Help, am I being out of order?

[Marygirl90]

Hey Guys,

I'm new here and just looking for some opinions/advice on a particular topic. I will give some background and information now and any weigh ins would be greatly appreciated.

I'm 34 and recently found I am expecting my first child with my boyfriend 42, he currently has a son 4 from a previous relationship, we live in a lovely 3.5 bed house, 3 bedrooms and an office room.

Our current set up is master bedroom being our bedroom, second size bedroom being son/his mothers room (decorated equally for both), followed by a dressing room for me and then an office. He has a room set up for his mum as she lives in Spain so stays with us when she is in UK, he is one of three brothers and he is the only one with a room for her.

Now finding out I am pregnant comes the space talk, where will things go, nursery etc. Being a first time mum a nursery is very important to me and something I have always planned and envisioned etc. I have said from get go I would sacrifice my dressing room for a nursery but I do have a lot of things so my partner questions where will it all go? I have came up with the solution that my dressing room becomes a nursery, the office gets used maybe 4/5 times a year so I have suggested that become part playroom for his son/part office and i reduce my belongings so some wardrobes and draws for me can fit in his sons room (his son spends one night a week with us). The only issue with this is there is a double bed in that room (for his mum when she visits) so it would mean getting rid of that to some sort of child's cabin bed to keep it as a room for his son/my wardrobes etc.

My partner was not keen on this idea as he is reluctant to lose a bed for his Mother, he has suggested keeping everything as it is and just putting a cot in our room, which I'm pretty upset about as having a room for our baby, a place to nurse etc is important.

His mum has a lump sum of money invested in the house so he uses this as she deserves a bed based on that. We are looking to purchase a bigger property in a couple years so I have said there will be a spare room back then for her but for now could she maybe lean on his siblings for space as we are also a growing family, he isn't convinced and reverts back to just creating a nursery in the corner of our room.

I have said my only priority is having space and comfort for our family and a bed, toy space for his son when he stays, but it seems his differs.

Am I being out of order for wanting to switch things around to accommodate a nursery over a bed for his Mother? I just cannot see the logic is cohabiting in one space when we are there 7 days a week and there will be a room that is used one day a week and perhaps 4 times a year. Opinions?

How big is this woman?

Sounds like you’re looking for reasons to break up with him tbh. So do that as you sound quite resentful.

You really don't like your SS and MIL do you? You also don't like your partner much either if you're thinking of moving out just because he's not bowing down to the ridiculousness of a baby needing it's own nursery - for you to feed them in!

Listen honey, we’ve all had miscarriages and we’ve all been terrified and we’ve all been irrational. And you are being irrational and having a tantrum. You have GOT to find another way of communicating with your partner other than ‘if I don’t get my way about this I’m leaving’. There’s only so many times you can threaten that before it becomes a reality.
And why wouldn’t your partner ‘convince’ you to sell your house and move in? You were going to be a family, yea? Before you changed your mind.
With my fourth kid because she was so so long after my other three I was convinced I needed absolutely every gadget under the sun. Despite advocating for years for washing babies in the kitchen sink and plonking them down anywhere. I needed that pram, that weird floaty bubble chair, I was trying to import a specific high chair. I had gone completely and utterly mad. The child used none of the things. The children will never use none of the things. And her beautiful nursery/bedroom is currently the rabbit room because she won’t get out of my bed. I’ve given her a deadline of sleeping in her own room before she goes off to uni since I doubt she’ll listen at all.
Do you have sisters or friends you can talk to? Because what’s happening is you don’t think he’s as invested or cares as much as you. That might not be fair.
Although I have never forgiven my husband about not caring about which Etsy decals I bought.

Hi op,

I totally understand your reasoning for wanting a nursery! Both my DS’s had one, not used to sleep in for 6 months plus, but it was something I enjoyed doing while pregnant, a special place for their things, the excitement etc. so I really get it, and of course you should have that option.

I hope you all manage to find a solution, whatever happens, sorry not too much advice on that! My dressing room became the nursery.
has your partners mother said anything or is she none the wiser to the situation?

I do own another house on my own so it is likely I can move there to create more space

Rather than move out to "create space", and further divide your family, rather than integrate it, surely there is equity in your home?

So the longer term solution would be to sell BOTH houses and put the combined proceeds into one new place which will accommodate everyone (Yourself, Partner, Stepson, Mother-in-law, New Baby) and their needs.

I don't know about the rooms, but what stands out to me is you are selling your own home and are living with a partner.

Obviously, I don't know your financial situation, but just wanted to say don't leave yourself financially vulnerable.

You won't have any rights in a partner's home. Don't put your money into it.

I don't understand the issue as you technically have four bedrooms? Get an IKEA hemnes day bed for the kids room, they are a single but can pull out into a double, and have huge storage drawers underneath. Then it can be stepsons bed when mil isn't there, then can pull it out into a double when she is, drawers underneath can be used for his toys, spare bedding etc. The office room, if not used entirely for that sole purpose, can be updated with some extra storage solutions for clothes, if thry won't all fit in master (bear in mind, once baby is here most of the clothes won't get worn, and joggers/leggings and baggy tees will become your new wardrobe). Then you swap your dressing room for baby's nursery, and you still have your main master bedroom. All I would say, is if you're going to decorate the room as a nursery, don't bother getting it all kitted out in fancy babyish wallpaper etc, just keep it plain, as by the time your baby will probably use it, it will need updating, and you'll be forced by your toddler to adorn the beautiful room with some grotesque peppa pig/bluey crap instead, to try and make them sleep in it. Babies prefer to be in with their parents, it's safer and easier for everyone anyway. I do get it, with my first I spent the whole pregnancy perfecting the nursery, making sure it was ready and perfect.... 8 months after she was born, the cot was now just an oversized "ironing" basket, the ridiculously pointless changing table, was just used to store excess nappies on, and no one had stepped foot in it unless to get to the ironing (that never actually got ironed as no one has time for that shit once a baby comes along). Learnt our mistake and 2 years down the line when second dd came along, we didn't bother with any of it. Got a moses basket for the living room, and co slept until she was two. Saved alot of time, money and energy!

So let me get this straight, you live in a 4 bedroom house with your DP who only has his son one night a week and a mother who visits occasionally, yet there is apparently not enough room for when a baby arrives? Is that right?

Also, this comment

I have suggested i move back into my house so i can do a nursery

is truly bizarre. So you moved in with this man and decided to have a baby (I'm going to assume you've not been together long) and now you're pregnant you're thinking about moving back out?!

i see a number of issues here. Clearly you need to make room for the baby, not just now but long term. The priority should be both yours and your partners stuff should both fit in your master bedroom, not the MIL’s stuff. You both need to divide the space up and sort out your belongings and possessions so that they fit in here, get rid of stuff you both don’t need. If you haven’t already get an ottoman bed as they are excellent for additional storage. I moved in with my partner and we both had to get rid of a lot of stuff so all our things could fit in but we did it and it was quite satisfying having a clear out of things I probably wouldn’t wear again. When I used to live in a smaller house I often used to have to rotate my wardrobe for winter and summer clothes.

i would for now leave the mil sons room as is and put her belongings in there or store them somewhere until she comes back. She also needs to make a sacrifice and she should understand that you need to make room for the baby.

I would turn the dressing room into a nursery for the baby.

and if the office allows put a small desk in and some extra storage for toys or clothes.

my other concern here is that your baby is going to accumulate a lot of toys over the coming years so if you can’t fit in the step sons where are you going to put your baby’s?

and just saying I’ll go and live in my house is not the answer and really childish. You need to come to a solution that everyone is happy with. Why would you want to live apart from your partner when the new baby comes, it should be a happy time which you should embrace together

WoW, there's loads of helpful and not so helpful advice around here...
Let's see.
For the time being:

Option n1:
master bedroom DP + yourself + baby for six months. DP, your clothes and babies clothes are prioritised here. Your MIL need to go somewhere else.
DS bedroom wit ensuite I believe you mentioned... If DS is only staying there for 1 day a week and a few times a year MIL, rearrange it if you need to but it makes sense that they share.
bedroom number three (current dressing room): this will be a nursery/future room for your baby..now there is absolutely no rush on sorting it out now, your baby will be in your room for a long time before you move it. You might even feel better 2-3 months after having baby, physically and emotionally, and even though hormones are still playing a part, in no way is comparable with pregnancy. You'll see things more clear then.
Office: I know you mentioned this is his office BUT you've moved into this house and needs to be re arranged otherwise it is not his and yours, you're just invited to live in it. Discuss it with DH. Perhaps is a good time for some spring cleaning in that office. And a good combination of storage + a pull out desk if needed a few times a year might be an option.

Option N2:

Is the master bedroom smaller than DS & MIL with ensuite? Just wondering a swap so you could accommodate your bed, cot & wardrobes for both you & husband. Then you can relocate rooms accordingly.

I don't thing DS at 4 needs a play room. Kids that age prefer to be close to you so pick up a few toys and follow you into living room/sitting room/kitchen etc. You don't want them to be alone upstairs anyway while you cook downstairs etc so I don't think the idea of a playroom upstairs is a good one.

MIL business... My parents leave in Spain and every house we've rented or own I was adamant they had somewhere they could stay at mines. Because otherwise flights expences hotels etc becomes too much. And if you and DP have a good relationship with her you don't want to spoil that really...
I agree she needs somewhere to stay. And yes ideally would be her own space but in a house where there's that many people and coming in and out with the space you have is not always possible.

I believe a good trundle bed is the most appropriate solution. There are very good ones that ultimately becomes a full super king bed if you want, with the same thickness for mattress etc (this is what I ended up getting for my parents). They initially had their own room in my house but eventually, with third kid on the way, is just not possible for them to have their own space anymore. What we do is the trundle is in the study, and when they come, that becomes their room.
Now I appreciate your study is only small, but perhaps that is something you could work around?
Also, DS is only staying there 1 day a week BUT there's going to b a lot of changes for him anyway. You could offer him the smaññes bedroom BUT make it super fun. It'll have his favourite characters on the walls, his own space, doesn't have to share with his grandma. Maybe making it super amazing for him and giving him his own big boy bedroom BEFORE baby arrives might be a way to address it.

This way it comes:

Option 3:
Master bedroom: DP + yourself+ baby
Ensuite: a mix of office space, extra storage/wardrobes, and a trundle bed for when grandma comes.
Bedroom n3: nursery. Enough space for cot after 6 months, wardrobe, chest of drawers and nursing chair, all the parafernalia if that is what you want.
Half bedroom: big boys super cool room :) you can get very creative with small spaces ;)

I think option N3: is the best TBF. If the office/MIL bedroom is the one that is used the least, it makes sense that is shared. And is not fair on DS to have to share with grandma and.not having a boys bedroom to his taste.

what I would not do is DS to have to share with grandma and grandma's things AS WELL as wardrobes for clothes and shoes etc that aren't even his.. give him his space as well.

One last thing to mention, remember hormones are a bitch...
You've said a few things that have sounded like you're forced to live in this house. You have mentioned about moving back to your house...
This are not good signs.
Carefully, revaluate your situation. But mindful of making any drastic decisions while you're pregnant.
Out of curiosity, how long have you been living in this house?. Did he ask you to move before or after you found out you were pregnant? How long have you been together?

Best of luck!

AliciaSoo's option 3.

If the office is only used a few times a year, I suggest your husband uses a library or local computer hub for this type of work. Alternatively use the desk as a hybrid dresser/desk where necessary. Your master bedroom and the shared bedroom are clearly not going to change, which leaves the only real solution is to decide if you need a bigger nursery or a bigger combined office/dressing room.
Alternatively move the son and MIL into the master bedroom with additional storage so that becomes a multi functional room. You have their bedroom just for sleeping and you have an office and a nursery.

Why are his mother’s closed stored in your bedroom?

Surely your clothes should be in the master bedroom and hers in storage?

I’m going to buck the trend here and offer you my sympathy.

You have made sacrifices by moving into your partner’s home - which he shares some of the time with his DS and a few times a year with his mother.

You are also sacrificing your security by selling your home.

On top of this, you aren’t able to use the wardrobe space in your own bedroom because it’s full of his or his mum’s clothes.

Has he had to change anything in his daily life or made any sacrifices?

I understand why you want a space of your own with your baby.

Realistically, baby will be with in your room for the first few months. You could see how it all goes when baby is ready to move into their own room?

Or you can go ahead with your plans to create your nursery and turn his domestic arrangement upside down - which he is strongly resisting.

Or you can move back into your home and be essentially a single mum on a daily basis.

My final comment will be a question and that is: why are you making all the compromises in your life together?

I was with you right up until you said his mum has a lump sum invested in the house, It is very likely she did this so she would have somewhere to stay without feeling that she was causing too much hardship. Based on this, I would say she "owns" one of the rooms. It's up to you what you do with the other rooms.

Your SS hasn't got that much stuff if he only stays 1 night a week so how about buying a double bed with storage underneath or space underneath that you can put the toy boxes? That way their room can stay as it is 🤷‍♀️

Baby should be sleeping in your room for at least six months. You don’t need a nursery yet. It’s not ideal having a 4 year old sleeping on a different floor either. Put both houses on the market and find a more suitable home.

If you have to stay longer, you could turn the dressing room Into a nursery. Move the 4YO into the office (there should be enough room for a single bed, his toys and clothes. Get a decent sofa bed for the larger downstairs bedroom and use it as a guest room/office/playroom with some storage for your MIL clothes and any excess clothes you have.

Errr this. My mind is blown that the master bedroom is full of your partners clothes and your MIL’s. She doesn’t really live there?! Why is your partner not making and changes or adjustment? Spoiler: EVERYONE should make changes when having a baby. Don’t set a precedent of you bending and adjusting around everyone else as it won’t end well. Oh and don’t sleep on a blow up bed so your MIL can commandeer the master bedroom.

I’m voting master bedroom, DSS / MIL room, baby nursery and office / dressing room. Yes, baby won’t go into the nursery for a while. But no harm is setting it up and it’s a good place to put all of their stuff

It is absolutely reasonable that you want to create a space for your baby, especially as a first time mom. Regardless of whether or not that room is used for the first 6-12 months it’s lovely to have that space ready for the new arrival. Picking out colours/patterns, hanging tiny baby clothes and having a changing table all set up is all part of the excitement, I did that for all 3 of mine. And my 2nd child never used the room 😂
There is no reason tht your MIL requires a double bed to stay a couple of times a year, however I would suggest that the best option would be to remove the office and turn into storage for clothes etc and set up a desk in your bedroom for a laptop/computer (seeing as your other half suggested the baby could fit there anyway)
create a nursery in your dressing room and leave DSS and MIL to have the other bedroom

I’d pack my things and go back to my own home where I could make decisions and not be forced to fit in to a house where the use of the rooms make no sense at all!

I don't think they're actually married.

I do think they're not likely to stay together if they can't agree on this.

So you moved in with this man and decided to have a baby (I'm going to assume you've not been together long) and now you're pregnant you're thinking about moving back out?!

It does seem bizarre, @Marygirl90

If you and your boyfriend can't make a simple decision about your baby's nursery, it doesn't bode well for your relationship.

Cant you have a combination dressing room/office?