I gave up the school run and I feel Amazing but MIL thinks I’m lazy

[Feelsomuchbetter]

I have ASD and ADHD . I struggle a lot. The school run has been hell for me. Dh drives past the school on his way to work so 3 months ago I asked him to please take the dc instead of me doing it. He was previously leaving 10 mins before we had to now he drops dc at breakfast club a bit earlier.

I feel SO much better. I’ve been able to wean myself off AD and I’m not mentally ruined by 9 am . MIL has been saying it’s not fair on dh !!!! That he should have a calm drive to work not stopping off at all ?? Dh is fine to do it he doesn’t mind, hasn’t complained .

Autism affects different people in different ways and what your son can do, others can't. It's beyond offensive to suggest that if we tried hard enough, we could learn to cope. There are some things I will never be able to cope with, like enduring certain types of lighting without sunglasses, because they are physically painful.

The neurotypical parents of autistic children are often the most judgemental about autism because they've met one autistic person, their child, and assume that we are all like their child.

I don’t understand ND? Very broad term, up to 50% of the population is ND, around 7% ASD. Do you understand ND or is it ASD you have experience with?

I am Autistic, as are two of my sons. OP is choosing where to spend her energy - it’s volunteering in a busy hospital instead of working or taking her kids on the school run. Her prerogative, however, based on the fact she volunteers where she does she could probably get school run done or work.

School run for me is utterly exhausting, emotionally draining, overwhelming - it’s so much, I still do it. I don’t work - I focus on parenting my kids well. OP has chosen to volunteer.

She’s recently diagnosed? So we’re not talking non verbal, limited speaking and/or high needs here. We’re talking about someone who has opted out of something and put her energy elsewhere. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be hard, I’m saying she could probably get it done and MIL has a point.

I was diagnosed as a child. I was a ‘school refuser’ and I had to see a psychiatrist and was wrongly medicated with Prozac at 13 then became so unwell I was admitted to an adolescent unit and diagnosed with at first Asperger’s and then later on ADHD

to add : I was non verbal as a very young child I rarely spoke till age 10

As an autistic personwith two autistic dc, surely you know that ASD affects everyone differently?

And it’s very smug to say “I choose to parent my children well” as if op is somehow choosing not to do that!

You cannot possibly know why op finds a hospital environment less difficult than the school run. Maybe she has more control in her working role or she is working in a physical environment that presents fewer fewer sensory challenges? Or working one on one with patients is manageable?

Maybe op thinks she can serve her dc best by working? Would a man be criticised for that?

Opting out of something that she copes badly with to put energy in to something where she thrives, sounds like an excellent and very sensible and pragmatic strategy to
me, playing to your strengths is what it is called usually. Perhaps you should consider it?

1% of the population is autistic.

Removing the school run doesn't just make a 40 minute walk go away, it makes a whole pile of stress and anxiety go away.

I need gluten-free food. (Before you say "what's this got to do with OP's school run?", bear with me.) I also struggle with bright lights, crowds, and piped music. I do as many of my "small shops" as possible at Lidl during the evenings because it's got fewer people at that time and Lidl have no piped music. Lidl don't have gluten-free bread, pasta, biscuits, etc so I have to get these at Tesco. I have had shutdowns in Tesco, where I can't remember how to read my own shopping list. I have had dizzy spells in Tesco. I have had panic attacks in Tesco. The fear that this months' "big shop" will end with me sitting with my head between my knees on the floor of aisle 37 again hangs over me the whole month. Discovering that Tesco's online ordering system now lists ingredients in full and allows per-item instructions for substitutions, both essential when shopping for an allergy, has allowed me to do a monthly "big shop" online and taken away that month-long dread. The amount of energy I have to tackle cleaning, vacuuming, laundry, etc is much greater all month because I got rid of one monthly sensory nightmare.

I can extrapolate from that experience that the OP's DH taking on the school run has taken away the all-day, every day dread for OP, as well as taking away 40 minutes of walking. No wonder OP is calmer and more present with her kids when getting them ready in the morning.

Not a day goes by on MN without a thread about a disruptive, aggressive boy causing havoc in the classroom, this was my son once upon a time. Everyone rightly says autism isn't an excuse, they have to learn to regulate and fit in to the classroom environment

Why doesn't that apply to adults?

Come now. OP isn’t a disruptive, aggressive adult. Her and her partner have found a way to remove some of the stress points of the day and it suits their family. There’s nothing wrong with what she’s done, and there’s no reason for her to force herself into these trigger situations unnecessarily (and by her account, she has tried that!).

I’m NT, and over the years me and my husband have made changes to our lives and routines in order to attempt to make them less stressful. Why wouldn’t you, ND or not?

Her choices don't equate to negligence or laziness just because they are different to yours.

"parenting your kids well" can look like letting their other parent do the school run - they get to school on time safe and happy

I think you may have a smidge of internalised ableism and possibly misogyny going on there.

Literally cannot believe I'm reading this from the parent of an autistic child.

Speechless.

@ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes Of course she could get it done and in fact used to. But why should she? Her husband is able to drop them on his way to work and is happy to do so. Why continue doing something that makes you miserable? Just so you can prove some kind of point to a judgmental mother-in-law? Life’s too short for that. She’ll find something else to criticise. You can’t live your life based on what you’re “supposed” to do, in fear of what people will say. Especially not if you’re autistic because that will lead to burn-out.

Everyone doesn’t rightly say that? What they say is that autistic children’s needs must be accommodated to allow them to access the curriculum. If their needs aren’t met, there will be problems, whether it’s disruptive behaviour or school refusal. EHCPs exist to identity those needs and state how they should be met.
For a child with autism to learn to regulate and fit in to the classroom environment, they need support. It doesn’t happen on its own although they may learn to mask their needs
and be compliant while at school.

You are comparing disruptive aggression to delegation of a task? Seriously?

They are not remotely comparable.

I’m not saying she should do that, in fact my first post said I don’t see the point if DH is driving past. But twice a week they go to b’fast club & after school club and DH does that run, that’s unnecessary. And why should she? Because she’s their Mum and she can. They are on benefits but spending money on luxuries like this and she’s not working. MIL thinks she’s lazy and has low resilience, she has a point. If my DIL couldn’t work or cope with mornings/ school run I would have some concerns as well.

Thank you for your opinion. Wildly inaccurate, but what ever makes sense to ya I suppose.

For everyone suggesting I'm comparing disruptive bad behaviour to the OP, that is not what I'm saying.
Fact is the OP could work at changing this, you get your children at this age only once, being a SAHM is a huge privilege. It seems she DOES want to say she can't change and do a school run/ parents evening/ party. My son couldn't see why lashing out was perfectly acceptable in his view of the world. He had to learn strategies and ways of coping with the world, because he lives in it.

We can't just not try, because this really is impacting on lives. The cost alone is ludicrous with only one working adult.

So autism is not an 'excuse' for disruptive little boys, but it is for grown women. Do you think those little boys are like that for no reason? No, it's their autism. But they have to find ways to change that behaviour so they can be part of society

I'm going to say it again - you have NO idea what you're going on about.

A lot of autistic people CANNOT change their behaviour to "fit in to society" no matter how hard they try. Those who can will find it extremely draining.

I'm astounded that you're a parent of an autistic child with these views. Absolutely astounded.

I don't know why you are getting so invested in the OPs situation anyway - she says her husband, kids and herself are all happy with the situation.

And by the way, no-one with an ounce of compassion would ever say things like "autism isn't an excuse" - it is an excuse and a very good one at that. You sound like a parent from the 1940s.

Well said @EdithBond.

Whose life is it impacting on that OP doesn't do the school run?

Her husbands and her children. I think alot on here genuinely can't see how this type of behaviour affects others and can only think of their own needs.

continuing as she was with the stress and anxiety would probably affect her husband and children far more with the long term affects of that. The husband has said he’s happy to op, she’s confident her children are happy and she is now happier, sounds like a win all around

Quite the reverse actually - I would say from all the OP has said, the resulting upturn in the OP's health is having a positive impact on the rest of her family!

How rude.

But...how is it affecting them? The DH is...dropping off the kids while he's driving past the school anyway? The kids are going to after school club a couple of times - mine quite enjoy after school club! What is the actual problem it's causing?

Sounds much better for them than having a mentally unwell wife/mum to me!