I was going to ask here for opinions on ds's reaction to his birthday, and the very different advice I've had for it.
Basically, ds hates his birthday, the attention, the fact that people may randomly ring to sing at him, might drop in to see him. We are planning on doing the day to suit him - he's already opened his present, we won't sing unless he's like us to, we will get a cake, but it will just be a cake unless he wants candles and singing, he wants no fuss at all.
I've asked on a PDA group about this, and NT people in real life.
PDA group all said that its his day, if he doesn't want to be rung, or visited, or sung to etc. then we don't. We're fine with this, and our gut feeling is this. It's his day and if he doesn't want to mark it, that's his decision.
Now onto NT advice. Birthdays are not just about the person whose birthday it is, other people will be hurt if they are excluded entirely from proceedings (even though there are no proceedings to be excluded from!) and ds1 must be taught to understand that others want to play a role in his birthday, and to not allow that would be selfish.
I'm sort of not torn, I think it's weird to give someone who sees ds 10-20 times a year such power over a day that has already had ds worried and edgy about for nearly two months, and I think that as it's his day it's his choice. And if after the day he regrets not celebrating it, well, he'll want to do it differently in the future and that's fine. But is this wrong of me? Should I/we be more thoughtful about others' feelings?