I gave up the school run and I feel Amazing but MIL thinks I’m lazy

[Feelsomuchbetter]

I have ASD and ADHD . I struggle a lot. The school run has been hell for me. Dh drives past the school on his way to work so 3 months ago I asked him to please take the dc instead of me doing it. He was previously leaving 10 mins before we had to now he drops dc at breakfast club a bit earlier.

I feel SO much better. I’ve been able to wean myself off AD and I’m not mentally ruined by 9 am . MIL has been saying it’s not fair on dh !!!! That he should have a calm drive to work not stopping off at all ?? Dh is fine to do it he doesn’t mind, hasn’t complained .

Do you think it would be helpful for your daughter's husband to have a complete breakdown though and leave her to everything, rather than cutting back on one thing and making both of their lives easier ( his not doing school run, her not having to cope with a DH not coping with the school run)? Do you think the stress he feels doing it might be worse on the kids emotionally than an extra 30 minutes in class? I get being concerned but it isn't black and white. Better for your child is the whole house being better not just her doing as little as she can.

THIS
If you aren't working, I think you should be doing the school runs

I can understand why she feels maybe its a little unbalanced if her son is working full time and now doing all the drop off and pick ups as that’s the benefit of a SAHM that she can pick up the school run. I’ve been doing the school run for 25yrs, and i’d love to stop, but right now I can’t. People will judge you for it, so best you keep the arrangements to yourselves if you don’t want any comments made.

MIL should mind her own business and piss off.

THIS
I'm sure I will be accused of being insensitive but what would you do if your husband wasn't around. I've been in dire situations where I didn't want to get out of bed but I had to, no other choice but to get on with it.
I appreciate that partnerships are about sharing and caring but I do think your husband is dealing with a hugely disproportionate share of childcare.

I don't think you are lazy and I empathize (my own MH continues to be fragile) however, avoiding stuff is not always the solution - instead ,having coping mechanisms .
Have you had any therapy / does medication help?
All the best - volunteering is extremely valuable

I'm speaking generally. I've lived with someone with life limiting MH issues and it can be a tough road to travel. Obviously it's better for the well person to take on some additional burdens than for the whole family to collapse, but that doesn't mean the well person will never be struggling or overwhelmed. There's precious little sympathy left over for a partner of a person who is ill, and if their own mother can't look out for them, I'm not sure who will. I don't know enough about OPs situation to comment specifically on who should do what. I'm making a general point about why her MiL may be concerned for her son.

I'm autistic too and can't see why your MIL should shut up.
Different people, different opinions.
Yes, life can be a struggle. Wow.

Sorry, quoted you by mistake 😁

MIL has been saying it’s not fair on dh !!!!

Who has she been saying this to - you or him? I don't think she should be saying anything to you but I can't see anything particularly wrong with her being concerned, or even expressing concern to your husband privately. He IS her son, after all.

I'm surprised that it didn't occur to you the situation might be perceived as unfair. It might be necessary for the time being to divvy up the allocation of childcare in this way but do you actually think it's "fair" yourself, OP? I struggle to see how anyone would think it was fair - as opposed to a necessary evil for a particular period of time.

I was wondering 😂

Mil needs to butt out. Nothing to do with her.

It doesn't make the slightest difference. If it works for them all, it makes no difference whether she works or not.

Well done on finding a solution that works for your family. It doesn't sound especially onerous on your husband but has a great effect on you and probably your family (if you are less stressed and better under control that makes the atmosphere easier too).

Keep going with the volunteering, it is vital work, and it can help you as well.

edit to add - ignore your MIL’s opinion, it has nothing to do with her. This works for your and your family.

One less car on the roads in the morning. Wish it was more but one step at a time.

I would start on the mother-in-law, start pointing out all the various ways that I think she's being lazy etc.
Why does her opinion matter to you?

OP ignore people who think you're lazy / don't get it. As a working LP I found the school run hellish so this year I have been delighted to give it up as my DD has gone to secondary - on the bus. For me it used to be around 50 minutes there and back - so twice a day is coming up for 1.75 hrs of rushing around (walking) across busy roads, plus the pre-school get ready on top - not to mention the exhaustion afterwards. And now I help DD in the mornings get ready then she leaves and I often go back to bed! It is sheer bliss. I now also have the energy (as not wiped out from the exhaustion) to go for a walk where and when I want to - to the park or somewhere nice not the horrid traffic busy roads with a kid who is constantly banging into you as they walk in wavy lines. 7 years was enough to drive me to almost insanity!! Thank god it's over.

Oh bless his heart. He’s driving to work with his children in the car instead of on his own. I fail to see how that is “doing a lot” 😂.

I suppose she she’s that your husband is dropping kids at school then going to do a full day of work, picking up kids again, while you have all day to yourself.

It’s only a matter between you and your husband. If he can manage, that’s all that matters. Furthermore, your children are his too! So it’s not like he’s doing some special thing. Hopefully you can share school events and appointments. That shouldn’t just be on him..or you.

Why are some pp being horrible to the op?
She absolutely does not have to justify why she doesn't work. The fact she's been awarded pip is a pretty clear indicator that there's a health issue.
Good for you op finding a solution that suits your whole family. Your dh must be pleased that you feel so much better.

I'm glad to see all the people laying into the OP are using their time productively - being horrible to others on MN. (sarcastic)

People calling OP lazy:

Read. Up. On. Autism. And. ADHD. In. Women.