Chatty thread for ND mumsnetters

[whiskeyarmadillo]

I thought I'd try and start a friendly chatty thread here on the ND board. All are welcome. Bring a cuppa.

I'm whiskeyaramadillo. I'm late 40s and AuDHD. I have a ND parent and two ND children - my third DC is NT ish. I work full time and live on the western edge of London but my heart is firmly in the countryside which is where I grew up. I have one black and white cat who is my sunshine although he is in my bad books today after bringing in a mouse.

Today (Sunday) I'm sorting out my very very messy house - again. Making sure homework is done and uniforms are clean. Putting endless pants and socks in drawers. If I'm lucky I'll get to lie on the sofa and continue reading 'Wintering' by Katherine May or watch a bit of a crappy fantasy movie with a giant mug of tea.

What is everyone up to today?

Good morning! Well technically it’s morning but way too early (5am) 😴 I am in my early 40s, AuDHD. Ty @whiskeyarmadillo for the thread! 🙏 Hope you are well.

I’m on Fluoxetine and Propanolol, recently started both so I’m in the rough adjustment period for Fluoxetine. The Propanolol is a godsend though! It’s crazy what a different it makes to my anxiety. I was on Sertraline but GP moved me onto Fluoxetine as I had insomnia and weight gain and unfortunately it didn’t agree with me 😕

@almondmilk123 Is FOO family of origin? Very sorry you’re going through such a hard time 💐 I think it’s fine to talk about whatever is happening in your life, light-hearted or heavy. I hope you will be ok after the event today, it sounds very hard 💐

@QuitChewingMyPlectrum Wow you’re a dynamo! What is your degree in if you don’t mind me asking? Regarding medications, that’s a good tip. My DM, now passed, was on anxiety meds but not sure which one unfortunately.

Well today I have to go into the bank. I hate the bank, it gives me very high anxiety. Now I’m armed with Propanolol though so maybe it will go more smoothly this time 😆

Good morning

I'm massively relieved after my stressful social event went really well. I'm trying to get some distance from my sister without striking any horrid blows, to kind of funnel her into the thing that I want her to face - we need to talk about where our relationship fell apart or its never going to improve.

She has already decided no talking, or our relationship will explode. But i don't think she's quite realised that i also have an opinion - yes talking, or our relationship will wither.

I managed to be completely normal and friendly with her whilst keeping some distance, although DH told her to call me in a way that was unhelpful for my strategy.

Now I have to reverse out of being the one in the marriage with the huge stress into supporting my ADHD husband who has a startup business (you can imagine the tornado).

WakeMeUpForCoffee
thankyou and yes FOO is family of origin. Only picked that up myself on MN a few days ago. Finding the right meds is a lifesaver - i've been on fluosxetien so long i barely notice it, but have had recent battles with HRT which have come good. I hope your trip to the bank goes wonderfully well.

Hi QuitChewingMyPlectrum
I feel tired reading your post! but have been there as a younger woman, albeit not with music.

QuitChewingMyPlectrum

I love how we are straight in with Psychopharmagenetics - this is the kind of laser-precise contribution you wouldn't get on an NT chatty thread.

Hope you don’t mind me dumping this on a chat thread. I’m a second away from deleting it but thought I’d add it here rather than set up my own thread. Hello everyone by the way. I will get round to reading all your posts. It’s probably really rude of me to just crash in like this but here goes…!

I need to speak to someone. I’m 2 years now on NHS waiting list for official ADHD assessment. Self-referred to my local mental health team 3 years ago after finally giving in and wanting help. Tried 3 or 4 types of Anti-Depressants/Anti-Anxiety meds in the past to deal with my ‘depression’ - over a period of 20 or so years. Nothing worked. But I was desperate so tried again via NHS.

After 6 weeks of Zoom ‘CBT’ my therapist could see I wasn’t getting it and said he’d like to try something else. Gave me the old ADHD questionnaire (a couple actually) and said I seemed to fit the bill (my words) and he would refer me. 2 years later I’m still waiting although they have sent a letter and said it will probably be at least another year.

I’ve been online of course and seen all the Instagram posts. I’m getting sick of them to be honest. All this showing off of ‘look how many different types of drinks I’ve got on the go!’ posts. I have times when I think it’s all bollocks and I’ve got sucked into all and just need to give myself a good shake.

Yesterday though was horrendous. Basically my teenage DD broke down and told me how frustrated she gets. She hates to come home to the house being a tip, nothing done, and that her Dad has to do all the cooking and cleaning when he’s so tired after a busy day at work. And she hates how I make all these plans and rotas but abandon them and have all these great ideas but never follow them through. And, this bit hurt the most, she hates how I try and push all my ideas onto her and her sister because ‘you couldn’t achieve them in your life so you want us to achieve them for you’.

She was hysterical and she’s normally so level-headed and hard-working and good and we have a laugh together. But this just exploded out of no where. I sort of held back because I didn’t want it to turn into being all about me and ‘but poor me and my ADHD, take pity on me’ because she didn’t need that - she wanted listening to and there were other things bubbling in there I needed to get at.

But fuck me. The utter paralysis I felt. I sat there holding her, crying with her and felt - I’m supposed to be the mother here and I haven’t got a fucking clue what to do or say. And the rejection (yeah, yeah that old ADHD chestnut) was like a knife twisting in my guts. Self-loathing, sense of failure etc…

I don’t know what to do. I thought I would get up this morning early, start tidying up, plan dinner, go out and have a walk, join the gym, buy some storage boxes to organise the washing better. All I’ve managed is putting on a wash at 8am coming back to bed and am still here - have been watching ADHD videos on youtube, tried to research an App that might help me (can’t make up my mind there are so many), screenshotted articles and now it’s fucking midday 4 hours later. The only thing I’ve managed to achieve is to make myself cry again.

I know there are no easy solutions. But I can’t think what my next step should be - literally. I guess I’ll get dressed and brush my teeth and go out and buy something for dinner. But I don’t know what. I just feel so hopeless. Sorry everyone - so pathetic. I work part-time in a stress-free job - I’ve had a far more well-paying career in my pre-kids past but can’t cope with that now.

I want to pare my life down. Throw away all my hobby-related shite that clutters up the house. Bin all my millions of note books and jotters that I’ve made all my half-arsed plans in.

I’m on high blood-pressure medication and am Type 2 diabetic so chances are I won’t be able to take any ADHD medication even if I do get diagnosed.

Just feel so hopeless. I thought I was just helping my kids by encouraging them - I’m appalled I’ve come across as using them for my own unfulfilled ambitions. I can’t deny them this perception - if it’s what they feel, it’s what they feel. But I thought I was never pressuring them or being a ‘tiger mum’ / in many ways I thought I was too soft. My mum and dad never cared how I did at school as long as I wasn’t causing trouble. I did well at school - classic well-behaved, perfectionist day-dreamer.

Sorry for rambling will stop now. Promise I’ll come back when I’ve dug my way out of this slough. Thought you guys might at least understand the utter hopelessness I feel right now.

@Justhelp Glad you didn’t delete it 💐 I don’t have children and I find keeping the house tidy near impossible so I can imagine what a monumental task it must be with kids.

I know this is not possible or even desirable for everyone, but any chance on outside cleaning help? For me personally I can’t stand for strangers to be in the house so I just live in what passes as a tornado corridor, but for others I know it’s a godsend. Completely understand if finances don’t stretch for that as well. Other suggestion again would require money thrown at it but would private rather than NHS be an option? And if not, have you enquired about Right to Choose? Many people get seen much quicker by opting for that.

I’m not a GP of course but I believe there are non-stimulant medications that could be used in your case. These ones:

• atomoxetine
• guanfacine

@almondmilk123 So glad for you that it went well! 🙏 You must be feeling massively relieved. Oh wait that’s exactly what you said 😆

Regarding Fluoxetine I think it must be having some positive effect already because I was feeling quite grouchy on only 4.5 hours sleep, took it and am feeling a bit more calm. I was ready to bite people’s heads off prior 😅

@Justhelp
my daughter knows how to criticise me forensically and she gets a lot of it on social media. In our day, as kids, we wouldn't even have known about living your life vicariously through your kids, we wouldn't have come across it as a concept. So we wouldn't have been able to spring it on our parents. How much of it is just her talking that way as a generational thing? Not that there's nothing in it but it might not be as overwhelmingly true as she made it seem.

I could be totally wrong.

But you saying you held back because you didn't want it all to be about you.... that's a green flag that you're not such a crap parent.

knife in guts - can relate - that feeling of inner devastation. Hugs XXX

@WakeMeUpForCoffee
Law 🤦🏻‍♀️ although when I finish this one I'll be sorely tempted to do a neuroscience one 🤦🏻‍♀️ I have a very busy brain, even on meds so I constantly seek a challenge!

Hope everything went ok?

@almondmilk123 I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with your sister. My two girls are going through something similar. I don't know how it's ever going to get sorted and it's horrible to see one desperate to get things on an even keel and the other just wants to leave things

@Justhelp oh no, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.
I have a friend waiting for meds and she may not actually go for it now as she's found some success with
Lions mane
Saffron
Caffeine 🤦🏻‍♀️

Both supplements aren't hugely expensive and have helped her. Worth looking into?

@QuitChewingMyPlectrum don't know where I got the idea u were studying music from - the plectrum Probably

Wow you’re a powerhouse! 💪 And bank was much better than usual. Normally I have a panic attack and forget basic info but today (Ty medication) I was as serene as an alpine lake.

@almondmilk123 A throwback to my band days 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

@WakeMeUpForCoffee An alpine lake sounds like the best way to be! Well done you!!

So we're all ND and we're mostly if not all on meds. Huh.

I think it’s really common for ND people to struggle with anxiety and/or depression. Chronic stress / overwhelm, burnout, social isolation, bullying / stigma, feelings of low self-worth / feeling broken because we don’t fit into NT norms, difficulties with emotional regulation, and so on.

Thanks all for your replies. Have calmed down a bit now. But I need something to help me move forward. I keep going down rabbit-holes researching Lionsmane, micro-dosing mushrooms (of the magic variety) and just can’t find a way to decide. And all the Apps - has anyone on here found something that helps them.

I personally think I need a coach who wakes me up and just tells me what to do next - or pretend I have visitors arriving in the next hour to put a rocket up my backside! I’m only motivated by fear of being shamed or deadlines.

Sorry for not individually thanking people but thanks to those who mentioned the meds that can be taken by those with high blood pressure, the suggestion about getting a cleaner (I fear even if I could afford it I would have a hard time sorting out what needs done and then be ashamed because I HAVE THE TIME to do it all and am physically able) the kind words on parenting and for just not telling me to p**s off 😂

@Justhelp Try not to be too hard on yourself 💐 If you were physically able you would have done the things you want to do, surely? But as you have suspected ADHD, that’s classed as a disability. With hidden disabilities, we give ourselves a hard time as we seemingly should be able to do XYZ things. And also you mentioned struggling with depression (and anxiety?), again these are very common for ND people to be dealing with, and often debilitating in and of themselves. Be kind to yourself, and try not to compare yourself unfavourably with others 💐

’In the UK, the Equality Act 2010 sets out the legal requirement for employers to make reasonable adjustments in the workplace for employees or job applicants who have a disability or long-term health condition. ADHD qualifies for both. It also not uncommon for individuals with ADHD to have co-existing conditions – notably Anxiety and Depression.

Under the Act, a disability is defined as “a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on a person’s ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities.” It includes conditions such as physical disabilities, mental health conditions, learning disabilities, and chronic illnesses.’
https://adhduk.co.uk/reasonable-adjustments/

Sounds like me. I only identified as having burnout for the first time recently and i think its only come on since meno, but overwhelm all the time. I hope we can be perfect zebras together on this thread, as supposed to anxious and flawed horses.

We're not all the same. Some on here might be into numbers, some into psychoanalysis (err, guilty). some may have few words, others far too many (err, guilty),

Yes, I'm hyperverbal, special-interest-tastic and highly empathic in a wierd way that NTs invariably think is down to their own brilliance and cogency.

What are everybody else's traits?

Perfect zebras, I like that 🦓 😁

’Enhanced perceptual functioning’ - in other words, heightened attention to detail. This is something many autistic people possess. I’m highly analytical and a keen observer of human behaviour.

Never mind a thick skin, or even a normal skin, I have paper thin skin (thank you rejection sensitive dysphoria).

I’m very creative, and very messy. But I like to make lists and plan things out methodically.

I have an overly keen sense of smell, both good and bad in that I grow roses (have over 150 varieties 🌹 ) so I can pick out very delicate notes in the fragrance. On the flip side public toilets often leave me retching to the point I’ve started packing a little container of vick’s vapo-rub with me 🥴

I wear my socks inside out (hate the seam) so I can never wear all of those cute patterned socks because they just look like a mess of threads. People still gift me them from time to time.

I could go on 😆

@WakeMeUpForCoffee

so you're kind of like Sherlock Holmes?

I love the sense of smell and the 150 varieties of roses. That's incredible. I love roses too, but it's how they look. I obsess over them - i have a tiny courtyard and have picked six varieties with great care for certain qualities, although one or two are disappointing. I have climbing iceberg, Burgundy Ice, Warm Welcome, Ruby Rambler and Ena Sharples. My sense of smell was never anything special, but it disappeared when I had a tooth out and they punctured my sinuses.

I jump at loud noises but that's my main sensory issue, unless you count a loathing for the fatty rind on cuts of meat.

other than that I'm quite resilient to sensory stuff.

I can't tolerate a lot of stress - my executive functioning is crystalline and so exact, up to a point but beyond that it just falls to pieces. Nothing to be done.

'enhanced perceptual functioning' is that when you have 7 x as much info going into your brain as NTs? They talk about that on instragram a lot and it sounds like me.

It's why I can talk forever. So much in my brain.

analytica/messy - these contradiction resonate.

What does it all mean?

so you're kind of like Sherlock Holmes?

I wouldn’t go that far 😅

'Enhanced perceptual functioning' means having a heightened attention to detail vs NT people.

I have climbing iceberg, Burgundy Ice, Warm Welcome, Ruby Rambler and Ena Sharples.

Funnily enough I don’t have any of these! Although I am familiar. Once upon a time I did grow Climbing Iceberg though. Which ones do you find disappointing? Sorry about your sense of smell and the damage you had caused!

I have a lot going on in my head too, although I’m very quiet in person. People think I’m very shy and probably stereotype me because I am half Japanese as being ‘submissive’ or some bollocks like that because of it. Actually the reason I’m quiet is because in group settings I never know when to talk. And I prefer to observe. My mother used to say to me ‘still waters run deep’ 😆 Online I’m more chatty because it’s much easier. I used to play MMOs and in my guild I had people laugh out loud literally when I said I’m quiet.

@WakeMeUpForCoffee Ena Sharples is disappointing because its only one flush. it's an amazing one but by august it's gone. it claims to be repeat flowering but its not really - there are a few. I don't mind with Ruby Rambler because I knew it was only going to have a short flowering season.

Warm Welcome is also pretty much dead by august.

Burgundy Ice is ailing - it's in a pot and there are ants in it.

I think my soil may not be good - there are no earthworms.

Climbing Iceberg is amazing though. Iceberg is just altogether an incredible rose.

I forgot i've also got a creeping groundcover white rose. its in a pot but does well

Which are your favourites?

submissive or some bollocks 😂

PS I had an anxious message from a friend about her daughter wanting to identify as ND. Could I help her explain to her daughter that just because you have a few of the traits, that doesn't necessarily mean you're neurodiverse?

As you can imagine, this opened a can of worms. I was the wrong person to ask as i see neurodiversity as glorious and why wouldn't she want her daughter (who is totally ND as is her mum) to identify as ND?

Cue awkward long replies from me about why the neurodiversity movement is fabulous, while friend says identity politics is narcissistic and sucks energy from young people they should put into activism and other less navel-gazing activities.

She has a point, but I feel a bit hurt. She's very robust in lots of ways, earns a lot of money. I've struggled in employment, had lots of mental health problems. Is she saying I'm narcissistic and navel gazing?

It was interesting, but a hot potato for sure.

Also her daughter might be more sensitive than her, and might experience the idea of neurodiversity as a warm and reassuring hug.

I’ve struggled with being acutely aware of noises for as long as I can remember. I’ve lived in a lot of rented accommodation in my life and have been enraged by buzzing fridges, clicking pipes and radiators and my misophonia is getting worse. Constantly moving seats on buses and trains because people near me are chewing gum, eating noisily - and at home and on TV the sound of drinks being poured enrages me - and my partners breathing annoys me and my DDs chewing. I have to have music on or the TV on when eating if it’s too quiet. I also don’t get on well with ear buds and headphones - sometimes they actually make me breathless like I’m underwater especially noise cancelling ones. I’m a joy to be around! I have to keep a lid on it at work of course which is tiring.

ive come to reflect on my working life lately. I’ve had many, many jobs - I’ve not worked in one place for longer than 3 years and I’m in my late 50s now. Any outsider would see someone hard-working, who goes the extra mile, is meticulous, has attention to detail but the energy and constant re-checking over and over again, the proof-reading, the going in at weekends, being the last one to leave the office, the taking home of work - all the extra stuff I’ve done to be that person took its toll. Periods of burn-out where I’d have months off between jobs, sometimes years because I couldn’t keep up that pace. The not-quite-but-almost breakdowns. The huge hit to our finances. I’ve been in a long term relationship with an absolute rock who has kept our heads above water during these downtimes and financed me being at home with the kids for years. But when I say ‘kept our heads above water’, we’ve actually been in debt repayment plans twice after racking up huge debts. Currently in one now which is great because we don’t have credit cards anymore. I’m thinking my, as yet, undiagnosed ADHD has played its part in this financial chaos.

And I’ve had so many hobbies but have bored of them or just bought stuff that lies idle. My dining room is like a mausoleum to a million plans and creative projects. After my DD spoke to me the other day I just went in this room and thought about torching it all or buying a skip. It just sits there taunting me and demonstrating what a pathetic person I am.

But being able to differentiate between the scent of 150 roses made me smile. That’s beautiful and that’s where we need to channel our energy and attention - into the positive things this condition or difference might bring us - so thanks for sharing that.

Yet again, it’s midday and I’m still in bed - awake since 7 and doom-scrolling. Was supposed to just look at all the exercise plans I’d saved on my Instagram account so I could choose/draw up a 30 minute routine from the best ones. I’ve actually paid money and downloaded two different yoga/exercise programmes but they’re sitting on my phone unopened. Just about sums me up - 5 hours later and my arms are actually going to sleep from holding my phone and typing.

I will become a bit more interactive on this thread I promise! Just needing to vent at the moment and am glad I’ve found a place where people might understand. I certainly have thoughts on the whole ‘identifying’ into conditions subject but if I start on that now I’ll be here till midnight 😂