to want to quit my job NOW and never, ever, ever, ever go back, and cross the street if I see anyone coming who has ever seen me there?

[IncontinentiaBotox]

I have far and away the most humiliating and revolting experience ever to share with you. I swear every word is completely factual.

A few days ago I discovered to my horror that I have threadworms. Not having any vile chemical preparations in the house, I decided to go the natural route and googled to find out what to do. I used various things but the relevant one is garlic. I ate three chopped up cloves of garlic each evening and shoved a scored clove up my arse before bed, to kill the ones which come bown to breed.

I went to work today and had horrific flatulence; this may be linked to the dinner of lentils and brussels sprouts I had last night. The stench was truly disgusting and there was just far too much wind to be able to hold it in, so I had to let it out in stages and hope for the best.

I work in a nursery and naturally everybody assumed it was the children. I ended up changin three children who hadn't pooed themselves just to avert suspicion from myself.

It got to the point where I felt a large and insistent turd descending and needed to go and let it out. So I slipped into the adult loo (there is only one) and sat down on the toilet to be greeted by a sort of "pop" as the clove of garlic popped out, then a long stage-whisper of impacted fart, then a massive turd. The smell was so strong I could almost taste it, and to my utter horror the air-freshener was all gone and the window jammed. I stayed in there for as laong as I could get away with but after about ten minutes somebody started trying the door, so I had to come out. Three consecutive colleagues then used the toilet - the smell of rotting shit-and-garlic pervaded the entire nursery and people were actually considering going home early because they felt sick.

Naturally everybody is pretending they don't know it was me - but everyone knows. It still stank in there when I left.

So AIBU to never, ever darken their doorstep again?

[IncontinentiaBotox]

but how long will the one dose take to kill them all?

I am actually quite distressed about their presence (as evidenced by my shoving veg up my khazi)

[lucyellensmumagain]

hang on a minute - you said you did it twice - and disgraced yourself once - WHERE IS THE OTHER CLOVE?????

[BadGardener]

LMAO....
Makes Pripsen sound almost benign in comparison.

[heQet]

What goes up must come down. Tomorrow's news at 10

[caramelwaffle]

Where hahahahahahahaha is haha the other clove?

[ZZZenAgain]

The Missing Clove

starring IncontinentiaBotox, some ounhappy worms and a peculiarly fragrant nursery

[ILovePlayingDarts]

While I have much sympathy for the OP, I have just spent the last 10 minutes corpsing. Tears are rolling down my face.
And I've now got sore tummy muscles.

[Jacksmama]

This is the funniest thread EVER... my stomach muscles hurt from laughing!!

Oh dear OP - my sympathies .

Thank you thank you thank you - I really needed to laugh this hard!

[PacificDogwood]

PMSL at "The Missing Clove"
I can see it up in lights in Times Square..

OP, works immediately, at worst you will pass worm corpses

[GetDownYouWillFall]

bet you felt a bit flushed

Perhaps you need to, err, take some
time off in loo

[kellze]

OMGWTFBBQ

So damned funny i very nearly PMSL'd

I have had week from hell including being mde redundant and I needed this. I no longer care about my job (i wasnt going back after birth anyway) and am now super happy.

Really sorry about your job though. XX

[squashimodo]

Crying, much laughter, tea spurted from nostrils, hahahahahahahahahahahaha................
sorry op, but omg
I very nearly big Oed

[Jacksmama]

Best thread... best thread!!!!!

[PeedOffWithNits]

totally choking and pmsl at SGBs post at 20:50

"For future reference, OP, here's how to get rid of worms.
You need seven apples and six chocolate biscuits, and a hammer.
Every day for six days, first thing in the morning, shove one apple and one biscuit up your arse.
On the seventh day, shove the last apple up there and wait.
The worm will pop its head out of your ring and say 'Oi, where's my fuckin' biscuit?' and then you can pop it with the hammer.
Job done. "

[PeedOffWithNits]

PMSL at best thread worm? now too

[SimpleAsABC]

Hilarious. This is why I love mn.

[BistoBear]

Crying with laughter at SGB's remedy!

[Hermya321]

I'm sorry OP but this is seriously funny, I hope work goes ok for you.

YANBU for wanting to leave the country, I think if I did that I'd just develope a mysterious ailement and move abroad.

I think maybe they're onto something with sick bug though.

[Pikelit]

Don't worry. The bottom hasn't fallen out of your world. The world has, however, fallen out of your bottom.

[PavlovtheCat]

i won't tell them it was you

[PurplePillow]

this is the funniest thread I have read in ages

Thank you OP, Hope your worms are gone soon but roffle

[PurplePillow]

And meant to add my congratulations....

You are bound to make MP's round up

[IncontinentiaBotox]

LOL at you bunch of heartless meanies

"the world has however fallen out of your bottom"

I swear to God, when I die and the Almighty pronounces me unworthy to enter the kingdom of heaven, I will be catapulted straight back to That Fucking Toilet

the stench was so thick you could almost see it

sorry to disappoint, but the Mystery Of The Missing Clove is solved - I shat that one out the previous morning

[piprabbit]

IncontinentiaBotox - I'm so sorry for your hilarious traumatic experience.

FWIW I think your mistake (ignoring the first and foremost mistake of actually shoving garlic up your arse) was to linger in the cubicle for 10 minutes. It only drew everyone's attention so they were all aware of exactly who walked out of the toilet.

For future reference, get out as soon as possible while fanning the air/gasping for breath and making loud comments about how bad the smell is. Wonder aloud who was the last person before you to use the toilet. Generally try to brazen your way out and distract and divert attention from your own crime.