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MNHQ

Baby-proofing your marriage - online chat with author CathyO Neill, Monday 26th Feb 9pm

265 replies

carriemumsnet · 22/02/2007 10:53

Cathy O Neill is co-author of Baby-proofing your marriage - How to Laugh More, Argue Less and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows and will be answering your relationship queries live here on Monday 26th Feb from 9-10pm.

We've got five copies of the book to give to the first five members to join the live discussion, but if you can't make the live chat, you can post your questions in advance below.

Thanks and hope to see you on Monday

MNHQ

OP posts:
madmarchhare · 26/02/2007 21:04

Ive seen that happen though lulmama

zephyrcat · 26/02/2007 21:04

So how on Earth do we make time to get up to anything in the bedroom with all these children?? The other morning we hid under the covers and when we stopped, dd was out of the cot and on the bed! [shame]

Hespera · 26/02/2007 21:05

Hi Cathy
I've been married for nearly 5 years and we're really happy. I think we'd like to start our family in the next year or so and I'm worried about the effect that a baby will have on our relationship. We've been together for 8 year and have been able to do what we want, when we want. I am worried about not being able to do this anymore.
My friends with kids always seem to bicker and never go out.
What's your advice?
Thanks in advice.

lionheart · 26/02/2007 21:05

Yep, maybe a better warm up question would be about the title of the book and this idea of 'baby proofing'.

VVV

CathyONeill · 26/02/2007 21:05

Good evening all!

Great to be here. So, let's get right down to it ... The Five Minute Fix ... that seems to get a reaction out of
everyone. Honestly, we didn't expect it to hijack the whole discussion, it's 2 pages in a 260 page book. The thing is, it was written with tongue firmly in cheek
(sorry about that ... it's an unfortunate visual given the topic under discussion but I can't think of anything else). We're not telling women to give their OH b-jobs on demand or that their sexual needs aren't as important as their mens, because of course they are. We included the Five Minute Fix idea because a friend of ours mentioned it over dinner one night and it made us laugh and think, so we thought - what the
hell- let's put it in the book. We'd been talking about the supply/demand problem we were having in our marriages since
becoming mums, i.e. our supply of sex couldn't meet our husbands
demands. I know, I know in an ideal world you'd both want sex at
the same time (with each other) and it would be preceded by loads of
foreplay and afterwards you'd cuddle on a cloud or something. But
in the real world of nappies, and sleep deprivation and not feeling
thrilled about your naked self a lot of the time he's in the mood
and you're not (and I know for some, it's vice versa) so what do you do?
Our friend suggested that sometimes you try to redress the balance
with a bj. Because hey, it only takes about 5 minutes and he'll be
thrilled and you can go back to reading your book or whatever.
What's wrong with that? Obviously, we're not suggesting that you
reduce your sex life to a weekly bj, or that if you don't like
giving them you force yourself to do the act. If you really don't
like it, then of course, don't do it.

happybiggirl · 26/02/2007 21:06

Message withdrawn

WideWebWitch · 26/02/2007 21:08

Gosh, I'm a bit shocked at this 'bj to get you off the hook' idea.

My dh just bloody well had to wait until I felt like it.

CathyONeill · 26/02/2007 21:10

The title babyproof is rooted in the idea that we spend so much time talking about how to "babyproof" i.e. prepare other parts of our lives for the baby from the baby's room, to the house, to our careers but we don't think about having a baby will impact our marriages.

The three of us who wrote this book are married to great guys but we were surprised at how pissed off we were with them after we became parents. In some respects we felt like a hand grenade had been through into our marriage when the baby arrived. And of course, it wasn't the baby's fault. Kids are fabulous. The problem was the way that we responded to parenthood ... the scorekeeping, the bickering, issues with in-laws, not enough action in the bedroom that sort of thing. It took us by surprise and we couldn't find a book to help us so we wrote one.

TheOriginalXENA · 26/02/2007 21:10

Yes that normally works with DH. I'd have had to do something terribly wrong for it not to make everything right in his world

lulumama · 26/02/2007 21:10

what about DH being encouraged to help you feel good about your post baby naked body , rather than you having to service him as it only takes 5 and then you can get on with mumsy stuff!

men would possibly get lots more sex if they lent more of a hand with the day to day nitty gritty !!

happybiggirl · 26/02/2007 21:11

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 26/02/2007 21:11

Message withdrawn

lulumama · 26/02/2007 21:12

x post ...thanks for the answer...still think it has slightly negative connotations,,but it is a relevant point and not one that is often addressed i suppose....

wads · 26/02/2007 21:12

how do I get my olde worlde man put food on table - woman look after kids/house/work part time as well, to change his wicked ways?

TheOriginalXENA · 26/02/2007 21:12

so what do you say about scoring then? I can here DH'd whine of 'stop scoriiiinngg' My reply is always that I have no need to score as he will never beat me

Pann · 26/02/2007 21:12

it's you icod.

FluffyMummy123 · 26/02/2007 21:14

Message withdrawn

Pann · 26/02/2007 21:15

Totally. And where is Cathy?

FluffyMummy123 · 26/02/2007 21:15

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 26/02/2007 21:15

Message withdrawn

CathyONeill · 26/02/2007 21:16

Hi Hespera,

Kids will change everything, but they can change everything for the better. As long as you and your partner make your relationship a prioirty you'll be OK. But honestly for the first 3 - 6 months don't beat yourself up if the things just aren't the way they used to be. Chalk it all up to sleep deprivation and hormones. It will be a crazy (and wonderful) time and there's nothing you can do about it. Once you get passed the 6 month period try to spend time as a couple. Or at least relate to each other as a couple and not just as so and so's mum and dad it's easy to fall into that. The thing is at the end of the day one of the best things you can do for your kid is to give them a happy mum and dad, to give them the security of growing up in the middle of a loving relationship. So even if at times it seems impossible to leave a toddler who is clinging to your leg so that you can have a night out with your other half, do it. Because in a way you're doing it for that toddler!

TheOriginalXENA · 26/02/2007 21:16

YOU will never change your OH you either work you own ways of getting the best out of him and put up with the rest OR you leave

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/02/2007 21:16

Thanks Cathy.

Ditto what another poster said, surely a "quick fix" is not something a man in what youi are trying to make a good marriage wants? Surely it misses the point entirely?

malaleche · 26/02/2007 21:17

Hi Cathy, what is the 'best' piece of advice in your book, would you say?

CathyONeill · 26/02/2007 21:19

Lulumama is right. When men pitch in more, we're more likely to put out. Of course, men can do a hell of a lot to make their wives more receptive to having sex ... like giving the kids baths etc. so that she can put her feet up for a while. If men want to get their wives in the mood they should start the process at least an hour before so that she gets so time alone and can get out of mommy mode.