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Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?

538 replies

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 22:31

Before I start I know it’s none of my business and I’m a bad person I’m sure but…

I was at Snape Maltings today which is a nice arts centre with a lovely shop selling all sorts of home wares and furniture. It’s very quiet and sedate.
Anyway, a woman started yelling at her husband. The whole place was pretending not to listen while giving each other looks. Turned out that he had ordered a perfectly innocent side table without talking to her about it first. She demanded that he cancel the order and he refused. He sat down on a sofa in the shop and she went and sat in the car. Every so often she’d come back and stick her head around the door, tell him the table was disgusting, and stomp back out.

When we left, Alan was still sat on the sofa. But I want to know how it ended. Are they still there now? Did Alan cancel the order?

Were any of you there?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
19
CatHugger · 31/08/2025 09:56

YanTanTetheraPetheraBumfitt · 30/08/2025 23:24

Yeah I wouldn’t like it either. Saying that there are paintings in this house I detest and I bite my tongue as it’s dh’s house too. However I swear they’re coming down before he’s even cold if I outlive him. 😁

Same. There's a huge painting of DH's in our bedroom. It clashes with the décor and isn't very good, but he did it himself so I can't say anything. There are also prints in our bedroom that he brought with him when he moved in. I don't mind them but they're hung weirdly and flap around in the wind.

WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 09:56

FollowSpot · 31/08/2025 09:55

But which dog actor will play The Dog?

#TeamDog

I could be an extra. I have a knitted hat from Snape Maltings. From the shop that looks like a log cabin in the corner of the car park near the river.

Also there could be a Christmas Special because the Maltings has the BEST and most extensive collection of baubles and decorations ever. Ditto Christmas Chocolate in the food hall. Alan could be like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, trying many ways to get his side table… amidst cries of ‘you’ll skin your shins on that rough edge’

We went bauble shopping there a few years ago! It was wonderful.

OP posts:
Cinaferna · 31/08/2025 10:05

violetcuriosity · 31/08/2025 07:33

I am going to Snape for breakfast this morning 🤣

Well can you please check if Alan kipped the night on that sofa?

CharlotteStreetW1 · 31/08/2025 10:08

OneSharpGoose · 31/08/2025 09:15

Dh suggests you cast one of the Chippendales in the upcoming West end play.
#teamalan

Is that a furniture joke? 🤔

Cinaferna · 31/08/2025 10:08

the80sweregreat · 31/08/2025 09:25

The wife wouid be played by Dorothy Atkinson who was Pauline in ‘Mum. ‘ Toby Jones Alan gazing lovingly at the table of his desire whilst his wife is stomping around outside the shop glaring at people. Do not side with Alan , the table isn’t coming anywhere near my lovely house.

Perfect casting. That actress is so underrated.

Echobelly · 31/08/2025 10:09

That table is OK, but wouldn't really go with anything in our house, it's quite a specific look and I can imagine a person who isn't that design-minded thinking 'I like that' without considering it doesn't at all go with the rest of their house. Still, poor Alan, he didn't deserve that.

eleanorwish · 31/08/2025 10:10

WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 09:55

The thing with Snape Maltings is that you have the Snape tax and the Snape distortion field.

Snape tax is that everything you buy there is slightly more expensive that anywhere else. I bought some lovely mugs last week from Suffolk Food Hall. Snape had the identical mugs for £1.50 more.

The Snape Distortion Field is that everything looks lovely with all the other beautiful things near it and such lovely presentation. You buy something and take it home and it ends up looking rather ordinary.

I have trawled their instagram but can’t find the table.

I live 10 mins away from the Suffolk Food Hall, I love that place!

Cinaferna · 31/08/2025 10:10

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/08/2025 09:47

I bet Mrs Alan doesn't drive and so when she flounced off she couldn't get in the car and drive off. Hence returning to the "scene of the crime" to see if Alan was ready to leave.

Don't let the Americans get hold of the story. They would cast Tom Hanks as Alan and Meryl Streep as Mrs Alan. They'd try and film on location but get it wrong and use Trago Mills instead.

Where is the laugh emoji? I cackled at this!

SurferRona · 31/08/2025 10:15

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/08/2025 23:08

Here are the side tables - which one was it? 😁

Coffee Tables, Side Tables and Stools – Snape Maltings

Oh dear. I could see why this was a problem. It’s all quite… Boden ish, but ‘ better cos hand-knitted from organic tofu’. Literally nothing here I would live happily with. It’s all very meh indeed.

viques · 31/08/2025 10:15

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 23:17

Good call. The problem is that not everything they sell is on the website. It might have been this one shop.snapemaltings.co.uk/collections/coffee-tables-side-tables-and-stools/products/yaxley-round-side-table

No reviews, yet! I wonder who will get on there first, Alan or Mrs Alan.

Echobelly · 31/08/2025 10:18

We have 3 nice ceiling light shades from when we were at Snape, but couldn't afford much else at the time, wish we could have. It is veh' nice place, even if Mrs Alan takes exception to some of their wares.

Clafoutie · 31/08/2025 10:20

Aquababe73 · 31/08/2025 09:18

Clafoutie for Poet Laureate 🙌

I wish I could claim the credit! But it was actually @FortuneFaded 🙂

CloseBlueGreen · 31/08/2025 10:21

I’m also weirdly invested in this too. good advertising for Snape Maltings, and I came here thinking it was going to be some Harry Potter themed thing.

I've now looked at their side tables, and thought I’d like the gold tray table.

LlynTegid · 31/08/2025 10:21

SouthWamses · 31/08/2025 02:37

Ipswich doesn’t give the right vibe - near Aldeburgh. Has a concert hall and music festival every year. The shop was rather naice middle class place last time I was there a few years ago.Aldeburgh is a London weekend home kind of place.

The late Neil Innes lived in or near Snape for a long time, indeed I think it was featured in one of his tv shows.

If you were to make a drama out of it, Neil were he alive today could do the music or act as the peacemaker. I think Roger Allam would be ideal as Alan.

BlueRidgeMountain · 31/08/2025 10:24

Emmafuller79 · 31/08/2025 08:27

What’s non post🙄
does nothing of real consequence happen were you live?

You’ve never been to Suffolk have you.

viques · 31/08/2025 10:26

Scentedjasmin · 31/08/2025 09:55

I'm laughing so much!! You are so right! And they would shoehorn a racoon into an outdoor scene of bucolic English bliss.

Oh yes, an anomaly racoon , or raccoon, as you will, is essential.

If we want UK actors then I have a strong desire to pair up Helen Mirren and Toby Jones, or if HM is not available then Kristin Scott Thomas at her most acid.

( as an aside may I offer a round of applause to whoever had the wit to dress HM up as a parody of HM playing the Queen in a scene in Thursday Murder Club, funniest thing I have seen for ages)

Inpraiseof · 31/08/2025 10:27

If you don't know Snape Maltings, it's the Tebay Services/Chatsworth farm shop of Sunday afternoon destination shops (if you know what I mean). Or as my DH puts it - a bit more bluntly - it's where stupid middle class people go to pay far too much for stuff they don't need Grin

I'm team Alan all the way.

Beachtastic · 31/08/2025 10:27

thebabayaga · 31/08/2025 03:40

Right. This makes me think of the red toaster incident. My fil, many years ago started saying he wanted to buy us a toaster as a gift for staying with him. I didn't want a toaster and he'd never bought us a gift before for coming to stay (I didn't expect or need one I was happy to host him a couple of times a year) and I clearly and politely told him so, I told him I was happy with the toaster we had.

The problem was, it was a two slice toaster and HE wanted a four slice toaster.
He didn't say that though, until after he went ahead and bought me a toaster I hated.

He only came to stay for a week at a time a couple of times a year (his wife had died but he was an active man with lots going on and we loved having him to visit when he could). But still I would have bought him a four slice toaster if he'd told me that was the issue.

But the problem was, my whole kitchen at that time was in grey and black marble and chrome/stainless steel, it all matched and I really liked that kitchen.

The next day, after I had said quite a few times in conversation that I really really did not want or need a new toaster, thanks, he comes home from an outing with my ex husband and proudly displays a bright red ugly four slice toaster, (probably quite expensive as toasters go, a good make) proclaiming it as a gift for us to say thanks for staying. A gift I didn't want, had told him I didn't want and that looked like shit in my kitchen.

I was so upset. It was not about the toaster, it was about being ignored AGAIN, my feelings not mattering AGAIN even in the kitchen which was my domain (my ex husband would have been lucky to find it with a map) I couldn't get what I wanted. For years I had felt as though my husband didn't give a shit what made me happy or really care what I wanted, and now his dad was doing the same thing, and my husband went with him and let him pick the thing without a word even though he'd heard me saying I didn't want it.

I opened the box, looked at the toaster, and just went and sat in the bedroom for half an hour. I just sat there. I didn't cry or anything but I was so angry and upset. Eventually, I calmed down and managed to say a polite thanks through gritted teeth. As soon as he left, I stuck it in the garage never to be seen again except when he visited and I asked my ex huband why the fuck he had let him buy a RED toaster for my grey, chrome and black kitchen when all the appliances were chrome and stainless steel. Oh, didn't think of that he said. So then why did he let him buy a toaster when I said I liked the one I had? Not much of an answer, bit of a shrug.

I know it's a different situation, but I do wonder if she's just so fucking fed up with Alan ignoring her input and doing whatever he wants she just lost it.

And I can't believe I still remember that so well, it was at least 15 years ago, and I actually generally liked my fil (now deceased) and got along with him well, but I never forgot how my feelings were just totally ignored.

Lol, I am clearly so triggered by this post 😋

Blimey. Hell hath no fury like a woman's colour scheme scorned 🤣

Doweneedjellyfish · 31/08/2025 10:28

I have never visited SM so I had to guess what it might look like to create the picture!

I am torn between whose side I’m on. I would say team Alan but the description of that table and the mention of scratches, holes and splits makes me feel Alan has wasted money. I also wonder if Alan has form for this and has a side table problem and encouraging him to feed his habit which could escalate issues.
In a few months time Alan could have progressed to dining tables with multi seating - and chairs!

I hope no children have been born into such a sorry situation.

A pp made me properly giggle out loud when they said to check Alan isn’t still cuddling his table, I do feel de

Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?
Ddakji · 31/08/2025 10:30

BlueRidgeMountain · 31/08/2025 10:24

You’ve never been to Suffolk have you.

Post of the day 🤣🤣🤣

LupaMoonhowl · 31/08/2025 10:30

WonderfulSmith · 30/08/2025 22:31

Before I start I know it’s none of my business and I’m a bad person I’m sure but…

I was at Snape Maltings today which is a nice arts centre with a lovely shop selling all sorts of home wares and furniture. It’s very quiet and sedate.
Anyway, a woman started yelling at her husband. The whole place was pretending not to listen while giving each other looks. Turned out that he had ordered a perfectly innocent side table without talking to her about it first. She demanded that he cancel the order and he refused. He sat down on a sofa in the shop and she went and sat in the car. Every so often she’d come back and stick her head around the door, tell him the table was disgusting, and stomp back out.

When we left, Alan was still sat on the sofa. But I want to know how it ended. Are they still there now? Did Alan cancel the order?

Were any of you there?

😂😂😂😂😂

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/08/2025 10:31

There are so many theatrical outlets for this.

"The Table" the opera.
"The Table" the musical (now in the West End).
"Ye syde Table " the Shakespeare play

To name a few...

Pluvia · 31/08/2025 10:32

I wasn't there, but I know Snape Maltings and the shop you allude to and I can guarantee that any table they sell there will be in current good taste. It's all a bit Homes and Gardens.

I'm in shock that anyone would be shouting and carrying on anywhere in the vicinity. It's Snape. This kind of thing should never happen. The rules are that you take your argument out to the car, where you argue through gritted teeth before driving home and letting rip there.

LadyRoughDiamond · 31/08/2025 10:33

WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 09:55

The thing with Snape Maltings is that you have the Snape tax and the Snape distortion field.

Snape tax is that everything you buy there is slightly more expensive that anywhere else. I bought some lovely mugs last week from Suffolk Food Hall. Snape had the identical mugs for £1.50 more.

The Snape Distortion Field is that everything looks lovely with all the other beautiful things near it and such lovely presentation. You buy something and take it home and it ends up looking rather ordinary.

I have trawled their instagram but can’t find the table.

Living close to Snape, I’ve fallen victim to both of these many times.

OneSharpGoose · 31/08/2025 10:35

LlynTegid · 31/08/2025 10:21

The late Neil Innes lived in or near Snape for a long time, indeed I think it was featured in one of his tv shows.

If you were to make a drama out of it, Neil were he alive today could do the music or act as the peacemaker. I think Roger Allam would be ideal as Alan.

Perfect casting