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Neurodiverse Mumsnetters

Use this forum to discuss neurodiverse parenting.

I gave up the school run and I feel Amazing but MIL thinks I’m lazy

585 replies

Feelsomuchbetter · 18/12/2024 11:25

I have ASD and ADHD . I struggle a lot. The school run has been hell for me. Dh drives past the school on his way to work so 3 months ago I asked him to please take the dc instead of me doing it. He was previously leaving 10 mins before we had to now he drops dc at breakfast club a bit earlier.

I feel SO much better. I’ve been able to wean myself off AD and I’m not mentally ruined by 9 am . MIL has been saying it’s not fair on dh !!!! That he should have a calm drive to work not stopping off at all ?? Dh is fine to do it he doesn’t mind, hasn’t complained .

OP posts:
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LeroyJenkinssss · 18/12/2024 21:39

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Wtf?? Give over and stop being so incredibly narrow minded and judgemental.

Fraggeek · 18/12/2024 21:39

bittertwisted · 18/12/2024 20:57

Physically disabled parents do school runs

And some don't. The same as those who are ND or suffer with MH.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 18/12/2024 21:40

thatdidnothappen · 18/12/2024 20:27

Sickness and in health doesn’t really apply here.

If you are married to someone and they become unwell, whether temporarily or permanently, that’s obviously going to change your and their life, depending on the illness it could be significantly and permanently. That’s certainly not a reason for leaving someone.

However, illness (which being ND isn’t, but anyway) isn’t a reason for not doing things you can actually do.

I have a bad back. Doesn’t sound like much. It is, believe me. I’ve spent days in pain, suffering, sometimes silently, sometimes not. However, I get on and I do things.

Part of that is because I’ve no choice in the matter but it’s more than that. If I give in - if I stay in bed because it’s just too painful, then that’s when the decline kicks in and I end up sinking. Anyone who has had an elderly relative go into a home knows how this happen - they retain some independence at home and they force themselves to do some things, go to a home, that’s taken away from them, three months time they are bed bound.

That’s not good for anyone.

It isn’t good for the DH. What do we always say on here, that resentment builds up.

It isn’t good for the children, I don’t care what people say, it isn’t optimal to have one parent detach to this extent.

It isn’t good for the OP. She’s in a vulnerable position, and she is isolating herself further.

I'm autistic. I also have sciatica from a herniated disk, which is a form of "bad back". I also live with permanent injury to my right wrist, which stops me from doing some things

Autism and musculoskeletal injuries are not comparable, not even remotely. And in my case, the impact of the autism on my life is greater than both musculoskeletal injuries together.

Surelythistime · 18/12/2024 21:42

This thread is just so sad and is just an example of how society sees people with ADHD/Autism Sad

LoyalTaupeTiger · 18/12/2024 21:44

Feelsomuchbetter · 18/12/2024 15:47

It’s also easier for dh as it’s quieter at that point (730am) so he can literally park right by the school and drop off quickly then carry on to work. If he dropped them even at normal time it’s impossible for him to park. On the days he collects at 320 he walks

As a step to doing more (I've noted you do all the housework, so I think you pull your weight) but could you drop the DC at 730c as it quieter?

Ignore the mil thought if it works for you and dh, then it's no one else's beeswax

EdithBond · 18/12/2024 21:45

Fraggeek · 18/12/2024 21:35

Everyone saying OP isn't working can fuck off.

She IS working. For no payment. Which in my eyes is extremely admirable and not an easy feat. Volunteering doesn't mean you're not working. She's not sat on her arse staring into space is she??

Not only that, but as a mum to 3 children with varying degrees of ASD, anyone neurotypical saying what she should/shouldn't do are lucky their brains function in a way that allows them to do what they're suggesting so easily. Quite simply, that's not how it works for everyone.

MIL needs to keep her option to herself.
Id maybe sit down with DH and have an open and honest discussion.
If he is sincere in that he's more than happy to help, then by all means carry on. If actually that's not the case you need to find a solution together. Even if it's splitting the school runs. Whatever works so you are both happy with the set up.

Please don't take any notice of those who think you're in the wrong. The only people that matter in this situation are you and your family.

OP also works caring for her children at home and doing housework. It’s all work. Some parents pay other people to do that sort of work.

I agree it’d help to have an open conversation with DH. Just to double-check MIL isn’t voicing something he feels he can’t say. But OP has perhaps already done so. And it appears he doesn’t share his mother’s views, given he expects her to apologise.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 18/12/2024 21:46

Oioisavaloy27 · 18/12/2024 20:45

But the children are in breakfast club and after school club so the playground is not over run I don't understand this at all. The playground will be empty so I don't understand why the op has a problem with it.

The kids weren't in wraparound when OP was dropping them off.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 18/12/2024 21:48

thatdidnothappen · 18/12/2024 20:46

Edith - you’re misunderstanding or misinterpreting; not sure which.

People might use wheelchairs because walking is impossible or because it is painful or hard as you’ve said.

No one is suggesting they should be made to walk miles but there is no need to be ‘shocked’ by pointing out that we need to do things that are difficult / hard, because the alternative is worse.

There's no single big "fix" like a wheelchair for autism. That's a key difference between mobility impairment and autism that you are ignoring here.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 18/12/2024 21:55

bittertwisted · 18/12/2024 20:57

Physically disabled parents do school runs

In adapted cars.

There's no aid for autism that is as transformative as an adapted car or a wheelchair is for someone mobility-impaired.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 18/12/2024 21:58

thatdidnothappen · 18/12/2024 20:53

Some of us have more than a clue, and we aren’t idiots.

I have done every nursery pick up and drop off for many years, it is exhausting and is does make you resentful.

It's going to be less exhausting for DH in his car than it will be for OP walking both was. I can't remember whether it was 40 min each way or 40 min round trip, but it's not five minutes around the corner.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 18/12/2024 22:03

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So kids in wraparound care are "suffering" now? Someone had better report all those double-earner families out there to SS!

Or, are kids in the exact same wraparound care somehow magically not suffering when they are there for reasons that you personally approve of?

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 18/12/2024 22:05

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 18/12/2024 21:07

I think that's what's rattling so many cages.

You don't get PIP easily!

No, you don't get it easily.

She's impaired enough to have been assessed as eligible for PIP and yet people still think she should carry out an activity that makes her disability worse.

Disablism is rife on Mumsnet, especially towards autistic people, and this thread is proof.

eyestosee · 18/12/2024 22:06

It's not anyone else's business apart from the people this directly involves.

Think of the old adage, 'Don't complain, don't explain'. Basically don't engage in these types of conversations especially with your MiL.

Now regarding you. Play to your strengths. Make a contribution to your family which utilises the things you are good at. Ditto with employment. Perhaps you might look at work whereby you have a lot of autonomy. Maybe you could be self employed or work from home. But if your role is not working play to your strengths in terms of supporting the family in other ways.

Unfortunately people will judge. They only seem to judge a person's worth in terms of them working in paid employment. However there are other world views which are a lot less shallow...

rightinthedavinamccalls · 18/12/2024 22:06

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Do kids who go to breakfast club/after school club 5 days a week because both parents are working suffer too?

lickycat · 18/12/2024 22:06

Wraparound doesn’t cause suffering to children.

Plenty of women do paid work all day and still manage to do drop off and pick up at wraparound without a thread full of people claiming it’s far too much to do both.

@Feelsomuchbetter I’m sorry you had this Spanish Inquisition, lack of empathy and some downright nastiness aimed at you on this thread. You’ve found something that works for your family, and that’s no one else’s business (not your MILs nor the people on this thread who’ve had you detailing your income and expenditure as if that’s got anything to do with it). Good luck.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 18/12/2024 22:10

PlopSofa · 18/12/2024 20:47

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a hard time on here OP. I find it shocking to see how much people don’t understand what it’s like to live with autism and ADHD.

even when I quote that only 22% of autistic adults are in any kind of work, people double down on the lazy slur.

we have a long way to go before people really truly understand. People assume that you’re making it up or “just not getting on with things”.

It’s so hard. Already it’s hard enough to live with ND and then to be regularly judged by NT people. It’s no wonder so many have C-PTSD.

We are rejected over and over and over again and told to just get on with things.

People don’t see our worth. None of the things that ND has given them like the phones they type their nasty judgemental messages on. Steve Jobs, on the spectrum, Mark Zuckerberg, on the spectrum, Bill Gates, on the spectrum, Elon Musk, on the spectrum. Four of the most influential powerful people on the planet that have shaped the last couple of decades.

What they don’t see is that many of the advances in human kind are from ND people and while they are plastering on make up and enjoying shopping for new shoes, Einstein was working out the theory of relativity. While you’re using Facebook, iPhones etc, these ND people are getting very rich.

If ND was worthless it would have left the gene pool.

Not every ND person is super bright but the ones that are, light up the path for the human race.

Many scientists and engineers have ND traits. It’s shocking how badly ND is treated for all it’s done for the human race.

1% of the population are autistic.

Between 7 and 15% of people hospitalised after attempted suicide are autistic.

The attitudes shown on this thread demonstrate just why that is.

Suicidality in autism: risk and prevention

Research and practical suggestions for assessment and prevention of suicide for autistic people

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/suicidality

Oioisavaloy27 · 18/12/2024 22:11

lemmein · 18/12/2024 20:52

The playground will be empty so I don't understand why the op has a problem with it.

You don't need to understand it - I dare say the OP doesn't understand why she has a problem with it either. That's the thing about MH and ND, it isn't always rational - why doesn't an anorexic just eat? Hmm

Whatever the reason, she finds it overwhelming and as a family they have come up with a solution. Nothing to do with anybody else.

But he op said the playground was too busy for her that is my point.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 18/12/2024 22:14

Feelsomuchbetter · 18/12/2024 21:38

Yes I asked to move it here as I hadn’t realised this section existed till now and I’d posted in chat initially . I thought it may be a better place here for support

Unfortunately, it's showing in Active and in Trending (which is why MNHQ should remove this board from Trending as we on this board have repeatedly asked them to) so people are seeing it and jumping on.

Plus the people who joined when it was in Chat/AIBU/whichever-cesspool-it-was are still here.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 18/12/2024 22:16

Oioisavaloy27 · 18/12/2024 22:11

But he op said the playground was too busy for her that is my point.

When she drops the kids off, its at normal school opening time, so crowded and noisy. It's only when her husband drops them off on his office days that they are in wraparound.

FFS read what the OP has said!

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 18/12/2024 22:20

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 18/12/2024 22:10

1% of the population are autistic.

Between 7 and 15% of people hospitalised after attempted suicide are autistic.

The attitudes shown on this thread demonstrate just why that is.

That's not fair.

There are many things that drive people to suicide, and many faucets of autism.

sandyhappypeople · 18/12/2024 22:34

I don't think your DH is the concern here to be fair, it's a bit of a red herring, the mechanics of that part seems to work perfectly fine, I am in agreement with a lot of posters about the children having to have long days because of it though, it seems quite excessive, and I can understand why your MIL is concerned about it, calling you lazy is just showing her ignorance though to be fair, if she wants to raise legitimate concerns she needs to learn to be constructive.

The part I honestly can't comprehend though is that you plan to volunteer evenings and weekends in the hope of potentially getting a job there? Which will take you away from the children even more! It's bonkers OP, you already volunteer there, so if there was a job going you would hear about it, besides if there IS a job going, you may not even get it (and you definitely won't if you are not even qualified enough to apply for it at the moment).. that idea seems quite selfish IMO.

I'm trying to be understanding but it seems that you are focusing so much on you and what you need, you don't seem to be considering the wider impact it may be having on your children at all, it's all well and good that you are happy, and they don't mind having really long days, but aside from the financial implications, everyone having to do more so you can choose to do less will start to take it's toll, from the outside you seem to manage perfectly fine when it is something you want to do, but you need to start learning to manage when it is something the children want to do too, by putting whatever strategies you need in place, your DH seems incredibly supportive which is great, but you can't just opt out of parenting.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 18/12/2024 23:38

rightinthedavinamccalls · 18/12/2024 22:06

Do kids who go to breakfast club/after school club 5 days a week because both parents are working suffer too?

I said that already. Apparently it's different if they have a parent at home!🙄

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 18/12/2024 23:40

sandyhappypeople · 18/12/2024 22:34

I don't think your DH is the concern here to be fair, it's a bit of a red herring, the mechanics of that part seems to work perfectly fine, I am in agreement with a lot of posters about the children having to have long days because of it though, it seems quite excessive, and I can understand why your MIL is concerned about it, calling you lazy is just showing her ignorance though to be fair, if she wants to raise legitimate concerns she needs to learn to be constructive.

The part I honestly can't comprehend though is that you plan to volunteer evenings and weekends in the hope of potentially getting a job there? Which will take you away from the children even more! It's bonkers OP, you already volunteer there, so if there was a job going you would hear about it, besides if there IS a job going, you may not even get it (and you definitely won't if you are not even qualified enough to apply for it at the moment).. that idea seems quite selfish IMO.

I'm trying to be understanding but it seems that you are focusing so much on you and what you need, you don't seem to be considering the wider impact it may be having on your children at all, it's all well and good that you are happy, and they don't mind having really long days, but aside from the financial implications, everyone having to do more so you can choose to do less will start to take it's toll, from the outside you seem to manage perfectly fine when it is something you want to do, but you need to start learning to manage when it is something the children want to do too, by putting whatever strategies you need in place, your DH seems incredibly supportive which is great, but you can't just opt out of parenting.

Explain to me how she is "opting out" of parenting, just because she doesn't do the school run?

DH must have opted out too because it was mostly me who did the school run.

What's wrong with the OP getting a job??? Millions of us women have one!!

healthybychristmas · 18/12/2024 23:41

Do anti-anxiety medications help you?

lemmein · 18/12/2024 23:42

Surelythistime · 18/12/2024 21:42

This thread is just so sad and is just an example of how society sees people with ADHD/Autism Sad

Totally agree, it's a depressing read.

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