How To Wind Up Your Parents - A Manual for Children

[BellaBear]

1. When rummaging about the washing pile, make sure you find the oldest, most embarrassing pair of pants and put them on your head. When there are people round.

Insist on shouting White CAR when one passes whilst in pushchair...Of course it dosen't sound like whitecar it sounds like 'wanker'
Same for horses which are 'WHORES'.

When an advert for the latest wrinkle-smoothing cream comes on TV, watch intently before piping up 'Mummy, you should get that'.

In a similar vein, when it is your darling mother's birthday, pick an age between 10 and 90 and inform strangers and playmates that she is turning that age today.

Tell your nanny (childcarer)at the top of your voice she is your GRANDMA , not letting on to everyone around that your real grandma is known as nanny.

Listen intently during a briefing prior to the health visitor's arrival encouraging you to 'behave nicely because this lady is very important', repeat to said health visitor 'Mummy says you're very annoying'.

Work out that Mummy has not gone to work but is in fact upstairs in the study. Wait until she's on a transatlantic phone call to a very important potential new client. Ignore her frantic "go downstairs and find daddy" gestures. Climb onto her knee and make low moaning noises. Vomit down her cleavage and then, for good measure, into her keyboard.

She'll thank you for it, she really will.

Note well, children, that the timing of making a full recovery from any ailment must be applied correctly and with accuracy.
The restoring of oneself to rude (and usually boisterous) health should only be achieved at one of the following times:
-once the babysitter has been cancelled
-after that important meeting that was vital to one your parents' career has been postponed
-a few minutes after one of your parents has phoned the school to say you're not coming in
-the exact moment that you place your foot inside the doctor's surgery

Mummy or daddy will be so relived that you're no longer a death's door that they will gladly dedicate the rest of their wasted day to attending your unreasonable demands for crap tv and unhealthy snacks, safe in the knowledge that they have nothing better to do with their time today anyway.

SheDancesTheFlamingo - can I add to your post the importance of timing any major ailment so it clashes with something your parent has been looking forward to for weeks. Then effect the miraculous recovery you describe.

exactamundo!!!

When invading your parents bed at 5.30 on a Saturday morning, always assume the H position. Thats the one where you lay horizontally between your parents, forcing them to balance on the edge of their kingsize mattress. If they do manage to fall back to sleep this will ensure shoulder/back/everything ache for the rest of the morning.

In resturants where the toilets are upstairs, refuse to accompany mummy to have a wee "just to try", then wait until she sits back down to announce that you really need a wee. For extra points repeat upon arrival of each course.

If you are in the car on a looooooong journey learn the click.

Practise clicking until it is not obviously coming from you.It should be loud enough to be heard over the engine but not loud enough to be child generated.Wait till the driver, daddy is good for this,and commence clicking preferably on a stretch of motorway where it is impossible to pull over.Start clicking.Daddy will really love you!

Breast feeders - wait till mummy has you latched on in a discreet part of the motorway service carpark,wait untill a group of teenage lads pull up next to you even tho there is spaces elsewhere.Pull off exposing mummy completely, laugh while the teenage lad goes red and has no idea where to look.Even funnier wait till mummy has you latched on in the house while visitors are there and unlatch, this really gets you points when it is the Parish Priest who has come around to arrange your Baptism.

Nearly nine yr olds - develop magpie like qualities and remove all of your mum's Tiffany jewellery to "somewhere in your room" because it looked nice with your skinny jeans.
Said jewellery should never be seen again thus causing maximum ire to both parents. (dad loves the loss of hundreds of pounds worth of jewellery)

Also, try on every single item in your wardrobe every single day and declare you need new clothes as nothing fits.
Mum will later discover that nothing fits as you cut up most of your clothes to use as outfits for your Build-a-bear that grandma stupidly was kind enough to spoil you with buy you.
Ideally time this sort of thing for the week before your mum actually gets paid for the first time in 3 months as she has only just started a new job after being made redundant.

When you come in from school, don't waste time going upstairs to take your clothes off - do it in the hallway, where passersby can see you, and do drop everything on the floor and leave it there in a knotty pile. It makes it sooo much easier for mummy to pick up then, just before she gives you your snack whilst you're wearing nothing but your PANTS.

When you're shopping with mummy and you see someone fat, or a man with long hair "like a girl", or a woman who looks masculine, don't hold it in, say what you mean. As loudly as you like. Preferably with pointing actions too, so noone is in any doubt as to whom you're talking about.

When mummy asks "why don't you get dressed nicely for mummy like you do for daddy?" when you're still in your pyjamas half an hour after being sent upstairs to get dressed for school, say "because we don't like you." It's so much better that I know the truth.

when you are in the bath why not empty all of mummys clarins collection into the bath with you, oh how she will laugh as shes the one left to scrape it out the bath

if your mum puts something you dont fancy in your school packed lunch, why not tell your teacher you are allergic to white bread so the school phone mummy at work in a disaprooving voice

Toddlers-

The correct place for condiments is not, in fact, the kitchen table, where they may mistakenly be used to add flavour to meals. The correct place is on the floor/in the garden/buried in the sandpit/in the loo.

Conversely, the correct place for you to sit is not on the chair, but on the kitchen table.

(Note- it is easier to sit on the table if you first apply the above advice.)

Stand up in your buggy whilst mummy is trying on clothes in the shop, pull your trousers down and inform Daddy, and the whole shop that, "My WeeWee is UP!!"

To see how fast mummy and daddy can leave a restaurant, insert your finger into your nappy and pull out a finger full of poo to brandish at the whole place!

Teenagers - it doesn't matter that you have not one but two expensive bikes, and that you owe your parents £73, complain bitterly that you need new handlebars and insist that the alternative new grips they suggest, at one fifth of the cost, will be entirely inadequate, then sulk and gloom for the entire weekend because you aren't going to be doing any decent riding until you get back from holiday.

When mum points out that your fortnight in the south of France hardly qualifies as something to be miserable about, stick a sullen look on your face and refuse to accept that you will have any fun at all on said holiday. Do this last thing at night, ensuring that your parents don't get to go to bed when they are knackered, and then repeat in the morning to ensure you spoil the weekend.

....And breathe!!

I posted earlier about how effective Sudocrem can be as a carpet cleaner. This morning we learned that black shoe polish is even better. It also makes good lipstick / body camouflage, and can ensure that the party dress your mother lovingly chose for you before you were born, and that you were wearing for the first time, will never be worn again.

Remember children it is imperative that however small the accident you scream bloody murder and pretend to be dizzy/unconscious/maimed until your parents have rushed you at high speed to A&E and the doctor has actually arrived. Ensure you keep your performance up for the triage nurse as well to ensure you get the doctor who will most appreciate this particular frolic.

Now, as soon as the doctor turns up smile sweetly and say 'I'm fine but mummy/daddy shouldn't push me'.

When you make a loud observational comment eg. "Mummy that man is really fat" or "That lady has got a moustache" and your parents give you that look (which can vary from wide staring eyes and pursed lips to sheer terror accompanied with a subtle finger to lips "shhhh" gesture) it really means repeat the comment several more times,getting louder each time as the entire shop/restaurant/street didn't hear you the first time

teenagers..always have a collection of mugs and glasses in your bedroom..at least 3 of which will be growing mould

When out shopping with your Mum and you're sitting in a pushchair eating an apple one way to get everyones attention when in a big queue or busy shop is to push bits of apple up your nose.

Your Mum will happily believe that everyones looking at you thinking how refreshing it is to see a child eating and enjoying fruit....little does she know

Oh thereistheball

When mummy is in a hurry to get to work and you need to go to nursery, lie on the floor and sob that you can't put your shoes on because 'they are really freaking me out'.

On meeting your downstairs neighbours, who are from Burundi ask in a loud voice why they have weird brown skin.

When visiting the doctors surgery, point to the very overweight man who has just walked in and say 'mummy look at the big fat man!'

Seconds after you have got on the bus announce that you really need a wee wee right now.

On another bus trip, make sure to take the keys out of mummy's pocket so that she has spend at least half an hour sorting out a locksmith. Make sure this is done on a cold and windy day for extra effect.

if you are ever in the doctors waiting to go in and mummy is playing guess what is wrong with the next person that walks in game, when it is your turn and a man walks in, remember to say as loud as you can, he has toxic shock syndrome
all those waiting, and mummy will think you ever so cute