drug dependant baby, advice needed

[EarthMotherImNot]

I've been asked to foster a baby expected to be suffering drug withdrawal when it is born next week.

It is years since I've cared for one of these and any advice would be most gratefully received.

Hi EMIN, I totally agree with you about the babygro - I've already packed up my current LO's for when he leaves along with his bootees and tiny preemie dummy! It's amazing how big he looks next to them now.

You're lucky that baby loves her new family already - I had tears and tantrums every time my last little girl had to leave for the day and it broke my heart to have to send her off with them. Yours sound like they'll love her to pieces though which must make things slightly easier (in the long run. Nothing makes these next few days easier right now!)

(On a more personal note, my current placement finally seems "withdrawn" although quite severely behind his peers as a result, and I'm now looking forward to more happier times like you've had with your LO!)

I have cared for a couple of drug dependant babies but they have had to go cold turkey.
They appeared to like being swaddled and other carers with more experience told me not to touch them too much because the drugs make their skin very sensitive.
The piercing cry is dreadful. Most babies seem to like the womb sounds from the Slumber bear premium, especially if they hear it soon after birth.

I'm quite angry after talking to the family last night

Social services are pushing them to meet the birth mother, they are using some quite outrageous tactics, ie, lo will want to know you liked her mum, wtf, What the hell difference can it possibly make 16/18 years down the line.

Why should they like her???

Sadly they are so terrified of losing lo they are going along with this but are dreading it so much

Oh no! That sounds awful. How on earth is that beneficial to anyone?

I really don't understand the need for lo new family to have to meet up with her birth mother? Surely there must be more sensible reasons than lo wanting to know her parents liked her birth mum. It sounds totally inappropriate.

Do you have experience of this happening before EarthMotherImNot?

I don't know what SS agenda is, but if you think about it from the birth mothers side, I think if it was me, I'd like to meet the 'new' family that was going to look after my child for the rest of its life.

I know birth parents are often seemed to be given so many chances, constantly blow them, and as foster carers it can seem unfair.

I am quite amazed by my own reaction to this - I think you have done an absolutely award winning job EMIN, and the new family just sound so wonderful and doting on the LO, but I do feel for the bm too.

SS sound out of order for forcing the issue, saying these types of things, but what is one meeting at the end of the day?

Maybe even this isn't due to a request from the bm..? The new family don't have to like her - nor she them, but when the LO is older and starts asking questions, at least they can say that they did meet her once..

I agree in most cases it is beneficial to have a meeting but, sadly, lo's birth mum is back in the grip of drug taking big-time.

I have seen her once while she was in desperate need of her methadone and it was not a pleasant meeting.

The meeting is not at birth mums request, they have been told that social services always want this meeting to happen.

On a different note, we have had a meeting this morning with lo's social worker, the new family and Dh and I to discuss how intro's are going.

I told her that I have already spoken to the adoption worker (she rang yesterday) and in my opinion intro's have gone so well that it is in lo's best interest to move earlier than planned.

The tentative moving date was Friday but I feel one day is neither here nor there in the scheme of things.

I had, of course, discussed my feelings with mum and dad with the proviso that it is not, at the end of the day, my decision, but that it would be my instinct that dragging it on another day is in no-ones interests.

They have gone to discuss it at the adoption unit now so we should know soon.

This may be our last night with her

EMIN I have followed this thread from the very beginning and have lurked on"Fostering" for a while, as I am trying to make up my mind if this might be for me in the future.

I think it very unfair that the adoptive family are being pushed to meet birth mother. BM carried on taking drugs through out a pregnancy, gave birth to a drug dependant baby, then carries on using drugs.

Pregnancy was not enough to get her to give up, a very poorly baby was not enough to get her to give up, keeping her baby was not enough to get her to give up. In my opinion she should not even be on the scene !

Please enjoy your last night together as a family and I hope everything goes well. Will be thinking of you.

Thank you HTWH

It's official, it is to be our last night with her but she will finally have a mummy and daddy of her own.

They have her until 5pm when they bring her back and leave so that we can have an hour or so with her before bed.

I'm dreading it for Dh's sake, he's usually working away when the last night and leaving day arrive and he so adores her, we all do!

He's been very quiet today so it's getting to him I know.

I've said it before but for the record

I hate this part of fostering

hge huge hugs for you all.
i know it hurts i really do but all i can say is you have given this lo the best start in life.

oh i do feel for you. i remember how much it hurt when my longest lo left he took my heart with him and never sent it back.

i hope everything goes as well as it can in these situations.
let yourself grieve and remember just what you have done.
you taught this lo what love is and how to bond and trust.
well done.
i will be thinking of you
xxxxx

EMIN I've read the whole thread and am in tears. You are, quite simply, incredible. Every chance that little girl has now, she has because you and your DH fought for her. Please remember that, when you wave her off, and beyond.

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.

EMIN, I've just read the thread and I am in bits. You are an amazing lady. This little girl has all the opportunities that a little girl should have in life now, and that is all down to you and your dh and that's just amazing.

I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling now. I am thinking of you.

Another one sitting here in tears EMIN. I am in awe of the selflessness and total human decency you and DH have shown.

I can't imagine how much your heart is breaking right now but what you have given to this little girl and to her new parents is just incredible.

She has the chance of such a happy future and the love and security you gave her in her first ten months will be a big part of that.

Enormous hugs (don't care if they are un-mumsnetty) and lots of hand holding to both of you. And thank you for making the world a nicer place.

what a magnificent woman you are, earthmother, and all of you who foster children. this little girl was immensely lucky to be in your house and your hearts. i am in bits for you, tbh, that she is leaving, and that you are being so brave. well done.

Thank you all, I really appreciate you taking the time to post. As I've said many times, the support I get from mners is magnificent

The family have texted to say they are on their way back to ours now so I'll sign off for tonight, I have cuddles to give and lots of them.

I'll be back tomorrow when lo has left xxx

they must be so excited, it's such a dream, being a new parent. how wonderful.

thinking of you all this evening.
x

Feeling very sad for you EMIN, the end of a wonderful chapter :(

Do you think we could organise a collection for Emin, I'll bring the hugest bouquet of flowers!

Just read the whole thread, and I can't imagine how hard this part must be. Thinking of you all tonight and tomorrow x

Oh Emin,just wanted to say my heart goes out to you-I have been there and really feel your pain.I know that you will be trying to look on the bright side but...........it will still hurt-and hurt a bloody lot.

Virtual hugs to you and yours

xx

Thinking of you and your dh.

You have been a big part in creating a new family. I hope that your heart recovers and that lo is much loved by her proud new parents.

I really don't know where you find the strength.

I just cannot find the words. You are fantastic, an inspiration.

I really can't think of anything else except how wonderful you are. Be kind to yourself x

Good morning all, well it's not really but I suppose it's the sentiment that counts.

After an awful sleepless night, the duvet was upside down when I gave in and got up at 5.30am. I knew it was because it has a frill thing along the bottom and that was at the top

So I'm sat here watching the baby monitor for the first signs of her stirring and wondering if I should, perhaps, wake her up.

The new family will wait for me to text them to say she is ready but I know they are probably pacing up and down already.

I'll give her another 15 minutes then it's cuddle time awake or not!!!

We can do this, we can do this

thinking of you :(

She's gone

Poor Dh never usually sees this part, the goodbye, he came in after seeing them off and saw the floods of tears again, "would you like a whisky" he's just asked

Sadly we've just discovered we've forgotten to pack her cot blanket, I always make "my" babies one, so Dh is busy packing it up to post on to them.

It's been so difficult trying to stay cheerful for her this morning but I hope we got away with it.

Goodbye Ladybird xxx