Funniest thing said by a soon-to-be mother about the reality of life with children?

[emkana]

"I will have a two-way baby monitor so that when my newborn wakes up I will calm him down with my voice while remaining downstairs in the living room"

Brilliant thread.
From DH when I was 8 months pg, "I'm really looking forward to paternity leave and having a couple of weeks off work. I mean really, how hard can it be?"
Followed by (about 6 weeks later), "It's only 2 days 3 hours and 47 minues till I go back to work, THANK GOD"
Also, 3 days before my due date, "I've just seen a really nice house for sale and was thinking that we could put ours on the market now and maybe have a couple of viewings while I'm on paternity leave. After all the baby will be asleep most of the time." Hahahahahahah.
I thought that I could do without television, now our TV automatically tunes itself to Cbeebies as soon as you switch it on.

I think I left work to go on maternity leave with the immortal words, "I'm off for my nine month holiday... bye losers!"

They must have p*ssed themselves laughing at my naivety!

Whilst pregnant with my 1st DS (now 2 and a half years old)

'I'm never using a dummy - they look awful and surely a tired child will go to sleep eventually....???'

and this little gem...

'I'm thinking of learning another language while I'm on maternity leave and when the baby is tiny - I'm bound to have loads of quiet time'

Now I'm 8 and a half months pregnant with my second child and I'm grateful to actually get the pair of us dressed some days!!

Oh the naivety of youth...!

Before getting approved to adopt you have to submit a detailed application with all sort of spiel about what a great parent you are going to be. Here's a quote from "my typical day"...

7.00am Alarm goes off. Get out of bed, go to bathroom and get fully dressed. Put on washing machine and radio.
7.15am If children already awake, play a little until breakfast time. Have cup of tea and take coffee up to DH. Unload dishwasher. Set breakfast table with help from kids.
7.30am We all eat breakfast together including fruit or juice and relevant multivitamins, etc. and put stuff in dishwasher/clear table. Feed cats and dog.

Read this recently to DH who was on the floor laughing

From me whilst pregnant; "I'll be fine with not musch sleep I'm used to a crazy shift pattern"

"I'll do my 2 hour ashtanga routine everyday, at the end of mat leave I might start teaching it"

From dh. "2 adults one small helpless baby there's no way it can be that hard"

dd19m only been doing weekly yoga again for the last 8 weeks......

I remember thinking that my dtws were going to be very, very clever because I was going to teach them lots of interesting things and they would sit fascinated, quietly absorbing my pearls of wisdom.

I was also going to take up painting, something I'd never found ime for before, set up an easel in the garden while my dtws slept in their pram or happily amused themselves.

They are 14 now and I've got the easel but it's never been out of its box.

I remember thinking people who had caesarians just hadn't tried hard enough or were wimps.
I knew childbirth would hurt like hell, but I was convinced anyone could give birth naturally, after all they didn't have caesarians in the olden days...
I would just stay upright and mobile, refuse pain relief etc.

Then after four days of labour... I had an emergency CS

My friend who had her LO a few months after me and also ended up having a CS, admitted afterwards she had thought the same thing as me.

Another friend who's trying to conceive ATM, was telling me that when she goes into labour she plans to go out into the woods to avoid pain relief and medical intervention [hmmm]

My child will never look dirty or wear scruffy mismatched clothes.

Yes I changed my first baby 5 times a day, he always looked immaculate. He's now ten and looks like a tramp.

His little sister (4 years) will choose her own clothes (has done for years, its not worth arguing with her). Furry coat, sunhat, heart shaped shades, an umbrella, bright socks, a pastel coloured dress and wellies.

I have accepted this as her kooky sense of style because if I didn't I would cry! I dont worry about the way strangers look at us anymore.....

My SIL, pg with #1, recently informed me of the following couple of little gems:

"I don't really understand why parents put their lives on hold when they have a baby. Eating out, for example - we love eating out in nice places so we'll just still do it. We're going to get one of those plastic seats with an overhead handle to carry the baby around in, and just pop it under the table while we eat." (I think she meant a car seat)

And...

"We've decided that sleep is really important to us and we wouldn't really like getting all tired and sleep deprived, so we're going to take it in turns to lie in until midday while DH is on paternity leave."

Ha ha ha

Great thread!
As others have said, i didnt have too many high expectations of how easy it would be!
However, I did intend the following:
1, to use terry nappies
2, to not use the tv as a babysitter
3, to not give chocolate/sweets/cake/biscuits
none of which i have stuck to, naturally!

I had a mental picture of me and other mummy chums laughing happily in a lovely cafe or someone's living room whilst our babies gurgled contendtedly, cracking open the pinot grigio (mums, not babies) on a tuesday afternoon just because we could.

Now I have to stop myself from raiding the bottle in the fridge just to get through any afternoon, let alone tuesdays. Ha ha ha.

This state of affairs is a direct result of the other mistake I made: "sleep gets better after 3 months". Fool! You fool!

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Fab thread! DS is 8.5 months, can't wait to see what strange demands he will issue re food or sense of style when dressing... but have just remembered friend's toddler son had a phase where he insisted on wearing his older sister's tights .

Prior to DS arriving: "While I'm off, I could help you with the admin" (said to self-employed DH, thinking I'd have loads of time when baby slept/played quietly).

Also thought I could do creative hobbies. Nearest I get is to figure out what on earth I can get for DS's lunch using last night's leftovers and the odd veg in fridge...

So funny. I'm glad I'm not the only one. I said: "I can decorate the house in my spare time," and "Surely they aren't much different from kittens?"

My friend declared that labour couldn't possibly be as bad as some of her period pains. She is due to give birth any day

I used to think that, princessglitter. Boy, was I wrong!

"How is it that all these mums are late bringing their children in to school? God,all they have to do is get up and get dressed, how hard can it be?"
"I've got a buggy for going running with the baby. And I'm doing kick boxing classes once a week when DH is having the baby"
"What your children wear is a direct reflection of you."
Hee hee hee hee.

"I used to do night shifts so I reckon I'll be ok with the sleepless nights"

"I want a waterbirth, there's one in the hospital that's got a glitterball over it - I think that's the one I should go for" (I had induction, gas and air, epidural and high forceps all while being constantly monitored )

Arf!

"I'm very patient" - I often think of saying that as I'm close to strangling my six year old

My baby will sleep. I've read books about it. Um, that was me.

ha ha ha ha ha!!!! wish to god i had seen all this while pregnant, and also when suffering from bad pnd when dd younger. i felt everything caving in cos i wasn't prepared. it would have been a massive help. I very nearly wet myself reading through all this lot. now i don't feel alone

Before DS I remember someone at work telling me that since she'd had children she could couldn't bear to watch/read news stories or even fictional things where children suffered as she found it dreadfully upsetting. At the time I thought "Well everybody finds things like that upsetting". Fortunately I didn't say it out loud. Now I have a child of my own I know just what she means.