Help, am I being out of order?

[Marygirl90]

Hey Guys,

I'm new here and just looking for some opinions/advice on a particular topic. I will give some background and information now and any weigh ins would be greatly appreciated.

I'm 34 and recently found I am expecting my first child with my boyfriend 42, he currently has a son 4 from a previous relationship, we live in a lovely 3.5 bed house, 3 bedrooms and an office room.

Our current set up is master bedroom being our bedroom, second size bedroom being son/his mothers room (decorated equally for both), followed by a dressing room for me and then an office. He has a room set up for his mum as she lives in Spain so stays with us when she is in UK, he is one of three brothers and he is the only one with a room for her.

Now finding out I am pregnant comes the space talk, where will things go, nursery etc. Being a first time mum a nursery is very important to me and something I have always planned and envisioned etc. I have said from get go I would sacrifice my dressing room for a nursery but I do have a lot of things so my partner questions where will it all go? I have came up with the solution that my dressing room becomes a nursery, the office gets used maybe 4/5 times a year so I have suggested that become part playroom for his son/part office and i reduce my belongings so some wardrobes and draws for me can fit in his sons room (his son spends one night a week with us). The only issue with this is there is a double bed in that room (for his mum when she visits) so it would mean getting rid of that to some sort of child's cabin bed to keep it as a room for his son/my wardrobes etc.

My partner was not keen on this idea as he is reluctant to lose a bed for his Mother, he has suggested keeping everything as it is and just putting a cot in our room, which I'm pretty upset about as having a room for our baby, a place to nurse etc is important.

His mum has a lump sum of money invested in the house so he uses this as she deserves a bed based on that. We are looking to purchase a bigger property in a couple years so I have said there will be a spare room back then for her but for now could she maybe lean on his siblings for space as we are also a growing family, he isn't convinced and reverts back to just creating a nursery in the corner of our room.

I have said my only priority is having space and comfort for our family and a bed, toy space for his son when he stays, but it seems his differs.

Am I being out of order for wanting to switch things around to accommodate a nursery over a bed for his Mother? I just cannot see the logic is cohabiting in one space when we are there 7 days a week and there will be a room that is used one day a week and perhaps 4 times a year. Opinions?

Room 1 - master
room 2 - child/MIL
room 3 - nursery
room 4 - office/dressing room

unless one of you is in a job where you need loads of paperwork immediately around you, there is no need for an office space to be large and the same for a dressing room - why can you have most of the dressing room stuff in your bedroom and a few remaining bits shared with the office in small room 4?

seems plenty of space just needs rearranging that’s all

what’s your partners plan in 6 months when the baby moves into their own room? Where will all the baby stuff go?

Basically it is master and box room/dressing upstairs (which is why i have gone with change dressing to nursery) and MIL/Son rooms downstairs with office sort of on the back of living. It's a pretty odd layout.

Difficult layout.

But clearly the box room is on the same floor as the master, so between these two rooms they should contain all your stuff and all baby's stuff.
A full nursery is not necessary, but as well as a cot you will need a changing table for baby which doubles as storage for baby clothes and sundries.
All your clothes should be in your bedroom. MIL stuff goes elsewhere.
You should not tolerate having MIL possessions in your bedroom.

The son/MIL room is for your husband to sort out - what size bed, storage for son's toys, storage for MIL clothes, all in that room, and he sorts it. Just put MIL clothes there on the floor or bed or wherever and tell him to get on with it.

As the office is on the ground floor off the living room, that can also be used for over-spill of toys or general storage.

All this is temporary for about 18 months max until your baby needs their own bedroom. At that point, you and DH have to move.

Ring-fence the money from sale of your property. DON'T spend any more on furnishings or 'doing-up' the current property - these things should come out of your and DH current income.
If you spend that capital, you will sorely regret it. Put all the money away where it can't be touched for a year.

Could the desperate need for this nursery be anxiety related to your previous miscarriages? I was in a similar position, but my fixation was a pram and I think for me, it was the fact that I'd lost previous babies and that made me realise that pregnancy was out of my control but I could control the pram situation and control it I would!!

I'm sorry for your previous losses and I understand why you want this.

Could you move your MILS clothes out of your bedroom, pack them into vacuum bags and put them in the loft and get them down when she stays?

Also, if your selling your house, what are you doing with any money you get from that? If the MIL has a monetary interest in the house, where does that leave you in terms of the house being in your partners name, is the house in her name too?

I think most of the replies on this thread have been awful. I don’t think you are out of order at all, I think your partner needs to realise and accept that things need to change because, well, things are changing.

Don’t do a thing to the house. Keep everything as is.

What you need to do is speak to your partner about your lives moving forwards.

His life and situation is no longer the same. It is obvious he can no longer accomodate his mum in this way.

I’d be seeking an agreement from him to having his house put on the market with a view to being in a new home before the baby arrives. He gives his mum however much she has invested back, and she can buy a studio apartment nearby to store her clothes that are taking up all the space in the home//hang her historic photos and floral curtains/stay in when she visits. That allows you both to buy a 3/4 bedroom home, with adequate storage space and no obligation to anyone except to your stepson and your child. I wouldn’t commit to offering his mum a room in your new home, because you don’t want to find yourself in this exact same situation further down the line if you decide to have another child.

If he won’t agree to this, I’d be rethinking selling your home. If you do proceed with the sale, don’t spend any of the money on his home - keep it in an account, untouched. You and your baby will need it.

I completely agree on the son which is why I suggested if he needed more space too giving him the office as playroom. The room he shares with MIL was not child friendly at all (floral curtains, historic photos on wall) I have since got him some paw patrols decor and got him to pick a bed spread so he feels it is his room and he loves it.

I think it’s terrible that your stepson’s bedroom was decorated to his grandma’s tastes. It is HIS bedroom. Good for you for making the room more comfortable for the boy. He stays with his father once a week, your partner should be prioritising his son and his comfort over his mother’s. He really does need his own space with his own things. All children do.

It’s time for your partner to end his arrangement with his mum by repaying her what he owes as his circumstances have changed. It’s the only way forward.

Stop the sale of your own home if you can.

You need some space to reflect on your future existence.

For first 6 months baby should be in your room. Then you can see how things are. For example my 18 month old would never take to a cot and is still in my room now. We did set up a nursery but it was a complete waste of time and money as actually that didn’t work for our family. In the long run, 3.5 bedrooms should be ample space. But you are not seemingly a millionaire with loads of space so you sacrifice the dressing room if you insist on a nursery. I think the fact the MIL owns some of the property is a major factor, and you can’t very well get rid of her room because you want the luxury of a dressing room/playroom when you don’t have a house big enough for that.

You are not wrong in principle, but there is no need for such a stance immediately. Which is why I said to carry on with the sale of the house but immediately put the capital into a one-year saving where it can't be touched.

In a year's time, the dust may have settled, DH may be seeing sense, and then they can look into moving.

Trying to move home now when the baby is already on the way would be far too stressful.

Combine MIL with office as they are both occasional use.

How many weeks of the year is the second bedroom occupied by the son or mother?

keep your home. The fact his mum has a financial interest in the home is not good. What if she needs the money to pay for care?

Turn the office into a nursery. Babies don't need a lot of room.

Keep the double bed but get rid of the 4yo's bed - no reason he can't sleep in a double the 48 weeks of the year MIL isn't staying. Just get him a cool duvet cover for it. That frees up space for additional storage but I'd move MIL's things in there and have yours in the master. If you haven't already, get a bed with storage for your room, they free up tons of wardrobe space by moving out of season clothes into the drawers.

Then dressing room becomes nursery, and either 4yo can have a camp bed in there when MIL states, or he can set up a play tent in the living room and camp (given it is 1 night a week) or go in either you or MIL.

You don’t need a playroom, children won’t play in a room where no family is. Give the baby your dressing room or the office. store toys in the nursery and the lounge.

Then come up with clever storage solutions to combine your clothes/ office equipment.

Why don’t you turn one of the small rooms into the son/MIL room? If neither are hardly there they can just make the best of a small space.

make they nursery incl toy storage (incl sons toys)

then office room could fit wardrobes?

Honestly, he is prioritising his mother over you and your child. I'd go back to your own home, and enjoy your space. Things can change in the future, if he wants to marry and sell both your homes for a bigger shared one.

Wardrobes are maxed out in our room between my partners/his mothers clothes hence why he made me a dressing room.
Why are his mothers clothes in YOUR bedroom?? This whole set up sounds nuts. Surely she can bring clothes with her since she visits so infrequently. Your husband sounds enmeshed with his mother and it's gross he can't prioritse his child over someone who hardly is in the house.

Vacuum bags and get all her shit into the loft / storage and she can get it when she needs it. Your stuff goes in your room and you both downsize clothes if they don't fit.

So many simple solutions that don't seem to be considered because he's scared of upsetting mummy.. yak yak yak.

I’m baffled that other posters seem to think a double bed for your mil to use 4 times a year is more important than having a space for your baby!

I definitely think your original suggestion would work well. Dressing room becomes the nursery, current mil/son room has a single bed put in, in place of a double, creating more room for wardrobe storage, and the current office becomes part toy storage/playroom for son, with perhaps still an occasional desk.

i can’t understand why mil who visits a handful of times a year is having her sleeping arrangements prioritised over your baby! Granted baby will be in with you for the first 6 months, but the time will absolutely come when you’ll need an actual separate room for them, and I know I certainly enjoyed creating that space for them whilst I was pregnant.

I absolutely don’t think you’re being precious, or unreasonable in what you’re suggesting!

Take MIL's clothes out of your bedroom and de clutter so that both of your belongings fit in to the master.
Turn dressing room into nursery.
Turn office into MIL room with a pull out bed and wardrobe for her clothes.
Put office desk in son's room given son visits once a week and desk is used occasionally - it's unlikely both will be used at the same time.

I’m honestly baffled and confused by so many of the responses but then mumsnet never fails to amaze me! I think you are perfectly reasonable to want your child to have a bedroom, yes it will be with you for first 6 months or so but what then? Surely
you will just have the same issue then that you’re trying to cater for now?

It sounds like you’re living in his family’s house and don’t have much say in what goes. A baby isn’t going to share your room forever and it needn’t be an issue when you have 2.5 other rooms it could have. I don’t really see the issue with what you suggested either, you’ve given up your dressing room for a nursery, his mum’s clothes are already taking space in your room so you naturally need somewhere to put yours, wardrobes/drawers in son’s and mum’s bedroom sounds fine. It’s not like you’re getting rid of the bed completely there’ll still be a bed? I don’t know if I’m missing something and maybe I have misunderstood but wanted to let you know I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you and your baby to have space in what is supposedly your house!

I wouldn’t be putting your wardrobes in son’s room. Doesn’t seem fair. Change the office to your dressing room and your dressing room to nursery

I hear you while I did not have any miscarriages it did take 5 years for us to conceive so when it happened I just couldn’t put my feelings into words as I had reached the point where I just didn’t think it would happen. The nursery was more than just the babies room it was the realisation of something I believed would never happen. I did feed in the nursery first thing in morning and before bed in the evening as it was a quiet calm space. How do you accommodate DSS when MIL visits or is he not allowed to stay when she is there? If the office is not used very often can you not find a space downstairs to have a small desk and chair then use office as nursery? I would look at moving back to own home if DP cannot work with any of your solutions as it appears that he is not prepared to make any compromises.

Why does his mother need a double bed? A three foot single has plenty of room for one person.

Why on earth is his mother keeping clothes in your room - that's insane, get an ottoman style storage bed, and put all clothes etc not used regularly underneath it.

the state of this thread.

Can't his mother's clothes be boxed/bagged up and stored in loft/garage?

But I still can't believe you'd live separately over this - it's his baby too