To be heartbroken about a birthday party

[AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman]

My DS is having a birthday party at the weekend. He recently turned 12, so just started secondary school. But it’s a special school, and DS’s disability means that developmentally he is still very much in the market for a party in our garden with pass the parcel, musical statues, duck duck goose etc. He’s invited his whole -small- class and is beyond excited. His is the first party invitation I’ve been aware of at his school this year.

So far so good? A lot of his classmates are coming which is wonderful. I wasn’t certain if they would. I think it’s going to be a success. The problem is I just can’t take reading the RSVPs from the other parents any more.

So many of these kids are charmingly, innocently, enormously excited. Reading the invitation daily in anticipation I’m told. Some I hear are very nervous to attend a social thing but utterly determined to see it through. I suspect these reactions are because party invitations are incredibly rare for these kids and I’ve been pushing the thought away as it makes me weepy.

Then today I got a very explicit RSVP- the boy’s mum said he will definitely attend and wants to bring a big present as it’s his first ever party invitation- at the age of 12. I’ve been sobbing every time I read it.

AIBU to be heartbroken that a child can get to secondary school without receiving a single invitation ever? How is that possible? I know the answer of course- it’s discrimination, ignorance, fear. A taste of the exclusion they can expect their whole lives. It’s a crying shame. I wish I knew what to do to help other than keep encouraging my DS to be friendly. I hope, I hope, my party planning is up to the task and they have the time of their lives.

My daughters 13 now - she never had an invite. I remember one party she was the only one not invited, she was heartbroken. She was very shy admittedly.

Bless you.

I'm remaining breezy and not bringing it up but secretly, I am low key heart broken that my 5 year old son who just started school this year has not received a single party invitation. It dawned on me a few weeks ago that the end of the school year is approaching and there's not been a single one.

I don't know if this is normal as my DD started in COVID so of course there were no parties for anyone. But year 1 and 2 she has had a fair number of invitations and I'm just gutted to be honest. Trying to think that there's a rational explanation but I am worried he has been excluded. He's a sweet boy though and gets lots of hello's and kids playing with him when he goes to the adjacent park, but I don't know..

Sorry to go on such a tangent! It's really really sweet that you are so considerate and I hope your boy and all his friends have a wonderful time

Aww it would tear me up too.

I help a party for my DDs 8 or 9th cant remember and invite the whole class didn't leave anyone out. One kid was a lovely lad - bit intense and I suspected spectrum but didn't know his Dad came and stayed, the party was fine bit mad as it was august and high temperatures but we made sure to get the hose out and had shade of large gazebo where food etc was had and just had fun in the garden with it all. The Father thanked us profusely for inviting and the next day Mum found me at school and was in tears as he had had such a good time. My heart went out to them as they were great parents with a bright intelligent, artistic child with Autism and he was often ostracized by parents more then the kids

Hope you have/had a ball

This is so lovely. It will mean as much to the parents as well as the child. It will be a very special day for all. Have fun!

YANBU. Your post and @Jewnicorn's post (probably others as well) made me cry.

My son had a party at home every year till year 5 /6
we invited a good 10 people from school each time
he has never once been invited to a party .a tea ,a cinema,or a sleepover,nothing
not one invite to anything ever .
hes 23 now ,so probably not going to happen

I’d love to be there :’’-)

I hope all your son's friends have the best party ever.

it's really very sad - I wonder a bit if it's just a case of parents not quite knowing how to best supervise SEN children

My goodness, so many replies. I’m only about three pages in. Thank you for all the positive messages so far. I’ll keep reading!

Just wanted to say- the problem of exclusion is not only relevant to neurodiversity. I don’t actually know what needs and/or disabilities DS’ classmates have, and DS doesn’t have a formal diagnosis of ASD.

Also, if I can be brave enough to invite a whole classfull of children with acknowledged needs, hopefully some other parents out there could take a chance on that one kid in class who’s always with the TA?

Two sleeps too go…

I welled up reading this op. I'm fortunate to have children that have all been to lots of parties but my heart breaks for all of those that haven't had that. How can other parents be so cruel.

I taught SEN students for a number of years! It was so sad that many don’t have friends out of school. Even the friendships they made in school stayed in school, never going to each others houses, or doing any activities out of school.
I alway’s made sure, we had a party in my classroom, whenever anyone had a birthday!
What amazing students they were, each and everyone of them gave so much back, it such a shame not everyone, can see passed their needs!

@lostinfusion just because your post was right at the end- I’m sure that has something to do with it. But really the answer is to just ask. ‘Johnny would really like to invite Bobby to his birthday party. Is there anything that would help Bobby feel more comfortable to come along?’ Most parents won’t ditch their kid in a situation that’s going to be hard/stressful/impossible to manage.

That is very sad! Bless them!! I hope your son and all his mates have the best day ever and it’s a big success!! Please update us and let us know how your sons big day went!! Sending happy vibes for a successful party!

Well done you! Hope your son has an amazing party. I’m sure all that attend will talk about it for ages, it will be something they remember. 🎂🎈

It is sad op, but please don't let that bring down the excitement those children will be feeling and how much fun they'll have. If you can have a quiet corner for those who do get overwhelmed, perhaps a covered area in the garden with soft cushions and sensory toys?

My DS went to SS, and then gradually MS. For his birthday we invited children from both schools, and nobody turned up, only three of my friends DC and his friend from SS. He was 5. I was heartbroken and tried not to cry. He never had a birthday party after that. Similarly, he got invited to a few parties his first year at MS, which was towards end of reception/beginning of Y1. We went to, IIRC, 3 parties, and never got an invite after that. He wasn't unruly, he doesn't have bad behaviour, he just couldn't talk and he liked to roar like a dinosaur. Thankfully it never seemed to bother him. Bloody hurt my heart though seeing his classmates come out waving invitations at their parents, or parents talking about how great the party had been. Fuckers.

That makes me so sad. In primary for the first few years, it was whole class parties, I can't imagine not inviting a child. Have a wonderful time.

This post brought back so many memories,I'm not sorry those days are over.

I think it was his 7th birthday, my DS had an outdoorsy party and invited all the boys in his class. The Mum of one of the boys said it was the first party her DS had been invited to and was thrilled (he's on ASD spectrum). He's a lovely lad see him around from time to time (not in main stream school now) and always so polite

Oh this made me tear up😥I hope your DS and all his friends have the best time!

Hope your son and his friends have a wonderful time 🎉🎉🎉🎉

I work in a specialist provision and we have a party for every students birthday for exactly this reason. Had a Christmas party one year and one child was going absolutely crazy on the party food. Turned out he had never been to a party before or seen a buffet! Since then we celebrate everything birthdays, Easter, Christmas. We take any excuse to have a party!

Wasn't expecting this! I'm crying now too. I hope you and your son and all of his friends have a lovely time!

You sounds like a WONDERFUL Mother. I have just welled up there, and that's not like me at all. How lovely you sounds. It will be spectacular, I bet! xx

It’s all too common. When my daughter was at special school there were only a couple of parties. Sadly at one only a couple of people showed up. We did have a couple for my daughter.
The other thing that always struck me as sad was that we only ever had 1 official school photo in 17 years ( nursery at 2 until y13). It felt so wrong.