How To Wind Up Your Parents - A Manual for Children

[BellaBear]

1. When rummaging about the washing pile, make sure you find the oldest, most embarrassing pair of pants and put them on your head. When there are people round.

Oh dear spicemonster Don't know why I'm grinning, I've got all this to look forward to .

Wonderstuff, have you been lurking in my house lately? Your descriptions are spookily accurate.

insist on taking the largest object you can find into the car with you or refuse to get into said car without half nelson assistance.
Onnce in car seat, demand whatever is just out of reach whilst sat in carseat. If your mother can not manage to reach this for your by twisting her self round in agonising postion in the 2.4 seconds whilst sat at red lights, scream for the rest of the car journey.
This always makes for a really fun school run. repeat four times daily (to school and back am and pm) plus any shopping trips etc.

Have found so many of these so familiar!!

Toddlers - If daddy should dare to give mummy so much as an affectionate look, make sure you spend the night screaming/vomiting.
Anything, as long as you ensure they are unable to spend any quality time together.

I mean, we don't want anymore of you, do we?

Twin babies: If you shared a cot/incubator in hospital, and your parents are stupid enough to try and make you share a cot because they think it's cute, poke, prod, climb on, kick and generally wake each other up til they seperate you.

Babies, be the most content infant of all time, let EVERYONE hold you, be perfectly still while they do this, then when mummy tries co-sleeping, wiggle and squirm like there's no tomorrow!

A la Bart Simpson: Parents love seeing their keys swirling down the toilet.

They also love seeing 10 rolls of loo roll shoved down said loo

Toddlers, when being introduced to new baby, and being ever so gentle and good, wait til all the adults turn away, then hit/poke/bite or generally annoy smaller child.

Seven Year old - go to school without knickers, only borrow knickers from friend after school at playdate and tell her mum its because you did not have any clean ones.

Lose your school jumper regularly between saying goodbye to the teacher and hello to mummy, not to have it appear again for at least 2 weeks.

Toddler - Brush Mummy's hair with the toilet brush while she is sleeping.

Make a nice drawing of a tiger on the wall with your poo. Or if poo is made in the toilet explain loudly what it is, a big dog or a green spider. While at it roll down all the toilet paper and flush away.

Go to visit neighbour with mummy, say you are hungry and would like a sandwich, let neighbour make a lovely toasted sandwich and then say you don't want it. After mummy has eaten your sandwich, say yes please for an ice cream and after one lick give it to mummy to eat.

heres one to make daddy feel really good about himself -
1 - wait till he gets out of the shower and while sitting on the bathroom floor laugh hysterically and point shouting 'daddy,you funny looking willy' this will ensure that he twist himself to check afore mentioned bit is not 'funny looking'
2 - If he manages to wrap a towel round himself before you start step 1, wait till he is getting clean underwear grab towel and then go to step 1 follow this up by shouting out of bedroom window to small child next door 'that daddy willy funny' best to make sure there is at least half the street in their gardens.

Bonus point if you tell the Avon Lady who comes to the door.

Tonights offering -

Find plastic beach spade
Strip off
Get in bath with Daddy
Spot floating willy of daddys
Scream like the devil is after your soul
Hit floating willy with spade
Watch mummy roll on the floor with laughter
Wonder why daddy is a funny colour

Shedancestheflamingo - an alternative to this is walking through the park with part of a fallen tree shouting 'mummy look I've got a bit dick - mummy a big dick look!!'

babyice bean - pmsl!!! i dont know why ive been laughing so hard all day i have dd 1o weeks!! and have all this to come!!!

toddlers,daddy would love some help filling up the car's petrol tank.No petrol within reach? Sand works just as well,daddy will be lost for words.

Thank you so much, am laughing so much!

And a new rule discovered today....

The severity of a vomiting bug you catch must be directly proportional to the amount of money (and tine and effort in organising a babysitter) that mummy and daddy have spent planning a much anticipated evening out.

Insist you don't need a poo despite repeated asking until poo pants... regularly

Shout 'Jesus Christ!' back at the priest

Call out 'help' repeatedly while being pushed around town in your pushchair

focus on an impossibility then protest loudly ad nauseum because your request is not granted.

Hold the tv remote against your sisters head and say 'infa-red in your head' x100

Teenagers

useful phrases
"Well, it's not my fault" This is your reply for all situations, it's a bit like a "get out of jail free" card from Monopoly.

"I heard you" Reserve this one for when your mother shouts up the stairs that your tea is ready.Several times. But don't say it until your mother has run up 2 flights of stairs and banged on your bedroom door. Repeat this every day until you move out.

Dishwasher rules

When emptying the dishwasher make sure you stack everything up in the cupboard so the next person who opens the door ends up with a big pile of broken casserole dishes on the floor. But make sure that the lids survive intact.
Never, ever put anything in the dishwasher. Just stack it up on the side.
Take extra care to put your mother's best glasses in the dishwasher, the ones she got for her birthday, so that the lovely decorations on them are ruined.

Washing machine rules
Only put clean, unworn clothes in the wash basket. Dirty ones, obviously, stay on the floor or under the bed.
Make sure you put your lolly/lollipop sticks in your pockets. You only need 3 to completely bugger the washing machine.
Never turn the machine off. Make sure the button is still flashing when Mum gets back from work, 10 hours later.

Make sure you talk to your sister. Something like "you need a shave, you have hairs growing on your top lip", She will love you forever!

Aged 5. shout "hairy willies" and "bumholes" at the top of your voice at traffic lights or in any quiet public place. Churches are optimum.

Take off all your clothes in any store - the larger and more busy the better - whilst mum isn't looking and then run away as fast as you can when she sees you. Extra points for doing it whist mum is trying on bras. Top marks for hiding the discarded clothes.

Aged 4
Slip off seat belt whilst mum is driving on motorway and try to climb through the sunroof

Aged 4 and 5. Tell mum (preferably whilst she is trying to scrape the pancake off the kitchen ceiling whilst wondering how to turn off the smoke alarm) that daddy's new dp cooks much better.

Whilst on the subject, do mention that daddy's new dp mustn't eat as many pancakes as mummy becasue she's much thinner

Another rule for the washing machine and teenagers

Leave your keys in the pocket of your jeans and attempt to retrieve them mid-cycle. Ignore the door lock and just yank on the door until it comes off in your hand. They can easily get a new one from the net.

lol purepurple.

Develop a god complex to infuriate your non religious parents. Whenever dragged to boring weddings or funerals and someone says 'praise be to god' (or such compliments), stand up and loudly say 'thank you very much'.

Babies/toddlers :

Wake at 3am with a whingey moan. When Mummy comes in to settle you off go back off nicely- Or pretend too! Give mummy enough time to get back into bed and comfy and just when shes about to doze off again, wake and commence the whingey moaning.
Repeat numerous times!

Go to nursery/childminders wearing a sanitry towel all day in you knickers, or better still wait till someone important comes for a visit and stick 2 or 3 on your head/face or wherever else is in full view.

Gather up mums contraceptive pills and tampax/towels (unopened ones are best) and post them thru the elderly (strict RC) neighbours letterbox while playing at being postman pat. (they found it hillarious)

• meant opened ones are best