Help, am I being out of order?

[Marygirl90]

Hey Guys,

I'm new here and just looking for some opinions/advice on a particular topic. I will give some background and information now and any weigh ins would be greatly appreciated.

I'm 34 and recently found I am expecting my first child with my boyfriend 42, he currently has a son 4 from a previous relationship, we live in a lovely 3.5 bed house, 3 bedrooms and an office room.

Our current set up is master bedroom being our bedroom, second size bedroom being son/his mothers room (decorated equally for both), followed by a dressing room for me and then an office. He has a room set up for his mum as she lives in Spain so stays with us when she is in UK, he is one of three brothers and he is the only one with a room for her.

Now finding out I am pregnant comes the space talk, where will things go, nursery etc. Being a first time mum a nursery is very important to me and something I have always planned and envisioned etc. I have said from get go I would sacrifice my dressing room for a nursery but I do have a lot of things so my partner questions where will it all go? I have came up with the solution that my dressing room becomes a nursery, the office gets used maybe 4/5 times a year so I have suggested that become part playroom for his son/part office and i reduce my belongings so some wardrobes and draws for me can fit in his sons room (his son spends one night a week with us). The only issue with this is there is a double bed in that room (for his mum when she visits) so it would mean getting rid of that to some sort of child's cabin bed to keep it as a room for his son/my wardrobes etc.

My partner was not keen on this idea as he is reluctant to lose a bed for his Mother, he has suggested keeping everything as it is and just putting a cot in our room, which I'm pretty upset about as having a room for our baby, a place to nurse etc is important.

His mum has a lump sum of money invested in the house so he uses this as she deserves a bed based on that. We are looking to purchase a bigger property in a couple years so I have said there will be a spare room back then for her but for now could she maybe lean on his siblings for space as we are also a growing family, he isn't convinced and reverts back to just creating a nursery in the corner of our room.

I have said my only priority is having space and comfort for our family and a bed, toy space for his son when he stays, but it seems his differs.

Am I being out of order for wanting to switch things around to accommodate a nursery over a bed for his Mother? I just cannot see the logic is cohabiting in one space when we are there 7 days a week and there will be a room that is used one day a week and perhaps 4 times a year. Opinions?

Get rid of the office. Buy an outbuilding type man cave style thing for the office. Or make a space under the stairs, dining area. This is a waste of room I think, if only used once a couple of months.
So: office becomes nursery. Keep child/mum room and keep dressing room.
Give give husband option. Office or mum room. Your new child deserves his/her own space. It's your home before the mum and and the child (in nicest way) and dressing room is more practical than the office. It's a no brainer. U need to get firm with the hubby. He's not the one that will be home on maty leave looking after new baby and even if baby will sleep with you for first while baby still needs own room. Put ur foot down. Office goes, mum room stays. Baby gets own room, u get dresser.

Box up his mothers clothes and ask her to go through them on her next visit and take what she wants to keep and donate/sell the rest. Move your clothes to your room. If she insists she needs to keep some there put a small wardrobe in the office/her bedroom for her.

Thank you, this is probably one of the nicest responses, maj people saying I'm out of order for trying to get of MIL bed (for the record I get on with her great I am just trying to prioritise myself and new baby) or spoilt for dressing room (I have said from get go I will sacrifice that space for a nursery).

It is his office not mine I do not use it so I will pitch this to him as it really is barely used, more just used to store paperwork which is why I initially suggested as playroom for his son so he wasn't missing out on space. Thanks for your advice!

Master - you and partner

2nd bedroom his son

3rd bedroom nursery

office room - would that fit a single bed or sofa bed for his mum?

There will be a single bed in his sons room where she is welcome to stay but i don't think a single bed will be adequate. Will definitely pitch this though, maybe convert office to small spare room. Thank you!

I do own my own home and I have been convinced to sell it so I can live full time with my partner, it is currently 8 weeks into a sale process.

Who convinced you? I would stop the sale process and move back in. You can have proper discussions when there aren't deadlines pushing you into hasty decisions.

If a single isn’t adequate for her I’d be tempted to suggest a hotel. Whilst your DH wants his mum to stay that is all good and well when you have the space but now the family is growing I’d hope MIL would understand there’s not space for a double. His son needs his own room even if he only stays once a week it’s important he keeps his space and your baby should have their own room in their home

My partner did as he wanted me living with him full time but I now have no say over this house which is meant to be my home also but maj people on here think i'm being out of order wanting to create a nursery over a room for MIL (also since moving in I have spent almost 2k getting new furnishings for our current home/his house that were needed).

I completely agree on the son which is why I suggested if he needed more space too giving him the office as playroom. The room he shares with MIL was not child friendly at all (floral curtains, historic photos on wall) I have since got him some paw patrols decor and got him to pick a bed spread so he feels it is his room and he loves it.

We would have more than enough space if the double bed for MIL wasn't required but let's see if we can navigate round this. Thank you!

You live in the house together, you both need space. You are willing to give up your space for the baby (your dressing room) and for your MIL and DSS to give up some of their space for the baby, so why are you so resistant to asking him to give up some of HIS space for the baby?

You're coming across as vey passive aggressive. It is absolutely fine to be insisting that there is space for the baby AND for you. But if the idea you had doesn't work, find a new idea instead of flouncing off. You and your Dp need to figure out a solution that works for both of you and both of you are going to have to compromise.

To clarify, I think you're out of order to insist on someone else moving out of their room for your stuff. I think that your DP needs to make some compromises with HIS stuff and HIS space.

Thanks, as a first time mum trying to create a space and excitement for my baby and after two miscarriages, that was super helpful

You're considering moving to a different house to live with your baby. That's ringing alarms bells. Like a pp said, most people would prioritise their relationship over an extra room, if the relationship is happy.

If a split is inevitable it will be easier to do now than with an x month old baby.

Thank you, don't mean to sound passive aggressive I'm just full of emotion at the minute and don't know what is right or wrong.

Had two miscarriage previously so just want to make this as perfect as possible and in my head trying to create a nursery so it seems real is that.

You haven't said what the layout of your house is like? Ideally you would want the nursery in the room next to you, and hopefully so that baby doesn't wake his son in the night. That's what I'd start with. I would also want to prioritise not touching the son's room at all - you don't want him thinking he's being ousted for the new baby.

Otherwise I would personally put baby in the office, with the third bedroom being guest/dressing/office room. Would it fit a double bed, along with some wardrobes for you and his mum?

It sounds like you all have way too much stuff if you need a playroom and a dressing room. It's a 4 bedroom house! One for you and partner, one for baby, one for DS, one for mother. I don't see why it isn't that simple?

Basically it is master and box room/dressing upstairs (which is why i have gone with change dressing to nursery) and MIL/Son rooms downstairs with office sort of on the back of living. It's a pretty odd layout.

I was concerned on moving around sons room which is why i suggested play room in office on back of living room so he doesn't feel like he has lost space, perhaps gained it. He stays one night a week but I still want to keep his space for him why utilising what we can. There would still be a single bed in his actual room (he is 4) so MIL welcome to stay in that whenever but i don't think a single is adequate this is the issue. It would just be that some wardrobes had gone into sons room that weren't currently there but it is fairly big with an ensuite.

Hope all of this makes sense, only stumbling block is keep the double bed/space for MIL, but he does have two siblings nearby but neither of them hold a room for her as they have two children also, so I guess I am just rightly or wrongly feeling frustrated.

This is crazy. of course the child's room will be used. I made a room for my child. It has now been in use for a quarter of a century. What are you talking about? the decor gets updated every 5 years or so, but a room is for ever, not just the early baby stage. much of the furniture i put in before birth is still there. Some of the painting on the wall dates back to colours chosen preschool. the lamp shade and curtains I chose when I was pregnant and the adult still likes them

Sell your home and his home, pay back his mother, and buy a jointly owned home before the baby arrives. Your partner's mother holds financial interest in his home, and it's clear you are never going to be on equal footing as long as you're in that house.

This is the conversation I raised with him last night as I think this may be the best option for us as a family! Thank you!

I second you sell both houses, return mother's money and buy something that works for your new family.

I think you need to work on your reading comprehension @combinationpadlock . Read my post again. None of what you've said is remotely relevant to what I actually posted.

yes it is, you are saying not to prepare a room for a coming baby - because it won't be used - which is ridiculous.

So your mil commands a bedroom and space in the master for her clothes and your partner isn't willing to budge on it.
Sorry, but I'd be packing up to go back to my own house fairly swiftly

Keep trying @combinationpadlock . You'll get there. A hint though - you need to read ALL the words in a post.

I suggest you will be divorced before long family is about accommodation and as you spouting if you don't get your own way you will move out. I'm guessing your mega high maintenance- you will never win against his mother.