to want to quit my job NOW and never, ever, ever, ever go back, and cross the street if I see anyone coming who has ever seen me there?

[IncontinentiaBotox]

I have far and away the most humiliating and revolting experience ever to share with you. I swear every word is completely factual.

A few days ago I discovered to my horror that I have threadworms. Not having any vile chemical preparations in the house, I decided to go the natural route and googled to find out what to do. I used various things but the relevant one is garlic. I ate three chopped up cloves of garlic each evening and shoved a scored clove up my arse before bed, to kill the ones which come bown to breed.

I went to work today and had horrific flatulence; this may be linked to the dinner of lentils and brussels sprouts I had last night. The stench was truly disgusting and there was just far too much wind to be able to hold it in, so I had to let it out in stages and hope for the best.

I work in a nursery and naturally everybody assumed it was the children. I ended up changin three children who hadn't pooed themselves just to avert suspicion from myself.

It got to the point where I felt a large and insistent turd descending and needed to go and let it out. So I slipped into the adult loo (there is only one) and sat down on the toilet to be greeted by a sort of "pop" as the clove of garlic popped out, then a long stage-whisper of impacted fart, then a massive turd. The smell was so strong I could almost taste it, and to my utter horror the air-freshener was all gone and the window jammed. I stayed in there for as laong as I could get away with but after about ten minutes somebody started trying the door, so I had to come out. Three consecutive colleagues then used the toilet - the smell of rotting shit-and-garlic pervaded the entire nursery and people were actually considering going home early because they felt sick.

Naturally everybody is pretending they don't know it was me - but everyone knows. It still stank in there when I left.

So AIBU to never, ever darken their doorstep again?

[SolidGoldBrass]

IB: If by 'hasn't worked' you mean that the worms are not all shooting out of your arse, wailing and making for the nearest exit, learn a little patience FFS. These things surely take a day or two to work.

[BarkisIsWilling]

Those worms must be made of stern stuff if the double ended garlic attack hasn't scared them off!

[SomeGuy]

At least it wasn't guinea worm.

"Stagnant water sources host microscopic, fresh-water arthropods known as copepods, which carry the larvae of the Guinea worm.

The larvae develop for approximately two weeks inside the copepods. At this stage the larvae can cause Guinea worm disease if the infected copepods are not filtered from drinking water. The male Guinea worm is typically much smaller (1.2?2.9 centimeters, 0.5?1.1 inches long) than the female, which, as an adult, can grow to between 2 and 3 feet (0.91 m) long and be as thick as a spaghetti noodle.

Once inside the body stomach acid digests the water flea, but not the Guinea worm larvae sheltered inside. These larvae find their way to the body cavity where the female mates with a male Guinea worm. This takes place approximately three months after infection. The male worm dies after mating and is absorbed.

The female, which contains larvae, burrows into the deeper connective tissues or adjacent to long bones or joints of the extremities.

Approximately one year after the infection began the worm attempts to leave the body by creating a blister in the human host's skin?usually on a person's lower extremities like a leg or foot.

This blister causes a very painful burning sensation as the worm emerges. Within 72 hours the blister ruptures, exposing one end of the emergent worm.

Infected persons often immerse the affected limb in water to relieve this burning sensation. Once the blister or open sore is submerged in water the adult female releases hundreds of thousands of Guinea worm larvae, contaminating the water supply.

Once a Guinea worm emerges a person must wrap the live worm around a piece of gauze or a stick to extract it from the body. This long, painful process can take up to a month"

[caramelwaffle]

ahhhhhhhh

have patience o'little one
put down SPG's spoon of 'lazy wrath
make not your bum to have dragons breath
let not the fruit of sprout, nor juice of garlic pass your lips
get the little blighter's out
by shaking your hips
magic Kemi'kals next time
though you've brought us much mirth
I bet you'd rather have had
a triplet birth

[caramelwaffle]

Ewwwwwww - someguy

[SolidGoldBrass]

Look on the bright side, OP: you could develop another side line (when you need a break from producing your special fart-fetishist DVDs) supplying superhero worms to all those boden-wearing home composters...

[PacificDogwood]

Yeah, put the wee blighters to good use on a Worm Farm

[IncontinentiaBotox]

at guinea worm

that is DISGUSTING

at least I didn't contaminate the water supply and give everyone guinea worm

am quite taken with the idea of threadworm farm though - maybe little miniature bonsai worm farms - could catch on as an executive toy, no? Like a zen garden?

[WhatNoLunchBreak]

If you want to go the natural route next time, rather use wormwood; or I've heard that pumpkin seeds work well too.

Sorry to hear about your ordeal. I'm for you!

[lucyellensmumagain]

Pumpkin seeds?? her arse would be like a machine gun!!

[BarkisIsWilling]

IncontinentiaBotox "at least I didn't contaminate the water supply..."

No, just the air supply. Which your colleagues will agree is much much better!

[WhatNoLunchBreak]

lucyellensmumagain:

[FaithinQuestion]

LMAO! Err no, the pumpkin seeds are not meant to be shoved up bum

from very old mumsnet discussion....
"Pumpkin seeds
Pumpkin seeds are a traditional remedy for worms. They work by paralysing the worms but not killing them so it is important that a natural laxative, such as psyllium seeds or flaxseed oil to move the worms out of the digestive system. "

was this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/138/102676

good luck with the little critters..

[kalo12]

I hope this makes the daily mail round up

[BarkisIsWilling]

Still ROFL at this

[tiredfeet]

I am soooo regretting opening this thread given I have truly horrendous morning sickness at the moment

OP, poor you, but given that info is out there on the internet I bet you're not the first person that has happened to (hoping that gives you some comfort!).

[BarkisIsWilling]

Sorreeee!

[Cinderellarach]

[Marjee]

Hahahaha! I'm literally shrieking with laughter at this thread! Thats absolutely hilarious, thanks op for the best laugh I've had in ages!

[MyPrettyFloralBonnet]

Tomorrow you could use two garlic cloves, if one was bad, two could be lethal. If anyone comments threaten them with three assuming it will not make your back end pant with the devils itching and your eyes water before you can bung the little cubicle up...

Just a thought - really...

[HeartSkipsABeat]

Fucking brilliant thread! Wow there are some classics on MN, I've only been here a year (with different names) - so much to catch up on...

[ClittyClatterous]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sorry if you were traumatised. I would have been to but from the outside looking in it is a very funny story. You made me smile before I log out and go to sleep.

Just brazen it out. Everyone has one vile poo incident in their lives. I'll quickly share mine.

New bathroom being fitted. Plumbers fitted the toilet one night temporarily so we could use it and they would finish the next day. I was 9 mth pregnant. Did a man size poo (7ft burly man). Happy and relieved it was out of my system.

Next day I came home from a day out and was told the horrendous story by DH of how the plumber hadn't fitted the outside waste pipe correctly. He had noticed and when he took the pipe out to refit it my man size (7ft burly man) poo had festered overnight and expanded in water. It was a very hot July. Plumbers assistant had to remove it and was found wretching in the back garden for quite a while after.

Poor fella. I didn't feel guilty. It made me laugh for a week.

[slim22]

Oh am laughing out loud!

[thumbwitch]

oh how did I miss this the first time around?

You poor woman. It wouldn't have mattered one jot if you and all your co-workers had been male - you would have gone down as some kind of legend. I know this because that is exactly what happened to DH after a similar seek-and-destroy stench episode in his works' loo - it was unusable for easily half an hour but everyone high-fived him and said "good one!"
They were still talking about the "day DH stunk the workfloor out" months later, with admiring glances and much backslapping.

Men are peculiar animals...