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Original poster

I gave up the school run and I feel Amazing but MIL thinks I’m lazy

585 replies

Feelsomuchbetter · 18/12/2024 11:25

I have ASD and ADHD . I struggle a lot. The school run has been hell for me. Dh drives past the school on his way to work so 3 months ago I asked him to please take the dc instead of me doing it. He was previously leaving 10 mins before we had to now he drops dc at breakfast club a bit earlier.

I feel SO much better. I’ve been able to wean myself off AD and I’m not mentally ruined by 9 am . MIL has been saying it’s not fair on dh !!!! That he should have a calm drive to work not stopping off at all ?? Dh is fine to do it he doesn’t mind, hasn’t complained .

OP posts:
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OchreDog · 20/12/2024 08:24

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Oioisavaloy27 · 21/12/2024 15:17

camerasupply · 19/12/2024 17:39

I'm going to say it again - you have NO idea what you're going on about.

A lot of autistic people CANNOT change their behaviour to "fit in to society" no matter how hard they try. Those who can will find it extremely draining.

I'm astounded that you're a parent of an autistic child with these views. Absolutely astounded.

I don't know why you are getting so invested in the OPs situation anyway - she says her husband, kids and herself are all happy with the situation.

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If what you were saying was true then a lot of autistic people would not be able to mask.

Yalta · 21/12/2024 15:56

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 19/12/2024 13:17

I don’t understand ND? Very broad term, up to 50% of the population is ND, around 7% ASD. Do you understand ND or is it ASD you have experience with?

I am Autistic, as are two of my sons. OP is choosing where to spend her energy - it’s volunteering in a busy hospital instead of working or taking her kids on the school run. Her prerogative, however, based on the fact she volunteers where she does she could probably get school run done or work.

School run for me is utterly exhausting, emotionally draining, overwhelming - it’s so much, I still do it. I don’t work - I focus on parenting my kids well. OP has chosen to volunteer.

She’s recently diagnosed? So we’re not talking non verbal, limited speaking and/or high needs here. We’re talking about someone who has opted out of something and put her energy elsewhere. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be hard, I’m saying she could probably get it done and MIL has a point.

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But at what cost?

I am diagnosed ADHD and awaiting my assessment for autism

You don’t have to be non verbal to have a communication issue.

Everyone is different, Just because one person with autism can do the school run. It doesn’t mean everyone can do the school run

I spent my 20s having years off work because I was constantly funnelled into office jobs
Which lasted 2 years. Then I would have a year off because I would have a nervous breakdown
Get another office job and do the same again.
I earned more by doing less. I refused to go back to work after the 3rd time it happened

I spent a year recovering and then months when I felt well enough tentatively searching for a business that took my fancy. Dh was just grateful I had managed to get out of bed

I spent months doing all sorts of different work. And then I started a few businesses

Although I knew nothing about ADHD the idea of doing just one business was beyond me.

I was making more in a few months than I made in a whole year.

If I had been forced back into office work I shudder to think where I would be now.

If doing the school run results in *Feelsomuchbetter *having a melt down that stops her from getting paid work from her volunteering job then the cost of not doing it is definitely worth while.

Essentialblindspots · 21/12/2024 16:03

Oioisavaloy27 · 21/12/2024 15:17

If what you were saying was true then a lot of autistic people would not be able to mask.

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People with ASD are not all the same.

Women with ASD often mask more than men.

Some women with ASD, like my dd, manage to mask, modt of the time, except on the occasions when they can’t, and behave normally in the face of massive sensory overloads, and then come home and collapse. She therefore needs recovery time in between. More than a NT person would.

Surely this is common knowledge by now?

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 21/12/2024 18:26

Oioisavaloy27 · 21/12/2024 15:17

If what you were saying was true then a lot of autistic people would not be able to mask.

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A lot of us can't mask, can't mask consistently, or are so exhausted by masking that it impairs our ability to do useful things.

I can mask right up until until I can't, hence ending up sitting on the floor of aisle 37 at Tesco with my head on my knees.

Candy24 · 21/12/2024 21:03

I think it is lovely that her husband values her and helps her with her limitations. Honestly different strokes for different folks. Those saying her kids are being affected they would be affected by a stressed mum. Asd is limiting as the mum of an ASD daughter she really struggles. I hate how some people expect her to just switch it off . She cant she tries but she cant. Age wont fix that either. Please be kind.

MadameWombat · 23/12/2024 18:38

I've not read the whole thread, just OP's posts, but this is literally what PIP is for, and I'm glad you are using it to benefit yourself and your children.

As for the OP spending her energy volunteering instead of doing the school run, it's a long-running joke within the ADHD community that we are able to clean other people's houses, but not our own, because of how our brains work, and I'm guessing it's a similar concept with her.

eyestosee · 23/12/2024 21:49

I just don't see the problem with the OP's and her DH's arrangements. Yes, if it were a problem perhaps they could come up with another solution which would enable her to do the school run. However, it is just not necessary. What they do works. As similar childcare works for lots of families.

Maybe each one of the people complaining could offer up their lives for critique? Do they do all their own cleaning or gardening or DIY? Do they give each other haircuts at home? All these things are possible for individuals to do but many people outsource these tasks to others. And the OP is dealing with conditions which make certain tasks more difficult and is under treatment for these conditions. Would you criticise someone with gastrointestinal problems for not wanting to eat out with their family to celebrate special occasion? Even though they still need to eat and want to celebrate they might deem the challenges of eating out outweigh the benefits.

peachystormy · 09/01/2025 10:05

deluxe · 18/12/2024 13:45

If you don't work at all, then yes I think it's extremely lazy not to take your kids to school. That is just part and parcel of raising kids. I'm just about to finish doing the school run after 17 yrs and I know how tiresome it can be, but really, routines are an important part of life. I could never be asleep in bed while my working husband did all the getting kids ready and getting off to work himself.

did you even read the thread? She's not 'asleep in bed' whilst the husband does the school run. The OP is up and about getting kids dressed, fed she just doesn't take them anymore

peachystormy · 09/01/2025 10:11

OP I had wanted to add, your depiction of the lead up to school run, the fear of being late the OCD around it. I suffer with the exact same thing. I want to start working again and the anxiety I have about getting my kids dressed,ready and myself of a morning is unreal....and I haven't even got the job yet

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