Chatty thread for ND mumsnetters

[whiskeyarmadillo]

I thought I'd try and start a friendly chatty thread here on the ND board. All are welcome. Bring a cuppa.

I'm whiskeyaramadillo. I'm late 40s and AuDHD. I have a ND parent and two ND children - my third DC is NT ish. I work full time and live on the western edge of London but my heart is firmly in the countryside which is where I grew up. I have one black and white cat who is my sunshine although he is in my bad books today after bringing in a mouse.

Today (Sunday) I'm sorting out my very very messy house - again. Making sure homework is done and uniforms are clean. Putting endless pants and socks in drawers. If I'm lucky I'll get to lie on the sofa and continue reading 'Wintering' by Katherine May or watch a bit of a crappy fantasy movie with a giant mug of tea.

What is everyone up to today?

@almondmilk123 My favourite roses 🤔 Probably Desdemona, Emily Brontë, and Lady Emma Hamilton. They discontinued LEH for some reason, it can get a tiny bit of rust but other than that it’s amazing. Gorgeous fruity fragrance and luminous colouring. Desdemona is very elegant, floriferous, easy, and the fragrance is spectacular. Emily Brontë I really love the antique colouring, and also it grows very upright which is useful. Beautiful flower form as well.

The identity politics is a tricky one for sure, very polarising. It sounds like your friend doesn’t believe her daughter really is ND? Has the daughter taken the screening test which she could take at home as a starting point?(AQ50 or AQ10). If it is suspected Autism, that is. Or is it ADHD? Or both, or something else? I’m wondering if your friend meant the identifying side of it is the part she takes issue with, or does she take issue with neurodivergence as a whole? I mean it’s kind of not up for debate whether it exists or not if so. I guess my stance on the identity part of it is you can identify with it being a disability or not, but you either are or are not ND. I can see from the daughter’s perspective why she would want to use that kind of language though if she is not sure but it makes her more comfortable to phrase it like that.

If it were me and she were my daughter, I would want to support her in pursuing whether she is or is not so that she can feel more secure in herself and also get help with school and so forth. I wish I had help growing up, I struggled with school and with employment. As a child and teenager, I pretended to be sick as a way to take huge chunks of time out of school, and had to drop out of uni. Employment has been a disaster. I work part-time at home self-employed as that’s what I can manage. I would love to have a career but not in the cards for me. Same for me with the mental health issues, I’m only now getting to grips with managing it. I hope your friend’s daughter will be ok.

The noise issues must get annoying! My only noise issue is when I (rarely) go to the cinema, I bring my Beats noise cancelling headphones to drown out the ads and then lower the volume of the actual film. Why is it so loud?!

Any outsider would see someone hard-working, who goes the extra mile, is meticulous, has attention to detail but the energy and constant re-checking over and over again, the proof-reading, the going in at weekends, being the last one to leave the office, the taking home of work - all the extra stuff I’ve done to be that person took its toll.

I get this completely, I’m the same.

And I’ve had so many hobbies but have bored of them or just bought stuff that lies idle. My dining room is like a mausoleum to a million plans and creative projects. After my DD spoke to me the other day I just went in this room and thought about torching it all or buying a skip. It just sits there taunting me and demonstrating what a pathetic person I am.

We moved in to this house 6 years ago and the painting still isn’t done 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ Half-finished projects everywhere. I enjoy painting as a hobby and our spare room is full of painting stuff but due to depression I haven’t felt like painting in two years. I feel like it’s taking up much-needed space but I keep hoping I’ll feel like doing it again. Now that I’m finally on meds maybe the inspiration will eventually come back to me. I’ll post one of the last ones I worked on.

And vent away!

Did anyone catch the aurora last night?! I was so excited 😹

@WakeMeUpForCoffee no - that looks so belle - how do you know one is coming?

I use an app called AuroraWatch UK which gives a push notification.

Also I don’t know why I said last night instead of tonight, it was happening when I posted. Now it was last night 🥴 Too excited probably 🙄

that aurora picture is so beautiful 😍

WakeMeUp love your painting! Keep on with it - you’ve started up again - that’s a big breakthrough. Seems we share the same tendencies with the creative side of things. Once I’ve sorted out all the paperwork I dumped all over the two tables in the dining room, I might be able to get cracking again. You’ve spurred me on 😊Thank you!

Just jumping in here. I'm deep into burnout right now so not making huge sense. I didn't know I could be autistic until my dd disclosed her self harm and then everything snowballed to now where she is on the RTC pathway for both autism and ADHD. Of course now autism (specifically late diagnosed) is my new special interest. I can't get enough content, books (reading my 14th), podcasts, videos.... You name it. I went to the GP after several breakdowns at work and he diagnosed anxiety and burnout and gave me sertraline which has been so helpful. Happily he has been seeing my daughter so knows our backstory. I have paired life right back, using things like headphones and a weighted blanket and doing things which brings me joy. I saw him this week for a catch up and I was only comfortable sitting on the floor, rocking with a squishy in my hands, unable to give eye contact. I asked if I could be autistic and if this is autistic burnout. He agreed. Now in the position of probably wanting a diagnosis, my GP will support it when I'm ready, having therapy through work and feeling so unsure of myself and who I am. I feel I've masked hard for over 40 years I don't know who I am.
Hope that mind dump made sense.

Hi all, this meme sums up how I'm feeling this week. A situation has happened where I know I am right, but I know my reaction to it is very much over the top. I think everyone hates me when they've probably forgotten about it, but that also means they hate me too! Argh!!!!!

That is a highly relatable meme!

That sounds hard. 💐Glad you've started the diagnosis pathway.

Hi all - my DTS1 (9) has recently been suggested as having ADHD, I've been looking into it to see how best to help him and realised I probably have it too - I just had no idea that some of the traits could apply to me, I definitely don't have his hyperactivity!

I do however suffer from an overwhelming desire to be more organised but lack the skills/ energy to actually get there I was thinking earlier that I have no idea how people who have constantly tidy houses manage it... my house is reasonably clean and tidy but I really have to keep my nose to the grindstone to keep it that way, and even now I could spend at least another hour cleaning the kitchen for it to look not that much different. My Sundays are mainly spent keeping on top of the housework @whiskeyarmadillo! I did have some success with The Organised Mum Method - I had a massive declutter at the end of last year which really helped - but how I can keep the house clean in the time she allocates to it, I do not know.

@Justhelp there's a good TOMM app if you want something to help with housework - you can tick off the cleaning as you do it - it also includes some recipes and you can link it to the audio cleaning session, if that's something which would help you. I've been there too with the debts - still no good with money, TBH, but thankfully DP is - and I have several planners all purchased in the hope that this would be the one that helped...

I haven't tried anti depressants yet but it was interesting to read from @QuitChewingMyPlectrum about the genetic link of medication - my DM was on anti depressants for years (I think Valium or similar, this is going back a good few years) as she just couldn't cope with life in general. I'm of an age now (48) when HRT would also be useful.

I'm hoping to learn more about ADHD in general to help DS, and probably me too. If anyone has any tips about meal planning I would be immensely grateful to hear them, as this skill completely eludes me and always has apparently it's very common in people with ADHD to not be able to plan, shop, prep, cook etc effectively, especially when you add in that you might be cooking different things for people. I'm also terrible at reading recipes but am learning that there are cookbooks which say they can help with that!

I think the idea behind the 30 minutes a day clean with Team TOMM is you only do the worst bits in the 30 minutes, then the next week you do the worst bits again, but they will be different bits as what you did the previous week will still be vaguely clean. And the 15 mins a day section is to keep on top of the main bits e.g by vacuuming the main areas daily the dirt from outside is not getting elsewhere.

Knowing the theory off by heart, and actually getting it done are two separate hobbies for me though! I try and swap between Team TOMM and Dana K White to try and stop getting bored with it all. Fairly miserably!

Evening all,

I read somewhere to write a list of what you want your life to look like in all areas (home, work, health, social life / family, etc) and then come up with ways to make it a reality.

Easier said than done but it was motivational. Haven’t done it yet though 😜

@MadameWombat I think that's the general TOMM idea, but where people find the time to do even an extra 15 minutes cleaning some days just escapes me...!

@WakeMeUpForCoffee I really enjoyed the Gregg Wallace podcast about goal setting, which is along the lines you've mentioned - it was very clear, and instructive. Have I done it? Of course not all those Piece of Cake podcasts are pretty good actually - I like the Marisa Peer one too. Maybe one day I will actually follow up on my goal setting?!

Struggle with housework too. I made a TeamTomm style cleaning daily rota to try and regain the chaos but I got as far as writing it all out and sticking it inside the kitchen door. The actual cleaning and tidying has escaped me. I just can't do it, I get so overwhelmed. I know breaking it all down into smaller chunks is the way to do it but I just can't start.
When I do manage to do it I find starting in one corner of the room and going around in a circle around the room until I get to where I started works well. It stops me flitting around getting distracted.

The housework overwhelms me too @CanIGetAHighFive honestly I don't know where I'd find an extra half an hour on top of all the housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry sorting, making packed lunches etc that I usually do... it's a great idea but I would need to work (very) part time for that to work for me.

Spoke to DTS1's support worker about my idea of him having ADHD, she agreed that it sounds likely but warned me that any sort of diagnosis would be likely to take years she's going to signpoint me to some courses it would be useful for me to go on in the meantime!

I've struggled with housework too because it's boring and my joints hurt. Recently i've started to listen to true crime podcasts on headphones while I do the housework. it cuts me off from my children somewhat but it soothes my trauma (this is a thing) and bloody hell I can keep going forever. It's like rocket fuel. Kitchen is spotless every night, laundry gets put away, clutter gets cleared from every corner of the house. I listen to Casefile which is v good on making the mystery unfold in a gripping way. Some are so sad and awful but they happened, what difference does it make me knowing about it? I add my sadness into the cosmic pot of sadness for those victims. Having said that, is there a loop where true crime encourages crime? I'm now starting to doubt myself.

Having said that, is there a loop where true crime encourages crime? I'm now starting to doubt myself.

I don’t think True Crime encourages crime. More women than men listen to / watch True Crime stories, I believe as a survival response (like fore-armed is fore-warned kind of thing). The last one I watched was the Dahmer Netflix documentary and that was so chilling and well-done (if that makes sense) that it still haunts me. I don’t usually listen to / watch them because I’m extremely sensitive and these sorts of stories stick with me for a long time.

True crime is not my thing either, I get stuck in a loop ruminating over and over about it. I watched the documentary about Nicola Bulley this week and I can't get her out of my head. I'm listening to loads of autism podcasts right now which are fascinating and affirming. Oh and I had written the plan to clean my house but not actually actioned it. That part escapes me!

@CanIGetAHighFive At least you’ve written the plan! That’s a step further than me 😆

@2@WakeMeUpForCoffee thanks for your kind words. It is mainly women i guess, and the reasons we listen are complex. It's not for everybody but I'm one of those people who finds it almost soothing. I used to only like horror books and films, and draw the line at true crime as a bit immoral as its about real people, but now that it powers me through the housework I've given in. There is empathy, morality and wisdom in the podcasts, they're not just 'and then this awful thing happened'. But there's a lot of that, to be fair.

I'll never be catfished, though.

@CanIGetAHighFive what autism podcasts? I'd love to know.

I get most of my autism food for thought from Instagram. There are a lot of people glorying in the freedom of unmasking which I love, but recently I've seen a few reels challenging the idea that so many people are autistic. They're just getting on the bandwagon and exploiting the identity etc.

I'm not totally sure I'd pass as autistic with these people but I do think we need new concept of 'the spectrum'. Same for aDHD probably.

There are people who have a foot in both camps - NT and ND. The ND movement is good for them as it liberates them from the smaller amount of masking they have to do. They shouldn't have to feel guilty about that. No longer having internalised ablism about their own ND traits, they will also become allies of the more fully ND people as a result, creating a more ND-friendly world.

Even very NT people can benefit - they may have one ND trait that troubles them and this can help them make peace with it. And that has nock-on positive effects for the ND people..

I do believe the line between NT and ND is culturally designated, but we do need one so the medium ND people don't steal all the limelight. They could easily do so with their NT traits.

I dunno, just chewing it over.

@almondmilk123 so it kind of depends what you like. I've been listening to Neurodivergent Conversations alot. They are 2 American mental health professionals (one has written a book I liked Self Care for Autistic People by Dr Megan Anna Neff) and they discuss their own neurodivergence, experiences and have guests etc. I like them, they are relatable and not too in your face. I also listen to My Friend Autism- this is an Australian guy who talks about his own autistic experiences. He can be funny and a bit annoying. Autistic at 40 is a good one too- a British woman's experience of being late diagnosed autistic. I also started on the Hidden 20% today which is a guest interview podcast- a British one. I will listen to more on this as it's about neurodivergence is general and I am exploring autism and ADHD right now. I find listening to podcasts while I'm out with my noise cancelling headphones on a total game changer.
There ends my information dump✌🏻

Does anyone have PDA? I’m researching coping strategies but it’s bloody hard to have this ‘form’ of Autism. My husband is trying to be positive and show me ways it’s helped me in my life (he’s right) but it does make things difficult when my go-to response is like a petulant 5 year old yelling ‘no!’. I guess knowledge is power though and it’s better to know myself more thoroughly even if I don’t like it 😆

@CanIGetAHighFive I listen to ADHD podcasts too, find them very useful! At the moment my favourite is Hacking Your ADHD which @almondmilk123 may also like

@WakeMeUpForCoffee I don't know much about PDA but there's a useful Facebook page/ website called PDA Parenting you may want to take a look at?

The DC went to after school club today as I had an appointment after school, they very rarely go as TBH they don't need to, I finish work in time to collect them from school... well, as soon as DTS1 got out he EXPLODED he'd actually enjoyed most of the club but then got tired, hungry, thirsty etc and started his usual habit of looking round and finding something to trigger his meltdown. Today he blamed DTS2 for 'passing him something too hard and squashing his finger' - that may be true but doesn't justify his screaming, hitting, running away and throwing his school coat on the floor in a temper. What a day...