Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

[IncompleteSenten]

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me.

Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why.

My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

I definitely have poor impulse control: besides the pre-brexit prepping type buying, and then COVID, I have how many bottles of Aldi toner (??) purchased when it was on offer; oh no, not another long-sleeved t-shirt - how many is that in ochre now? - Not to mention the striped ones! How much wool stashed away now from unfinished projects? - I could open a yarn shop! Or a craft shop and add all the other crafty gubbins I have stashed away over the years.

And I must stop buying houseplants, because I really am running out of space. And garden plants to replace the ones the dog smooshes, because he just finds another to trample - grr.

Do any of you have over-sensitised senses of smell - or hearing, so that loud noises are not only painful, but make you very angry or to have to go and hide away - and how do you cope? I cope badly with both of these, but I do not know the proper terminology, I'm afraid. I can cope with loud music if I get angry or need stimulation - but very rarely. It has become much worse over the years.

I also drop and break things a lot, mugs don't last me long! I get DP to get serving bowls down out of the cupboard so I don't drop them. When I was a child my father bought me enamel mugs as they lasted a little longer. I used to fall and sprain my wrists a lot too as a child, but I found yoga (it was the 70s!) and later dance helped with balance a little - I am still covered in random bruises and scrapes.

I have trouble judging where the sides of my body are iykwim. Very rare to go a whole day without bouncing off a door frame or the edge of a table, I always have bruises on my shoulders/arms and hips/legs.

Also very clumsy, although better now than I used to be. I was never allowed to wash the dishes as a child because I was always breaking things. I used to long for a turn at washing up

@BlibBlabBlob

That reminds me... anybody else struggle with impulse control? I know it's more an ADHD thing, and I don't have that diagnosis (only been assessed for and diagnosed with autism). But 'collecting' things, especially clothes - specifically the same thing but in different prints/colours - is a real compulsion.

I am not teaching my daughter well, in this respect. :-(

it's an autism thing. collecting yarn stuff.

plastic picnic plates/bowls/cups/mugs etc for dd. for sensory issues for me, and for dyspraxic tendencies for dd.

@hopperrock

I have trouble judging where the sides of my body are iykwim. Very rare to go a whole day without bouncing off a door frame or the edge of a table, I always have bruises on my shoulders/arms and hips/legs.

Also very clumsy, although better now than I used to be. I was never allowed to wash the dishes as a child because I was always breaking things. I used to long for a turn at washing up

Yep, I have dyspraxia but crap proprioception is common with other ND conditions too.

I have spent my life covered in scrapes and bruises because I've walked into doorframes/handles/furniture. I don't lift my feet high enough when walking up stairs, I trip trying to step over things and just last week I punched the edge of the kitchen cabinet really hard because I reached to get something out but misjudged how high I should raise my hand. In 2020 I ended up in moon boot for six weeks after tearing the ligaments in my ankle falling over literally nothing. I was walking on flat pavement in sensible trainers

I'm an absolute liability

I occaasionally punch myself in the face while doing up a zip....

Ah that explains the bruises I keep finding. I used to do a hobby but couldn't tell what was where u less I was vertical so I had to stop doing it. This thread is like 💡💡💡💡💡

@hopperrock

I have trouble judging where the sides of my body are iykwim. Very rare to go a whole day without bouncing off a door frame or the edge of a table, I always have bruises on my shoulders/arms and hips/legs.

Also very clumsy, although better now than I used to be. I was never allowed to wash the dishes as a child because I was always breaking things. I used to long for a turn at washing up

Same here re bouncing off door frames and so on. I'm super clumsy, have broken my wrists and arms, and accidentally stabbed myself with things several times because my depth perception was off. It gets embarrassing having to ring work and 'fess up to the latest accidental injury, especially when I've just been a plank and tripped down the stairs again. I'm always worried one day I'll die in an accident and they'll suspect my lovely DH when they look at my medical records!

Tonight I have managed to scrape the dishwasher door up my leg and scrape my knee. When looking at the damage I noticed a good sized bruise from who knows when or what. Well, yesterday going by the colour of it but who knows. My thighs are covered in bruises too and I often bounce off things especially when tired. I'm quite happy I didn't damage my trousers as they are my favourite smart pair.

Can we talk about bras? I find they irritate but mainly over my left shoulder blade as though there's a prickly bit on the strap. There isn't but it feels like there is. Just on the left though. I gave up on my favourite M&S ones years ago due to this. Support vests are too restrictive. Taking off my bra at night is one of my daily pleasures and is accompanied by a sigh of relief. I am not large of nork but do need to wear one but boy does it feel good to take it off.

@AutisticLegoLover

Tonight I have managed to scrape the dishwasher door up my leg and scrape my knee. When looking at the damage I noticed a good sized bruise from who knows when or what. Well, yesterday going by the colour of it but who knows. My thighs are covered in bruises too and I often bounce off things especially when tired. I'm quite happy I didn't damage my trousers as they are my favourite smart pair.

Can we talk about bras? I find they irritate but mainly over my left shoulder blade as though there's a prickly bit on the strap. There isn't but it feels like there is. Just on the left though. I gave up on my favourite M&S ones years ago due to this. Support vests are too restrictive. Taking off my bra at night is one of my daily pleasures and is accompanied by a sigh of relief. I am not large of nork but do need to wear one but boy does it feel good to take it off.

Ouch, bloody hell that looks painful.

I'm glad you mentioned bras, I have always had a large bust so it's better I wear one - especially now as they are trying to reach my knees - waaah !

I gave up on underwires this year, but still find the underband doesn't always feel comfortable and cuts into my skin quite badly (yes I have measured properly, not the M&S version!) It doesn't help that I am allergic to latex as the elastic within the fabric can set it off - and if you get a scratchy bit... wtf are those? Someone suggested Molke, but they just don't seem to fit right either

Besides bras - please, please keep that going as some-one, somewhere will have the answer! I wanted to ask about noise cancelling headphones or earbuds.

Many years ago I used to wear my Walkman (ok, Panasonic!) everywhere so I could cut off the world. I gradually stopped and my anxiety levels rose exponentially.

Are there any affordable, (I'm now an unpaid carer don't forget and DP doesn't have much money), but efficient noise-cancelling headphones or earbuds anyone can recommend - preferably that I can use with my phone or Bluetooth from Alexa or another source.

DP plays LOUD electric guitar (even in the garage it's loud) and MIL has her telly on REALLY BLOODY LOUD so you can hear it everywhere in the house.

I am ND (diagnosed ADHD) but not autistic. My DW is autistic and her diagnosis has been wonderful for our marriage, as learning about autism has helped me understand and support her the way she deserves. We are a proud and unapologetic ND household and we celebrate our superpowers!

Anyway, I will go back to lurking (and reading bits out to DW While she sits under her weighted blanket with a dog on her lap) while the autistic posters discuss, but just wanted to recommend Late Bloomer by Clem Bastow as an excellent, accessible, myth-exploding book that would be good reading for non-autistic partners. It's about the author's experience growing up as an autistic woman and being diagnosed her 30s, it weaves in a lot of research and education about autism, and it's also very funny. DW felt it resonated with her experience a lot and I'm so glad she insisted I read it

I've not found any solution to the bras issue yet either - hate them, but big boobs don't have much choice! I go for T-shirt style, so no annoying itchy lace and quite a tight fit so it's not brushing my skin when I move (which drives me crackers).

Re noise cancelling headphones, I have a pair of bose from work but they're crazy expensive. DH has had good experience with Sennheiser ones and my work headphones are jabra noise cancelling ones (which are fab but not sure if they come without the madonna-style microphone arm )

Joining bra chat. I generally find halter-strap bras most comfortable. Because of the unusual design I was very "aware" in the first few times I wore one, but it settled down quite quickly. It also means the straps don't slide down your shoulders so you don't have to do the "tighten, loosen" dance during the day. It doesn't just go around your neck in a loop like a halterneck top might, instead you get a Y shape at the back. Like the Y shaped trouser suspenders just higher up (the join is sort of collar-bone height but at the back.

I have one with a clip in the front at the centre so you sort of put it on like it's an excessively well-ventilated jacket, and another where it's clipped at the back so it's a bit more of an adventure getting it on as there's straps everywhere. Very sturdy. It also feels like the weight is more evenly distributed.

I am one of the 'large of nork' (regular bra size would be 28HH or thereabouts) and don't feel comfortable going out braless but have settled very happily into a long term exclusive relationship with my Molke bras. The original, crossover-style ones (haven't tried the newer styles).

Didn't get on with them the first time I tried, but you have to (a) get used to the slightly different shape they give under clothes and (b) really experiment with sizing and/or take care to get it right first time.

I wear the 'correct' size for me, XS Super/Mega depending on fabric rating, during the day. And have some old ones from when I was slightly bigger all over to wear as sleep bras. One band size up (S) and same cup size, which means that - as with regular bra sizing - the cups are also a bit bigger than my 'day' bras. The support from the night bras isn't quite a strong but that's actually good when you want to relax/sleep. I'm not a fan of sleeping completely braless because they kind of get in the way and with DD regularly cosleeping it REALLY bloody hurts when you're braless and - even through your PJ top - she rolls over and her pointy little elbow traps my nipple underneath it!

(Support from night bras isn't as strong because they're a bit too big and because they're old... didn't make that clear in my post.)

I've always hated bras but I have big boobs and also despise the feeling of not wearing one

Lockdown and working from home opened my eyes to non-wired bras so I tried a few. The best all-rounder is definitely this one. It's not padded, it has no wires, it's a full cup and it lifts the boobs enough to look good with clothes but the cups are separate enough that it doesn't give you monoboob.

I just read that we are getting our new board on here!
Neurodiverse mumsnetters!
So pleased!

Aaah, @EatSleepRantRepeat @Momniscient @BlibBlabBlob you are ALL fabulous for your recommendations - BUT again this is why we need or own topic as so much is being discussed and posters may be lost.

@LavenderHills I hope you and your wife will join in when the dog unsquishes her and she can get to the pc/laptop/?

@amusedbush

I've always hated bras but I have big boobs and also despise the feeling of not wearing one

Lockdown and working from home opened my eyes to non-wired bras so I tried a few. The best all-rounder is definitely this one. It's not padded, it has no wires, it's a full cup and it lifts the boobs enough to look good with clothes but the cups are separate enough that it doesn't give you monoboob.

On that subject, has anyone tried the M&S “sleep” bra-vests? I nearly ordered some for day wear but the weird s-shape stitching pattern made me wonder if they were somehow asymmetrical in effect? (Cos why would mammary symmetry be a concern lying down anyway?)

@ofwarren we are getting a board oooH OOOH OOOOOH yes! Jumps up and down

We got our board @LilyRed !

It’s called neurodiverse Mumsnetters.

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