I gave up the school run and I feel Amazing but MIL thinks I’m lazy

[Feelsomuchbetter]

I have ASD and ADHD . I struggle a lot. The school run has been hell for me. Dh drives past the school on his way to work so 3 months ago I asked him to please take the dc instead of me doing it. He was previously leaving 10 mins before we had to now he drops dc at breakfast club a bit earlier.

I feel SO much better. I’ve been able to wean myself off AD and I’m not mentally ruined by 9 am . MIL has been saying it’s not fair on dh !!!! That he should have a calm drive to work not stopping off at all ?? Dh is fine to do it he doesn’t mind, hasn’t complained .

The burden of work is totally different to volunteer work.
Firstly, hours wise it's a lot more flexible. Very few people get to walk into paid work and have absolute say over when you'll work.

Secondly whilst there is still a requirement for you to be where you've said you'll be, it's different mentally to the requirements of paid work.

Op is able to pick the bits of volunteering she wants to do, which again makes it mentally easier to show up and perform.

And the ability to walk away is different too mentally because you're not going to change the status quo of your financial dynamics.

And beyond that, plenty of people volunteer instead of working. If all those people got full time jobs, who will fill the volunteering gaps? Yes many people do both, but that doesn't mean charities / schools / hospitals etc don't still critically rely on people like op

I agree

I’m in two minds. I do virtually all school drop offs and pick ups because my job is more flexible than DH’s. And that puts a lot of pressure on me because it can really feel like a lot. If you’re not working and he’s doing all of them, I can see why MIL (and maybe it’s coming from him?) feel it’s not the right balance. But equally, because it is a lot, I can see why it was negatively affecting you. I’d want to be sure how your DH really feels about it, your MIL’s opinion is neither here nor there, what’s important to establish is whether your DH might start to resent the situation you’re in.

I personally wouldn’t be happy being the only one working and having to negotiate all the school runs as well. Surely that’s the point of having a sahp. That’s probably how mil is looking at it and you would not be getting the same responses here if you were a man.

Are you seeking help to get back to coping with working and doing the basics for your children? It sounds as though you may well be, given your active approach to medication. This would be good.

I too would worry as your MIL. None of this is to do with fault/blame, but as I tell my own children: I have endless wells of sympathy and understanding and support and patience for someone who tries to help themselves, none for people who don't. As a parent and wife, not helping yourself is an indulgence you're not entitled to I'm afraid.

Thank you for your volunteering efforts. I truly believe life wouldn't be recognisable without the massive amounts of unpaid labour volunteers do.

You’re always better off working on UC. Unless you’re getting PIP or DLA and exempt from the benefit cap. Volunteering is the same and working, you’ll likely just enjoy it less. But you’re capable of holding something down and showing up so you can work.

your mil should have been never in your business.

Op said. Ironically MIL complemented op on how well she was looking lately. Op said it's because DH is doing the school runs. Mil immediately criticises her for not doing them, despite boring how much better she seemed NOT doing them.

So you'd prefer your husband to be having to medicate to get through the day so you didn't have to do the school run, even though he's also picking up everything else at home and his mh would be in tatters?

“you would not be getting the same responses here if you were a man”

That is very true! @Mickey79

No I’d prefer to be divorced.

Does your husband have the type of job where he clocks on and off at set times?

My husband does this type of job and picking up the kids wouldn't make much difference to his stress levels as he is finished at 5 because the manufacturing site is shut down by then.

Though he can't actually pick them up as the times don't work. I can when WFH but it is stressful trying to get meetings finished, stuff sorted etc and make sure I'm out of the door. I have to set Alexa so I don't lose track of time on a task. I need to make up the time at the end of the day.

If it's more like the latter for your husband then your MIL may have a point.

She may also have misinterpreted it as 'not doing morning ', which would be more unreasonable. In her mind the stressful but is probably the getting them out the door in terms of breakfast, getting ready etc. if she thinks you've opted out of this her concern is fair.

Perhaps you just need to explain better that he's just doing the driving.

Well her DH has that option and hasn't chosen to take it, so we can assume he isn't wanting a divorce because the only chore he has outside of work is the en route school run. He can get a divorce, do 50% of the school runs, the washing, the cooking, the cleaning.....

I get PIP. To be honest my aim/plan is to get another volunteering shift or two in the evenings or weekends as my long term hope is for the hospital volunteering to put me in a good place for when there is a healthcare support vacancy as that’s ideally what I’d love to do I just need to pace myself getting to that point .

Wow, so many comments on here show that society is still hugely ignorant of the struggles neurodivergent people face on a day to day basis.

OP well done on advocating for yourself! Your kids need an unstressed mum - that's what's most important, not what your MIL or strangers on the internet think.

Yes, being a parent can be terribly inconvenient.

Perhaps MIL should have invested more into sex education for DH so he didn't end up having to be one?

I can understand you feeling hurt - your interfering MIL lacks and empathy for your struggles, and it’s all about sticking up for her poor baby boy.🤦‍♀️

Why does she think she has a platform in your marriage to voice her opinions? Has your DH been talking to her behind your back here?

This needs knocking right on the head or soon you’ll feel there are three of you in this marriage, because the is type of behaviour will carry on and progress.

Just say “it works well for us” and ignore.

mil once turned her nose up at me “spending dh’s money” because I bought a pair of shoes in the Clark’s half price sale. They were £16 ffs and I earned the same as him 🙄

I also think I have trauma myself from the school environment I wasn’t able to cope and didn’t go as it’s just the sheer volume of people and noise and how busy it is . It’s the only place I find that level of stress descend upon me . Actually I’ve felt it before Xmas shopping on Xmas eve in a busy shopping centre that’s the closest comparison . It’s just something I can’t seem to cope with on so many levels .

I’m with you, I send my kids to breakfast club on my non-working day because I found the school drop off stressful.

So they didn’t have to use breakfast and after school clubs and the DC had a shorter day, probably.

Tbh if my Dsil had MH issues and my DD was the only one working and it appeared that more was being asked of her with regards to childcare he had previously done, I'd be a bit concerned for her. Because while I'd sympathise with my DsiL, my priority would be my DDs wellbeing. I'd never have used the word 'lazy', but I'd probably have checked out with DD if she was coping, which may well be interpreted as interference. But I'm her mum. And mums of sons are concerned for their adult DC too.

I don't have DC but the school run used to give me the absolute heebie geebies and was the most effective contraceptive (used to help my CM friend with drop offs).

I do have adhd tho and no, people won't get this but we do that know what it's like.

Are you getting a bit of a rejection sensitivity reaction from her comments?

Sounds like a very time effective solution to me.

Good for you! I 100% know how you feel, also ASD and also hated school runs and also have a very supportive OH and also do volunteering instead of working!

High five.

Hmmm. I can see both sides of this tbh.
My SIL sounds a bit like you - lots of anxiety, gradually reduced from ft to pt and now not working at all. My db works very hard in his job and does a lot of the ‘domestic’ stuff - it’s hard not to worry about him and feel frustrated with SIL, even while we are sympathetic. My DM ( her MIL) really worries about my bro and has (unwisely) expressed it sometimes - not because she is interfering or whatever but because she had her own mh difficulties, huge anxiety and catastrophising- and the main trigger for her anxiety is her dcs and gdcs.