How to deal with the shame of not working

[catphone]

I am autistic with hyper mobility and an auditory processing disorder and likely have CPTSD. I get stress induced migraines, stomach issues that cause me to faint and inflammation. My periods are extremely painful. I also get emotionally dysregulated regularly. My sleep is terrible and I am prone to burn out. I can usually just about manage the basics but anything more than that and I start to malfunction and my autistic symptoms become more pronounced. I need to live a very simple life with next to no stress (which isn’t realistic). This year I want to focus on my mental wellbeing. I don’t know if I’ve just been through too much in life to ever work.
I volunteer online but even that is too much. If I had any sort of job I would burn out.
I know that everyone has problems but I don’t know how I could work. I feel ashamed that I can’t. I don’t know if I’m making excuses because others seem to manage somehow.
I’ve had judgement from well meaning neighbours who are otherwise very nice that I don’t work and how I must have a lot of spare time. Another person (unrelated) said my whole life is spare time.He had a suspected heart attack the other month, collapsed, and it turned out to be something else but he was still back to work shortly after spending days in hospital. I see what he’s saying but he doesn’t know that my life is a bit like living with an illness most of the time. I’m not sure how realistic this is but I’m worried I will have to work at some point because of the unsustainable rise in autism cases and they might make it impossible to claim for if most people have it. I have terrible anxiety about this in particular it feels like it’s just a matter of time and I feel a sense of doom

For example, you say in your first post that you have CPTSD - I do too and I have reports written by the NHS psychiatrist that I saw and by the private counsellor - you're going to need something like that if you are going to tribunal with CPTSD as one of your conditions that you are claiming PIP for.

And you may well find that you do have to pay for that from your PIP because the waiting times on the NHS for many interventions are horrific.

My social worker knows about the art therapy I do from YouTube videos so I can show her my progress which I keep track of. I also have a workbook about art therapy. I read a chapter once a week. She offered to help me with the tribunal.
you had a good suggestion if I had the funds but paying for art therapy isn’t a priority right now I need my money for other things

This is not how it works. £23 million in unclaimed benefits in 2024 alone. Do you seriously think some people are turned down for benefits because they ran out?

😆

I did not call you a burden and neither did I say you should be working. I think you are trying ti twist things so I am not going to engage with you anymore

This means that the ones who most need it most can’t get their fair share of it.

No one disabled gets "their fair share" of disability benefits. Disability benefits are already woefully lower than they should be.

That wouldn't miraculously change if the less severely disabled were stripped of benefits.

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@BeckyAMumsnet

Yes, I’m also going to stop responding to upsetting comments especially since I have already clarified everything and given too much information about myself already.

those who are really in need

There is a Govt scheme called "Access For Work". I don't get PIP, never tried to claim it, but I do get AFW workplace support to the tune of about £3k this year. By the time you factor that against the taxes I pay, I'm a slight consumer of Govt money because I earn £42-43k.

How do you feel about that?

If your gut reaction was "that's OK because you're working", then you're a hypocrite and have contradicted yourself. By definition, someone who can work with AFW support isn't "really in need" (your words) of State benefits because they can work, albeit with support. Therefore, the money that supports me should be rediverted to support people with missing limbs (or whatever your personal standard of "really in need" is). The fact that I would lose my job and hence my house, have to have my beloved CatOfHate euthanised or rehomed because I wouldn't be able to house or feed him, etc is irrelevant to that because I'm not "really in need" and therefore shouldn't get any money because of being autistic.

When people using the "you should suck it up and work anyway" rhetoric about hidden disabilities hear that I'm on AFW and say "that's different, you're working", I know straight away that I am actually dealing with someone who is just jealous that someone else isn't being forced to work. I know that "the country can't afford it" and similar arguments are just a figleaf for their jealousy. I know thus because these people are A-OK with the Govt spending money on me as long as it's solely to enable me to join them in wage slavery.

£50 to Rape Crisis says that "that's OK because you're working" is exactly what you thought.

AFW is available even for minimum wage jobs BTW, so some recipients are very much net consumers of Govt money.

You’ve assumed a lot about me on your post and none of it is true. But oh well

Interesting that you have stalked my previous comments which have nothing to do this with post. I seem to remember you didn’t like someone doing the same thing to you.

I've read all your previous comments on this thread and made inferences based on them and my own experience.

I think your own experience has coloured your opinion here but I know you won’t agree with me

@BeckyAMumsnet great to see this intervention.

And @eyestosee you're right. Your posts are very true and calling it out from what I see.

I have no idea if this is a fake post but in the hope it isn't, it's so incomprehensible to people how another person may suffer unless you're in their body. When things are not written on a body or signs showing it clearly and demonstrably, the go to is so often ' just try a bit harder ', ' my friends Autistic and they do great'.

The Daily Fail, the media, those awful TV programmes 'don't pay we'll take it away' have successfully demonised the disabled and the poor to the extent that hard working people get angry thinking malingerers are taking their hard earned tax.

I'm more concerned about the dubious dealings of the RF and how they're fleecing ones hard earned cash. No one wants to do that though which miffs me. I'll keep that to the RF threads anyway much to their absolute annoyance on there I'm sure 😆.

I've taken some notes. I've taken the advice not to beat myself up about what I can't manage or do just now, and the suggestions on ways to improve my wellbeing. I can't work now but I may be able to in the future. I'm especially thankful to those who were also positive and encouraging, I feel much better about myself and my situation.
The thread has attracted a lot of people who have ableist opinions and aren't very nice to say the least, and mumsnet staff have had to delete a lot of comments. I will probably continue posting through another username about less sensitive topics and be more careful about the information I give about myself online in the future.

I've taken some notes. I've taken the advice not to beat myself up about what I can't manage or do just now, and the suggestions on ways to improve my wellbeing. I can't work now but I may be able to in the future. I'm especially thankful to those who were also positive and encouraging, I feel much better about myself and my situation.

@catphone, an excellent outcome! 👏 😊 and along with other posters who have offered advice and encouragement I for one can wholeheartedly say, you are very welcome!

The thread has attracted a lot of people who have ableist opinions and aren't very nice to say the least, and mumsnet staff have had to delete a lot of comments.

Hopefully, people will have time to reflect on some, perhaps deep seated, views, and see them for exactly what they are - prejudice. Sometimes it is only when things out brought out in the open that these prejudices can be tackled. I'm sorry you were caught in the crossfire but please don't take it to heart.

If you are on FaceBook, then I highly recommend the page 'Positively DBT - BPD, Autism, ADHD Peer Support' (I hope that is allowed).
The lady who runs it is also unable to work, but she posts about things she has done, and what sort of skills she learned in therapy to manage it. Things like days out, and having to rest after. Or how to manage the anxiety about an upcoming appointment. She sometimes posts about the shame of not working too.
She has built up a nice little community of people with various ND/MH issues, and it is very supportive.

That wasn't what I asked. I asked what gives you the ability and authority to make judgements on the capabilities of others, particularly people you have never even met.

I can answer it for you since you seem reluctant. The answer is nothing. You have no credentials, no authority, no knowledge and no insight into what others are capable of or not capable of.
So naturally your opinion also counts for nothing. You absolutely do have every right to post it. Equally, I have every right to tell you it's completely irrelevant and carries no weight whatsoever. Have a nice day.

I hope I makes you feel better

It's odd that even in a supposedly civil society with human rights protections this kind of bigotry remains socially acceptable enough that people have no qualms about spouting their ignorant, hateful rhetoric about the disabled. It shows how much work needs to be done to protect the rights of the disabled.