I gave up the school run and I feel Amazing but MIL thinks I’m lazy

[Feelsomuchbetter]

I have ASD and ADHD . I struggle a lot. The school run has been hell for me. Dh drives past the school on his way to work so 3 months ago I asked him to please take the dc instead of me doing it. He was previously leaving 10 mins before we had to now he drops dc at breakfast club a bit earlier.

I feel SO much better. I’ve been able to wean myself off AD and I’m not mentally ruined by 9 am . MIL has been saying it’s not fair on dh !!!! That he should have a calm drive to work not stopping off at all ?? Dh is fine to do it he doesn’t mind, hasn’t complained .

Strange that MIL even knows your school run set up TBH let alone has an opinion on it. Sounds like the dream OP.

I mean. I can kind of see her point, even if it isnt her business.

Reckon your H isn't taking it quite as well as you think. He'll be knackered. We'd all like to shut off the school run if we could.

You haven't got the "sort of brain that can understand". Well I have and can tell you that what you think is "basic adult stuff" feels very different to someone who is ND.

Yes exactly this. I think it's normal for her to be concerned and if the roles were reversed for all those posters saying it's none of MIL's business, would your own mums really be fine with their daughters working full time and doing all school runs while their DH didn't work or help out because he found the school run stressful? Obviously if you or DH have explained to her your condition and you're getting help/trying to address it and she's still calling you lazy that's quite a different matter but on the face of it I can understand why she would be concerned.

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Agree with this.

You say you used to work OP so clearly you've got worse since then. I'd be staying on the meds and stepping up CBT etc if I were you. Doesn't sound sustainable.

Why would he be knackered? He’s dropping them off on the way to work and picking them up on the way home so would be out anyway. Then popping out on WFH days. If it’s such a small minor thing that OP should be doing it, why would it be exhausting for the husband?

Perhaps op could provide her mother in law with a minute by minute run down of her entire year to clarify if she's providing the prodigal son with the wife he deserves?

Why?

Because you believe it will magically solve the mh battles op has with her condition?
Because one day he'll up and leave her for a woman with a job and she'll be destitute?
Because she isn't really worth anything without a job?

The catastrophism and lack of empathy is really a you problem, not an op problem.

If you don't work at all, then yes I think it's extremely lazy not to take your kids to school. That is just part and parcel of raising kids. I'm just about to finish doing the school run after 17 yrs and I know how tiresome it can be, but really, routines are an important part of life. I could never be asleep in bed while my working husband did all the getting kids ready and getting off to work himself.

I don't understand why he wouldn't be doing it anyway tbh if he's literally driving past on his way to work.

If you’re not working or doing the school run, I get her point tbh. Your poor DH is doing a lot.

If you’re both happy with that arrangement then it’s none of her business.

Honestly? Yes. Because she'd assume that we're adults and have done it to suit us. She'd trust me. She wouldn't assume she knew better just because she had an opinion.

So she can contribute to family life. She volunteers, so she can work.

Not disagreeing at all. But perhaps MIL is also catastrophising and doesn’t really connect with how MH problems can work. I’m not judging the OP at all, I don’t care at all who does the school run. I’m just offering a thought about what her MIL might be worried about. She could address her MILs worries or not, as she pleases.

We try to make it as balanced as we can I do all the cooking/housework/admin tasks etc . He works full time and doing the school run this way has just made the whole house a calmer place which is better for the dc

Clearly neither can you read the whole thread, or even just ops posts.

Op has clearly stated she's up and helping her the kids ready. She's probably able to do more of that as she's not also getting herself ready.

If op had arthritis and it caused her physical pain (not just a niggle, but real pain that the painkillers couldn't touch) would you honestly call her lazy for not doing it and tell her routine will be good for her? That if she does it enough she'll get used to the pain so it'll be fine? That her bad back / arthritis/ fibromyalgia / joint pains are not her husband's problems and she should just get on with it and stop being extremely lazy?

@deluxe

The op has clearly said she isn't lying in bed while her husband gets the children up and out.
The only thing she has said she isn't doing is the school run, so I would assume she is performing all other wifely duties

Tbf this is why I decided not to have children due to my disability (AuDHD). I knew the pressures would be too much for me and it wouldn’t be fair on everyone else. But you can’t exactly put the children back in, and damaging your mental health won’t do anyone any favours so I think you just need to do what you can at home so that your DH doesn’t end up building resentment due to outside forces constantly telling him it isn’t fair.

As for the ‘get a job’ crowd, wouldn’t that be nice? It’s clear they don’t see this as a ‘real’ disability, just you being lazy.

If she doesn’t know how much you struggle with your MH, then I can understand why she would think you’re lazy.

I can’t imagine my children going to breakfast clubs and after-school clubs if I were a SAHM.
Again, I can understand your struggle with doing it, but if she isn’t aware or as understanding, she probably feels like it’s your responsibility as a SAHM to drop and collect.

It’s not the same, with volunteering there’s no pressure and no expectation to provide/earn. It doesn’t affect our UC and if I worked and then was off and wages less it would impact the dc so we are managing the best we can for now. That being said being able to be off AD and feeling so much better I do hope to be able to work PT in the future

Sure, but that presupposes an affectionate, trusting, tactful relationship between MIL, son and DIL. I mean, my MIL, of whom I am averagely fond, despite her not much liking me these last 30 years, thinks my DH is the most henpecked, put-upon man in existence because he does his fair share of parenting gruntwork and all the cooking and grocery shopping. Equality can look like unfairness if you’re used to the patriarchal norms of the 1950s.

My only wondering about the scenario the OP describes is how the MIL knows.

@Feelsomuchbetter please don’t let your MIL’s comments get to you. You’ve found a solution that works really well for everyone. Do not worry if everyone understands and approves. There will ALWAYS be people who don’t. You are not lazy. You take care of your kids in the morning, helping them get ready. It is no big deal. Be confident in your choices and I’m happy for you that things are much better for you. Parenting for ND parents can be an extra level of challenging and you need to find things that work for you wherever possible, it doesn’t only benefit you but the fact that you are Ok impacts the whole family in a positive way.