother? I just cannot see the logic is cohabiting in one space when we are there 7 days a week and there will be a room that is used one day a week and perhaps 4 times a year. Opinions?

The dressing room would go if I were in your shoes. And I'd downsize the stuff in it drastically.

Clothes are less important than people, no matter how many days a week.

In reality - baby should be in with you for at least the first six months to reduce the risk of SIDS, and you're highly unlikely to use a specific space to nurse - it can take an age you'll drive yourself mad spending all your time in one room.

You have 3.5 bedrooms. I'd say your options are:

Master, child/MIL room, nursery, office.

Master child/MIL room, nursery, dressing room.

You don't have enough space to have the luxury of a dressing room AND an office, so pick one to go or combine them with clever storage.

I'd avoid changing anything about the DS's room - a new baby is a big enough change to handle.

I do find it very strange that you are prioritising possessions over people. Particularly a child of the family, and a woman who technically owns part of your house.

Could you buy your own house? You get to call the shots then, not when you're living in your partner and his mother's house!

Hi,

I'm not prioritising a dressing room or possessions if you read it I have said that I would sacrifice my dressing room/downsize possessions as a nursery is more important to me.

The office is not mine it is my partners which is why i suggested it become a playroom as it is barely used so that wardrobes can go in sons room as there is physically no space in ours hence why my partner created a dressing room in first place.

Thanks for your advice.

Hi,

I do own my own home and I have been convinced to sell it so I can live full time with my partner, it is currently 8 weeks into a sale process.

I have suggested i move back into my house so i can do a nursery and we live separately but he isn't keen on that idea either.

Any more advice?

Hi,

I'm not prioritising a dressing room or possessions if you read it I have said that I would sacrifice my dressing room/downsize possessions as a nursery is more important to me.

The office is not mine it is my partners which is why i suggested it become a playroom as it is barely used so that wardrobes can go in sons room as there is physically no space in ours hence why my partner created a dressing room in first place.

Thanks for your advice

Baby doesn’t need a playroom and nursery, just make the smallest room a dressing room/office

The playroom would be for his son 4 as he has a mountain of trucks and toys etc. The room that would be a nursery is a box room so wouldn't accommodate both.

Where are they all now? You didn’t mention a playroom in current set up? Just have a toy box in his existing room and other toy storage in your living area.

i found putting 2/3 of toys away in garage or shed in big plastic boxes and rotating every couple of months helped minimise clutter but also kept interest in them for longer when all were available all the time. Doing something like that might help.

get rid of three quarters of what is in the dressing room. Combine dressing room and office. baby gets what is now dressing room. Mother/son room is untouched.

His toys are in the bedroom in large boxes, storage units etc but if extra wardrobes were to go in there to remove dressing room then they wouldn't fit in the bedroom anymore hence my suggestion of giving him a play room. Suggested playroom in current set up is barely used office.

Just make the office the dressing room with space for an occasional desk

Why are you suggesting creating 2 new rooms - a nursery and a playroom. That makes no sense.

yes, the dressing room becomes the nursery and, longer term, your child's bedroom. Between you and your DP, you then need to find place to put your stuff. I'd be inclined to say the office becomes half office/half dressing room if he's not using it much anyway. Or you have to get creative in the master.

And, longer term, you're probably going to need a bigger house because your DSS and his grandmother can't share a room indefinitely.

This has been my other thought which I am yet to suggest to him it's just the office is pretty tiny classed as half bedroom and with wardrobes in there you would barely walk to the desk chair.

I have said I will sell all my belongings to ensure the nursery is priority but he thinks this is dramatic but its looking like the way forward so his Mother can keep a bed for four times a year.

I also want to add that I find it quite concerning that you're basically trying to ditch a bed for your MIL because it suggests a bigger problem - he prioritisses her in your home and you don't. Neither of you are necessarily wrong but if that is the core issue, you need to get that sorted asap.

I agree, I prioritise myself and my unborn child more.

There will be a single bed for her to stay in just not a double as to gain space the double will need to be reduced to a single, but a single isn't adequate for his mother.

Thanks for your advice, looks like I may take my house off the market and live separately until we combine in a larger house.

having a room for our baby, a place to nurse etc is important

Yeah, I thought that 😂

The reality is that the baby will need to sleep in your room for 6 months minimum so the 'nursery' sits there as an ornamental, unused room for that whole period. And you never go and sit in the ornamental nursery to bf, you'll end up bf on the sofa or in bed - because those are rooms you actually use and are comfortable in.

There's no rush for a nursery based on the probability of it not being used. Just put a cot in your room and then make any decisions about room uses after you've got use to how life actually is with a baby.

However, like many of us before you, I suspect you'll totally disregard this advice, think 'of course I'll use the damn nursery', go ahead and create one, barely step foot in it for 6 months, then be giving the 'Don't bother with a nursery straight away' advice yourself in a few years 😁

Thanks for your advice, looks like I may take my house off the market and live separately until we combine in a larger house.

Talk about a massive overreaction, and a great way to ruin your relationship, for a room that will barely be used.

No i most definitely agree that baby will be in with us for a period of time etc, I think for me it is about the excitement of my first child (2 previous miscarriages) and having the joy of creating that little space etc and knowing that is my little babies room.

And when we can utilise the space to keep myself, my partner, his son and baby taken care of i'm a little bit upset that we cannot do that.

I do own another house on my own so it is likely I can move there to create more space.

I do own another house on my own so it is likely I can move there to create more space

Honestly op, if this is the way your thinking is going then I would just end the relationship now as you're clearly not that invested in it.

Alternatively, your dp might end it himself once you float this suggestion. You're prioritising a room over your relationship and your child having a present father. Unless he's as thick as mince, your oh will receive that message loud and clear.

Thanks, as a first time mum trying to create a space and excitement for my baby and after two miscarriages, that was super helpful.

Create excitement? Isn't it already there? Sorry, op, but your rigidity over a nursery is ringing alarm bells. That you're willing to live apart from your partner just to have some dream nursery is really extreme. Most people in a happy relationship, especially with a baby on the way, would prioritise that relationship, not a room.

defo get a pull out bed. Like a sofa bed type thing, you can get really nice ones with proper mattresses. You don’t need a room dedicated to someone who lives abroad.

The best option as I can see it is turn the dressing room into a nursery and get rid of the wardrobes. Problem solved.

Thank you, I have started looking at this and also suggested when she comes she takes our bed and we sleep on a blow up so we can accommodate for those of us who are there 7 days a week. But he is not buying into her loosing a bedroom.

Thanks, where would you suggest my clothes go? More than happy to sell and reduce what i have but where would the remainder go as i do still some clothes and shoes? Wardrobes are maxed out in our room between my partners/his mothers clothes hence why he made me a dressing room.