To be heartbroken about a birthday party

[AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman]

My DS is having a birthday party at the weekend. He recently turned 12, so just started secondary school. But it’s a special school, and DS’s disability means that developmentally he is still very much in the market for a party in our garden with pass the parcel, musical statues, duck duck goose etc. He’s invited his whole -small- class and is beyond excited. His is the first party invitation I’ve been aware of at his school this year.

So far so good? A lot of his classmates are coming which is wonderful. I wasn’t certain if they would. I think it’s going to be a success. The problem is I just can’t take reading the RSVPs from the other parents any more.

So many of these kids are charmingly, innocently, enormously excited. Reading the invitation daily in anticipation I’m told. Some I hear are very nervous to attend a social thing but utterly determined to see it through. I suspect these reactions are because party invitations are incredibly rare for these kids and I’ve been pushing the thought away as it makes me weepy.

Then today I got a very explicit RSVP- the boy’s mum said he will definitely attend and wants to bring a big present as it’s his first ever party invitation- at the age of 12. I’ve been sobbing every time I read it.

AIBU to be heartbroken that a child can get to secondary school without receiving a single invitation ever? How is that possible? I know the answer of course- it’s discrimination, ignorance, fear. A taste of the exclusion they can expect their whole lives. It’s a crying shame. I wish I knew what to do to help other than keep encouraging my DS to be friendly. I hope, I hope, my party planning is up to the task and they have the time of their lives.

Just to add a positive story. My DS2 has ASD and went to mainstream primary and secondary schools. In his primary school we had a specialist autism teacher come in in reception class to give a talk to his class at their level about neuro diversity in general and how it affected DS2 in particular. The whole class (bar a couple of alpha boys) were from that moment on really supportive to DS2 and quite protective of him. He was invited to every all class party, even if I had to stay and supervise him, and to a few ‘all boys’ parties, but they did tail off once they became sport related as DS2 couldn’t really join in. He had a couple of friends and even had a few sleepovers. It did get more difficult as they got older and matured as the gap between them and DS2 grew.

In Y5 a new boy joined the class. He was fostered and had a lot of issues due mostly to his neglectful upbringing before being fostered. The class were used to DS2 and took this difficult new boy under their wing. He was invited to a laser quest type party as a matter of course and his foster mum said it was the first party he’d ever been invited to. This boy did have to move to a SS for secondary but he’d had two good years in primary with an inclusive and supportive class and his foster mum was so grateful.

Secondary was a different story, sadly. DS2 did well enough academically, fairly average GCSEs, but the more hands of parenting involved in secondary and widening social skills gap made friendships difficult for him. But the years in primary school were very happy.

I hope everyone on MN who considers excluding a disabled child from a party learns from this.

I've always included everyone, always will. It's heartbreaking that such a lovely group of children are being excluded.

I hope the party of the first of many, and if you need someone in charge of drinks I'll come lend a hand!

I mean it's sweet but these kids have been in the same class all year and it's July. So it's not like other children have left them out of their 12th birthday parties, it's that none of the other parents have organised one for their child? Is that right? In which case, I'm so glad you have and so glad the children are excited. But, this year at least, it's not a case of exclusion, it's lack of opportunity which you are now providing. Maybe because they had exclusionary experiences at primary school, I guess.

At DS's party a few months ago, one of the boys in his class has autism. It didn't occur to me to not include him.

His DM said the same, he's often overlooked on invites, and he's at an age where it no longer goes over his head, so he was ridiculously excited to go to this party. It's a small village so families do know each other.

What I did notice when I was there that while there were a couple of boys who made him the butt of jokes, several others batted back jokes/roasts on his behalf, defending him, and being protective of him. If you had asked me based on the parents which kids were likely to be nice and kind and which would have been mean, I probably would have been able to guess, as DH has known a half of nearly every couple since childhood. It's no surprise that the son of the wanker DH went to school with was the ringleader instigating most of the 'jokes'. As they say here in Ireland, they didn't lick it off a stone.

This has made me a bit sniffly too OP.

My son has SEN and is at mainstream. He doesn't get invited to most things. Tomorrow is his first ever sports day (age 8) because of covid and him not being allowed to attend the last two. He only spends a small amount of time in class.

I went to look at a special secondary school a couple of weeks ago. I've found it really difficult- but to be honest reading stories like this makes me realise that it's probably going to be so much better for him.

It is tragic but on the other side a a lot of parents don’t host parties for younger disabled / SEN kids either - the logic being that they’ll wait for when they can remember them / improve / make friends / or any other excuse & by then if your kid has a social disorder and can’t make friends then you won’t even get reciprocal invitations from the previous years.

My insistance on DD having parties from the age of 1 is why she ever went to any parties while her ASD was severe enough to mark her out. Now she’s a pre-teen and has a reasonable number of friends and receives invitations because of how lovely she is - but those early years were tough. And I get it. The last thing you want to do is arrange a party when you’re dealing with nightwakings / tantrumns / soiling - there were times planning a birthday on top of everything else nearly killed me - but looking back on it I’m glad we did it. Otherwise DD would not have had the experiences she did.

My MIL used to be an LSA in a secondary school, she was chatting to one of her year 10 pupils one day about my (severely disabled) husbands friends, and the poor boy replied 'husband' has friends?! She was heartbroken and will never forget this as DH had a massive group of friends and didn't miss out on anything. So sad to see it's not the same for some people.

Brought tears to my eyes OP. I hope they have a wonderful time.

Oh OP that is wonderful. I haven't quite made it through the last couple of pages because my heart had melted by page 7 so apologies if someone has already suggested it, but if there are a lot of allergies or 'safe foods' then little individual lunch boxes (cardboard lunch boxes with patterns) could go down well and make sure everyone gets their safe food?
Definitely encourage parents to stay, both for support for their children and for them to have time to get to know each other and make friends, being a SEND parent can be so isolating. Coffee/tea and posh biscuits?

I hope everyone has the time of their lives.

This made me teary and I've got a work meeting in less than 10 min! I hope they all have a wonderful time, it did make me so sad though that they are 12 and have never had a party invite, hope everything goes well and they have a blast xx

My DS (just finishing his first year of a special needs primary) received his first ever birthday party invitation a couple of months ago. I can tell you it means the world, to both the child and the parents.

I was so happy for him and thankful for the little boys mum for thinking of him.

The party was brilliant, mum really went above and beyond.

I've vowed to take DS to every single party invitation he ever gets as those (hypothetical at this stage) invitations are likely to be from other disabled children at school.

Thank you for caring about those other children OP.

Awwwww that's lovely! It sounds like it'll be party of the year! Start of many more too perhaps x

Tears to my eyes too cos I have the same situation here. No one really understands or appreciates the discrimination and unfairness of it unless they have a child themselves. Society is only slowly starting to get it's head around disability rights. It's still seen as such a minority that most people don't think or care about how it feels. All the places you can't go and things you can't do anymore. They do require extra effort and most people just aren't willing to make the effort.

I hope your son and his friends all have a great time at the party 🎉

Ah your post touched me very much OP. I hope your son and his friends have a fabulous time this weekend. 💐

I'm with you OP. My son started a special school last year and one of the absolute best things about it is he now has a proper group of mates, they all hang out and go to parties etc. He is a bit younger but he'd never had a playdate or anything before then.

It's made me very sensitive to exclusion of children from social occasions in my other child who is at mainstream. We always invite EVERYONE to his parties.

Please post an update after the party OP, would love to hear how they all got on.

Im the mother of a severely disabled 12 year old child who has only ever been invited to one party when she was much younger. The truth is that her class mates (like my daughter) have severe physical issues, eg wheelchairs, tube feeding, tracheostomy, visual impairment etc. It is hard to hold celebrations at home with these challenges. Instead every year I send a gift bag for her class with sensory toys for each child. I also send in cakes and they have a celebration at school. Some of the parents are so touched by these small gestures. It’s something I do because it’s important to me that my daughter isn’t celebrated any less than her typical siblings. And also that I treat her classmates each year. There are ways to be inclusive with effort and imagination.

God bless you! I think you could give them a fruit shoot and catapiller cake and they would be over the moon! How exciting for them all! Yes it could be discrimination, it could be that the kids/ parents didn’t want to feel overwhelmed throwing a party. More likely, it’s due to covid! I found this with my own kids, no one has big party’s any more. Plus the cost of living crisis. I think people tend to just take a few kids bowling or keep little tea party’s to family. Anyway ENJOY!!

I hope you all have a wonderful time. And I hope this is the first of many parties they will enjoy together over the coming years.

Hopw your dc and his class mates have a wonderful time. Take loads of pics and vids and make it a day to truly remember. Sending you all massive hugs 💐

OP it sounds like you may make some wonderful parent friends as well as dc having a fab time. Imo this is why special schools are important, to allow nd kids to have the full experience of parties and trips etc that they would perhaps be excluded from in mainstream.
Mine are mainstream but I invited a couple of kids to dc party - he asked for them and one of the mums cried that he had been invited and included

I'm sitting here crying reading this

I really hope your son and his friends have a lovely time

A weird way to bf for sure, but also doubt she was flirting because I don’t know a man on Earth who would find that scenario erotic.