Neurodiversity support thread for women with suspected, diagnosed or self-diagnosed autism, ADHD and other NDs #18

[PolterThreadStarter]

As usual, latest support thread.

Welcome

Literally rubbish? What an arse.

Alba, there are a couple of good links about that sort of behaviour, Maybe he could read them? It would help him to understand your point of view.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

There's being lazy and there's treating your other half like a servant. That's incredibly rude Alba!

clicky

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

alba
That's awful.

Have you come across this comic Alba?

Just realised it's what blank posted too

Arrrrrrrrrrgh I didn't expect to find that stuff in here :(

Great Minds, Polter

chou the trolls are pricks. It's horrible but all we can do is ignore them

No, the "she divorced me because I left dishes on the side" stuff and "that sort of behaviour" comments.

It's part of my ASD, I'm working with occupational therapy on it, but I've always been this way, and any relationship I have involves some compromises. My ex would bundle my shit up for me so that I could see it. Minimal extra effort for him, and I still did the heavy work, but I'm inconsiderate and rude because my brain is broken?

It hurts. Not as much as Albatross is probably hurting and I'm really sorry if I've offended her, but it does hurt.

Oh sorry I misunderstood

I think it's a bit different. As you say, you struggle with certain things, and you have a reason for that, but we're willing to compromise.
But alba is struggling too and instead of compromising and helping her, her DH is just being a lazy sod.
You were happy to compromise.
That's where the "that behavior" comments come from. Not from being a messy person, but the refusal to help someone who is clearly struggling.
I'm a messy person. I'm awful at it. But I am lucky that I have a very understanding mum who cleans for me while watching the kids and my ex is great at things like that too. He's been coming round while I'm at work, he cooks and cleans and things are going well. He's giving me the space I need and he's actually receiving the help he needs for his depression (honestly didn't believe he would)

My feeling is that this is a support thread so we will support Alba in her struggles with her dh making a mess and expecting her to clean up as much as we will support Chou in struggling with domestic stuff (assuming that's what the issue is?).

Sorry, I think I read AIBU too much - it's a great way to learn about what's going on inside people's heads, but that sort of stuff is all over there.

I think it was also the " I don't think he's ever going to understand how shitty it makes me feel to constantly be picking up after him and for him to basically throw rubbish on the floor", because I don't think I'm ever going to understand that either. And if I did, I'd just be feeling shitty too, and probably suicidal, so it's best that I remain in blissful ignorance.

I would have said that Alba's DH ever EVER saying she was horrible was far far worse than some rubbish on the floor.

I am a very slovenly person in many ways but have little pockets of domestic goddessness, which makes me tricky to live with!

I live in a total shit tip and am seemingly totally shit at everything it takes to run a house. Unfortunately I'm also the kind of person who is distressed at living in clutter and muck. So I spend most of my time in bed or staring at the TV or my phone so I don't have to think about it. DP does all the laundry and washing up, but not enough, and he cleans the loo every few weeks, but in the whole I just live in a hovel.

And I'm sorry for stepping out of line - no real mitigation, but I've lost the last strip of my ADs, so until I remember where I put it, I'm a little unstable. Might go and get an emergency prescription from town.

None of my ranting is helping Alba.

I'm really good at all the housey stuff, domestics and DIY, I just would rather read or watch Netflix and crochet.

It's okay, it's hard when you find something really hard and other people seem to be criticising people who can't do it… would it help if I framed it like, I'd get pissed off if DP never did the washing up because he's lazy, but not if he never did the washing up because it hurt his back? Or, if I listen to someone who complains about their DP because their DP is too lazy to pick up their fair share of the driving, I try not to feel bad about the fact that in my partnership, my DP does all the driving, because although I have a licence, I haven't driven for years due to anxiety. The difference is that their DP is selfish and lazy, whereas I have a good reason not to do the driving and my DP recognises that.

Or maybe, something more like this: some of my college friends are a bit crap at spelling, grammar, writing skills in general, don't enjoy it and find it distressing that they're bad at it. So I don't ask them to read through my essay to check for mistakes, I'll read through theirs for them. Then they'll grab my arm for me to protect me from walking straight in the road because I'm a numpty, or come out and check I'm okay when I have to leave the classroom because it's too noisy.

And the vast majority of the time, I don't even think about the fact that DP does all the driving, or feel grateful, or wonder how he feels about it. It just is.

I suppose driving is a good analogy, I can't drive, I've never tried, and I don't want to learn, which is another thing that gets panned quite regularly - but if I did learn to drive, I'd be lethal. Literally.

I think ratty has put it much better than I could.v

I can't drive either.
I do think I should learn but I think I may well crash fairly often...

I am a much better driver than I am a pedestrian or cyclist.

I can cycle. Really well actually.
Maybe I should buy a bike.