I gave up the school run and I feel Amazing but MIL thinks I’m lazy

[Feelsomuchbetter]

I have ASD and ADHD . I struggle a lot. The school run has been hell for me. Dh drives past the school on his way to work so 3 months ago I asked him to please take the dc instead of me doing it. He was previously leaving 10 mins before we had to now he drops dc at breakfast club a bit earlier.

I feel SO much better. I’ve been able to wean myself off AD and I’m not mentally ruined by 9 am . MIL has been saying it’s not fair on dh !!!! That he should have a calm drive to work not stopping off at all ?? Dh is fine to do it he doesn’t mind, hasn’t complained .

To be honest, given your husband drives past the school, then it would seem the most obvious path regardless of your health situation to me. And if your husband is happy with it...well.....end of... really. If she makes any comments, say that you and your husband have discussed it and it works well for all concerned (so butt out😏).

This. With a bit of empathy it's easy to see DH's, OP's and MIL's point of view.

It's one of those posts where everyone is a little bit reasonable.

I bet MIL was hoping the answer to "you're looking well" would be "yes, I'm planning to get back to work soon" and when it was "yes, I'm doing less now" MIL reacted.

I'm ND and am very very fortunate to have found work I am both good at, and like. It's a real struggle. And that's 'just' ADHD. The combination is an arse. And I'm not sure anyone understands the paralysis and the feelings who doesn't have any neurodivergence at all.

What would you do if you were divorced and had 50/50?

What does 'mentally wean myself off AD mean'?

I presume she’d cross that bridge if she came to it?
It’s not a crime to need other people. ND people are very often given a hard time for being a “burden” on others. The man literally drives past the school anyway.

It must have been a typo ? I have just managed to come off AD since making this change

I don’t allow myself to think about imaginary scenarios as I find that causes an anxiety spiral so I concentrate on dealing with things only when they happen so I won’t be responding to hypothetical situations .

There would be an awful lot of bridges to cross. Not just a school run!

Good on you.
I'm doing the same when DS starts nursery school.
DH physically walks past the school on his way to work.

It’s wonderful to have the support of your DH and I hope you can work towards feeling better. From an outsider standpoint I can see why your MIL might judge, it’s not helpful that you are aware of how she feels as will have an impact on your relationship. Can you have an heart to heart with her. Hopefully this arrangement is a short term solution, building to you doing more drop offs and pick ups? I think it can be easy to forget about the parent who is taking on more and my worry is if he becomes ill, stressed, changes jobs etc.

Well, you would be foolish not to.

Are you sure that your dh isn't complaining to his mum that he's doing everything, is his work ok with him leaving work (from home) to collect? You may feel better but is the impact on him negative and his mum is actually worried?

It's not clear if you work yourself, is that a factor?

Sorry what is AD? do you mean adderall?

Sounds like a very sensible arrangement. We did this years ago but for different reasons. The morning buses were a nightmare. We could either get to school at 8am or 9:10, there was nothing in between, despite the bus timetable saying there were buses arriving at school at 8:20, 8:40 and 9:00. Then there would be no room for ds2's wheelchair so we would have to wait for the next one with both dc in tears. When I found out that breakfast club for both dc was less than half the price of the bus fare, dh started taking them on his way to work.

I don’t think it is lazy at all - I think @Feelsomuchbetter and her dh have made a sensible adjustment that enables her to cope with her conditions and her needs, @BananaSpanner.

It's probably not that simple for OP. And there are other ways to contribute to family life besides having a job.

There’s no point as it will just cause me more anxiety and I won’t be living in the present moment. I just make sure things are organised anyway and that I’m getting my MH to improve and then whatever happens in any capacity I will deal with at that point in time. I’m not going to sit worrying about ‘what if ‘ all the time I prefer to focus on ‘what is’ .

Antidepressants

It stands for antidepressants.

For somebody not working the kids would have to absolutely love it - both the earlier morning breakfast club & the 2 days after-school care for it too be worth it.

@Feelsomuchbetter i can’t believe you are getting so much flack.

your DH is happy to do it and it doesn’t really inconvenience him so it’s a non issue and ignore all those weeping for him.

Your DH and you need to make it clear to MIL that you don’t need her approval and this works for your family unit.

I’ve had debilitating depression and the absolute overwhelm and fatigue with every simple thing was mind blowing. I’m so glad you realise you needed help and asked for it and that this works for your family.

You have made a plan. You are currently helping local communities and charity’s with your voluntary work and will get a paid role when you are ready. That’s fine. That’s no one else’s business to judge.

you are enough. You are fabulous. You got this.

good luck. x

They enjoy it and they get to see their friends for longer. Luckily they haven’t inherited any of my conditions so they are fine having longer days

Thankyou so much this is so kind I really appreciate the support

Also to add "weaning yourself of anti depressants" is a major red flag

You should be speaking with a doctor about dosages & brands if your unable to look after your kids for more then 2 days & 5+ nights a week

One of the biggest problems with getting people to stay on meds is them thinking there "cured" followed by thinking their "not working"

So I would worry about that a lot with young kids as your not better at coping with them your actually spending less time with them & happier occasionally because your removing your self from their main care giving needs

Your decision.
I wouldnt and havent done it. I was seriously ill.
Thank God. In the divorce (me divorcing him), it would have been evidence I was incompetant, as a mother. 100%. Fact.

Hopefully the 50% doesnt apply to you. Best of luck. Enjoy volunteering.