How to deal with the shame of not working

[catphone]

I am autistic with hyper mobility and an auditory processing disorder and likely have CPTSD. I get stress induced migraines, stomach issues that cause me to faint and inflammation. My periods are extremely painful. I also get emotionally dysregulated regularly. My sleep is terrible and I am prone to burn out. I can usually just about manage the basics but anything more than that and I start to malfunction and my autistic symptoms become more pronounced. I need to live a very simple life with next to no stress (which isn’t realistic). This year I want to focus on my mental wellbeing. I don’t know if I’ve just been through too much in life to ever work.
I volunteer online but even that is too much. If I had any sort of job I would burn out.
I know that everyone has problems but I don’t know how I could work. I feel ashamed that I can’t. I don’t know if I’m making excuses because others seem to manage somehow.
I’ve had judgement from well meaning neighbours who are otherwise very nice that I don’t work and how I must have a lot of spare time. Another person (unrelated) said my whole life is spare time.He had a suspected heart attack the other month, collapsed, and it turned out to be something else but he was still back to work shortly after spending days in hospital. I see what he’s saying but he doesn’t know that my life is a bit like living with an illness most of the time. I’m not sure how realistic this is but I’m worried I will have to work at some point because of the unsustainable rise in autism cases and they might make it impossible to claim for if most people have it. I have terrible anxiety about this in particular it feels like it’s just a matter of time and I feel a sense of doom

Unless you’re one of people responsible for my benefit award or involved in my care (which you’re not) I didn’t ask your opinion on wether or not you think I should be working

I hope that mumsnet reports you for ableism

Reported to who??

You have no idea what the OP can or can’t do.
You have no idea if she can make changes or whether those changes will actually allow her to do more or rather if making any change will make her worse.
If you think you can ‘evaluate’ people’s abilities and capabilities to do anything from a few words on this thread, you’re simply deluded tbh.

It is nothing new on MN. People get told they can go get a job because they can post on an internet forum.

Because typing short posts on a forum is exactly the same as writing technical reports or emailing customers.

No, it's not.

Exactly.
I was told on a similar thread about being ND and not working, that I could get a simple WFH job answering emails because I can post on MN. I am pretty certain AI is doing that now anyway.
No one could say where these jobs were though.

Nasty username?

You really are trying to get offended at everything aren't you OP.
It's a pisstake song on tiktok written and performed by an elderly woman as a skit.

I'd suggest touching some grass.

@catphone But you say in your very first post that you feel ashamed you’re not working so maybe you feel you should be? Really not sure what the point of this thread is. I feel your posts are inviting opinions so if you don’t like to hear them it might be prudent to stop responding.

OP I haven't read the whole thread but I have read your posts.

I just wanted to come on as a Mum and as an educational psychologist to say, you aren't alone. I have a neice (28) and a son (25) who have very similar issues to those you describe. Both are very intelligent and knowledgeable people who just find life extremely difficult. Both are unable to work, though my niece has recently begun to volunteer a couple of hours a week which j am very proud of her for.

There are many people who don't understand how autism hypersensitivities, processing issues, executive functioning deficits and sever social anxieties can absolutely prevent a person from managing to work even though they theoretically could.

My son had a full breakdown when he tried university - his grandmother had thought he was bright enough for Oxbridge, but we tried a fault local uni. It nearly killed him. He spent 2 years under the covers in a dark bedroom. 6 years later and he now leaves the house alone to pop to a local shop and goes climbing with his career once a week. He is incredibly clever and totally unable to manage his life. He didn't eat or wash when he was left to his own devices. Heck, recently he was desperate to try D and D and I found a local group - he so wanted to go - and spent the 2 hours we stayed whimpering quietly and literally shaking while trying so hard to take part. People who think the only severe autism is the non verbal and learning disabilities type just don't get it, and never will.

Now from my pov I am incredibly proud of the young people in my life. They are not giving up. My niece has transformed her ability to manage since she had a social care assessment, she pays for a career twice a week who helps her with household tasks, shopping etc. My son is a few years younger but very close to his cousin and I live in hope that one day he will be able to manage like she does. Whether or not they ever manage paid work does not matter one iota, and neither should it to you, and it's nobody else's business. You get disability benefits because you are disabled. That doesn't mean you will never be able to work, who knows? Just keep on keeping on.

I have other autistic family members who find their comfort in working. Everyone is different.

When the autistic youngsters in my life wonder about their validity I like to quote Desiderata to them - "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars: you have a right to be here".

Sorry about the typos and autocorrects....too late for me to edit of course.

He cycles with his carer.
We tried a fairly local university
My niece pays for a carer twice a week.

I'm guessing person who wrote that doesn't work so they assign no value to having a job and working for a living. If you dare to question why is someone not working you are being called an ableist. Oh BTW I have autism and ADHD worked full time since turning 18

Agree. The delusional amount of self-importance some people have is truly astounding, isn't it.

But it is ableist to say "I have xyz, so you can work too".

Your issues affect you in a way that you are still able to work. For OP, she may have have the same labels but they affect her in a way that she is not able to work. That is not something she has decided. That has been decided by the professionals involved in her care, and the DWP.

It 100% is abelism to say that a person who is on disability should be working or could work. You have to be severely impaired to get it, FFS. So what if you can work? Bully for you. Your life has no relevance to anyone else's.
Ableism is no better than racism or sexism. They are all morally repugnant forms of bigotry.

Bully for you.

My father is autistic, he is 82 and still works 7 days a week (special interest niche field).
My sister is autistic and works full time at almost 60.
My autistic son and niece are impacted differently by their autism and are currently unable to work.
I would have thought an actually autistic person would understand that not everyone's autism impacts them the same.

I know some people with cerebral palsy - like Rosie Jones and RJ Mitte - are able to walk and work and communicate well, and I know some people with cerebral palsy are in electric wheelchairs using eye point technology to communicate. The ones using eye pointers don't just need to try harder to walk and talk, you know....

And??
You should know very well that not every person who is ND is affected the same way. That’s why it’s a spectrum.
The fact you can do something says nothing at all about the potential abilities of others.

Don't feel any shame OP and don't ever feel the need to justify yourself to strangers and their small minded comment's.

I think the sad thing is by prejudicially berating someone so harshly as to why they don't work it influences their focus to defending why they can't work.

This does not help healing, or help see how any challenges can be overcome or managed, how any abilities can be developed. What is more if any developing ability is used as a stick to beat the person in question with then it installs fear that support will be taken away if any level emerging ability is practiced/developed/pursued.

So then some people will stay stuck. They are put in a catch 22 position if they let prejudice of others affect them. Stay with a way of life which is not fulfilling them or risk being left out in the cold with no support.

It is unfortunate that some additional needs leave people very vulnerable to attack as they are likely to hyperfocus on that harsh criticism to the exclusion of all else, damaging their mental and physical health.

Wow thanks for deleting my post of my trauma and abuse and horrible experiences just because I told someone to f off.

@eyestosee thats also true if our benefit system.
So many disabled people live in fear of being reported/DWP suddenly deciding they can do more because <insert reasons based on prejudices seen in this thread>
It also means people are wary of trying to work because they might well loose the little they have and not get it back

Internet forums are depressingly full of people claiming to be autistic who will relentlessly insist that any autistic person with higher support needs and/or learning disabilities must just be ‘making excuses’ or making it up, and giving proper autistic people a bad name. It’s either an extreme lack of theory of mind / inability to recognise anyone’s experience that differs from their own as valid or plausible, or they’re just nasty bullies doing it for fun.