Page 16 | Was anyone else at Snape Maltings today? Did Alan get his table?

WonderfulSmith · 2025-08-30T21:31:38+00:00

Before I start I know it’s none of my business and I’m a bad person I’m sure but… I was at Snape Maltings today which is a nice arts centre with a lovely shop selling all sorts of home wares and furniture. It’s very quiet and sedate. Anyway, a woman started yelling at her husband. The whole place was pretending not to listen while giving each other looks. Turned out that he had ordered a perfectly innocent side table without talking to her about it first. She demanded that he cancel the order and he refused. He sat down on a sofa in the shop and she went and sat in the car. Every so often she’d come back and stick her head around the door, tell him the table was disgusting, and stomp back out. When we left, Alan was still sat on the sofa. But I want to know how it ended. Are they still there now? Did Alan cancel the order? Were any of you there?

FeetLikeFlippers · 31/08/2025 20:13

WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 15:25

Bless you for taking a picture. But it’s not that sofa.
if you put your back to the cash desk then it’s the sofa to the right.

Show quote history

Thank goodness you put us straight re the sofa - I was planning on making a pilgrimage to sit on it, and maybe lay some flowers in memory of the ill-fated table. I’d have looked a right idiot when the staff told me it wasn’t even the right sofa!

Original poster

WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 20:28

2Magpies24 · 31/08/2025 20:07

Was it Sir Alan?

Which Sir Alan?

OP posts:

MyrtleLion · 31/08/2025 20:33

WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 20:28

Which Sir Alan?

Show quote history

Suralan from The Apprentice? Now Lord Sugar.

Tarrantella · 31/08/2025 20:42

Superb @FortuneFaded! 👌 My DH has just asked me why I’m laughing and talking to myself (in effect you).

LillyPJ · 31/08/2025 20:50

FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 18:38

Ask and you shall receive:

It were a Saturday, which is never a good day to go to Snape Maltings as it’s full of people who think they’re better than you just because they know what tapenade is. Still, it’s either that or garden centre, and I said to Marion, “Let’s make a day of it.” Which, in our house, is code for: “Let’s argue about things somewhere more picturesque.”
Anyway, we got to Snape, parked up, had a coffee that tasted faintly of damp cardboard and something called “single origin.” I didn’t ask what origin, I thought it might be something unpronounceable and I’d only embarrass myself.
Well, she went off to look at scarves. Marion’s got this thing with scarves - she thinks if she finds the right one, she’ll be the sort of important person who walks in important circles.
I hadn’t meant to buy the side table, not really. I’d just admired it; quietly, in the way you might admire a bishop’s handwriting or a well-behaved spaniel. And before I knew it, a young man in a waistcoat the colour of a fresh bruise had appeared and was asking whether I’d like it gift-wrapped or “left in the raw,” which made it sound like a soft cheese.
It was the sort of shop where the furniture is arranged less like stock and more like exhibits in a museum. Quiet music played - Chopin, I think, and the lighting was all very soft, like a dentist’s waiting room that had gone to finishing school. You weren't meant to raise your voice. Or breathe too hard. Not in Suffolk. Certainly not in Snape Maltings.
“Alan.”
I turned, receipt still warm in my hand.
“What have you done?” Marion, arms already folded, which is never a good sign, stood by a lamp shaped like a pineapple and was radiating fury.
“I just, I thought it would go nicely in the hallway.”
“You bought it? Without me? Without so much as a “Oh Alan, please, tell me you’re joking.”
“Lower your voice,” I whispered, attempting martial diplomacy.
“Oh no,” she said, lifting her chin in that way she does when something’s about to become a scene. “No. No, Alan, I will not lower my voice. You’ve just spent nearly two hundred pounds on a table that looks like it’s holding its a reel used in outdoor play at a nursery!”
“It’s a hand crafted table made by artisans in Jaipur,” I muttered.
“It’s a bloody eyesore! And where exactly were you planning to put it? Next to that hideous umbrella stand you brought home from your weekend in Ludlow?”
The assistant, who had clearly realised we were no longer the sort of couple who could be sold matching occasional chairs, began polishing the same corner of a sideboard over and over, his face set in a smile that said I am not here. I do not exist. I have never existed.
“It’s not like I bought a sofa, Marion!”
“No, you bought a table that costs more than your weekly pension!”
A woman near the cashmere throws audibly gasped. One of those gossamer-haired types with fingers like cocktail sticks and a handbag that looked like it hadn’t been touched by human hands since the Thatcher era.
I could feel the side eyes of tourists glancing at me whilst also intently studying the soy candles.
“I don’t understand,” I said, feebly, “why everything has to be a conference. It’s a side table.”
“No, Alan. It’s a betrayal. Inlaid with treachery. You know I have very strong feelings about side tables.”
“I thought you were just being silly.”
“Well now look who’s being evicted from the spare room.”
By this point, I was standing next to the table, the very table, which now seemed to be wilting in shame. If furniture could crawl away from its buyer, this one would have taken up jogging.
We bought it, of course. That is to say, I bought it, and Marion signed the receipt with a pen like it was a declaration of war.
It lives in the hallway now, next to the umbrella stand, where neither of us look it directly in the eye.

Show quote history

That table is 'a betrayal. Inlaid with treachery'. Absolutely masterful description! I imagine Marion would actually love to keep it in the centre of the lounge (where it looks obviously out of place and is always in the way) so that when the neighbours come round for drinks, she can explain and tell them all about Alan's shameful and mutinous behaviour - in Snape Maltings of all places.

suki1964 · 31/08/2025 20:53

Bless you all that have contributed in the spirit of this thread, it has made my day AND more importantly made me feel that MN does have something for me here

As a long time poster on MSE, its taken a while to find "my tribe" again, its great to see it is here, even though you have to dig for it

I do remember penis beaker, and Sistine Chapel, up there with too many on MSE to Mention - although the camper van has to be a classic :)

Life is wayyy too hard, this thread has really cheered me up. ttf we can still find humour

CharlotteStreetW1 · 31/08/2025 21:09

I trust the thread has been nominated for classics?

VanillaSugar2023 · 31/08/2025 21:46

FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 18:38

Ask and you shall receive:

It were a Saturday, which is never a good day to go to Snape Maltings as it’s full of people who think they’re better than you just because they know what tapenade is. Still, it’s either that or garden centre, and I said to Marion, “Let’s make a day of it.” Which, in our house, is code for: “Let’s argue about things somewhere more picturesque.”
Anyway, we got to Snape, parked up, had a coffee that tasted faintly of damp cardboard and something called “single origin.” I didn’t ask what origin, I thought it might be something unpronounceable and I’d only embarrass myself.
Well, she went off to look at scarves. Marion’s got this thing with scarves - she thinks if she finds the right one, she’ll be the sort of important person who walks in important circles.
I hadn’t meant to buy the side table, not really. I’d just admired it; quietly, in the way you might admire a bishop’s handwriting or a well-behaved spaniel. And before I knew it, a young man in a waistcoat the colour of a fresh bruise had appeared and was asking whether I’d like it gift-wrapped or “left in the raw,” which made it sound like a soft cheese.
It was the sort of shop where the furniture is arranged less like stock and more like exhibits in a museum. Quiet music played - Chopin, I think, and the lighting was all very soft, like a dentist’s waiting room that had gone to finishing school. You weren't meant to raise your voice. Or breathe too hard. Not in Suffolk. Certainly not in Snape Maltings.
“Alan.”
I turned, receipt still warm in my hand.
“What have you done?” Marion, arms already folded, which is never a good sign, stood by a lamp shaped like a pineapple and was radiating fury.
“I just, I thought it would go nicely in the hallway.”
“You bought it? Without me? Without so much as a “Oh Alan, please, tell me you’re joking.”
“Lower your voice,” I whispered, attempting martial diplomacy.
“Oh no,” she said, lifting her chin in that way she does when something’s about to become a scene. “No. No, Alan, I will not lower my voice. You’ve just spent nearly two hundred pounds on a table that looks like it’s holding its a reel used in outdoor play at a nursery!”
“It’s a hand crafted table made by artisans in Jaipur,” I muttered.
“It’s a bloody eyesore! And where exactly were you planning to put it? Next to that hideous umbrella stand you brought home from your weekend in Ludlow?”
The assistant, who had clearly realised we were no longer the sort of couple who could be sold matching occasional chairs, began polishing the same corner of a sideboard over and over, his face set in a smile that said I am not here. I do not exist. I have never existed.
“It’s not like I bought a sofa, Marion!”
“No, you bought a table that costs more than your weekly pension!”
A woman near the cashmere throws audibly gasped. One of those gossamer-haired types with fingers like cocktail sticks and a handbag that looked like it hadn’t been touched by human hands since the Thatcher era.
I could feel the side eyes of tourists glancing at me whilst also intently studying the soy candles.
“I don’t understand,” I said, feebly, “why everything has to be a conference. It’s a side table.”
“No, Alan. It’s a betrayal. Inlaid with treachery. You know I have very strong feelings about side tables.”
“I thought you were just being silly.”
“Well now look who’s being evicted from the spare room.”
By this point, I was standing next to the table, the very table, which now seemed to be wilting in shame. If furniture could crawl away from its buyer, this one would have taken up jogging.
We bought it, of course. That is to say, I bought it, and Marion signed the receipt with a pen like it was a declaration of war.
It lives in the hallway now, next to the umbrella stand, where neither of us look it directly in the eye.

Show quote history

Brilliant! 😆

lcakethereforeIam · 31/08/2025 21:51

I think I've found some footage

Cinaferna · 31/08/2025 22:06

quantumbutterfly · 31/08/2025 18:50

Surely sherry is an apperitif for sophisticates that shop at Snape's, but if she reads this thread she might need the bottle & a straw. She can pop it on her new side table.

Show quote history

WHOSE new side table????

Cinaferna · 31/08/2025 22:09

@FortuneFaded Brilliant. You've out-Alaned Alan Bennet.

Cinaferna · 31/08/2025 22:29

FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 19:49

Thank you. Not guilty. I do write professionally though.

Show quote history

I'm not surprised. It would be a waste if you didn't.

Original poster

WonderfulSmith · 31/08/2025 22:48

CharlotteStreetW1 · 31/08/2025 21:09

I trust the thread has been nominated for classics?

I would be very proud if it was to be. This is a fairly new name but I have been on MN for about 15 years now!

OP posts:

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 31/08/2025 22:56

@FortuneFaded absolutely brilliant

FeetLikeFlippers · 31/08/2025 23:10

suki1964 · 31/08/2025 20:53

Bless you all that have contributed in the spirit of this thread, it has made my day AND more importantly made me feel that MN does have something for me here

As a long time poster on MSE, its taken a while to find "my tribe" again, its great to see it is here, even though you have to dig for it

I do remember penis beaker, and Sistine Chapel, up there with too many on MSE to Mention - although the camper van has to be a classic :)

Life is wayyy too hard, this thread has really cheered me up. ttf we can still find humour

Couldn’t agree more! HOWEVER, I am still trying to get my head around all the acronyms and TTF is a new one on me. Google is no help, so WTF does TTF stand for?

MrsSuu · 31/08/2025 23:14

I have loved reading this thread today. I am picturing Alan as ‘Pete’ from Gavin and Stacey now and Dawn has moved him to the bottom of her ‘trust tree’ for buying the table behind her back… I can imagine she went straight over Pam to tell her what happened!

LillyPJ · 01/09/2025 00:29

FeetLikeFlippers · 31/08/2025 23:10

Couldn’t agree more! HOWEVER, I am still trying to get my head around all the acronyms and TTF is a new one on me. Google is no help, so WTF does TTF stand for?

Show quote history

I guessed at Thank The Fuck. Could be?

DrPrunesqualer · 01/09/2025 00:51

FortuneFaded · 31/08/2025 18:38

Ask and you shall receive:

It were a Saturday, which is never a good day to go to Snape Maltings as it’s full of people who think they’re better than you just because they know what tapenade is. Still, it’s either that or garden centre, and I said to Marion, “Let’s make a day of it.” Which, in our house, is code for: “Let’s argue about things somewhere more picturesque.”
Anyway, we got to Snape, parked up, had a coffee that tasted faintly of damp cardboard and something called “single origin.” I didn’t ask what origin, I thought it might be something unpronounceable and I’d only embarrass myself.
Well, she went off to look at scarves. Marion’s got this thing with scarves - she thinks if she finds the right one, she’ll be the sort of important person who walks in important circles.
I hadn’t meant to buy the side table, not really. I’d just admired it; quietly, in the way you might admire a bishop’s handwriting or a well-behaved spaniel. And before I knew it, a young man in a waistcoat the colour of a fresh bruise had appeared and was asking whether I’d like it gift-wrapped or “left in the raw,” which made it sound like a soft cheese.
It was the sort of shop where the furniture is arranged less like stock and more like exhibits in a museum. Quiet music played - Chopin, I think, and the lighting was all very soft, like a dentist’s waiting room that had gone to finishing school. You weren't meant to raise your voice. Or breathe too hard. Not in Suffolk. Certainly not in Snape Maltings.
“Alan.”
I turned, receipt still warm in my hand.
“What have you done?” Marion, arms already folded, which is never a good sign, stood by a lamp shaped like a pineapple and was radiating fury.
“I just, I thought it would go nicely in the hallway.”
“You bought it? Without me? Without so much as a “Oh Alan, please, tell me you’re joking.”
“Lower your voice,” I whispered, attempting martial diplomacy.
“Oh no,” she said, lifting her chin in that way she does when something’s about to become a scene. “No. No, Alan, I will not lower my voice. You’ve just spent nearly two hundred pounds on a table that looks like it’s holding its a reel used in outdoor play at a nursery!”
“It’s a hand crafted table made by artisans in Jaipur,” I muttered.
“It’s a bloody eyesore! And where exactly were you planning to put it? Next to that hideous umbrella stand you brought home from your weekend in Ludlow?”
The assistant, who had clearly realised we were no longer the sort of couple who could be sold matching occasional chairs, began polishing the same corner of a sideboard over and over, his face set in a smile that said I am not here. I do not exist. I have never existed.
“It’s not like I bought a sofa, Marion!”
“No, you bought a table that costs more than your weekly pension!”
A woman near the cashmere throws audibly gasped. One of those gossamer-haired types with fingers like cocktail sticks and a handbag that looked like it hadn’t been touched by human hands since the Thatcher era.
I could feel the side eyes of tourists glancing at me whilst also intently studying the soy candles.
“I don’t understand,” I said, feebly, “why everything has to be a conference. It’s a side table.”
“No, Alan. It’s a betrayal. Inlaid with treachery. You know I have very strong feelings about side tables.”
“I thought you were just being silly.”
“Well now look who’s being evicted from the spare room.”
By this point, I was standing next to the table, the very table, which now seemed to be wilting in shame. If furniture could crawl away from its buyer, this one would have taken up jogging.
We bought it, of course. That is to say, I bought it, and Marion signed the receipt with a pen like it was a declaration of war.
It lives in the hallway now, next to the umbrella stand, where neither of us look it directly in the eye.

Show quote history

If you’re not a writer Fortune you should be.

Write that book and @Boiledbeetle will do some great images of cowering beetles by the soy candles and a side table scurrying away 👏

Pinkfluffypencilcase · 01/09/2025 01:40

“”No, Alan. It’s a betrayal. Inlaid with treachery.“”

this is my favourite line and I laughed out loud. I agree with Prunes you should be a writer if not one already @FortuneFaded

SadTimesInFife · 01/09/2025 04:11

A friend's unsupervised DF bought a ranch in Kenya while her DM was busy elsewhere.
So, you know, "unauthorised purchases" can escalate...😂

Pices · 01/09/2025 05:05

I truly thought you’d all gone! It took a domestic imbroglio for all you witty old timers to come out of the cracked woodwork!

#teamalan’swife: you can just bet they live in a country pile where any of those tables would look shit. She’s thoughtful about everything she brings into their lives. She’s raised 4 kids and done it all. He’s now retired and has opinions and too much time. Shove it up your arse Alan.

Doweneedjellyfish · 01/09/2025 05:34

OP just to let you know that I reported your thread.

I have never done this before but wanted to nominate it for classics and wasn’t sure how else to go about it. I thought I best mention it just in case reporting a thread only had a negative impact.

If anyone can tell me how else to go about it then I’d appreciate it please? It’s the first time I’ve ever felt strongly enough to do it but I’ve been here a few years now and this was a a great thread with some hilarious contributions.

I like to think one day someone will stumble across this thread and recognise the situation and present us with the answers we deserve. It would be good if Mrs Alan could be notified and tell us exactly what it was about this table caused her to feel so strongly about the purchase and why Alan was so desperate not to give in and walk away without it.

I still love the idea that a pp suggested early on that Alan has a side table addiction and the house is full of them despite Mrs Alan making multiple attempts to rein him in and get professional help! 😂.

Zoopet · 01/09/2025 05:55

Please Mumsnet put this thread in classics!
It's brilliant and a breath of fresh air.
So glad that not all threads are doom and gloom!

NewGirlInTown · 01/09/2025 06:51

finewhat · 31/08/2025 07:17

Weird thread.

Actually I think it’s a bloody hilarious thread with fabulous old Mumsnet humour. Such a witty bunch.
plus I love Snape Maltings. We go to Aldeburgh a few times a year and always try to get concert tickets at the same time.
There are marvellous sunsets and the setting is gorgeous; we had a delightful boat trip along the river from there.
#TeamSnape

Wasitabadger · 01/09/2025 07:03

This thread has had me in tears of laughter. I shared with my husband. Telling him I was very relieved we were not at Snape Maltings with Alan. My husband would have sat down with Alan on the sofa in support. While making sarcastic remarks out loud to Mrs Alan and encouraging Alan to make more purchases. I do wonder if there shall be an increase in foot traffic to Snape Maltings from Cambridgeshire, Norfolk and Suffolk Mum Netters seeking out side tables. It ingenious advertising…