Webchat about bereavement with grief psychotherapist Julia Samuel, Thursday 9 March, 1-2pm

[RachelMumsnet]

Julia Samuel is a grief psychotherapist who has spent the last twenty-five years working with bereaved families, both in private practice and with the NHS at St Mary's Paddington where she pioneered the role of maternity and paediatric counsellor. She is Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK, where she continues to play a central role. She is joining us on Thursday, 1-2pm to offer advice and answer your questions.

Julia’s first book Grief Works presents a series of deeply moving case studies of real people's stories of loss, and how they survived. Alongside the case studies, Julia offers brilliantly accessible and practical advice, for those who have suffered loss and for those who feel awkward and uncertain around death, and feel unable to talk honestly with family and friends.

Julia will be answering questions and offering advice on Thursday 9 March, 1-2pm. If you’re unable to join us on the day Do post up questions for her in advance.

@daisychain01

Please can you confirm if the Guest Speaker will cover bereavement of DH or is it only for DC.

I will recommend it to someone if it includes partner bereavement

Thanks

Yes, Julia will be offering advice to anyone going through a bereavement - whether it's a close relative, friend or work colleague etc. so please do recommend to your friend.

I lost my Grandad a year ago and if I let myself think about him, it takes my breath away. I feel as if I've been punched in the stomach and I can't stop the tears. I want him back. I miss him so very much. He was more of a Dad to me and I feel guilty for not visiting as often in his last few weeks - I knew he was ill but I didn't think he'd die so soon. I coped well just after his death. I wrote and read his eulogy at the funeral. Inside I'm crumbling.

How can I move on from losing him? How can I get to the point of enjoying looking at photos and thinking about him without it hurting? I try to block out my memories of him and then I'm scared that I won't be able to remember him in the future if I do that now, but it hurts so much to think of him.

I'm also so very scared of losing anyone else and I don't know how to stop the fear.

I won't be around as I'm working but this is at a point where I am hitting the 1 year anniversary of loosing my son at 14 weeks pregnant. We lost our dd2 at 22 weeks to trisomy 18, I saw a specialist counsellor and grieved for her properly, I feel connected to her.

Almost a year later I lost my ds to a mmc after lots of positive scans and clear tests. It was a huge shock. As a result I had my bipolar diagnosis changed to bpd and added complex ptsd to it.

I have not grieved for him properly. The specialist counsellor I saw was in a different role and I now find myself floundering, coping but not grieving. I have flashbacks but I've lived with ptsd for so long (from childhood trauma) that I know how to cope.

I guess my question is how do you move through complex ptsd and start grieving? I want to feel connected to my ds in the same way I do to dd2.

I lost my dear mum to cancer last September. Her death was horrible as she was in pain and unable to communicate.

I feel stuck and that I've not even started to grieve yet - I haven't even visited her grave since she was buried. I'm supposed to be sorting her house but procrastinate because that's where she died.

I'm a lone parent to a 4 year old and have been on ADs since I moved in to look after her.
Are they stopping me grieving? I feel that I may fall apart if I'm not taking them. I can't do that because I have a job and my child to look after.

I'm sorry for everyone on this thread's losses, so much sadness out there.

I lost my dh on 27 February - so 8 days ago. We had been married exactly one month short of 24 years. He had been ill for a very long time with renal failure and added complications (some of that time spent at St Mary's Paddington actually) - in fact, he had been much iller (we thought) on many occasions than this last time. We thought he had flu for the last week, and since he'd had a flu jab we weren't overly worried. I never had the slightest inkling that, after so many years, this would be the end. He was so strong and optimistic and positive and courageous and loved us all so much. I just can't accept he's gone. I just can't. I'm trying to be strong for our 4 dc (three of whom are adults - youngest is 12) but I feel broken.

Have had some lovely support from friends and from a thread on here. I know it's very early days. I know I have to let time pass. I know I have to go on. What I don't know is how.

My question would be, do people ever really get over grief? How do you do it? Is hypnosis a good idea?

I lost my daughter at 24 weeks pregnant, she had trisomy 21 and a hole in her heart. She was very much wanted but after much soul searching we felt the world wasn't good enough for her uniqueness. I have found being part of the decision to lose her hard to come to terms with even 11 years on. I can rationalise it and be forgiving of myself but my heart still hurts. When the season of her birth come around I find a deep cloak of pain and melancholy comes over me. Even just the way the light falls and the air feels can bring me to tears. I feel 11 years on this should be easing.
In subsequent years I have lost my father and feel much more at peace with his passing. Of course losing the hope of a child is different to the expected loss of a parent who has been unwell for some time. But it has made me question whether I am carrying some trauma from my daughters loss that I should seek help with. I'm lost with what direction to take and would welcome guidance.

I lost my 3 year old daughter last month very suddenly.
Despite the confusing feelings of grief, I felt an instant compulsion to have another baby. Prior to losing my little girl, my family was complete, everything was happy and I had no desire for another child.
This strong feeling came as a shock to me and I'm scared of the chaos that this decision could have on my husband and older child.
Should we just go with it and try to find some happiness? What are the potential affects of pregnancy after loss?

for everyone on this thread who has lost someone close.

Am so moved by the sadness of so many people on here.
Can you prepare for grief?
Someone very close to me is dying. What can I do now for those around them, including me, to get ready for the days and years ahead?

I'm another one who has lost a child in pregnancy. I've had other children since and am so anxious about them all. I think my friends would be surprised just how anxious I am at times (I put on a really good face) but I am just terrified about them dying suddenly, or me and/or DH dying suddenly etc. I know some of this is reasonable just-being-a-parent stuff but I think it has gone beyond that a bit to the point that I keep wondering if I should see my GP about postnatal anxiety (youngest is 9mo). I've got a strong faith, which does help a lot, but wonder what those next steps should be and if it is ever going to get better or if this is just how it is now.

My mum died 3 years ago. It was unexpected although she was ill in the few months beforehand. I'm still very much struggling with missing her on a day to day basis although anti-depressants are helping. I'm interested to know your thoughts on a sick/dying person detaching themselves from their (adult) children prior to their death. I've been told by a counsellor that this is normal. But can you advise how to cope with the continued grief when your most recent memories of your parent (especially mother) is rejection? I guess this is in the context of being a parent yourself where your (young) children are your priority. Looking forward to the web chat. Thank you.

Hi Julia. My son found his Daddy dead in bed two days before his fifth birthday. His older brother died before he was born. How do I encourage my son to talk about finding his Dad. He has SN and his Social Workers and I have tried to get him to have counselling but he has said he doesn't need it. He is 20 now.

I lost my mum 4 weeks ago to cancer. First we thought she had dementia due to some changes in her personality but discovered it was cancer that had returned and spread to her brain. From going into hospital to passing it was 11 weeks. I have a 10 month old baby and she keeps me busy (awake a lot!) so in a way I sometimes 'forget' my mum is dead and when I remember I feel panicked. I try to talk to my sister about our mum as I like to talk but she is the opposite and doesn't like saying even the words 'dead'. I was very close to my mum although I didn't see her everyday as she lived in another city But I spoke to her everyday and she was my support network so I don't understand why I'm not crying all the time - every night I dream about her but how she was before she got very ill but then I wake up sweating and feeling anxious. My question is how do I support my sister like I know my mum would want us to be able to get on with our life's and help each other when we are dealing with our grief so differently (she lived with my mum and has daily reminders of her with her things all around her) as when we see each other we just seem to argue.

My DH lost both his parents fairly suddenly 3 years ago. His DF had cancer and died less than 3 months after diagnosis (and 2 weeks after being told he was in remission). 3 months after that his mum committed suicide.

My DH dealt with it at the time but he is struggling now. He feels angry (not relating to the deaths, just about everything) a lot, and doesn't know how to deal with it, and it seeps out as frustration and snapping at things.

I have tried to encourage him to seek counselling but not sure how else I can support him.

Julia is at MNHQ and aiming to get through all the questions today so is starting a bit early. A huge thanks to Julia and welcome to mumsnet

Hello everyone, I am so pleased to be here, and looking forward to answering your questions, as best I can. There is such a big flow of hidden loss and grief out there, it feels so positive to begin getting it out through this forum at Mumsnet. Do please continue asking questions, posting comments, ideas, thoughts, I want to hear what you think.
Julia

@TanteJeanne

My DH had a sort of breakdown and drank himself to death. I am so angry with him- this was 5 years ago- because he was offered a lot of help and refused it all. Our DC were 4 and 9. Their lives have been blighted. I dont have much in common with a typical widow who has lost her soulmate. I am so angry, bitter and annoyed at him, I'm just a horrible person really to feel like that. So I dont feel I fit in traditional (young) widow support groups because I don't identify with them. The usual books on grief don't help me either. I don't feel that I am a widow by suicide either because although he destroyed himself it wasn't suicide. Can you recommend any books to help me?

Hello TanteJeanne, I don't blame you for being angry with your husband, of course you are, since he drank himself to death when you had two young children. All your lives have been blighted. What I would like you to think about is giving yourself permission for feeling angry and bitter, rather than turning some of the anger on yourself for feeling this, try and be kinder to yourself. Give yourself the compassion and understanding you would give to a friend. In my book you will see most people have lots of complicated feelings about the person who has died, love and hate, sorrow and fury, hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is. Let yourself have these feelings and then maybe other feelings will emerge, echoes of the love you first had for him. In the what helps section of my book, are the Pillars of Strength - if you have a look at them, also on my website www.griefworks.co.uk you will see behaviours you can do that might help you in your healing process.

It's very hard to admit anger towards a loved one. Because they're dead and we aren't supposed to speak about the bad feelings, just the good ones...

@TheFirstMrsDV

I don't think I will be around because I will be working. I wonder if Julia has any thoughts about PTSD and complicated grief? I was offered grief counselling very early on (too early really) but it took me ten years to get trauma counselling. I feel I missed out on grieving 'properly' because I was so stunted by PTSD. I am quite resentful at times that I didn't get to cry for my daughter and it feels too late now. I cannot physically cry now, its been so long.

Is that a question or me just having a moan? Either way I would be interested in Julia's thoughts

My bereaved friends have been sharing her article (Guardian?), I haven't read it yet but they think its very good and they a fussy bunch!

Hello TheFirstMrsDV you are right having PTSD does block your ability to express your grief, because the trauma of it sits in your body and you feel permanently in flight/flight mode which stops the natural processing of feelings. But it is never too late to grieve. Maybe you could think about creating a Memory Box for your daughter, then giving yourself time to look at it, to focus on her, to have your memories. Tears are by no means the only way we grieve. although they are releasing so don't think you aren't doing it right if you aren't crying - but finding ways of talking about her, remembering her helps you express your grief. Nowadays we talk about 'continuing bonds' that although the person we have has died, the relationship continues, in our hearts, and it is by integrating them as part of us that we begin to find a way of living again. Living radically different life, but still living.

@thereinmadnesslies

Please could you talk about how children deal with grief. My mum died suddenly last year. My 10 year old son hasn't ever cried, not when we told him, not at the funeral. I've tried to encourage him to talk about grandma but he changes the subject. But we've had to deal with lots of angry behaviour from him and he was very critical of the amount of time I had to spend sorting out my mum's affairs after her death. Sometimes I feel really cross at him for not reacting 'appropriately'. He's been horrible at times, asking if we can use inheritance money to buy him an iPad Pro :( I also feel so overwhelmed by it all, even though mum died 9 months ago now. I don't have the emotional maturity to handle my own grief let alone help him. I'm crying just writing this. Maybe he genuinely doesn't care that his grandma died, and that worries me too. What's normal?

Hello thereinmadnesslies I understand that it is difficult for you that your son is showing his grief through anger rather than tears. Often the definition of anger is that it is an expression of hurt, the person is shouting "stop hurting me" but because it's expressed as anger the person receives a negative message rather than a supportive one, which increases the anger. So he is being 'normal', exercise could help him, particularly competitive sport which helps release some of the aggression. Could you do something together as a family, maybe on the anniversary of your mother's death, like light a candle for her, say a prayer or poem or message to her, maybe go for a walk together and then have a meal together when you talk about her, reminisce, laugh and cry as you remember her .
It is common in families that each member feels and shows their loss differently. Of course you are feeling overwhelmed by it all, it is only 9 months since your mother died, and you've had so much to cope with, grief takes longer than we want or would choose - but if you support yourself in the process you will come out the other end. There is a story in my book Brigitte which is very similar to yours, you might find comfort in seeing other people feel the same as you.

@BakeOffBiscuits

I too was going to ask about PTSD. Are medical professionals knowledgeable about this disorder in relation to grief, your opinion. My dd lost her very best friend to a RTA at 17. We followed Drs advice which was to do nothing for a year as her grief was "natural", eventually counselling was adviced but no improvement for her, she saw 3 different people but it was 4 years later that a different dr and therapist started to treat her for PTSD and she really did start to deal with her feelings. It really shouldn't be like this and I fell guilt as her mum that she wasn't helped as soon as she could have been.

Hello BakeOffBiscuits I don't think medical professionals do know enough about PTSD and grief, they often don't know that it blocks the natural grieving process. I am so sorry that your daughter didn't get the help she needed when she needed it - please realise this isn't your fault or your responsibility, you can't know what you don't know, and it is the medical profession who need to take responsibility for this. I teach Dr's and do try and get the message across.

@cheersbye

Can you please talk about how to access and make time for grief when you have a busy life and others are grieving? I have lost both my brothers, who had disabilities, (DBro1 13 years ago, DBro2 15 months ago) and I have had to observe and deal with my parents grief and anger over that time, and now have a busy life with a toddler and I feel that I've kept a lid on my grief but also most of my other emotions over all that time. I know it's not healthy but I've no idea how to let it out or deal with it. Any thoughts appreciated. I will try to read your book.

Hello cheersbye I can see that it is very hard for you to have the time to grieve properly for your two brothers, when you are so busy and your parents are grieving. Siblings are often called the 'hidden mourners' as everyone else seems to get the recognition of their loss, but not them. I think there are two ways that you can help yourself, firstly recognise fully that you need to now give yourself permission to grieve, and secondly that does mean prioritising some time. Not necessarily a huge amount of time. Could you develop a time, maybe twice a week, for half an hour, when you write in a journal about your brothers, create a memory book for them, find ways of connecting to them. And then give yourself a treat afterwards, like a delicious bath with oils and music. So do something to remember them, allow yourself to feel your grief, and then something to comfort you. In my book there is a section on sibling grief, with different stories and also a section on What Helps 8 pillars of strength that I think would really help you.

@alltheworld

18 months in and I think I am over the worst of it but still feel life is fragile, absurd and meaningless which would be fine except I have small d c to bring up. Need to clear out the loft and a. Dont want to throw out personal items in case my kids want them after I am gone (the person I lost left nothing behind and that was very painful) and b. Going through personal items has made me feel like none of it adds up to much anyway and are just relics of a series of losses, eg. Different stages in my life or events that are long gone. I think I am trying to ask a question but not sure what

hello alltheworld I think the question you are asking yourself, and it's a hard one, do I dare to trust in life again when I have suffered so much loss? And you seem also to be asking what will give my life meaning now that the person I love has died? External objects like those in your loft, are touchstones to memories, which are otherwise invisible, as grief is. So they are important to keep for now. Of course the world feels fragile when you've loved and loss - but it does seem that you are slowly getting back on track. Let the people around you, and I hope you have them, friends and family, stay close to you and love you, because that is the best way to begin to heal and trust again.