Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

[IncompleteSenten]

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me.

Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why.

My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

Divorced but I’ve been there. Ok if I hang around?

I have diagnosed ADHD and autistic traits but not autistic, so hope it's ok to join in. I identify with some things raised, definitely the not wanting to be touched/hugged when I'm busy doing things. In fact being hugged in bed or watching TV is the only time I am ok with being hugged. I dread when I'm in the kitchen when he arrives home from work because it's always an awkward hug situation.
Also I really hate being touched when I'm eating, by anyone, even the kids. That one always makes me feel like the family dog when I try to explain myself.

I can't stand when I get a long rambling story about something mundane when there is no highlight/punch line, particularly when I started the conversation. For eg, I mentioned something about the electric scooters in our city to my partner, and he told me when he was in a different city the week before he got off at a particular station from another particular station, walked a particular route that wasn't the way he'd usually go, told me his colleagues went a different way, described the weather and blah blah blah, and I'm getting increasingly confused and frustrated that I don't know where he is going with this, and I'm trying to be patient, but eventually I can't take it and ask him how this is relevant and he says oh, on his walk someone went past on one of those scooters and it just reminded him. It gives me the rage, because he isn't conversing, he's talking AT me, at length, with no invitation to join in. But he thinks I'm rude and impatient and anti social when I get frustrated?

Another regular disagreement we have, is how he orders food. Wether it's a drive through, or a cafe or a restaurant, he will often start ordering before he knows what he wants, and he will ask questions he could easily find the answer to if he read the menu. I find it really rude and time wasting for them, yet he says I'm totally wrong and he's being social and I'm the weird one. If we were in a small restaurant with no-one waiting then maybe he'd have a point, but in a busy queue and short staffed franchises then no! It's not the same.

When we argue, I really need to be left alone to cool down, but he will follow me to try and resolve the situation immediately because I guess he feels he can't cool down until it is resolved so that causes a lot of unnecessary escalations. He also tries to resolve things with phrases like 'I'm sorry if you think I' about something he did do. I can't let things go. Ever. So I can't move on with that. I'm insanely pedantic, and I can't apologise for things I don't feel to keep the peace, or accept insincere apologies. On the other hand, I do feel that I am aware and accepting of my own flaws, and I like to deal with this by humour, but my partner doesn't share the same sense of humour. Humour about my own and others flaws is how I bond with people, but it just doesn't work with my partner.

Probably autistic (on a long waiting list for diagnosis); both DC diagnosed autistic; XH (DCs' dad) probably autistic but doesn't want a diagnosis. I have an amazing NT DP of four years. We don't live together yet, and I'm worried I'll turn into a grumpy fucker when we do - I like my alone time, and he's an extrovert 😬

Sorry. I didn't mean to imply only people with their dx could join!! All ND welcome!!

But please, can we have this thread for us?

If you are NT with an ND partner then this thread is probably the one you want.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4112286-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-5

Oh yes, I'm autistic cos a FB quiz said so. 🙄 I hate that.

Oh there's just so much I can absolutely relate to! I don't even know where to start.

Jokes are hard! I don't mean when the person is telling a knock knock joke or something. I mean when they say something and I'm expected to know if they mean it or they're joking.

I ask my husband is that a joke or are you serious? And then sometimes hell laugh and I'll get cross and say no, I mean it. Are you joking?

Social rituals don't make sense to me.

Eg "would you like to come in for a coffee"

I tell this story a lot but when a school mum was dropping her child to play with mine, I asked her if she wanted to come in and have coffee and she said no (oh I can't, something like that) and I said ok, see you later bye and shut the door.

Apparently she did want to come in, according to my husband. I wasn't supposed to say ok bye. I was supposed to ask her if she was sure, then she'd say if it's no bother, then I'd say not at all then she'd say thanks and cone in.

And WE'RE the odd ones?

Do you want a coffee?
Yes thanks.

Isn't that just easier?

Repeat with gift giving and all sorts of stuff. It is exhausting!

I also feel like an outsider observing the population. I feel detached, I know why things are done the way they are but I think it's unnecessarily complicated.

I think I just get so tired of being expected to perform 'NT', if anyone knows what I mean.

Hello, I would like to join in please. No dx as there is no adult diagnosis where I live, but two of my DC have diagnoses and the littlest is ND in some way but catching me surprise as I don’t think autistic.

I feel bad for DH as he is naturally a partner who does 50-50 but most of the time he does far more than that and is far more productive career wise than me. I think he’s actually my carer but we both sort of pretend otherwise.

@IncompleteSenten, you made me laugh with the weather thing as my autistic DS is like your NT DH and will tell your everything you never wanted to know about a subject before providing the two-word answer you were looking for!

Jokes are tough. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed at a comedy show. I don’t get the point of most comedy programmes except stand up.

Does anyone else struggle with TV programmes and films with lots of male characters? Unless they have vastly different skin/hair/clothes I’m constantly asking DH which is which because I have no idea. Women are easier for some reason.

By the way, I’m really glad you called this a support thread.

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation

I am consistently surprised and impressed by NT peoples lack of self awareness. Thanks for demonstrating.

It must be a theory of mind issue 😆

@EatSleepRantRepeat

Haha at least you've cracked the MIL *@LilyRed*! Sadly I find it makes me a shit line manager as I take everything at face value, so its hard to manage a team - never mind all their personal dramas I can't get my head around. Thankfully I prefer working alone anyway. Tbh I've taken an ignorance is bliss approach with some other lying gits!

I hated (and was totally shit at) supervising people too- apparently NTs don't like honest feedback on their work. The nuances of work politics baffles me daily.

I can't express how happy I am to have found this little community 😊

What is like likelihood we could get our own subforum?

Hello, please can I join? I'm awaiting dx after decades of being told I'm odd, awkward, difficult, weird, anti-social, different and the like. I'm single and a mum of 3 with various degrees of ND traits. It's exhausting trying to navigate myself and the dc. Thank you for this thread.

Just saying hello and I like this thread. I'm autistic and "other" thread has made me feel small, pathetic and pained for years, I try to hide them whenever I see them - they consistently make me feel like something disgusting on someone's shoe.

@bobbythevet I think that’s such a good idea.

@bobbythevet

I can't express how happy I am to have found this little community 😊

What is like likelihood we could get our own subforum?

I would love a subforum

I suspect that I am on the ASD spectrum
What would a good test be to take? I think a GP visit may help but am I right in thinking thiswould takea long time?

This is me typically

I hated (and was totally shit at) supervising people too- apparently NTs don't like honest feedback on their work. The nuances of work politics baffles me daily.

What a great idea for a thread OP.

So I am just waiting for my final assessment sometime in the next 3m. Been through two pre assessments already and scored highly. Am convinced I have ASD and also ADHD. Also have one diagnosed daughter and a younger one who is just about to be assessed.

My husband is thoroughly NT! We had no idea that I was autistic until our eldest was diagnosed age 3 (she's now 6). So I can do the husband/relationship perspective and the parent perspective too for those who want to chat about that at well.

Issues with husband:

• He cannot get it through his otherwise normally intelligent head that I cannot concentrate on two or more noises at once. This includes him speaking to me when I'm on the phone (I hate being on the phone anyway, would rather text) or him speaking to me if I'm dealing with one of the children. He then wonders why i snap at him.
• I have huge difficulties driving anywhere unfamiliar, I don't do it I am very much a local driver. Since I've been on the pathway he has been much more understanding about this but it's frustrated him for years.
• I can't deal with plans changing, things being sprung on me, people being in my space for really extended periods. He is getting better at planning and giving me notice of changing plans but it's cause issues over the years.

Children, the only thing I find really really hard is their noise. My word, the noise. Clashing, conflicting noise, argh argh argh. Oh also I find it monumentally hard to keep my game face on dealing with school for my eldest as she has an EHCP and I insist that they follow it. I did a parent led EHCP for my child and it took blood sweat and tears to get it, I'll be damned if they aren't going to do as it says and support my child properly. It's tough, because she's very very able, academically advanced but socially finds things so tough she has full time 1-1 support. Typical masking girl (and basically a mini me!).

For those who are noise sensitive like me I really recommend Flare Audio Calmer. I got some at Christmas and they're game changing for me! Very discreet too.

@JackTheHack

This is me typically

I hated (and was totally shit at) supervising people too- apparently NTs don't like honest feedback on their work. The nuances of work politics baffles me daily.

Oh god yes this!

I'm a sahm now (and a carer to my autistic child) but when I was a manager at work pre children (and pre having any inkling that I was autistic) I found person management the most difficult thing ever.

People don't like factual, truthful, polite feedback. Who knew! My friend in HR always used to say I expected people to work like robots, not people (she was joking, sort of, I think) and I used to say I didn't understand why people couldn't just come to work and do their jobs without fuss.

@JackTheHack

I suspect that I am on the ASD spectrum What would a good test be to take? I think a GP visit may help but am I right in thinking thiswould takea long time?

My GP sent me an AQ-10 form to complete when I asked for a referral.

Once that was done and we'd had a chat, he made the referral and the clinic sent me a full version of the form (the AQ form) and a load of other paperwork/questionnaires to complete.

Once I'd done that and they'd assessed it they agreed I qualified for a 'full' assessment. That was May last year and I should have the full assessment in the next 3m. So will be around a year in total here, but I know it varies massively by area.

If you can afford private assessment it's around 2k. Would be weeks, rather than months. We did/are doing private for my children because I didn't want to wait for them. I'm not in crisis or needing to access support at school etc so I was happy to wait and do mine on the NHS.

You can find the AQ forms online. But you're best off going to your GP in the first instance.

I emailed MNHQ with my suggestions from the other thread yesterday:

Rename SN section SEND
Have a subsection Neurodiverse Mumsnetters
If you agree or have similar ideas maybe email them?

Morning everyone, I’m still trying to recover from a meltdown I had which takes a few days.

My DH is wonderful but when we argue, I switch off completely. I feel like my brain can’t absorb the words which are being shouted at me. It’s like an extra loud sensory overload & information overload at the same time. I shut down completely.

He’s learning not to shout when he’s pissed off. And I’m learning to walk away.

When I’m in the wrong it affects me deeply. I hate upsetting people. So I’m learning to apologise faster to de-escalate the argument.

It’s working well but I HATE the assumption that autistic people don’t have empathy.

I swear my heart breaks more than others. I get an upset stomach when I’m upset.

Great thread!

I am looking at starting the process for dx this year. My two children have asd, as does lots of wider family including my Dad.

I'm not in a relationship but I am trying to date which I'm really really bad at. The getting to know you stuff is hard and I just expect people to do what they say then they don't and it's so confusing!

Anyway will look forward to reading this thread 😀

I'd like to join too 🙂 I'm fairly recently diagnosed and am almost 40. I've suffered from anxiety since I was very young and always found it hard to make friends. My dh is very extroverted and so is my dd so that can be hard sometimes. I'm glad this thread was started, what a great idea.

@ofwarren

My DH is pretty good but we do have our issues. He struggles to accept ar times that there isn't further meaning behind my words or expressions. He will say, "what do you mean by that?" or, "what was that look for?" I don't have control over my facial expressions, just listen to my words!

This is a lightbulb moment for me - of course! It drives me mad when DH answers a question that he thinks is what I mean but isn't what I actually asked. I am not subtly making a point or skirting round something, I just want to know exactly what I asked!

My son is autistic and I am awaiting diagnosis for myself. I struggle with many things because my husband is “normal”. The biggest problem is that I have no friends so when he’s not with me I’m alone, and I don’t have “mum friends” so our son has nobody to play with. I’m also under-employed because employers don’t click with me so I can’t get hired for the jobs I’m qualified for, and he sometimes complains because with my qualifications he expected me to earn the same as him.

I also can’t handle multiple sensory inputs and he doesn’t understand or respect that. He plays background music and it prevents me doing anything else, I can’t read (or craft, or even cook and follow a written recipe) because the music prevents me from concentrating. He talks to me when I’m doing another task and then gets annoyed when I don’t register what he’s saying. He constantly makes noise by singing and when I ask him to stop because it’s upsetting me, he says I’m selfish and I don’t want him to be happy.

I also struggle to notice things, I’m largely oblivious. He constantly complains that I’m messy and I don’t even register that I’ve dropped a crumb or made a smudge. I don’t notice there’s a pile of dishes or feel any urgency to deal with them. I sometimes forget to eat and he gets annoyed if I haven’t cooked a meal.

There are other issues but these are the main ones. One of the reasons I’m seeking a diagnosis is so he will finally respect that I have genuine problems and I’m not just being difficult.