Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

[IncompleteSenten]

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me.

Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why.

My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

Hi all. This is a fantastic idea for a thread. Myself and DD (10) are both currently undergoing diagnosis, but I have 50 years of feeling different under my belt.

I've only just realised (divorced) and had several long term relationships that I just cannot do relationships. I can't do people. Well I can in small doses, but I can't live with them (except my rather awesome DD) I would go on holiday with a friend when I was 18 and we'd get back and she would be all tearful and saying how she would miss me. I would be absolutely running for some me time. Had a nice holiday, yes, but I love nothing better than being holed up on my comfort zone. My own company and my little rituals and obsessions going unnoticed. I guess that's the bottom line really. It's about no longer having to perform. You can be yourself. No masking required.

My last boyfriend would come round after work. I'd make some dinner then by 7.30pm I'd be fidgeting for him to leave. I would no longer be able to concentrate on what he was saying. It all became very overwhelming and the last straw was his selfishness of his own mental health struggles. The sort of guy who rips the piss out of everyone, but hates it done to him by others and berates them for it. Then acknowledges that he is the worst offender. I simply cannot work out how someone like this just cannot control this behaviour. It is alien to me. He alao has zero self awareness. I would be woken at 7am on a Sunday morning to him scrolling through social media on his phone. He would turn towards me and there would be videos blaring in my ear. To be honest, I've come to the conclusion that he is just an arsehole. But he also had some good qualities. And that's the thing that gets me with a lot of NT people. Their lack of awareness. And so I keep myself away from them. Don't socialise, head down on the school run, avoid the knobhead uncle with his right wing views because no, I can't just smile and nod. I find some of them rather damaging.

By contrast, even though life it difficult occasionally when DD is melting down for example. I find it a wonderfully reassuring bubble that we are in. One of mutual understanding and respect. One of little effort. I'm happy with my life as it is. My mother used to worry I'd be lonely. I'm anything but. And she understands why now. And my DD is the only person I ever want to hug. Years of being told or feeling obliged to hug relatives and friends. Weird. This may sound odd, but I get this thing at funerals when I wonder why the poor relatives stand at the front of the church. I know it's to thank people and I get that. But I can't do it. At my sisters funeral, all these people flocked to tell me how sorry they were. They literally surrounded me. I ran away and came back a couple of hours later to peacefully look at the flowers alone.

Anyway, total ramble as usual from me. But sort of explaining why I'm done with being in relationships with NT people who don't or won't take the time to understand me.

Hello

I was diagnosed a couple of years ago and have 3 teens diagnosed when younger. I have moments when I question my diagnosis because I can read people like books and also ‘feel’ their emotions. However, I also recognise similarities with my DC in how I view the world. I am crap socially in anything other than a 1:1 conversation and little things make me stressed (like knowing how to start when I have to tidy up - it seems overwhelming).

DH is very easy-going, great with people and can strike up a conversation with anyone. Like others have mentioned, I find it difficult when he goes off on a tangent when I’ve just asked a question or made a comment that I was expecting a one sentence response to! I also feel bad when he wants to make light conversation and I lose interest very quickly and would rather get back to reading.

Another thing I find difficult is that I seem to feel things more deeply than him and sometimes he just doesn’t ‘get’ me which makes me feel lonely, even though he would do anything for me and is very kind.

Anyway, thanks for starting the thread, it’s been interesting to read of others’ experiences.

@bobbythevet

Same! I'd also love to talk about the challenges of being an autistic parent if there's the appetite for it- I actually looked recently to see if there was an autism subforum and surprised that i couldn't didn't one (unless i'm being totally blind), so thank you for this OP

I would love this, I'm parent to an autistic 11 year old and have so many questions.

I'm so happy we're finding each other!

It is so hard to navigate this world and just having people to talk to is great.

I'm reading all the replies and am looking forward to chatting more.

@ENoeuf

I emailed MNHQ with my suggestions from the other thread yesterday:

Rename SN section SEND
Have a subsection Neurodiverse Mumsnetters
If you agree or have similar ideas maybe email them?

I've also asked for a autistic/ND adults/parents subforum

@Alayalaya I forget to eat regularly too, DH does most of the cooking because otherwise I drift about and wonder why I'm feeling faint and headachey at 4pm. The thought of eating breakfast in the morning makes me gag but I get so absorbed with work that I forget to have lunch.

Could @mnhq prevent the subforum from coming up in active threads, do you think? I know Black Mumsnetters are requesting that because they're having similar issues with piss-takers, rubberneckers and "you can't say that"s. It's so infuriating having to read past two pages of NT bollocks first, or some plopper turning up on page 10 and derailing the thread.

Me and dh don't communicate too badly with each other as we're fairly similar, other than him saying silly things. The problem I find is with other people. I just avoid talking to everyone on the outside, apart from four other autistic friends who I get along well with. We all help each other and give mutual support.

I find it particularly difficult communicating when I'm put on the spot and have to go 'off script'. The woman opposite is very chatty and nosey and she caught me off guard at a mentally low point a couple of years ago and I over shared. I've never got over it and just ignore her now. I know it's rude, but she really doesn't need to know about my income, my car, my dcs or how I spend my time. So rude and nosey she is.

I'm okay if I can talk about the weather I guess. I feel stressed if checkout operators try to engage me in conversation because I get anxiety attacks in supermarkets and I just want to get out. Dh usually goes with me and I get him to do the talking. Again, people probably think I'm rude, but it's not that, I'm just trying hard to pack my shopping and not pass out. I hate being judged.

I just wanted to say well done to those who have managed to maintain their marriages with NT spouses.

@BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation scan and shop has done wonders for my accessibility in supermarkets! I love being able to walk around at my own pace, scan and pack as I'm going and not having stuff thrown at me by a cashier, and then because there is never a queue for them it takes me 2 minutes to use the checkout machine. I can leave my shopping and dash to the loo for a meltdown without members of staff reshelving everything in my trolley Aldi is my idea of hell - noisy, bright, cramped aisles and cashiers who are on targets and can't slow down. I keep my sunglasses on but feel a bit of a twat.

Reading this thread is like sinking into a warm bath - so comforting to see my experiences echoed by so many other women. I’m currently going through the dx process and DH is very supportive but also so absurdly NT that he just can’t grasp some of my quirks around quiet, alone time, doing things over and over again, missing social cues, etc etc.

Does anyone else get an occasional feeling of depersonalisation/not knowing who you are? I feel like there’s ‘masking me’ and ‘autistic me’ and that the ‘real me’ is a combo of both, because masking has been part of my life for so long that it’s a part of my personality.

Lovely to meet you all

This is a great idea. ADHD/autism/dyspraxia here and I find working/parenting/wife-ing utterly exhausting, but because of ADHD brain I struggle to sleep. I'm on medication but it makes v little difference. I could use a support thread.

DH is a generally good egg but every time I get diagnosed with another neurological issue I get a 'sceptical' vibe from him. Two of our DCs are currently being assessed for ADHD and I really need him to be receptive to whatever the verdict is.

@KnitFastDieWarm

Reading this thread is like sinking into a warm bath - so comforting to see my experiences echoed by so many other women. I’m currently going through the dx process and DH is very supportive but also so absurdly NT that he just can’t grasp some of my quirks around quiet, alone time, doing things over and over again, missing social cues, etc etc.

Does anyone else get an occasional feeling of depersonalisation/not knowing who you are? I feel like there’s ‘masking me’ and ‘autistic me’ and that the ‘real me’ is a combo of both, because masking has been part of my life for so long that it’s a part of my personality.

Lovely to meet you all

I totally understand this KnitFast I've battled all my life with not knowing what I actually want, who I actually am and working out what is mask and what is me. Its so hard.

Completely @KnitFastDieWarm. I spent my younger years as a personality chameleon of my boyfriends, it wasn't until I was settled in a long term relationship that I could even begin to pick that apart

@EatSleepRantRepeat I have thought about scan and shop, but I don't want to have to register for one of their store cards because they sell your details on then you receive loads of marketing bumpf 🤔

Thanks for starting this thread OP! I'm another who would like to see a ND subforum

I'm Autistic (and most likely have ADHD, waiting on an assessment), I have been single a long time time now after being married to a NT and us clashing terribly. I think I'm better off single but who knows what lies ahead, so I'll be watching this thread and picking up tips just in case I need them some day! I find it hard to articulate what I want to say these days, so will probably be a lurker more than a poster Oh and I also have an Autistic (adult) DD too

I was sent this today... wish I'd had it to show to my ExDH when we were married

Does anyone else get an occasional feeling of depersonalisation/not knowing who you are? I feel like there’s ‘masking me’ and ‘autistic me’ and that the ‘real me’ is a combo of both, because masking has been part of my life for so long that it’s a part of my personality

I can relate to this very strongly

What I dread is the look on the NT's face when they start off believing you're just a regular person, then realise there's something off about you. They can detect it very quickly no matter how hard I try to mask. All the effort I put in comes to nothing and I end up exhausted and demoralised. If I feel unwell I can't mask at all then I come across as rude or aloof. Either way, I can't win. Another thing is healthcare professionals who assume you're an idiot. I can't deal with them at all. I don't go for any health screening, apart from an annual blood test and I treat my own illnesses and what not because I can't deal with doctors. I find doctors don't react well to my style of communication as I treat everyone equally and they prefer patients who are meek and passive and who do as they're told. I have to take dh who can do the talking when he recognises I'm going to meltdown when the doctor's not listening to what I'm saying. It's safer if I just clam up.

personality chameleon

God yes, this. I've spent my life mirroring different people. I once spoke to an American chap on holiday and my accent started to morph into his. He looked at me like I was such a cheeky fucker and avoided me after that 🤦‍♀️

Another thing is healthcare professionals who assume you're an idiot.

Urgh, I went for an exercise test at the respiratory clinic a couple of years ago and they spoke to me as if I was 2. So patronising. It was great that they made an effort to explain every stage to me, but the way they did it was awful.

I understand completely @KnitFastDieWarm - I mask reasonably well for short periods but when it comes off, it really comes off and I can go off on one! My mum used to call me schizophrenic because to her my mood could change so quickly and get into a temper, whereas actually I'd just cracked under an onslaught of relentless rabbiting on and nit-picking.

(Apols to anyone with schizophrenia by the way, it's her ignorance but relevant to the topic)

I hate the "but you can't be autistic" words and looks of disbelief when I say to friends I'm awaiting assessment. They seem to think that because I can do eye contact and empathy I can't possibly be autistic. Eye contact is uncomfortable and I never know if I'm doing it too much or doing it right. If I'm talking I don't look at the person I'm talking to and my eyes are all over the place but if I'm listening to them I focus on their face to try and read what they actually saying. Jokes are strange. Dc wonder why I don't find tiktok videoed hilarious but I do have a good sense of humour. I overthink constantly and need space and quiet. My own noise is fine, other peoples noise is often unbearable. Dd talking when the washing machine, dishwasher and kettle are on along with music is like those scenes in films where the person is stood still and everything is muddied and moving very fast with a thousand conversations merged into one.

I hate that I haven’t accumulated friends from the school gates, from work, from uni. I’ve always been ok on day one and then slowly frozen out or politely rebutted until it’s been very clear I’ve been making an idiot of myself for several weeks / months assuming a friendship that doesn’t exist. If I died my family and a couple of friends would come to the funeral. I’ve never been able to have a party or have a big wedding or been tagged in Facebook ‘ 40 women’ type posts.

I hate that I haven’t accumulated friends from the school gates, from work, from uni. I’ve always been ok on day one and then slowly frozen out or politely rebutted until it’s been very clear I’ve been making an idiot of myself for several weeks / months assuming a friendship that doesn’t exist. If I died my family and a couple of friends would come to the funeral. I’ve never been able to have a party or have a big wedding or been tagged in Facebook ‘ 40 women’ type posts.

That's really sad 😢

I have lots to add and I'm so glad to find this thread.il come back later to catch up properly as I have a few things to do just now. I'm an autistic woman with an autistic child and NT child and NT dh.

DH is great mostly.
He dipped his chip into my bowl of mayo last night as he wanted a taste. Then was shocked when I threw my whole plate of food in the bin. He was apologetic mind you.