How to deal with the shame of not working

[catphone]

I am autistic with hyper mobility and an auditory processing disorder and likely have CPTSD. I get stress induced migraines, stomach issues that cause me to faint and inflammation. My periods are extremely painful. I also get emotionally dysregulated regularly. My sleep is terrible and I am prone to burn out. I can usually just about manage the basics but anything more than that and I start to malfunction and my autistic symptoms become more pronounced. I need to live a very simple life with next to no stress (which isn’t realistic). This year I want to focus on my mental wellbeing. I don’t know if I’ve just been through too much in life to ever work.
I volunteer online but even that is too much. If I had any sort of job I would burn out.
I know that everyone has problems but I don’t know how I could work. I feel ashamed that I can’t. I don’t know if I’m making excuses because others seem to manage somehow.
I’ve had judgement from well meaning neighbours who are otherwise very nice that I don’t work and how I must have a lot of spare time. Another person (unrelated) said my whole life is spare time.He had a suspected heart attack the other month, collapsed, and it turned out to be something else but he was still back to work shortly after spending days in hospital. I see what he’s saying but he doesn’t know that my life is a bit like living with an illness most of the time. I’m not sure how realistic this is but I’m worried I will have to work at some point because of the unsustainable rise in autism cases and they might make it impossible to claim for if most people have it. I have terrible anxiety about this in particular it feels like it’s just a matter of time and I feel a sense of doom

Good call. Just report the bigots instead of trying to defend yourself from their accusations.

Excellent points about how the disabled are used as scapegoats.

However, the comment about doubting OP's sincerity was unnecessary and you had to know it would be inflammatory.

Yeah cos of the stress of that persons comments on this thread I didn’t eat enough today because I didn’t think to and almost collapsed. When I say I lose my ability to function when I get stressed I meant it.

Maybe you should take a break from the internet if dumb trollass comments affect you so strongly.
They roll right off my back so I can't really relate to being that disturbed over them, but I understand that many people are. The internet is full of blowhards and weirdos. It's best to develop a thick skin if you possibly can.

Yeah cos of the stress of that persons comments on this thread I didn’t eat enough today because I didn’t think to and almost collapsed. When I say I lose my ability to function when I get stressed I meant it.

@catphone, I can understand you getting pre-occupied concerning the harsh comments on this thread. I'm guessing it's to do with hyper focus and not being able to easily mentally switch off from things that have disturbed you. Maybe you could discuss ways of coping with this issue with the professionals you work with. Personally, with myself and with those I know, I think exercise can help. I think it helps the body process all those stress hormones circulating around the system. Plus keep reminding yourself that people will make erroneous comments as part of normal everyday life. They are simply wrong. Nothing to do with anything you do or don't do. Practice doing a big old shrug of the shoulders to remind yourself of that fact if it helps.😉

Quoting failed, replying to @LadyKenya.

There is enough money to go round, if the UK was to have to go to war right now, you better believe that the money will be there. The message has been put out loud, and clear about there not being enough money because of disabled people, some people with poor mental health not working, blah blah blah. The disabled are just low hanging fruit to place the blame on, for certain ills, in this Country.

Absolutely. Successive govts have shat millions and billions in money down the toilet. Off the top of my head: PFI, HS2, and the prison hulk Bibby Stockholm. To claim that the disability benefits bill is unaffordable when this colossal govt waste remains ongoing is like complaining that the cat is ruining the house by scratching the sofa when the whole house is on fire. And to shame disabled people for claiming these benefits is like kicking the cat whilst ignoring both the fire and the arsonist who is running away with the empty petrol can still in his hand.

Absolutely! The people at the bottom get blamed. People on benefits are on them because of the system that allows them to claim, yet they get blamed for being on them.
I do think OP has had a bit of a hard time here because the thread showed up on 'Active', and some people just plough in with their views with no consideration as to what board the post was actually on.

I had a life in the past where I was earning well, pretty successful quite young and high tax contributions. My friends the same.
Life changed dramatically and unexpectedly and I have suffered quite significantly ( no pity party but true). I feel people who know me and have known me a while and have seen all I've endured would and could judge me on any support I may get. I can sense it. Even half dead I think I'd be judged.

So it's absolutely no one's business and the details and specifics I would discuss with no one.

With your neighbours it's the same. You have to do what you need to do to keep yourself as healthy as possible and protect any financial support you can get. So stop today asking anyone if it's bad or shameful because they'll convince you to get out and work when you clearly have pretty significant barriers right now meaning you can't. I don't care if you jogged round the block last week. Right now, you are not fit for work and you're building up to a time where maybe you will in some capacity.

You have nothing to feel shame about. But you have got to keep this part of your life private from neighbours and even here people will not be saying things in your best interests.

It's like someone struggling with their weight asking if they are too overweight. Because people are nasty and so bitter about their life there will be so many who will actually enjoy telling someone they are overweight and will revel in their insecurity about it.

Fight for what you are entitled to. Don't tell anyone who doesn't need to know. Anyone asks, then say you volunteer or you're building up your business. Then you change subject quickly.

I am as entitled as anybody here to post my thoughts, and feelings. I have already said that I will not go into it all, but I will be honest in my opinion, whether anyone agrees with it, or not.

You’re so not alone - there are loads of comments from people going through the same on this video, just like on this thread.

OP if this thread genuinely made you nearly collapse, why wouldn't you step away from it? Why are you choosing to read the comments which are making you 'not eat' leading you to nearly collapsing?

You have a bit of autonomy here. Step away from the thread. Rather than keep on reading then posting that it's making you nearly collapse.

Yeah cos of the stress of that persons comments on this thread I didn’t eat enough today because I didn’t think to and almost collapsed. When I say I lose my ability to function when I get stressed I meant it.

I hope you are still able to feed your child OP!!! If its too much- then step away from this thread for a while.

@LadyKenya This is an example, someone is entitled to come up to you and say something offensive about you, or say it to other people, but that doesn’t mean that they should even if they think that it’s true or that’s their opinion. This isn’t school so you should know better. sometimes you should keep opinions to yourself.

@OriginalUsername2 I’ll watch the video soon. It feels better to be accepted by others but it will still take some time and processing to accept myself more I’m still in two minds about it but at least I know it’s a bad idea to beat myself up about it
@BigMingeEnergy what a nasty username. My issues with feeding myself are to do with interception. When stressed it’s harder for me to know when I should be eating or I lose track of time. I don’t really feel grounded or “there”. I only realise then when I start to feel a bit dizzy, but I cook a few times a week and keep food in containers and microwave them.

finally I thought I’d “out” whoever this person is that’s reacted to my comment

Just put the phone down if it's causing you so much stress!

@catphone I am in no way saying that you are well enough for work currently or anything like that, but you do need to take responsibility if you are finding this upsetting. Not everyone is going to understand everything, not everyone will agree with what you're saying. You can hide the thread and I suggest that you do.

@catphone don't spend any time worrying about the negative comments on here. I reread the thread today and it really came across to me how vicious some of the responses are. It's ableism plain and simple. It often stems from ignorance and fear whipped up by the mass media that they will lose services themselves (which is hypocritical!). It obviously is not right or justified, especially in your case as rigorous assessments have been made in order for your much needed support to be funded. You have many professionals involved who are all accountable have to ensure the support you receive is entirely above board. I hope these posters will see that themselves in the cold light of day.

Of course you have the right. I just think it's passive aggressive to allude to it and not elaborate, because OP has no way of defending herself if somebody makes a negative comment but refuses to explain what it's about.
Look, this is nothing personal, but I would not call that being particularly honest. It comes across more as a sneaky way to stick the needle in while avoiding being challenged for it. Apologies if that was not your intent. That's how it looks though.

@Uricon2, I think the op is taking responsibility to the best of her abilities. She has been away from the thread for a number of hours.

Plus you have to consider how able she is to respond by coming away from the thread. Who does when they know they are being discussed? It involves a lot of self control! And the op's additional needs do involve (as detailed upthread) difficulty with self regulation. Plus she has described her difficulties with hyper focus making it difficult for her to switch off from something that she is pre-occupied with.

So the op, to give her credit, I think, has done remarkably well, in spite of her difficulties. I think some apologies are due!

Ok, fair enough, if that is how you see it. I am not trying to add to the OP's distress, so it is better to leave it there.

I exercise by advice of a physiotherapist
I walk so I don’t get really fat and develop more health issues
I volunteer for 1 and a half hours a MONTH
I have limited spoons and spend about an hour or less a day on hobbies.
my “luxurious lifestyle” is being in physical pain and mentally exhausted.
edited by MNHQ on the poster's behalf to remove a sentence she had regrets about posting

@catphone Just report these attacks. Don't make references to "outing" people as that comes across as threatening and could get you banned. I know the hateful bigotry you're getting is vicious, but please don't lose your dignity by stooping to their level.
I suggest you edit that last comment out of your post (the one about a desire to out the person) if you still can. Or ask MN to edit it if you've missed the edit window.

Reported. You can get angry at me and everyone else on this thread for criticizing your weak arguments, or you can channel your feelings into actually making changes in your life that will stop you from digging a deeper and deeper hole for yourself.

Your choice, and at the end of the day you’re the one who has to live with the shame and lack of self worth. No one on here knows you from Adam.

I think people are under the impression that I can do a lot more than I can so they’re angry because they think I have the energy to work if I just stopped having a hobby or exercising. But I need a lot of breaks, it takes me longer to do things, and I can’t manage much in a day. I often go to bed during the day as well