to want to quit my job NOW and never, ever, ever, ever go back, and cross the street if I see anyone coming who has ever seen me there?

[IncontinentiaBotox]

I have far and away the most humiliating and revolting experience ever to share with you. I swear every word is completely factual.

A few days ago I discovered to my horror that I have threadworms. Not having any vile chemical preparations in the house, I decided to go the natural route and googled to find out what to do. I used various things but the relevant one is garlic. I ate three chopped up cloves of garlic each evening and shoved a scored clove up my arse before bed, to kill the ones which come bown to breed.

I went to work today and had horrific flatulence; this may be linked to the dinner of lentils and brussels sprouts I had last night. The stench was truly disgusting and there was just far too much wind to be able to hold it in, so I had to let it out in stages and hope for the best.

I work in a nursery and naturally everybody assumed it was the children. I ended up changin three children who hadn't pooed themselves just to avert suspicion from myself.

It got to the point where I felt a large and insistent turd descending and needed to go and let it out. So I slipped into the adult loo (there is only one) and sat down on the toilet to be greeted by a sort of "pop" as the clove of garlic popped out, then a long stage-whisper of impacted fart, then a massive turd. The smell was so strong I could almost taste it, and to my utter horror the air-freshener was all gone and the window jammed. I stayed in there for as laong as I could get away with but after about ten minutes somebody started trying the door, so I had to come out. Three consecutive colleagues then used the toilet - the smell of rotting shit-and-garlic pervaded the entire nursery and people were actually considering going home early because they felt sick.

Naturally everybody is pretending they don't know it was me - but everyone knows. It still stank in there when I left.

So AIBU to never, ever darken their doorstep again?

[OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper]

Stable door and all that, but that site recommends inserting the garlic at bedtime And Removing It In The Morning!

[IncontinentiaBotox]

yes but "funniest threa ever" threads are usually wind-ups

this is my actual LIFE

I might have to call in sick tomorrow and then just pretend nothing has happened on Monday

[choufleur]

PMSL. i'm trying to laugh loudly as DS is going to sleep.

I would have to call in sick with a tummy bug.

[cathcat]

This is why you should never stick things up your arse and then go to work. What goes UP must come DOWN.

Miggsie - your post had me ROFL.

[MrsChemist]

If you call in sick now, they will all be there tomorrow saying, "she called in sick because of the turbo shit she did yesterday."

At least if you go in they can't discuss it in front of you.

[DontSweattheSmallStuff]

[RustyBear]

Umm - if Incontientia had found Heqet's link during her research, she would have seen the vital words 'To be removed in the morning'......

[caen]

PMSL. If hadn't done quite so many pelvic floors it would be carnage here.

[IncontinentiaBotox]

Rusty that IS one of the links I saw

I didn't really think about taking it out though - how would you manually remove it? Doesn't bear thinking about! I assumed it would just be shat out the next time I needed to go - which would never normally be at work!

[Melaniefhappy]

You have just suceeded in erasing a hideous day for me- not many things make me laugh out loud. But this did.

You deserve a big class of wine, if not the bottle (just this once, and seeing as you are now unemployable and all..)

Incidentally, I would second getting the c.v. out- but not sure what terms they could fire you under if (excuse the pun) push came to shove...

xxxx

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

Surely it's gross misconduct to launch a biological attacks on one's colleagues?

[DontSweattheSmallStuff]

If there are any mums out there on MN who picked up their child from a particularly stinky nursery today, now they know why

[Thingiebob]

Phone in sick and tell them you have an awful, awful stomach bug.

It will explain all and you'll get sympathy!

[Bigpants1]

Not sure if you are for real or not-Lentils AND Brussel Sprouts????? And, after your"adventure" today, you then eat brussel sprouts again tonight! If you go in tomorrow,youll be farting again-still they wont smell of garlic...
Should you be at work with threadworms? Cant you ring-in tomorrow and say youve caught a rare stomach bug-"clove-up-my-arseitis"!!!

[IsThatTheTime]

That. Is. Brilliant!
Thank you so much, you've made my day!

[MogTheForgetfulCat]

Crying with laughter reading this - made even better by your truly magnificent username!

[MsMaryWollstonecraft]

roffle roffle roffle

...specially at "I ended up changin three children who hadn't pooed themselves just to avert suspicion from myself"

tee hee hee

[mummytowillow]

Absolutely hilarious

It would have been so much easier to take a tablet!!

[IncontinentiaBotox]

does anyone know how long the tablets take to work?

[SolidGoldBrass]

For future reference, OP, here's how to get rid of worms.
You need seven apples and six chocolate biscuits, and a hammer.
Every day for six days, first thing in the morning, shove one apple and one biscuit up your arse.
On the seventh day, shove the last apple up there and wait.
The worm will pop its head out of your ring and say 'Oi, where's my fuckin' biscuit?' and then you can pop it with the hammer.
Job done.

[almostreal]

OMG I dont think I've ever laughed at a thread so much before. My DH is looking rather alarmed.
Cant believe anyone would actually shove a clove of garlic up their arse!

[solo]

Pripsen work really fast.

[almostreal]

TBH if smelt so bad that people felt sick they could probably well believe you really are ill.

[PacificDogwood]