Help, am I being out of order?

[Marygirl90]

Hey Guys,

I'm new here and just looking for some opinions/advice on a particular topic. I will give some background and information now and any weigh ins would be greatly appreciated.

I'm 34 and recently found I am expecting my first child with my boyfriend 42, he currently has a son 4 from a previous relationship, we live in a lovely 3.5 bed house, 3 bedrooms and an office room.

Our current set up is master bedroom being our bedroom, second size bedroom being son/his mothers room (decorated equally for both), followed by a dressing room for me and then an office. He has a room set up for his mum as she lives in Spain so stays with us when she is in UK, he is one of three brothers and he is the only one with a room for her.

Now finding out I am pregnant comes the space talk, where will things go, nursery etc. Being a first time mum a nursery is very important to me and something I have always planned and envisioned etc. I have said from get go I would sacrifice my dressing room for a nursery but I do have a lot of things so my partner questions where will it all go? I have came up with the solution that my dressing room becomes a nursery, the office gets used maybe 4/5 times a year so I have suggested that become part playroom for his son/part office and i reduce my belongings so some wardrobes and draws for me can fit in his sons room (his son spends one night a week with us). The only issue with this is there is a double bed in that room (for his mum when she visits) so it would mean getting rid of that to some sort of child's cabin bed to keep it as a room for his son/my wardrobes etc.

My partner was not keen on this idea as he is reluctant to lose a bed for his Mother, he has suggested keeping everything as it is and just putting a cot in our room, which I'm pretty upset about as having a room for our baby, a place to nurse etc is important.

His mum has a lump sum of money invested in the house so he uses this as she deserves a bed based on that. We are looking to purchase a bigger property in a couple years so I have said there will be a spare room back then for her but for now could she maybe lean on his siblings for space as we are also a growing family, he isn't convinced and reverts back to just creating a nursery in the corner of our room.

I have said my only priority is having space and comfort for our family and a bed, toy space for his son when he stays, but it seems his differs.

Am I being out of order for wanting to switch things around to accommodate a nursery over a bed for his Mother? I just cannot see the logic is cohabiting in one space when we are there 7 days a week and there will be a room that is used one day a week and perhaps 4 times a year. Opinions?

Could you use the office and put a bed in it for the mum, maybe one that pulls down from the wall/is a chair or sofa the rest of the time? Or use some clever storage in there for the things from your dressing room? Or I don’t know how much stuff you have but I’ve got one of those ottoman lift up beds that’s really good for storage if you need to put stuff in your room?
I think the baby should have their own room as they’re there all the time but wouldn’t say there’s a rush as they should be in with you for the first 6 months at least

I totally understand that feeling of wanting your baby to have it's own nursery especially after imagining it for so long, and I think your partner is being a little rigid shooting down all your ideas and offering the same solution over and over. Yes baby will be ok your room for the first 6-12 months but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't have it's own space to move into and get used to before moving in there.

I think you should leave the master and sons room as is, move the dressing room to the office or turn the office into the nursery. Since WFH became so popular there are some really clever bits of furniture that can work as a home office but looks like cabinets or folding up on the wall, as it's not used much. Is there space downstairs or in the dressing room for something small like that?

You both need to make sacrifices and reduce your stuff to make room for the baby and everything that comes with it. You both made this baby together after all so you're both responsible for figuring out how to fit it into your lives.

PS I also don't understand why MIL is unable to use a single bed but you can also get beds where a single slides underneath a single and then you can slide it out and pop it up to make a double when needed.

Do you have enough room/budget to get a garden office built which would leave you with:

1. Master bedroom as is
2. dressing room as is
3. Guest room/stepson’s bedroom as is
4. Baby’s room (old office)
5. New office in the garden

We’re pregnant and are losing a guest room/office so are getting a garden office built for working from home and turning the old office/guest room into one of the kids rooms.

your alternative is to put a desk in your current guest/step sons room and turn your current office into baby’s room

Baby will be in with you for a year anyway especially if you are planning to breastfeed having to get up and go into a different room every 40 mins -2 hours just won't work my son is 1 and still in with us as he still wakes for a feed/cuddle ( 6th child 3rd breastfed ) .
If his mother has a financial investment in the house then yes she comes before what sounds like a ridiculous amount of clothes and shoes

Baby will be in with you for a year anyway especially if you are planning to breastfeed having to get up and go into a different room every 40 mins -2 hours just won't work my son is 1 and still in with us as he still wakes for a feed/cuddle ( 6th child 3rd breastfed ) .
If his mother has a financial investment in the house then yes she comes before what sounds like a ridiculous amount of clothes and shoes.
Where does the ss fit in here aswell his room is going to be a dumping ground and he won't be 4 forever he is going to quickly realise he hasn't got a space that's HIS and probably not want to come anymore

You sound absolutely exhausting how many clothes do you have that you need an ENTIRE room for them and extra wardrobes AFTER getting rid of lots bloody hell get a grip you are in for a massive shock when this baby comes along let me tell you , hours upon hours spent cluster feeding in this room you HAD to have isolated from anyone and everything in a chair that looks comfy but isn't I'm in due in groups do you know how many breastfeeding mothers used the nursery's in the 1 year since they were born ?? 1 just 1 because she stopped at 6 months

Realistically if MiL visits 4 times a year and son comes once a week then how much overlap is there? Take the combined room and decorate it for the son in a way that he has a say in and is excited about and put a single bed that can be converted into a double in for the few times a year you have to manage her arrival. https://www.time4sleep.co.uk/products/atlantis-oak-finish-wooden-guest-bed-including-underbed/atlantis-oak-finish-wooden-guest-bed-including-underbed?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD-rnJZCp2xoEQc2UznK5TCMDl5Um&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIr9WgsreihwMVipKDBx2P-wYqEAQYCCABEgIKcvD_BwE

I say this as gently as possible- your expectations and desires about how life will be once a baby arrives do not always match the reality. You’re early in pregnancy, it sounds from what you say (I could have misunderstood) that you would like a nursery space to feed etc. In reality you’ll most likely want to keep getting out of bed in the middle of the night to an absolute minimum, not be faffing about sitting in nurseries. As PPs have said, it’s recommended the baby be in your room for minimum 6 months, but in reality it may well be beyond this if you BF. I’m not sure that purposely isolating yourself from your DP when you have a newborn, by moving back into your own home, is a good idea. Why don’t you concentrate on your pregnancy, welcome your baby and spend a few months seeing what life looks like? Your priorities may well change significantly. If you’re still hellbent on a nursery you’ll have months to organise this whilst DC is in a cot in your room. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

You won’t need a nursery until they’re approximately one years old. I had the same idea but it was a waste of time decorating before the baby wa shot. As they’ll be in your room. I’d forget the cot and nursery and focus on having your baby with you. As nice as the nursery is to plan it’s not realistic. It does sound frustrating though. However id choose your battles for the sake of your stress levels for you and your baby x

I’ve just realised you’re asking for a bedroom for your son and a nursery! Wow. I think it’s really unreasonable. Sorry OP but this is your first baby and he won’t need his own bedroom or nursery for quite a while! I’m with your partner on this one.

Suggest you go back and read the thread again. Currently the house (in addition to the Master bedroom), has a room set aside as a dressing room, one as an office and one for her Partner's mother who visits a handful of times a year and her Partner's 4 year old son (not OP's) who is there one day a week.

What is "really unreasonable" about the boy and the baby each having a room? Are clothes and office equipment more important?

I'd put the son in the smaller room with a single bed, toy box little wardrobe and drawers. He's there once a week. He'll have his own space, there.

Then I'd put your nursery in the room that has the double bed in, get a good sofa bed in there that the mother can use when she visits. If needs be get a good mattress to put in top. Babies take up space and seeing as baby will be there full time, I'd say it would be a good idea to give them the bigger room as you may also need to sleep in there too on rough nights, poorly etc. Then wardrobes in there.

This. I was the exact same with DS 4 but when your lovely new baby is here you really won't want to feed them anywhere but the bed or sofa. If I were you I would work out how much money you would spend on the nursery and buy yourself a really lovely treat with that money instead.

Wtf did I just read. Hes more bothered about his mum having space than his son? No you can't put your clothes in his sons room, your room is for your stuff. And no a baby doesn't need a nursery and should sleep next to mum for a minimum of 6 months. And a room for nursing? So 20 times a day you're going to go upstairs and sit in a specified room for that? Gtfo

Instead of a cabin bed (which will have a limited use as his son gets older anyway) could you reduce the bed to a single/small double?

alternatively now would be the time for bedroom 2 to be one for your child who will live there 10% of time and reconfigure the dressing room and office for his son/the mother in law

It’s your mother in laws house too. She paid for it. You can’t push her out. Just get rid of a bunch of your clothes and fit a dresser in the nursery for the rest. Dressing room is nursery. The rest stays the same. Don’t talk if running back to your house just to have dressing room instead of a nursery. That’s horribly selfish. The child should be with her dad full time too. The relationship should matter much more to you than a room. You two are planning to buy a home that will not belong to your mother in law. So just hang tight until then. Get a storage space if you must.

Why not get a bunk bed for the sons room? You can get bunk beds which have a single at the top and a double on the bottom.
You could then use storage boxes that slide underneath the bed.
If it is Summer, store some of your bulky winter items in the storage boxes, and swap them out for summer clothes when it is winter

Call a screeching halt to the sale of the house you own.

I don't think your partner has wrapped his head around the idea of you and he as equals in the house where you're currently living.

I don't think he has accepted the reality of his second baby or the equal place the second baby will have in the house.

His world is his 4 year old/his mother, and you, in that order. Maybe the mother ahead of the 4 year old, as he clearly knows what side his bread is buttered on and his mother knows this too.

Keep your own house! Keep the option of moving back there.

And do not buy a house with this man unless you marry him.

People on this thread are Batshit?!
Of course there needs to be some sort of nursery! Where are all the baby things going to go otherwise?!
why on earth does your MIL have so many clothes at his house that it requires wardrobe space?! If she’s coming over and visiting four times a year she can just bring a suitcase of stuff when she comes, and live out of that for a week like anyone else that is on holiday?! Presumably there is a wardrobe in that son/MIL shared room so she can hang stuff up on arrival?!

master bedroom contains yours and your partners clothes/things etc.
bed 2 remains for stepson and MIL (where does stepson go when MIL staying though?!)
bed 3 becomes nursery
bed 3.5/office stores any extra stuff if need be aka MIL clothes that don’t even need to be in your house?! If it’s a barely used space anyway I don’t understand why it is an entirely separate office space!

I think stopping the sale of your house and moving back to it does send clear messages to your OH but tbh I get your point - he’s not giving good vibes for you and your new baby being any kind of priority to him. Is he really worth having a child with?! Obvs a bit late now but he’s sounding a bit pathetic mummies boy and no respect for you and your unborn child “move in but no you can’t have a say or any space”
urgh 😵‍💫

So many comments like this seemingly unable to read?
She has said all along she will get rid of dressing room but is she just supposed to have no belongings or clothes?! Where is her stuff to go? His MUM has clothes permanently at the house despite being there approx 4 times a year?!
utter madness.

She’s stated previously that the reason her things needed to be in a separate room is because her MIL keeps all of her “UK” clothes in the wardrobes at her house.
It’s not just her things, her boyfriend and his mother are keeping all of their things in her bedroom so she had no choice but to keep them in another room!

Honestly I couldn’t agree more, the mentality of some of these posts is actually blowing my mind 😂 and how plain nasty some humans are! Absolutely deranged 😂

That’s not what she’s asking for at all.