How To Wind Up Your Parents - A Manual for Children

[BellaBear]

1. When rummaging about the washing pile, make sure you find the oldest, most embarrassing pair of pants and put them on your head. When there are people round.

look blankly when offered healthy foods by other mums,and when they say what do you eat at home shout chocolate loudly

Be sure to ALWAYS comment on complete strangers' appearences, they are bound to be delighted to be kept up to date on their weight and its relation to that of your mother's. It is especially helpful to shout at the top of your voice " Sporticus wouldn't eat that" when watching your mother eating anything other than "sportcandy" (ie sausage roll, bag of chips etc.)

be sure to strip butt naked at every opportunity,when mum is occupied paying shopping.

ooh! almost forgot. Always save a motion for about half an hour after you have been in bed. It is a sure fire way of ensuring you can get out of bed. As a parent am so impressed my dc can manage this feat of digestive wizardry!!

whine cry beg,plead for a specific food in cafe and then when it arrives shout I no like it

Take icecream out of the freezer, especially mummy's favourite, and hide it, so no-one finds it until it is fully thawed out, and leaking out of cardboard container.
Such a lovely surprise.

Always hide your very favourite tiny toys in a special, special place so that you and mummy can never find them again. At regular intervals, question mummy sadly about the whereabout of said toys over at least a six month period. Ideally the toys should be expensive to replace, coming as part of a much larger set of other items and unavailable as individual items. Never, ever lose or hide anything from the pound shop.

When mummy is trying on swimsuits in a department store changing room, say in a very loud voice " Oh, mummy, I think you'll have to get a bigger size!"

When on the bus, ask mummy (loudly, so everyone else can hear too) to tell you the story again about how babies get into their mummies' tummies.

When mummy puts a bottle of wine in her shopping trolley, shout "Oh, mummy, not more wine!"

If mummy's hair doesn't look as funky as you'd like it, a good dollop of leftover breakfast, surreptitiously rubbed in while having a cuddle will leave it spikey and able to be moulded into much better shapes.

Insist on using a straw whenever you are offered a drink in a cafe. Straws can be innocently depressed between teeth and will flick juice at a range of about eight feet (or three tables away) when they shoot out the cup, enabling you to hit both the mummy from preschool your mummy was hoping to impress and the aggressive looking chap in the football shirt.

upon meeting granny at train station when she asks "are you happy to see me" say "Noooooooooooo" when she goes in for a kiss shout "eugh Noooooooooo" and rub your face.

if seated near the fire exit be sure to push the big door- makes a GREAT noise

wait til the restaurant i really quiet and shout i did a POO POO

if you observe your mum looking uncharacteristically well dressed be sure to drool some snot on her shoulder.(works esp well on work days)

Itstooearlyforgin - further to the poo just after bedtime. If you are old enough to get out of your cot/bed and have worked out how to access your nappy, it is very helpful indeed for you to take off the pooey nappy and put it on the floor. You can then wipe your bottom on the carpet/rug/chair and go back to bed with your pooey bottom.

This ensures that when mummy comes to check you at her bedtime she will have every chance of stepping on the pooey nappy, and will then have to get you out of bed and clean off all the now dried-on poo, before putting you back in a nappy and clean pyjamas, and changing the sheets before putting you back to bed - probably nicely awake and ready to keep mummy and daddy awake too.

As a variation, after you have taken off your pooey nappy and wiped your bottom on the floor etc, you could get a nearly full, huge tub of sudocrem, and coat yourself and the carpet and furniture with 75% of the contents. Then daddy can have the fun of trying to scrape sudocrem out of the carpet and off the furniture, whilst mummy takes you and showers you repeatedly in order to try to remove the oily stuff!!

Older children - if you are sleeping in a top bunk bed, and happen to feel sick, there's no need to get down and try to go to the bathroom (or even the waste paper bin). If you throw up from your top bunk, you can splatter vomit all the way down your bed, your brother's lower bunk bed and your baby brother's cot - and down the back of the radiator, if you really try.

Mummy and daddy will have such fun cleaning that up!!

This would be such a good book, wonder if it could be sold for charity?

When out shopping with Mummy, hide. While Mummy panics, find a shop assistant and tell them you are lost. When Mummy spots you with assistant and rushes forward in relief, yell 'that's not my Mummy'.

You're right, babyicebean - perhaps Mumsnet Towers could produce it around Christmas - I know lots of my friends who would weep with laughter at some of the things here!

When out with mummy and daddy at the supermarket, wait till they are quietly paying and then stare intently at the funky student check-out boy with the cool hair cut and say very loudly and at least 10 times "mummy that man needs a hair cut".

Watch how quickly the chocolate buttons come out!

Oh and having visited the Dr with mummy, wait until at least you have her attention in a check out queue later in the day in a very busy supermarket to ask "mummy, why did that man have his hand in your bottom?"

It's a great way to get her to abandon the shopping basket and rush you home thus eliminating lots of boring shopping time.

spike a high temp with scary symptoms get mum to rush to gp for you to immediately perk up,play with GP tie and burble happily

leaving mum looking neurotic gibbering but but like an over dramatic drama queen

Toddlers: don't forget to draw attention to any difference between your mummy and any other mummy you meet in the local shopping centre. Extra points if it's one you are likely to see again. This works well at the nursery door too.

Include derogative references to race, fatness and smell. If you can add 'is that a mummy or a daddy mummy?' she will give you an extra special kiss for being so inquisitive.

teenagers, make sure that you put one very small item in the washing machine to wash on a very long wash, when mum asks why? go into a strop and shout 'you always go on about me doing my own washing' and follow this with 'i cant do anything to please you can i?'
mums will be so grateful that you have learnt how to use the washing machine that she will cry

And don't forget to put pockets full of tissues into the full machine!

but dont ever use the tissues for the purpose they are intended for. in fact, just carry them for clogging up the machine.

OOOh, it's in MN classics!

Toddlers: shops place items on aisle ends deliberately to give you something to bat and grab when passing - they would be sorely disappointed if you ignore their handiwork. Those long hook things tend to move if you lift them slightly and you can really get a load of stuff onto the floor with a swift swipe.

If you can do this slightly above your head mummy gets hit on the ankle by falling clothes and teaches you exciting new words to repeat in church.

As it should be, Bella