For me this sums up MNHQ treatment of autistic posters

[StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople]

I took this screenshot today of my two watched threads and I thought a good visual representation of the ableism autistic people face here.

one thread where non-autistic people get to spread misinformation about autism and another where the OP wanted to talk about ableism in general. Of course it ended up with two non-autistic people asking us over and over to justify ourselves.

one is on thread 6, the other has been deleted (they say hidden but it has been 24+ hours)

i feel so despondent. Knowing this is how society sees us just makes everything too much of a struggle. I’m an inconvenience. I don’t think enough about how non-autistic people are adversely impacted by me. I don’t matter.

being autistic is so fucking shit. We’re the blame-magnets of society. I want to shut my eyes and mind.

I haven't read all the comments, but all I can see is a support thread? Have I missed something?

A support thread where the vast majority of the people they are complaining about are not diagnosised autistic. Just some arm chair diagnosis attributing every shitty behavior to autism.

Bored of all the posts and threads of oh my husband is a wanker who doesn't do anything to help me, out late and is a twat to me and games all the time.

5 posts in "do you think he might be autistic?"

I know how you feel op, it wears you down

Oh I see! Yes ok I hate them comments "DH is a dick, I think he may have....." or maybe he's NT and you know, just a dick! Sorry the few comments I read seemed to be from posters with Neurodiverse partners.

I'm in support of support threads if they are genuine, but that's mainly because I know my habits must be strange for my NT DH. (Well I know they are because he always asks why I do XYZ). If he wants to have a moan about me (as I do about him now and again) i would rather it be with strangers than to people we know. I would hate to think of him having a rant about me for something I can't help to people I know.

I had to hide that thread but a new one keeps popping up.

Autistic does not = arsehole.

You are not at all wrong OP, sadly.

That’s an awful thread and I can’t believe it’s been allowed to continue. Many 💐

Oh look, now there's another thread where people can bitch about all their autistic family members.

I genuinely think there are posters on here with the specific purpose of trolling autistic people. They plop onto threads basically saying autism doesn't exist and plop off again.

Half the threads by parents of autistic children I am sure are made up.

'Oh they are so awful, I wish they didn't exist' type thing. Posts and posts of sympathy for the 'poor' OP and so much awful hate for autistic people.

I am not always good at spitting trolls but I am certain many of those types of thread are utter crap.

I haven’t seen the new bashing thread. Lovely.

I think so many people see any autistic person who is able to post as someone who has no disability, only negative character traits.

They think “high functioning” means breezes through life with an enormous intellect, gets to high positions and doesn’t give a shit about anyone but themselves (where high functioning actually means an IQ over 70)

They think we deliberately mask to trap partners and then once we are married we reveal our true selves

they think we do not suffer. They think they know how we operate. They think we are happy to pootle away in our own little world.

They think we can never ever change our minds because we have “rigid thinking”

and now they are applying a term usually used for sexually/psychologically abusive relationships (“DARVO” - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). This is beyond the pale - basically stating we are offenders.

and then when you ever try to correct someone e.g. the use of the term “mild autism” it’s like a pack of hungry wolves round a captured animal. The group bullying mentality is there to see in all its ugly glory.

The big problem is that many posters don’t have the empathy or intelligence to understand that our disability is truly hidden. And of course we are (well I am) the worst at being able to articulate our emotions, feelings and just end up accepting any applied to us as it’s less confrontational and ends the interaction sooner.

I face this in real life too and I just don’t have the energy any more to face it anymore. I’m severely (clinically) depressed at the moment and I just don’t see how life gets better. I’m a nuisance and an inconvenience.

Agree. I also hate the phrase "he's a bit autistic" ah!!!

I've just returned home from a children's party and I honestly don't think me or my daughter enjoyed it. So bloody loud, trying to keep up with conversations is exhausting. I don't think NT understand how much f**king effort we put in to fit in!!

I'm exhausted and depressed after a recent meltdown and feeling guilty because my DH had to cope with it. I don't need NT posters to tell me how rubbish I am, I tell myself every single day.

I’m a nuisance and an inconvenience.

I promise you, you are not. I’m so sorry you feel like this and couldn’t read without letting you know that I don’t know you, but I think you’re amazing just as you are. I know the world is difficult, I have a tendency to shut myself away because I find it hard with anxiety. But I promise you, some of us out there really do enjoy the company of neurodiverse people and prefer it. I just hope you find people that make you feel important and valued x

I remember when that “support” thread started up and there were quite a few posters offering suggestions and insights and within a couple of pages it was very obvious that it was never about support, just a nasty, ignorant, judgemental thread.

I’m really sorry for the posters who are triggered by it - and it’s hard not to be, but we are not the problem. Or at least in the context of relationships, we often aren’t the biggest part of the problem. EDJAS Empathy Deficient Judgemental Arseholery Syndrome isn’t a clinical definition yet.

@WahineToa

thank you- that is an incredibly kind post

its just so hard to see all the shit written about us. Today’s gem was that we get a “dopamine high” from controlling people so we seek to create such situations to get another hit. It’s just pathetic. Why are they allowed to blame everything on autism? (I did report but MNHQ say it’s a reasonable comment)

I’m sorry, that’s awful and I’m shocked it’s allowed. It’s not fair! I am surrounded by people with autism, my DH is the least controlling person I’ve ever met in my life and I have never ever thought that at all in general about autistic people. Not remotely. I think the need to have some control over one’s surroundings is real and indeed, reasonable given the sensory demands. But that doesn’t make an autistic person, ‘controlling’ as such. It’s absolutely not a good observation so please don’t take it to heart.

I'm autistic and ADHD and so was my dad, he was also low in empathy. Some autistic people have ASPD, so do some neurotypicals. The same people that scream at you for using the term 'personality disorder' on Mumsnet and quite happy to attribute lack of empathy to autism.

the Problem we have is that so many (with very notable and appreciated accepting on this thread!) frame their partner’s autism around how it affect them, and not the autistic individual.

people don’t know how much I struggle. Not just because I mask, but because I cannot communicate how I’m feeling (and my face never reflects my thoughts).

I agree about the need to control surroundings (not people). For example, the route I drive to work is carefully been optimised so that I have no right hand turns on busy routes. This means I don’t have uncertainty over long the journey will take. My route is longer in distance, and 9/10 times probably in time too, but I do t have uncertainty.

if a plan changes at short notice it sends my mind into cartwheels too. So I will resist - or will have to reflect and my initial “no” may turn into a “actuallly that’s probably fine”. Am I being controlling? I really don’t think I am - I just don’t cope with uncertainty, transition and change.

And Yes the bloody “no empathy” thing drives me absolutely mad.

im an explosion of empathy - it consumes me - but I don’t convey it in a NT manner.

I totally understand what you say, I get so frustrated when people say those on the spectrum lack empathy. It’s not true at all. It’s a different way of expressing it. My DH used to say he could switch off emotions, as a coping tool when overwhelmed. It sounds similar to your explosion of empathy.
I don’t think what you describe is controlling at all! I wonder if people like me who get anxiety understand sensory sensitivity better than someone who doesn’t get anxiety? all I can think is, why would you want someone to suffer and feel overwhelmed if you could arrange and do things to eliminate or limit it? I know my family members with autism have a tough day out there with so much going on overstimulating them, like transport! Such a stress. it’s really not a big deal to accommodate their needs and make home everything they need, exactly as they want it. I don’t think that’s me being controlled, or ‘affected’, it’s about us working together as a family to make it a home everyone can come back to and feel really relaxed. They need that break. I get plenty back in other ways, like with any family :)

I can’t tell you how reassuring and refreshing it is to hear your approach!

thank you.

the Problem we have is that so many (with very notable and appreciated accepting on this thread!) frame their partner’s autism around how it affect them, and not the autistic individual.

What do you mean by this? If someone is experiencing extreme emotional distress in significant part due to their partner's autism they surely have every right to devote some time and attention to it - their wellbeing is not less important than the autistic person's wellbeing. Or do you mean something different by framing their partner's autism around how it affects them?

It's not less important, but it's not more important either.

It's interesting how even on the board dedicated to ND posters; even on a thread about how we are treated unfairly, even then, there is someone jumping on to defend how we affect others.

How about no?

That's not what this board or thread is about.

This is a space given to us, for us, for support.

Even when we talk about the lack of support or understanding in this site in our own space someone comes along to trample us down.

Enough already

Well said.