Neurodiversity support thread for women with suspected, diagnosed or self-diagnosed autism, ADHD and other NDs #19

[Galvantula]

Hope it's ok to start one without Polter

Previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnetters_with_sn/2954319-Neurodiversity-support-thread-for-women-with-suspected-diagnosed-or-self-diagnosed-autism-ADHD-and-other-NDs-18

The last one filled up a little while ago, hope everyone is doing ok.

I have no boyfriend or partner and never have. That’s one of my big issues, I’ve never had the confidence to “put myself out there” so to speak. One bonus is that I’ve never worried about the way I look, not had any issues with body image, it’s more my personality. I have very little self-confidence, all those articles you read about love and stuff say that you should learn to love yourself before you can love someone else or whatever it is they say... and I don’t love myself, so it’s going to be a damn long time before I find a boyfriend then isn’t it!
Social anxiety doesn’t make things easy... if I spotted a bloke I fancied I’d be thinking “they’d think I’m too weird”, “we wouldn’t have anything in common” and possibly the most ridiculous one “it’ll be blatantly obvious you fancy them and they’ll likely have a girlfriend already so won’t you look daft if it looks like you’re flirting with them?” I mean, seriously, anxiety is utterly ridiculous, but we believe what it tells us.
And then, of course, I end reading stories about people with anxiety where they mention having a boyfriend/girlfriend and I think “how the hell did they have the confidence to get one??”

SingToTheSky - Cereal is fine, as long as you ate that's the important thing! Sometimes I just don't fancy a proper meal and just have some toast or cereal. I really hate all the misconceptions about autism, I think the worst one I've ever come across was when I first went to the GP and he referred me to a nurse (she was like some sort of midway point between the GP and the mental health team) and she said I couldn't possibly be autistic as only children have autism. It enraged me so much I did actually speak up that time and said "oh well I guess all those autistic children hit 18 and their autism just magically goes away, you idiot" and walked out. I made a formal complaint and after speaking to my GP again he referred me to a specialist autism centre for assessment.

toffee1000 - I wasn't able to put myself out there either, I consider myself very fortunate in finding my DH at such a young age (I was 19). We met online over a mutual interest, we ended up messaging a lot, then he started calling me, 4 months of daily (long) phonecalls and we met up. 5 months later I moved in with him and we got married the following autumn and DD was born the year after. Prior to him I'd tried going out to clubs and it was so awkward, I would have to get so drunk to even try and talk to anyone, it was a disaster! I think it's so much better to be friends with someone first and unlike when I met DH it's not such a taboo thing to meet someone online. Have you tried signing up to forums related to your interests? You never know who you might get talking to. Or have you tried dating apps/sites? The internet has made it so much easier for people like us who may struggle face to face especially with second-guessing whether someone likes you or not or trying to flirt. You can log on to places and I think you only get matched with people who also match with you, I think they have to say they like you and you like them (I think that's how they work) so at least you know before talking to someone that you are both interested.

Unfortunately the idea of online dating sites terrifies me. You don’t know who exactly you’re speaking to! I know there are people who meet their SOs online and are happy, but there are also loads of horror stories.

As odd as it may sound, my anxiety isn’t going to get any better unless I’m around people more. With the coronavirus ongoing and no definitive end in sight, it’s going to be a long time.

I’m definitely not a clubber. I’d be tempted to join a hobby group of some kind, so the main emphasis would be on the hobby rather than socialising.

Just bumping the thread. I’m on day 12 of Elvanse now and not doing well at all 😫

I can’t help with the dating question as I met DH early. I used to chat a lot online as a teen which looking back was really risky although it was mainly an escape from home life. I don’t know how I’d go about it if looking for a partner now, but I think hobbies would probably be the best bet for me.

Twatting nurse.
I have not been diagnosed long enough to have had any daft comments yet. The only people who know I have a diagnosis are in not much doubt.

I found most of the misunderstanding was around the fact I was “just” depressed. Even the psychiatrist tried to say I only have focus issues because I was depressed. No, I’m depressed because of feeling like a failure a million times a day - because of all the things I do wrong by not concentrating, because of my scattiness, the fact I have rubbish executive function so I’m bad at keeping a house etc. I think there are a lot of people, especially mums trying to deal with all this responsibility and feeling like they are terrible parents/partners because of undx adhd. For a lot of women it seems to become more apparent after having kids (apparently breastfeeding hormonal changes can also contribute to this).

Anyway I have been on Elvanse almost 3 weeks now. I’ve asked to stay at the same dose of 30mg as the anxiety was horrific for about ten days. It’s settled now, although definitely still there. But I think I’m getting a bit better at doing stuff.

My GP has allowed me to start escitalopram alongside to try and counter the anxiety. Will see how that goes and TBH if it works I’m tempted to then switch back to methylphenidate for the adhd side, because it seemed to work better in many ways and although it also caused the anxiety it wasn’t so instant and awful. But I’m not sure because just the process of changing meds is so horrible, I was suicidal for a few days, it was scary.

Plus it’s so hard to tell what is actually just caused by lockdown.

Hang in there with the Elvanse - I've heard it gets bad before it gets better, but once the side effects wear off they are gone.

Sing I can identify a lot with that. I always had this confusing mismatch in my head, because I knew feelings of failure, uselessness, like I was a bad person etc were symptoms of depression, but at the same time I knew that they weren't exactly false thoughts - they were based on actual evidence! I never went to seek help for the "depression" because I thought a doctor would just say "Well of course you think they're real because you're depressed but they're actually delusional thoughts" and I couldn't stand the thought of being disbelieved.

Oh I have just realised you are the same person a week apart :o Sorry!

AzPie that sounds horrible that teacher! Poor little you.

:o I am rubbish at looking at poster names.

I also was very adhd and posted my meds update on another (shorter term) adhd thread. Oops. 😳 How very adhd of me. 😂

I’ve been mindlessly scrolling mumsnet for ages (I don’t count threads like this as mindless, as they’re supportive, but I mean the endlessly refreshing active convos etc) - this has really increased since the Elvanse, it’s like it makes me focus better on the not so helpful things as well as the good. I didn’t find it so bad on the other meds, except as they wore off in the evenings.

But I am sticking with this for now. I really wish I’d finished my assignment before starting them though 😭 I’m behind now.

Got my covid jab tomorrow which I’m a bit nervous about in case of side effects. Not sure if it’s worth starting the escitalopram the day after, if I’m going to feel crap anyway I may as well get it all over with 😂

Really need to shift my arse and get on with SOMETHING. Just finding it hard today, I feel so “stuck”.

Sometimes I find you just need a day where you excuse yourself for being unproductive. Feeling anxious about the jab tomorrow is likely the cause of the inertia. Use that as a guilt free excuse to "distract yourself" :)

Unless you have a deadline today or something anyway.

True :) my issue is it can easily turn into weeks 😂

Deadline has been extended already - it was 9th for this assignment and 2nd March for overall course (one more assignment after this). Now the overall deadline is 2nd april and I can do things when I need within that. Silly thing is the actual work is pretty easy and quick, I just can’t seem to settle enough to sit and do it. It hasn’t helped my iPad screen smashed at the weekend so I need to try and do the rest on a tiny phone screen unless I can get the laptop to work.

Inertia is my standard I think 😭 but you’re right it’s definitely worse due to the jab.

I can relate to a lot of that. Hope the side effects wear off.

Also getting vaccinated tomorrow. Group 6 carer. We are collecting diagnoses....Ds has two, and something undiagnosed.
I have two, plus a couple of things caused by the first. Some bugger recommended an oximeter... Not a good idea to let patients loose with them as they discover other worrying symptoms pointing to a third one which could be one of two things. Oh and the trick of scratching my leg and watching my name appear.. might be something else. Arse.

DD has a handful too. Only about five to date.... Though worryingly seems to be showing symptoms of one of mine...

Also need to catch up on washing up. We collected another diagnosis this week. Up to 11 official ones, one in progress of being investigated, and I have two to chase up.

Haha. Who doesn't love a laundry list of diagnoses. Scratching your name is dermagraphia. I have that one too.

Not sure mine qualifies for proper dermographism...but it is at least half way there...

DS is the same! It was alarming the first time it happened 😳

Re the laundry list, I feel like that sometimes. Last year I was on a course and mentioned to the leader (my family support worker’s manager so knew a lot about me, which was mostly a good thing) that my psychologist had confirmed I don’t have a particular condition. She said “must be one of the few things you don’t have” ouch 😳😂

Anxiety was back again yesterday but managed to get some stuff done in the evening including some of my last assignment. The psychiatrist hadn’t done my prescription 🤬 so now I might have to miss some. Really frustrating as I have been trying to contact them for over a week. I’m getting more and more convinced I need to swap back to methylphenidate - I also keep clenching my jaw a lot which wasn’t an issue before. All this time and faff is really getting to me.

I had an anxiety dream this morning about wasting my therapist session because I hadn’t read my journal and couldn’t remember what to talk about 😂

Ahhh the "I am on supply with a year group considerably older than the one I taught Ofsted are coming and I have no planning" dream. Well your version of it anyway.

Ha! Yes! Maybe once I start my degree I’ll have the usual “oh shit there’s an unexpected exam” version 😂

I keep getting anxious today but I’m managing to get stuff done in dribs and drabs

Argh. Psychiatrist failed twice to actually write and then send my prescription 😭 so I will probably have a few days without my Elvanse.

My friend was telling me some of her friends with adhd swear by a supplement of L-tyrosine. It’s somehow related to dopamine and it apparently makes a difference even on top of the adhd meds.

That's really poor service. Hope you manage ok in the meantime.

Thanks susan the saga continues - got my prescription finally but they’ve written it for 40mg. I’d asked to stay on 30 because I’d been such a mess and didn’t feel safe (literally - I was suicidal for a few days before I settled) increasing so soon. But no time to change it now.

Oh no! How are you doing now?

I am hungry. I need to get lunch. I am too hungry to think!

Hi :)

I feel ok today actually, thank you 💐 first day on the higher dose - they had it in stock so I didn’t have to miss a day. I decided to just go for it as I was concerned that if I stopped it altogether until another prescription was sorted (my local CMHT is famously slow even before covid), I’d end up with the horrific anxiety again when I started back at 30mg :( but also I have read in a few places now that with Elvanse some people find the anxiety is better when they increase the dose. So here’s hoping. I’ve still felt tense today but I’ve got a huge amount of studying done and feel a bit more clarity I think?

In flare up physically though (fibro/pots) so feel a bit crap.

I hope you got some food! I got to “too hungry to think” stage today too. Hyper focused on my assignment and suddenly realised I’d not eaten since a very early, very sugary breakfast 🙈

So I had some digestive biscuits, because clearly that was the sensible option, right? 🙄

I ate a hot cross bun, fell asleep and just had a shit lunch but I am functioning again, even if not fully. I sometimes have to have something sugary so I can think and tackle something more sensible. Executive functioning is a bit buggered. Good luck with the higher dose.

I’m “technically” on Concerta XL although I haven’t taken it for months. I’m unemployed and don’t have anything to do during the day, so there’s no need. My counsellor (who got me the ADHD assessment) knows this and is fine with it. I’m a little worried that it apparently causes anxiety in the long term, though!! I don’t need anything else to contribute to my anxiety... perhaps I should speak to my counsellor about it.