I gave up the school run and I feel Amazing but MIL thinks I’m lazy

[Feelsomuchbetter]

I have ASD and ADHD . I struggle a lot. The school run has been hell for me. Dh drives past the school on his way to work so 3 months ago I asked him to please take the dc instead of me doing it. He was previously leaving 10 mins before we had to now he drops dc at breakfast club a bit earlier.

I feel SO much better. I’ve been able to wean myself off AD and I’m not mentally ruined by 9 am . MIL has been saying it’s not fair on dh !!!! That he should have a calm drive to work not stopping off at all ?? Dh is fine to do it he doesn’t mind, hasn’t complained .

I suppose it makes more sense in the context of you not working. It is extra stress on your husband even if he says he doesn't mind. Maybe in the future you can split it a few days each?

Why are kids in after school Id you're not working? Does Mil understand your conditions. Not that you owe her an explanation but they obviously have a significant impact on your life so might help her with contex

I got obsessed with preparing for the morning so put a lot of pressure on myself , wrote lists got 5 sets of everything, labelled drawers etc but still felt stressed. I have a fear of being late so I was getting up early to get myself totally ready and just had a sense of panic ?

The actual walk itself is 20 mins and it’s busy and noisy and I felt very stressed. The school is so busy too and crowded I really felt like it was too much . I’d not be able to manage to eat beforehand due to anxiety but then would feel hungry and nauseous .

Id get home and feel exhausted. It was the same with pick up it was just like I was planning my day round drop off and pick up? I wasn’t sleeping well due to it. Now I feel fine each morning and can help to get the dc ready and have none of the stress so I feel a lot better.

MIL needs to get back in her box and leave the two of you to operate your own household. It makes perfect sense for your DH to drop them off on the way to work. All successful marriages involve playing to the relative strengths of each spouse, it's a highly personal and ongoing process of give and take. The last thing it needs is an external busybody inserting herself into decisions that are none of her business. I would be very blunt with her about this.

Do you lie in bed instead of helping in the mornings? Maybe that’s why she thinks you’re lazy.

I’m not commenting on what you should or shouldn’t be doing, nor do I think it’s your MIL’s business, I’m just offering a view.

No I get up as normal make breakfast help dc get ready etc

Ask mil why her ds shouldn't enjoy taking his own dc to school.... He isn't dropping them off at a bloody mine shaft...

I expect as his mother she’s worried about her son, it’s none of her business but i suppose she worries he’s doing a lot more than his share within the house and being the only breadwinner.

And what you are doing is helping other people, which is very worthwhile, as well as raising your family.

Maybe you could pick up a chore he normally does that is within your comfort zone. Not for your MILs sake but just to be fair on your DH, even if he doesn’t mind it would still be the fair thing to do? I also have AuDHD as well so I get it.

Then I hope you’re getting help for your severe anxiety and OCD. That’s more important than whether someone thinks you’re lazy. Presumably you can see her POV, though. Your DH is her child. She doesn’t get why the non-working parent with no time constraints can’t walk her children to their nearby school, rather than the working parent having to leave earlier and the children go to breakfast club because that parent has to get to work.

I think it's somewhat understandable she wonders what you are contributing. Her maternal instinct for her sons best interests doesn't just die when he grows up.

I work full time and my MIL (who was a stay at home mum) wonders why I have a nanny or a cleaner and why my husband has to do any childcare at all, or ever miss work.

If she didn't work and raised children she was probably used to doing the entirety of that on her own and so (medical issues which she likely doesn't understand aside) why can't you.

I don’t see the point in a 40 minute round walking trip if he could drive but I do think you need to work.

Another vote for your MIL minding her business 😂

You look after you. Who cares what mil thinks. She can F?!l off really!!

Oh I'm with you all the way op and I don't have ADHD, I just loathed the school run.

I have ADHD and totally get it! It's none of her business. I have similar with mine and the washing up. DH does it, I do plenty of other things but she makes passive aggressive comments about it being "left for him" 🙄

I honestly would feel worried/concerned/anxious if my sons wife couldn’t work and couldn’t do the school run. I would feel concerned about what else you were going to stop doing and the pressure on my son and if my grandchildren were OK because they are now spending less time at home with a parent and instead at breakfast and after school club because their parent can’t cope with a school run.
I would probably catastrophise it a bit to be honest. My mind would start saying my DIL will withdraw from more and more and where will it end type thing.
I haven’t got the sort of brain that could imagine not just getting on with something so small for your kids. I would struggle to empathise.
It’s not up to you to reassure her of course but if you wanted to perhaps you could approach some of these issues. Would you be happy if one of your DC married someone who couldn’t do a lot of fairly basic adult stuff? You may have concerns in that situation and seek reassurance and you would naturally be fairly protective and worried about your child. That’s probably where she’s coming from.

He has been complaining to her. Whether you think he mind or not, I'd say he has definitely been having a whinge about it.

@EasyComfortDishes

Would you feel the same if the op had contracted a physical illness or became disabled rather than what it appears to be to me - a mental health issue?
This is a grown up married couple, life happens, they are making adjustments. Isn't it good to see a husband supporting his wife?

I think you need to keep it under review with DH. He may not mind at the moment but it seems unnecessary expense to put children in breakfast and after school clubs so as to fit with your DH travel to and from work. As you only have commitments 3 days a week, I think you should be doing some of the pick ups. I'm sort of seeing MIL point.

Maybe don’t tell mil all your business from now on, not even in conversation. Plenty of parents have to drop their kids off on the way to work. I bet she wouldn’t have thought anything of it if you were doing that.

Looking after her mental health isn't lazy, it's good for the whole family. The mental drain of school run isn't just about other people's opinions. I find it a lot to get me and the three kids dressed, out on time, remember everything we need to take, put up with three kids squabbling, kids tired, weather often crap, same again at the end of the day with kids even more tired / hyped. I'm not in a position to give it up but my god I love it when he has a day off and he offers to do it.

Op ignore people who don't understand. DH does. You do. Kids are in school. Nothing else matters

Her mental health is only important if she's economically active? Because she matters more then?

I agree with you. My sister was very like the OP. Thankfully her DH realised that the more he took on the more she was relying on him. Eventually they sat down and realised that the best thing for all the family was for my sister to gradually do more.

Agree. Unfortunately people tend not to understand what it's like to live with ADHD/Autism.