Webchat about bereavement with grief psychotherapist Julia Samuel, Thursday 9 March, 1-2pm

[RachelMumsnet]

Julia Samuel is a grief psychotherapist who has spent the last twenty-five years working with bereaved families, both in private practice and with the NHS at St Mary's Paddington where she pioneered the role of maternity and paediatric counsellor. She is Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, where she continues to play a central role. She is joining us on Thursday, 1-2pm to offer advice and answer your questions.

Julia’s first book Grief Works presents a series of deeply moving case studies of real people's stories of loss, and how they survived. Alongside the case studies, Julia offers brilliantly accessible and practical advice, for those who have suffered loss and for those who feel awkward and uncertain around death, and feel unable to talk honestly with family and friends.

Julia will be answering questions and offering advice on Thursday 9 March, 1-2pm. If you’re unable to join us on the day Do post up questions for her in advance.

My DH had a sort of breakdown and drank himself to death. I am so angry with him- this was 5 years ago- because he was offered a lot of help and refused it all. Our DC were 4 and 9. Their lives have been blighted.
I dont have much in common with a typical widow who has lost her soulmate. I am so angry, bitter and annoyed at him, I'm just a horrible person really to feel like that. So I dont feel I fit in traditional (young) widow support groups because I don't identify with them. The usual books on grief don't help me either. I don't feel that I am a widow by suicide either because although he destroyed himself it wasn't suicide. Can you recommend any books to help me?

I don't think I will be around because I will be working.
I wonder if Julia has any thoughts about PTSD and complicated grief?
I was offered grief counselling very early on (too early really) but it took me ten years to get trauma counselling.
I feel I missed out on grieving 'properly' because I was so stunted by PTSD.
I am quite resentful at times that I didn't get to cry for my daughter and it feels too late now. I cannot physically cry now, its been so long.

Is that a question or me just having a moan? Either way I would be interested in Julia's thoughts

My bereaved friends have been sharing her article (Guardian?), I haven't read it yet but they think its very good and they a fussy bunch!

both (and all)

I too was going to ask about PTSD. Are medical professionals knowledgeable about this disorder in relation to grief, your opinion.
My dd lost her very best friend to a RTA at 17. We followed Drs advice which was to do nothing for a year as her grief was "natural", eventually counselling was adviced but no improvement for her, she saw 3 different people but it was 4 years later that a different dr and therapist started to treat her for PTSD and she really did start to deal with her feelings. It really shouldn't be like this and I fell guilt as her mum that she wasn't helped as soon as she could have been.

Please could you talk about how children deal with grief. My mum died suddenly last year. My 10 year old son hasn't ever cried, not when we told him, not at the funeral. I've tried to encourage him to talk about grandma but he changes the subject. But we've had to deal with lots of angry behaviour from him and he was very critical of the amount of time I had to spend sorting out my mum's affairs after her death.
Sometimes I feel really cross at him for not reacting 'appropriately'. He's been horrible at times, asking if we can use inheritance money to buy him an iPad Pro :(
I also feel so overwhelmed by it all, even though mum died 9 months ago now. I don't have the emotional maturity to handle my own grief let alone help him. I'm crying just writing this. Maybe he genuinely doesn't care that his grandma died, and that worries me too.
What's normal?

Can you please talk about how to access and make time for grief when you have a busy life and others are grieving? I have lost both my brothers, who had disabilities, (DBro1 13 years ago, DBro2 15 months ago) and I have had to observe and deal with my parents grief and anger over that time, and now have a busy life with a toddler and I feel that I've kept a lid on my grief but also most of my other emotions over all that time. I know it's not healthy but I've no idea how to let it out or deal with it. Any thoughts appreciated. I will try to read your book.

18 months in and I think I am over the worst of it but still feel life is fragile, absurd and meaningless which would be fine except I have small d c to bring up. Need to clear out the loft and a. Dont want to throw out personal items in case my kids want them after I am gone (the person I lost left nothing behind and that was very painful) and b. Going through personal items has made me feel like none of it adds up to much anyway and are just relics of a series of losses, eg. Different stages in my life or events that are long gone.
I think I am trying to ask a question but not sure what

My son died four years ago and I still miss so very much. I talk about him most of the time. I can't seem to move on and I'm counting down the days until I can be with him again and I feel guilty because I always blame myself for his disabilities through birth and blame myself because he died with sepsis and I didn't know the symptoms even though the gp diagnosed a chest infection.

I am so pleased that you are coming to Mumsnet. I read the article in Guardian Family this weekend, and was planning to have a look for your book. I have actually spent the day thinking about it, and had just popped the article in my handbag to read again tomorrow when I saw this thread!

I have worked with bereaved clients for many years and, although I have never had formal training in bereavement counselling, so much of what you say is what I see day after day at work.

I have found myself pulled towards this area, and am seriously thinking about focussing on this.

So my question: how can I move into counselling? Is it degree level stuff?

At the very least, I would love to train enough to support this area of my job. I am often the first person who is phoned when someone dies, and am with them for many months afterwards, and really think I could develop my skills here.

Thank you.

Apologies to everyone else for my rather rubbish question, by the way. I just have so much respect for the work that bereavement counsellors etc do, in an area of our lives that is frankly not talked about enough.

Thought of a concrete question. Please could you talk about guilt and grief. It seems that guilt is a common factor in many bereavements. In my own case I wanted to work out what I was really guilty of and what was irrational guilt. A lot of people said, you couldn't have known, but I think I could or you did your best, and I don't think I did.

My DM is dying. Stage 4 lung and bone cancer. I haven't been bereaved yet but I'm terrified of losing her and all I can think of is the black, bleak life in front of me... if I'm strong enough to live without her , I really don't want to.
I'm in pain and despair now, knowing she is ill, knowing she is in pain (not chronic at the moment) but I save my tears for when I'm alone and she only sees my smile (which is getting harder to paste on), if this is what I am like now I cannot imagine how I will EVER cope when she is gone, will I?

💐 Bluebells
My question is a bit more removed. My DM died 15 years ago and I now have a 5yo DS.
I talk openly about 'Grandma May' and he'll sometimes ask questions about her, eg favourite food etc.
However, he's never once asked where she is! I'm not sure how, when or if to broach this, have let him lead the discussions so far and it seems to not have crossed his mind.
He doesn't have any concept of death at all and I'm not sure where or if to start. Any advice gratefully received, thank you.

I'd also really appreciate some pointers about complex grief. My mother died a couple of years ago, but we had a difficult relationship and weren't that close (I didn't live with her as a child). All sorts of rogue emotions are now coming to the surface and I'm not sure how to deal with them.

I'm not able to see the webchat on Thursday as I'm working, but I'd really appreciate advice with this., I've struggled for 4 years with this.

When mum died, my siblings left everything to me. I cleared her house alone. I'd cared for mum alone for years and was devastated when she died, but they carried on as normal and forgot me. I'm the youngest by far, with young kids.

I cant get over their lack of care, for me or mum.

Hope do I come to terms with this? Just accepting it isnt working, nor is telling me we all grieve in different ways. They didn't grieve, they told me that.

I'd really appreciate any advice. Thanks

another biggie for me

I have health anxiety, which appeared after mum died (dad died first years ago)

now I have no parents and no other extended family and I am BEYOND terrified something happens to me and my kids feel as alone and lost as I feel

I do have a husband and he is great, but I have felt so utterly alone and awful since mum died and I cant bear the thought something will happen to me and my kids will feel like I have felt for so long

any advice would be so welcome

thank you

I'm sorry, if this webchat is more involving child bereavement then my questions arent relevant, sorry if I've read it wrong.

Please can you confirm if the Guest Speaker will cover bereavement of DH or is it only for DC.

I will recommend it to someone if it includes partner bereavement

Thanks

Similar to cheersbye, I would appreciate your thoughts on what it means to grieve when you have a young family, job, other caring responsibilities etc. I sometimes struggle to find the time to go to the loo, let alone to process the horror and pain of loosing my mum to a very slow and debilitating disease last summer. On the surface, I'm doing fine, inside I find the pain overwhelming but can't let it out.

Whats the best way to help a child to grieve?
Child likes to talk a lot and often asks questions,not always sure how to answer and what to say.

Similar to a post above, I lost my father when I was 17, and my darling mum died 3 years ago. I feel so alone and worry so much about my kids going through the pain that I feel so keenly every day. How do I deal with having no parents and remove the guilt i feel about my both my parents and my children.

ssd on the same page as you love. It's hard isn't it

Typically people talk about "stages of grief". I lost my daughter suddenly when she was nine and was told I would go through this stage, then that etc. I found it irritating and insensitive. What are these "stages" based on? Surely everyone is different and to tell someone to expect when to feel a certain emotion is, how can I put it, de-personalising. (Not a word, I know.) We all go through things differently and are individuals. This bothered me a lot but may not other people.

Would be interested to hear about how grief related to suicide differs from other forms of grief. Struggled with grief for over 15 years now and am wondering if the element of it being suicide could be a factor in how the grief manifests and guilt feelings around it too (was eventually found to be 'death by misadventure' rather than suicide but had to wait so long for that verdict that initial grief felt different)

Hi, thank you for talking about grief, for those of us living with it it can seem like no one talks about it enough.

On this coming Sunday my little girl should have been turning two.
Some days I seem to be doing well almost resembling some new form of normal and then others I seem to sabotage myself.

I go to sleep desperate to see her in my dreams, and whenever I see a child of a similar age I can't help but wonder what she would have been like, what our family would have been like. It is like I am torturing myself.

Why do I do it? I know the sensible thing would be to just not look. I know that child is not my daughter, that she may have been bigger/smaller, darker/fairer etc and yet I always look and send myself spiralling down. I know I am not alone in this a few other bereaved mums I have spoken to do the same but why?

Thank you

My mum comitted suicide over thirty years ago. Her death was preceded by the suicide of two other family members on the same side of the family, one adult and one teenager. I've told my adult children that my mum comitted suicide, in a very brief way. I've never been able to say more to them about her or to mention the other deaths.

Should I try to say more? I sometimes think that it would help them to understand me and how can I can be a little better. But then it's my stuff not theirs?