Help, am I being out of order?

[Marygirl90]

Hey Guys,

I'm new here and just looking for some opinions/advice on a particular topic. I will give some background and information now and any weigh ins would be greatly appreciated.

I'm 34 and recently found I am expecting my first child with my boyfriend 42, he currently has a son 4 from a previous relationship, we live in a lovely 3.5 bed house, 3 bedrooms and an office room.

Our current set up is master bedroom being our bedroom, second size bedroom being son/his mothers room (decorated equally for both), followed by a dressing room for me and then an office. He has a room set up for his mum as she lives in Spain so stays with us when she is in UK, he is one of three brothers and he is the only one with a room for her.

Now finding out I am pregnant comes the space talk, where will things go, nursery etc. Being a first time mum a nursery is very important to me and something I have always planned and envisioned etc. I have said from get go I would sacrifice my dressing room for a nursery but I do have a lot of things so my partner questions where will it all go? I have came up with the solution that my dressing room becomes a nursery, the office gets used maybe 4/5 times a year so I have suggested that become part playroom for his son/part office and i reduce my belongings so some wardrobes and draws for me can fit in his sons room (his son spends one night a week with us). The only issue with this is there is a double bed in that room (for his mum when she visits) so it would mean getting rid of that to some sort of child's cabin bed to keep it as a room for his son/my wardrobes etc.

My partner was not keen on this idea as he is reluctant to lose a bed for his Mother, he has suggested keeping everything as it is and just putting a cot in our room, which I'm pretty upset about as having a room for our baby, a place to nurse etc is important.

His mum has a lump sum of money invested in the house so he uses this as she deserves a bed based on that. We are looking to purchase a bigger property in a couple years so I have said there will be a spare room back then for her but for now could she maybe lean on his siblings for space as we are also a growing family, he isn't convinced and reverts back to just creating a nursery in the corner of our room.

I have said my only priority is having space and comfort for our family and a bed, toy space for his son when he stays, but it seems his differs.

Am I being out of order for wanting to switch things around to accommodate a nursery over a bed for his Mother? I just cannot see the logic is cohabiting in one space when we are there 7 days a week and there will be a room that is used one day a week and perhaps 4 times a year. Opinions?

@Marygirl90 Can't you just have the wardrobes in the office? If it's big enough to be a play room surely it can accommodate your "stuff"? X

I have a folding desk in my spare room for wfh days. Folds flat like an ironing board when not in use. £40 in dunelm but amazon has them too. You say your partner doesn't want to lose his mums room, has anyone spoken to her? You said you get on well so have a chat, she might not even expect you to keep a room for her when baby arrives?

Honestly, I would not be selling my home with no say in the current house. The house either becomes your home or you move back to your house or sell both immediately.

I also had 2 miscarriages. I don’t think that’s a reason for wanting to make your mother in law uncomfortable or to create a nursery.

in reality, as most people have said, no one really uses a nursery. My son is 5 and still doesn’t use his bedroom. A playroom would have been a ridiculous waste of space because young kids just generally want to be where you are .

it sounds like you are prioritising belongings and material things over the actual humans in your life.

The mother in law owns part of the house , OP doesn’t …

The second largest room should go to the baby as he will be living there full time.

You wouldn’t believe it the way he’s being such a mummy’s boy.

His DS and baby-to-be should be accommodated first.

I’d leave his son’s room alone.

Presumably you don’t need to make any changes for at least a year as baby will be in for you for at least six months (although you don’t say how far along you are, other than finding a chest of drawers for their clothes etc and then you’re talking about moving in a couple of years anyway. So absolutely no need to ruin things with his son and mum.

Combine the dressing room and office in one room and give the baby the other. But they really don’t need an Instagram worthy nursery to start with.

Try this option:

Master bedroom - for use by you and DP only, move MIL clothes out and your clothes in, so no need for a dressing room.

Downstairs en-suite room - double ottoman/storage bed for MIL, plus wardrobe and/or drawers for her clothes. If you can fit a desk in as well that’s great, this room then just accommodates the “occasional” stuff.

Current office room - turn this into a cool room for SS. Build a cabin bed with drawers under and even storage up and over like a den/hideaway. He’ll love it. If it’s next to the living room then the bulk of his toys can be stored in there anyway and he can play happily between the 2 rooms.

Current dressing room - this becomes nursery for baby.

This way, everyone gets their own space. MIL stuff is contained to just one room, SS gets a room to himself, your clothes will be in the room you actually sleep in rather than dotted in other rooms all round the house, and you get a space to create a nursery for you baby, next door to your own room. Win win.

We have changed our previous office/dressing room into part nursery/part office still. Basically halved the desk size and moved into a corner, then other side of the room is nursery with a crib and combined dresser and changing table. Built in wardrobe is still our stuff currently. Once Bub is a couple of years old, this won’t work as well but we are hoping to have moved by then anyway. Would this work perhaps for any of the rooms?

This has probably been mentioned 100 times already but can’t you get rid of the office and use that as a nursery? Why does the nursery need to be in a larger room? Unless it’s a cupboard, I’m sure the baby wouldn’t mind!

His mum has paid into the house.

Why does the nursery need to be in a larger room? Unless it’s a cupboard, I’m sure the baby wouldn’t mind!

Babies tend to grow into children and teens..!

I’d just mash the dressing room and office.

and change MIL bed into a like ikea convertible couch in the office/dressing. Not there often enough to justify a room. Kiddo that’s only there once a week needs a room to feel Welcone, but the room can be multi use.

Just to illuminate how other people live (ie. us).

When the baby was born we had 2 bdr house but the baby stayed in our bedroom for the first 2 years, and DH and I took turns to sleep in the master bedroom or the guest room. Because our baby didn't sleep through until he was about 3yo, meaning we were all seriously sleep deprived. The baby has no use for their own room for ages.

Now we have 3bdr place of which one is the master, one kid's room and one office/guestroom/DH's man cave. No dressing room, play room or separate office AND guest room. My MIL stays with us 2 months per year and that's when DH moves his computer into our master, or living room. Our DS plays in the living room because he wants to be close to us and us to him, not sequester him into a separate artificial play area (and he already has his own room anyway).

I'm telling all this to highlight that you DON'T really need a separate room for each activity but can allocate space flexibly as required. That's how most people operate.

Possible options

• Sofa bed
• there are double cabin beds. I know lots of people where their kids sleep in double beds

This sounds like a really toxic environment.

You're about to have a baby but you're the one throwing the toys out of the pram.

@PosingPosture20 is absolutely right. You do not need a nursery at this stage. I, too, went through that fairytale stage where I was going to buy a nursing chair, specific matching furniture from Mamas & Papas and a tiny rail. If I had a huge house with excess money I may just do that if the situation arises in the future. The reality though, I bought no special furniture. I breastfed baby on my bed and 6 years later she's still in my bed! We have the spare room (her room) she doesn't sleep in it, never has. It contains a double bed for guests and it holds her clothes/ toys etc. The idea of a nursery is nice but it won't be used in that fashion.

I'm a single parent and I cannot imagine moving house from a supportive partner and taking my child away from living with her dad. Seems bizarre.

Leave the son's/ MIL's room as it is.

You downsize your clothing and fit that into your room. Get rid of excess wardrobes. Dressing room becomes nursery if you're that adamant.

MIL's clothes get packed into boxes and put into shed/ outbuilding your OH's office.

Living separately over a nursery is really extreme. People live in two vedroom flats with multiple kids and still make it work and have guests over. My friend has two boys and a baby girl and her partners dad comes from abroad to stay a few times a year, they have a two bed flat as saving for a house. You can make it work. Some questions I woukd ask are, 1. Could MIL have a single bed? Or small double? 2. Baby can sleep in your room for a year, maybe consider this? 3. Is there downstairs area that can act as a day nursery area? 4. Can you double up on room functionality? 5. Why cant you just put some of your and ML stuff in storage bags in the loft, clearly labelled in those vaccuum clothes bags and get out seasonally when needed? 6. I get the nursery thing, I did the same but it was a lof of expense actually and baby hardly slept in there. I think considering to move out iver space when you live in a 3.5 bed house already is madness and you will regret that decision over compromising about the nursery space.

If the office is only used for 4/5 times a year it needs to become a nursery. If mum is financially invested in the house she really does deserve a room.

Just use the office, surely it's big enough for a cot.

Hi
I don’t have any practical advice but just wanted to provide a supportive message.
Im not sure why so many posters aren’t understanding your position or feelings and are making such grand judgements and providing such unhelpful advice.

I have a toddler and one on the way, and totally understand your want/ need to make a space for the baby. With my first I just wanted to make a nice space for my daughter, a place i could breastfeed ( which i did use all the time), and one room where i could easily organise and store all of her stuff.

I am also on my second and we are now swapping my daughter into the bigger room ( ours is a 2.5 bedroom house), so that I can get my new borns stuff out/ organised and into my daughters room as well ( even though he will be sleeping in our room for probably 8ish months like my daughter did).

We are sacrificing a spare room double bed, and will probably just have some sort of storable/ pull out bed in the box room for guests, and that box room will now become the office ( I use it every day when I’m working).

My partner has been super supportive of all of these changes, even though I don’t think he was entirely sure it was necessary.
And he had spent the whole week painting the new kids room, putting up a wardrobe he said he didn’t think we needed, and helping my sand and paint a bit of furniture I wanted to paint green for the new kids room… again he said he thought it was a waste of time, but helped do it anyway because I said it was important to me to make a nice new space for daughter before her brother arrives. I guess all this is to say that he’s willingly gone along with things he doesn’t necessarily agree with/made sacrifices because he wants me to be happy/ comfortable as I’m going to be not getting much sleep/ breastfeeding constantly and physically recovering from a second birth once the new baby gets here.

Hopefully you can communicate that having a nursery space is important for you mentally, and that you and you OH can come with a solution to make that happen together.

Good luck!!

What’s your point? He impregnated two women.

Why does mummy’s investment trump his duty to the children he has created?

only after reading the first few replies I’m completely baffled. No one who lives abroad needs a bedroom at your house. 4 times a year? She could easily sleep on a pull out bed, or a single bed or partners DS. This home is going to be full time residence to ONE of these people, of course you should prioritise them over a double bed that gathers dust every year. And if she’s reasonable,
partners mum would wholly agree.

And the one lady saying that it’s ridiculous because her 5 year old doesn’t even use their bedroom 🥲.
Both my boys definitely were in their own rooms by 5, and also played with their toys in there when they wanted something quieter than the constant bustle of playing in the living room.
Your situation isn’t everyone else’s situation.

I think the problem here is that your MIL actually owns a proportion of the house. Are you named on the deeds too? It’s tricky really as it gives you less sway - even though you live there and she only visits - she technically owns the house with your partner.

short term - turn dressing room into baby room/nursery. Clothes go in main bedroom (May need extra wardrobe space?). Leave mil/sons room as it is. Office leave as it is (or put wardrobes in there for your clothes).

long term - buy a new house with partner and MIL gets her investment returned to her. Or she keeps investment in next purchase and has her own room in that house (agreed beforehand).