I gave up the school run and I feel Amazing but MIL thinks I’m lazy

[Feelsomuchbetter]

I have ASD and ADHD . I struggle a lot. The school run has been hell for me. Dh drives past the school on his way to work so 3 months ago I asked him to please take the dc instead of me doing it. He was previously leaving 10 mins before we had to now he drops dc at breakfast club a bit earlier.

I feel SO much better. I’ve been able to wean myself off AD and I’m not mentally ruined by 9 am . MIL has been saying it’s not fair on dh !!!! That he should have a calm drive to work not stopping off at all ?? Dh is fine to do it he doesn’t mind, hasn’t complained .

Eyebrow

Getting my saying mixed up!

I get PIP as well I suppose I could say the childcare comes from that then as it helps me ? All our money goes into the same account but i could technically say it’s from that ?

She's on pip, uc and gets other 'elements' of uc. High rate pip is over £700 a month.

Physically disabled parents do school runs

Idk if your commute will be included in this as I’ve only got it the card recently, but if you’re on pip you will be able to get the disability railcard which helps with cost.

OP, please stop justifying yourself to these people. They don't deserve your politeness. How you and your DH arrange your time/finances is nobody's business but yours!

Obviously! Don’t be obtuse, it’s not cute. There will be some who can’t … just like there are some people with invisible disabilities who can’t and some who can’t.

Also judged by other ND people it seems

How sad does your life have to be when you decide to take time out of your day to come on to the Neurodiverse Mumsnetters board to insult a stranger who's struggling for not being able to cope with something because of their disability?

I think that's what's rattling so many cages.

You don't get PIP easily!

Some posters have revisited this thread numerous times throughout the day just to repeatedly give the op a kicking - a mum who has already admitted she is struggling. Just why? Fucking bizarre behaviour from grown women!

Oh my word, how did I manage to miss that this thread is in Neurodiverse MNers?!

Now I'm properly depressed. The amount of flak OP has received from NT people in what is supposed to be an area of MN where us ND folk can get a break from all the judgement. Some people really need to cop on to themselves.

You can if you know what to say. Unfortunately I know several people who get it and are absolutely fine. I also know someone who actually is severely disabled and got turned down. Some people know how to play every system and often the genuine ones go without.

I think it’s recently been moved to this section?

But it isn’t the case that she just doesn’t enjoy the school run. It’s much more than that. The conditions the OP have can be incredibly difficult to manage on their own let alone all of them together. And she is being responsible. She can’t take care of her children if she’s burnt out, depressed, anxious etc. as well as when she’s feeling better

If this change makes your family life work better, it’s no one else’s business.

I have severe ADHD and, when we bought our house, we chose to live within 10 minutes walk of two good primary schools, childminders and a nursery. We aren’t at that stage yet but I find being on time and driving with a child in the car really stressful so I know I’d struggle if they were further.

There’s also a vast difference between doing a job you’re trained for and the school run. I’m a senior manager in the civil service, after many years in the NHS, and deal with crises every day with no trouble but I‘ve also had to leave the supermarket halfway through a shop as I couldn’t cope. Struggling in one area of your life doesn’t mean you’re incapable of everything, we all have different triggers and strengths.

I’m struggling to understand your opinion, which (assuming you’ve read all the OP’s posts) appears to be:

• People with disabilities shouldn’t expect their loved ones to make reasonable adjustments, even when they’re very happy to do so.

• They should do certain things, even though this exacerbates their disability, health and/or well-being, requiring medication?

• And, if they don’t, it’s legitimate and non-discriminatory for people to say they’re acting like the world revolves around them? Or maybe even judge them as lazy?

• So, someone who uses a wheelchair or is partially sighted should do school runs, even when it’s difficult, exacerbates their disability, puts their health at risk and/or causes a safety risk to their children (e.g. near traffic) should they become incapacitated because of the strain?

• Because the alternative is worse.

If I’ve misinterpreted or misunderstood, I apologise. I’m genuinely trying to understand your views.

And the hoovering, washing, tidying the kids' stuff away, etc. She's not idle.

Everyone saying OP isn't working can fuck off.

She IS working. For no payment. Which in my eyes is extremely admirable and not an easy feat. Volunteering doesn't mean you're not working. She's not sat on her arse staring into space is she??

Not only that, but as a mum to 3 children with varying degrees of ASD, anyone neurotypical saying what she should/shouldn't do are lucky their brains function in a way that allows them to do what they're suggesting so easily. Quite simply, that's not how it works for everyone.

MIL needs to keep her option to herself.
Id maybe sit down with DH and have an open and honest discussion.
If he is sincere in that he's more than happy to help, then by all means carry on. If actually that's not the case you need to find a solution together. Even if it's splitting the school runs. Whatever works so you are both happy with the set up.

Please don't take any notice of those who think you're in the wrong. The only people that matter in this situation are you and your family.

I have therapy and it is really helping.

I don’t personally think that 7 am is too early for dc to get up ! And they only have 2 days a week at after school
club. They are really happy !

I think it’s recently been moved to this section?

Makes sense. I'm disgusted that people are still piling on though.

Bloody hell @Feelsomuchbetter you’ve taken a battering here with good grace.

fwiw I think it’s an incredibly good thing that you have recognised a changeable stressor and a supportive husband who has your back. You guys sound like a good team.

£360 a month is extremely good value for better mental health. Those saying she should suck it up and do it, why? It is literally no skin off your nose, her kids have a mum who isn’t on the verge of complete overwhelm and surely in this day and age we should recognise mental health as worthy of attention as physical health.

also I can well imagine that hospital support worker role would be manageable. At ours, they support in feeding, chatting with patients and sorting stationary etc cupboards out. Well structured, one to one and in a calm environment. Not all wards are utter chaos!

good for you OP and let your husband support you in whatever way works best for you all as a family unit.

"suffering"?
she says the kids are happy
many children go to breakfast club and afterschool club every day - are they alll suffering?

and what therapies do you suggest for this situation?

wild

Yes I asked to move it here as I hadn’t realised this section existed till now and I’d posted in chat initially . I thought it may be a better place here for support